You Learn Something New Everyday

While bored one day with a child in my arms who would not go to sleep I decided to look around you-tube for some non porn fun. I read somewhere that Rush released a video for Malignant Narcissist. So I typed Rush in to the search engine and found something new, a bootleg copy of unreleased (2 actually) tracks. One of them was recorded while performing in Cleveland. See, Cleveland is good for something other than a burning river. They recorded this little concert one month after our lord and savior Neil joined the lads. Anyways, I hope you enjoy these two tracks.

Garden Road

Fancy Dancer

The last track is from the Fifth Order Of Angels bootleg, something I had never heard of before. I had one bootleg of Rush (recorded actually) from the Roll The Bones tour, of course, I lost it. But I liked Fancy Dancer a lot, I wished they released it. Of course, the way Rush is going with selling everything under the sun (when will see Rush condoms?) I'm sure they will at some point.

You Stay Classy Coach Dungy, Thanks For Everything

I have absolutely no time to blog anymore. It's pretty tough to find time to sit down and actually pour my shitty, grammar mistake filled thoughts onto this piece of crap blog. Either I sign up for another twelve hour shift which will make me nice money, or I blog. I either go feed my 5 month old whose doing the pointing sign to his mouth, or I blog. I either go bail my wife out of jail for yet another DUI, or I blog. But I had to find time to comment about our boy Tony Dungy. See, I've seen certain self hating Hoosiers and Brown fans drop trough and void their bowels all over Tony's career on other blogs, and I've got to stick up for my boy Tony.

First Round Playoff Exits

Let's get the bad points out of the way first. 6 first round exits in his career. Pretty crappy really and trust me, I was throwing my son's Cars chair across the room (without my son in it) the other week because of yet another first round turd laid, even though San Diego got some help with some shitty calls in OT. Still, they should have won that game. Except for that run in 2006 Tony is constantly out coached by some shitty coaches (and some good ones) in the post season (really, Norv? Norv freaking Turner? Twice? Manuel Noriega twice in your career?). It's frustrating it really is, and it's a legit beef.

He's a Defensive Guru Yet His Defense Is Like a Matador

True, his defense borders on shitty some years but this year was a pass considering one of his DTs decided to "retire" and another got in some trouble. And since Tony isn't a hypocrite he released the one that ran afoul of the law. Since Tony already has a pretty small defense it's hard to replace a couple of huge bodies in the middle and therefore hard to stop the run which was pretty evident since Mighty Mouse (Sproles) ran all over Indy. But you also have to realize that Tony has to deal with injuries and a revolving door of defenders year in and year out. I know all coaches in the NFL have to coach around these problems but the Colts had to deal with their best players constantly being injured (see Bob Sanders, Mathis, Freeny, etc.). I think Tony did a great job with what he had.

His Playoff Record Sucks

9-10 with one super bowl win. And no, that super bowl win was not lucky. I don't know how you luck yourself into a field goal game with the top defense in league (Baltimore) or luck yourself back from a 21-6 deficit with a team that has always spiritually depantsed you every playoff game or how you luck yourself into a monsoon even though your considered a "non weather" team against the top D in the NFC. Yes Chicago won in spite of Sexy Rexy but they were still a good team, much better than Seattle of 2005 anyway. It wasn't luck, they earned every bit of that super bowl ring. Tony has also made the playoffs all 7 seasons at Indy. Even the great Bill Belicheck has missed the playoffs 2 times in the last 7 season. Still, an under .500 playoff record really isn't all that good. But let's compare some other coaches post season record I have heard self hating Hoosiers and Colts fans throw around to replace Tony and some other coaches of Tony's ilk.

Jeff Fisher: 5-6 postseason, 0-1 in super bowls. And he was one music city miracle away from not even getting that super bowl appearance. Oh, and he just had a first round outsting even though his team was the #1 seed.

Recently fired Jon Gruden: 5-4 postseason, 1-0 in super bowls. Chucky should really thank Tony for building him a team for him to use and should thank his lucky stars that he faced his former team Oakland that didn't even bother to change their offensive playbook for the super bowl. Also, no playoff appearances since 2002.

Mike Holmgren: 13-11 postseason, 1-2 in super bowls.

Dick Vermeil: 6-5 postseason, 1-1 in super bowls

The Chin Bill Cowher: 12-9 postseason, 1-1 in super bowls.

Tom Coughlin: 8-7 postseason, 1-0 in super bowls (and what a super bowl that was).

Marty "Gleam" Schottenheimer: 5-13 postseason (!), no super bowl appearances.

Mike Shanahan: 8-5 postseason, 2-0 in super bowls. Was completely lost after Elway left.

Andy Reid: 11-7 postseason: 0-1 in super bowls.

Bill Belecheck: 14-3 postseason, 3-1 super bowls. Cheater! Cheater! Cheater! Cheater! Cheater! Cheater!

Well, except for Bill Belecheck (even though he's an arrogant prick records don't lie) really there is no one with a great postseason record. So when someone starts bitching that Tony sucks in the postseason just politely, or not so politely, remind them that everyone else does too.

The Good Points

Regular Season Record

139-69. That ain't bad. Yes, I know, it doesn't mean crap in the postseason. But still, 13 seasons and 139 games won which averages out to 11 wins a year. I know most coaches that would kill for that kind of success. This year was pretty damn good also, 9 straight wins (well 8 really, that little scrimmage at the end of the season doesn't really count) after a 3-4 record to start things out. And some of those wins were grind 'em out kind of wins against good teams like Pittsburgh, New England and (shudder) San Diego. He has also had at least 12 wins in the last 6 seasons (NFL record) and he has had only 1, count 'em, one sub .500 record in the regular season (I will ignore the 1 .500 season he had). You have to admire that kind of success.

He's Even Keeled With His Team and On Speaking Terms With The Big Guy Upstairs

He doesn't yell, he doesn't spit, and he doesn't do ridiculous things to try and motivate his team, he treats his players like adults, because contrary to popular belief they are adults. And yelling doesn't usually mean success (see list up above). Besides, Bill B. is one hell of a coach and he's a monotone motorboat. Also, most Christians I've come across are complete hypocrites, especially the celebrity ones, not Tony. He talks the talk and walks the walk. He's VERY into the community not only here but his home in Tampa and I have to salute a man who constantly visits sick kids and brothers in the joint to try and turn their lives around. I'm pretty proud to say Coach Dungy was the Colts coach because not only did he represent our team with class and style, he also represented our city and the unwashed brethren within, black, white, whatever. He's kind of like the coaching version of Barak, except for all the horrific cabinet selections and crappy VP selection (insert plagiarized speech joke here).

He Shaped Peyton

Someone brought up a good point about this. Before Dungy arrived Peyton threw a crap ton of interceptions. After his arrival, Peyton not only threw less interceptions (except for that freaky 6 int Charger game) he was also more efficient. Maybe it was Dungy's tutelage, maybe it was Peyton getting wiser and older, who knows? But it's pretty evident that Tony's arrival helped Peyton.

He Turned Around A CRAPPY Franchise

Did I say crappy? I meant horrific. Tampa was a joke, they were worse than the Rays of Tampa. Tony was instrumental in turning that gay pirate ship around. So they got a little lucky in the draft (Sapp, Brooks, etc). So Monte Kiffin helped him a little in the Tampa 2 scheme. The proof is in the results, by the fourth year they were in the NFC championship game and slugged it out with the Greatest Show on Turf, and if it wasn't for a crappy officiating call they would have gone to the super bowl.

So there you go. I will miss Tony but I fully embrace his replacement. Ol' whatshisname..uhhh...Cauldwell something. Anyways good luck Tony, and even though your beliefs really doesn't mesh with Obama's (that whole abortion thing) I'm sure you'll be in his cabinet at some point, and that will be the first good choice he makes.

Cover Songs - The Good Ones

The Song: Got The Time
Covered By: Anthrax
Original Artist: Joe Jackson

This one was a shocker, it's a really good cover from a band that is a true fan of that lovably insane artist Joe Jackson. Jackson himself even commented how much he liked Anthrax's version. It isn't better than the original by any means but it's still enjoyable.

The Song: Comfortably Numb
Covered By: Scissor Sisters
Original Artist: Pink Floyd

A very interesting remake indeed, the only reason that you know it's a Pink Floyd cover is because of the lyrics, and well, the title of the song. It sounds nothing like the original. The Scissor Sisters are the British answer to Disco, cocaine, Club 54 and subtle gayness. I'm sorry, did I say subtle? they are about as subtle as a bull screwing a china shop.

The Song: Summertime Blues
Covered By: The Who
Original Artist: Bobby Vee

Entwisle and Moon always make things interesting no matter songs they play.

The Song: Oh, Pretty Woman
Covered By: Van Halen
Original Artist: Roy Orbison

Had a friend in high school who was the biggest Roy fan and he hated this remake. I love it, even though Van Halen has done like 10 kajillion covers this one is the best.

The Song: Ring Of Fire
Covered By: Wall Of Voodoo
Original Artist: Johnny Cash

Another that sounds nothing like the original. Just a eerie guitar, a synth loop and a monotone voice. My wife wonders why Ring Of Fire has never made it into a haemorrhoid commercial. I think I know the answer.


The Song: Kiss Me Deadly
Covered By: Reel Big Fish
Original Artist: Lita Ford

Pretty much a nerd ska band's answer to heavy metal.

The Song: Space Age Love Song
Covered By: No Motiv
Original Artist: Flock of Seagulls

A very decent remake I must say.

The Song: Girls On Film
Covered By: Bjorn Again
Original Artist: Duran Duran

The woman who sings on the cover is just fabulous, it's just too bad that this is the only good song they've ever done.

The Song: Turning Japanese
Covered By: Skankin Pickle
Original Artist: The Vapors

It's just fitting that the guy singing the cover is of Asian decent, just not Japanese.

The Song: Memories Can't Wait
Covered By: Living Colour
Original Artist: Talking Heads

It's one of the few covers that is actually better than the original...speaking of....

The Song: All Along The Watchtower
Covered By: Jimi Hendrix
Original Artist: Bob Dylan

Seriously, the best cover of all time, hands down fuck you the end.

The Song: Faith
Covered By: Chixdiggit
Original Artist: George Michael

Just a straight up fast and rockin' version of George Michael's first gay song.

The Song: Dancin' Days
Covered By: Stone Temple Pilots
Original Artist: Led Zeppelin

STP is the only, I repeat, the only group to cover a Zep tune without sounding like a bunch of retarded, doped up monkeys on roller skates. The rest who have tried really sound fucktaskitcally awful.

The Song: Purple Haze
Covered By: Frank Zappa
Original Artist: Jimi Hendrix

Just one fucked up cover. Anybody who is high while listening to this Frank Zappa creation will probably freak the fuck out.

Merry Christmas Assholes

It's Christmas, I'm drunk so I decided to write a really annoying post that the Godfather will eventually read, laugh, and wonder why he even bothers to come to this site. Mrs. Clause (my wife) decided to treat Mr. Clause with a nice bottle of Jameson to keep me warm and annoying. So since the dude is embiding with some wicked good whiskey I will count down the best Christmas specials of all time, before the liberals outlaw Christmas under Che Obama (yes, I'm kidding, I can't believe I had to add that disclaimer just in case a reactionary liberal visits this shitty site).

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964)

Nothing says horrifically creepy than a bunch of stop animation and shitty writing. But what did I know? I was 4 to 8 years old when I enjoyed this show. I still enjoy this special even though I'm tapped out drunk watching it.

The Simpsons (1989)

For those young bucks that were crapping their diapers during this time this was the first Simpsons ever aired on fox in December of '89. So while young John-O, Godfather and Prime Mover were jacking off to Victoria Secrets catalogue's and air drumming to Kixx this special made it appearance. While definitely not the best Simpsons it was the first and great to us considering that the only other funny cartoon on at the time was....ahhh....nothing. Back then this was a treat, this was gold, this special told us that even though we were white trash, everything will be alright. Unfortunately Roseanne kept reiterating that fact for the next 15 years.

Futurama (2000)

This wasn't really a special but was a really funny episode. Santa was created by Mom's robot company and wet completely nuts killing everyone that was naughty since it was illogical for someone to be completely nice in their lifetime.

Family Guy (2000)

Great year for Christmas specials. Even though Seth McFarlene will eventually initiate the banning of Christmas he did have a hand in creating a hilarious Christmas episode with a line that Mrs. Clause repeats every year (It comes out my holly, jolly butt!). I always play this once a year and probably will tonight before passing out in my own vomit.

Star Wars Christmas Special (1978)

I have yet to see all of this craptacular Christmas special in all it's shitty glory but I've seen a lot of it on You Tube. A singing, coked out Carrie Fisher. A very uninterested Harrison Ford trying to get Chewy home before Life Day (the Wookie equivalent to Christmas), and a young pre-scarred Mark Hamil singing to a bunch of socks. Bea Arther made an appearance as did the fuzzies. This episode never played again in it's entirety since 1978 and is a hard find due to the fact that George Lucas will do everything in his power to keep this crap from seeing the light of the two suns of Tattooine (which doesn't explain why he won't do the same with Phantom Menace), but it is so awesomely awful that it's an instant classic.

A Christmas Story (1983)

Everyone forgets that this actually was in a theater at some point. It bombed. But it's still a fixture in Christmas viewing that I don't miss any year. This also was the reason that my family went to Chinese restaurants every year, oh wait, no, we actually just had a lot of Jewish friends in Jersey.


SCTV Christmas Special (1981)

The Canadian equivalent of Mad-Tv but I will always love SCTV just because it so fucking funny, well, to me and a couple of other Canadian hicks, and maybe Geddy Lee. The Christmas special is so hilarious just because all the old SCTV staples go to a Christmas party and get horrifically drunk and sexually spunky. Probably one of the funniest Great White North episodes of all time....hoser.

I need another drink.

Urrp...you know? I've never seen It's a Wonderful Life. Is that Un-American? Anyways....

How The Grinch Stole Christmas (no idea what year).

Before the no talent Ron Howard completely destroyed the novelty in 2000 with his horrific film this cartoon was always a staple to Christmas cartoon watching. Hooville is awesome, I wish I could move there.

Mr. Hankey's Christmas Show - South Park (1999)

The second best Christmas episode of all time. Christmas time in hell and especially Cartman belting out Oh Holy Night is just fucking hilarious. This put me in stitches the first time I saw it, and it still cracks me up to this day.

Charlie Brown Christmas Special (1965)

Has stood the test of time. Even though it's probably one of the most depressing Christmas specials of all time it's still one of my favorites. The dying Christmas tree, Linus bitching about the commercialism of Christmas, Snoopy deadhorsing Woodstock in his doghouse, it's still funny dammit. It also produced one of the best jazz albums of all time, Vince Giraldi made a fabulous soundtrack.

Anyways, Merry Christmas, Happy Hanuka and all that good stuff. Enjoy the Holidays douchebags.

The Great Debate - It's Raining Men or How I've Learned to Accept My Inner Gayness

The Indigo Girls
Scott Thompson
Ellen Degeneres
Mike Greenburg
Jeff Garcia

They all want to get married legally. So what's all the hubbub? Why can't they and should they? Ahh the great debate of ghey marraige. John-O broke his silence(finally)and spoke his peace while reviewing bat shit insano's (Penn's) new movie Milk. I guaranfuckingtee you this will win best picture and best actor (ugh!). I refuse to see the movie, no, not because I hate gays. I just hate Penn with a passion because he's a total fucking, hypocritical a-hole and mentally unstable to boot. So I decided to read up on the actual person Harvey Milk. To tell you the truth, I was bored. Inspirational? Sure (especially coming out during those times) but really lost on me because I'm not gay, that and I'm totally fucking jaded. Now before I delve into the hot topic of Adam and Steve (or Eve and ahhh Carol?) tying the knot I would like to show this little ditty.



Kind of funny, though I think Jack Black and Margeret Cho are complete wastes of space. I take offense of it a little because they insinuate that all practicing Christians are against gay marriage. I love liberals, not all Muslims are terrorists but all Christians are homophobes and dumber than hell. Fuck you douches, I got a 510 total on my SATs, that is not dumb. Besides, Muslims are not exactly tolerant of gays. I've read many articles of gay men and women reciting how homophobic Muslims are, Chris Crain can tell you that first hand.

Anyways...

Why they should Marry: It's pretty much a fundamental right, isn't it? You can argue and argue but in the end (pun intended) it's pretty stupid that they shouldn't have the right to marry. It's the old joke, all gays should have the right to get half of their shit taken away. In the immortal words of Otto from A Fish Called Wanda, "Pork away pal, fuck her blue." That made no sense, but if and when gays do have the right do not, I repeat, do not come crying back to me when you realize how hard it is to be married, and how much of a commitment it really is because I don't want to hear it. Why you would come crying back to me, I don't know, but you get my point. You buttered you bread and now you got to lay in it. As one comedian said, where there's gay marriage, there's gay divorce. Just think of the billable hours the attorneys will collect settling gay divorces. But I've also seen first hand how gay couple's rights are taken away when their partner is sick in the hospital. Next of kin only, their partner, who they love and cherish and have taken care of all these years are out of the picture in place of family members who couldn't give a shit about them. That's wrong IMHO.

Also..

Think of the money spent on lavish weddings by the guys from Queer Eye. That helps the economy! Ok, I don't know how 10% of the U.S. population getting married will actually help the economy but you get my point.....again. Christ I'm rambling.

Why They Shouldn't: Cannot think of a good reason. Maybe someone else can. BUT, I do think it's someones right to be against gay marriage. Call it homophobia call it what you will but someone can object to someones lifestyle as long as they are not intruding on their rights. See? I just talked myself out of this because not allowing them to marry is against their rights.

Obama: It wouldn't be me without ragging on John-O for his ultra liberal views (channeling my inner Rush Limbaugh to his inner Olbermann) but Barack's stance on gay marriage is a little surprising. He's against gay "marriage", but he's for Civil Unions. Alright, not exactly surprising but seriously, old Democrats and Clinton people? That's our "change"? Plus he's backing away from almost all his campaign promises and he's NOT EVEN IN FUCKING OFFICE YET!! Except for the environmental one, which I think is hilarious. 1.4 Billion to turn blue collar jobs into green collar jobs, without an explanation of how or explaining how he will come up with the money to pay for it. Love it.

Anyways, this was a shitty post but you get my point. I'm personally against prohibiting gays to marry, shocker since I'm a half assed Republican and a Christian. What about you smucks? What do you think?