The movie isn't even out yet I think Tron: Legacy sucks complete donkey balls. And the makers, whoever the hell they are have completely ruined what's left of my childhood (George Lucas, The Police and the rest of The Who being the others). Why am I being such a cranky pants about this? Well, because 1) it's obvious that Hollywood has completely run out of ideas and 2) Tron was the last movie I truly treasured and a imperfect masterpiece (yes, I know that this is a contradiction). Anyways if you've seen the trailer, sorry, but I just know this movie is going to be horrific. Worse than Brokeback Mountain, worse than Haiti, worse than the floods in India (where in the hell were the celebs for that?) Am I going too far with that analogy? Probably, but fuck it, no one reads this shitty blog anyways. Anyways here are the reasons this movie will be worse than Obamacare. Alright that was too far, nothing is worse than that. Anyways...
1) The George Lucas Principle
Basically the makers are cashing in on my generation nostalgia just like Lucas did with his reprehensible episodes I - III. And since they are doing this the makers know that they can trudge any sort of shitty writing out there as long as everything looks really fucking cool. And if all goes well (marketing) numbnuts with worn out Ghostbusters shirts and mortgages will belly up to the window and fork over 100 bones to see it. See, when I first saw Episode I - III I basically told myself it was good because Star Wars was my favorite thing in the whole world and I couldn't believe George Lucas would put out such sub-standard work just in the name of profit. Well he did, and once I actually hit my adulthood (age 35), I realized that episodes I-III were really, really awful. Now, I'm not going to be fooled again, no way fucko!
2) It's Really Shiny
The original Tron was truly a labor of love. The fucking thing was really hard to make. Seriously, look it up. It took 5 years for the damn thing to be made because this was basically the first true CGI movie. And it was almost all done by hand and without the aid of huge computers with shit-ton of memory and graphics. It was done by rotoscoping and really....big computers. Well with 1/10000 of the processors we have today. Plus the writers of the movie had the script first, then worked on the really cool graphics. Now all the attention will be towards the graphics and when all that is done they might spend a little time on the script. Just like every big market Hollywood movies today it's going to be all bark and no bite.
3) Daft Punk is doing the Soundtrack.
No explanation needed.
4) Everyone's a Sellout
It's true, there is truly no Indy movie or movie star today, and if there is they're surely almost dead of a heroin overdose by now. Money truly speaks, just ask Leonardo "private jet, stop global warming" DiCaprio, Michael "$4500 a day for a spa, capitalism sucks unless it applies to me" Moore. And especially ask Sean "I love murderous dictators and making shitty lib movies" Penn. And now ask Jeff "the dude" Bridges. Seriously Jeff, you look ridiculous, please stop. I want to watch True Grit if only to watch you shoot Matt Damon and skull-fuck him.
5) It's Been Waaaaaaay Too long Between Movies
Seriously, 18 years. They called in Cindy Morgan and subsequently wrote her out of the script. They called in David Warner and they dragged in a corpse that looked similar to David Warner. They had to CGI the fuck out of Jeff Bridges to make him look presentable. Plus, it's already firmly entrenched in my brain that Tron (the original) is one of the best nerd movies of all time, It's part of my childhood experience, the good one this time, there is absolutely no way you can make the sequel better than the original. Ask the makers of Alvin and the Chipmunk movies, the Squeakwul was a complete shitstorm compared to the awesome original.
6) Cliches
In the trailer the dialogue is horribly cliched. And I believe I heard someone yelling "WOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" when driving the tank. Umm....no. Fuck that. This will suck. There will be suckdom.
Showing posts with label Movie rant. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Movie rant. Show all posts
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Saturday, August 9, 2008
The Best (And Worst) Of Mental Handicapped Acting
There's an old saying, if you want an Oscar act retarded, I mean literally retarded. Playing a mentally challenged individual is not easy, there's preparation, clothing to be picked out, helmets to be tried on, mittens to be stapled to coats then recreating this in front of the camera with the film crew desperately trying not to laugh like hell. Here are the best and worst.
Leonardo DiCaprio - Arnie - What's Eating Gilbert Grape
Pretty much Leo's best role, seriously, everything else compared to this is complete crap. I don't care how good The Departed is Leo pegged the angst of a 16 year old handicapped boy who likes to decapitate bugs in mailboxes and climb water towers perfectly. When finding his morbidly obese mother dead, shit, sorry, SPOILER ALERT, Leo does a great job freaking out, hitting his head then cower to the corner like a horse seeing a shotgun.
The Mental Handicap Portrayed- The Indie Retard. The standard 3 year old speech, the hands, hitting his own head like a confused George Forman seeing himself in the mirror all kit and caboodle in the behavior patterns of a mentally challenged person in an indie film.
Rating: 3 out of 4
Cuba Gooding, Jr. - Radio - Radio
Standard check list before cameras rolled on Cuba. Jump up and down like a child? Check. Crappy clothes? Check. Yell out plays to the opposing team like a two year old on crack? Check. Run head first into a fence chasing a football? Check. This is pretty much Cuba's best role since, umm, errrr, oh that episode of MacGuyver.
The Mental Handicap Portrayed - Copycat Retard. Cuba really just imitated the real Radio, not much of a challenge there. Plus they are both black and bald, well, Cuba has 9/10Th of the role nailed already. Now if someone like Sidney Poitier did it? There's a movie.
Rating: 2 out of 4
Ed Norton - Jack - The Score
This was a challenge for Norton because he had to become normal to handicapped and back again at a drop of a hat. He's the inside man at a museum that houses a sceptre that he and Deniro want to steal which is, I guess, is worth like a hundred dollars (10,000 in Canadian dollars). So when he takes the persona of a mentally handicapped putz it's less likely the Canadian Mounties will suspect him once the shit goes down. Unfortunately he tries to dick over Mumbles DeNiro. Bad move.
The Mental Handicap portrayed - Secret Double Handicap With Catch Phrase. That right my friends we have the tripeca! Not only does he act like he has the brain of a five year old he also twitches his mouth and walks like I do after 20 beers, plus the hand and arm thing, then his own catch phrase, "Ok bye bye" (french kissing sound) Magnifiek! Unfortunately no academy awards came Norton's way for his efforts, so I hope his mouth and face didn't feel too sore after filming wrapped.
Rating: 3 1/2 out of 4
Unknown Actor - The Gimp - Pulp Fiction
Anyone dressed up in leather, put in chains and only brought out to play watch dog while his owners sodomize unwilling and unknowing suspects has to have some sort of mental handicap right? All the guy does is grunt for pete sakes! Plus, is that guy always on? I mean isn't there a time where he takes a time out and gets a cup of coffee and relax with Redfoot or does he just inhale leftover scraps in his cage like a crazed gorilla? The mind boggles.
The Mental Handicap Portrayed - The Gimp. The guy has his own category. I'm not sure if that is a mentally handicapped person, for all we know it could be a shaved gorilla underneath all that leather. I like how he freaks like Chim Chim losing her favorite kitten when Butch escapes.
Rating 2 out of 4
Juliet Lewis/GIavonni Rubisi - Carla Tate/Daniel McMann - The Other Sister
Giavonni already has that dazed look of a mentally handicap person and Juliet Lewis, I mean, c'mon too easy, they were born for this part. But as the title implies, The Other Sister, Juliet is meant to be seen and not heard and is a total embarrassment to her family. I guess there was some controversy when this movie came out with how Lewis and Rabissi portrayed handicapped people. I saw no problems with it except, well, they talk about sex. Which is about as awkward as Shaq shooting a free throw.
The Mental Handicap Portrayed - The Retarded Couple. Not since the president and first lady have two people portrayed a handicapped couple with such accuracy (there you go John-O, I bashed George W.) and grace. Too bad everyone thought this movie sucked hard core.
Rating: 1 out of 4
Dustin Hoffman - Raymond - Rain Man (The Best)
Here it is, the man, the legend, the old fuck that started it all, Dustin Hoffman. He wants to know when Wapner is on, he farts in rented undies AND he counts cards as easily as I get drunk and fall down. He may be WAY to old to be Tom Cruise's brother but who cares, he won an academy award before the academy started sucking.
The Mental Handicap Portrayed - Autism. Autism has almost knocked out global warming, I mean, climate change as celebrities' number 1 concern so it's a big deal. But that's be clear Raymond could do what comes naturally that took a bunch of Asian kids from MTI years to master in the casinos, counting cards. Hats off Ray!
Rating: 5 out of 4
Sean Penn - Sam Dawson - I Am Sam (the Worst)
Let's see, a mentally handicapped dude works at Starbucks, I'll say that again STARBUCKS, has a kid AND has an apartment in L.A. Every starving artist take note you can work at Starbucks and have a decent apartment. Anyhoo he has his kid taken away only because he's retarded (assholes) which leads to the worse exchange in cinematic history:
Sam: I need a lawyer to get back my kid.
Lawyer: I'll do it pro bono.
Sam: Pro bono! I can't afford pro bono!
Lawyer: No, pro bono means free.
Sam: I can afford pro bono!? (starts jumping around like baby huey) Pro bono!!!
Awful, just awful. I wonder if any handicapped person actually sued Penn and the maker of this movie.
Then this exchange with his daughter.
Sam: You've grown.
Lucy: Have I?
Sam: Yeah, 'cause your ears are bigger and your eyes are older.
Fuck me man! If I ever uttered that in the presence of my wife to one of my sons she has every right to divorce me and/or kick me in the nuts.
The Mental Handicap Portrayed - Blatant Oscar grabbing handicap - Penn introduced Pearl Jam for the VH1 rock honors for The Who. He mentioned that The Who never sold out, like him and Pearl Jam. Ok, 1) Don't forget that Pearl Jam fought Ticketbastard then relented when they realized that they weren't getting as much money as before so Eddie Vedder couldn't buy his designer markers to write shit on his arm like: "I'm a douche" and "Peace" or whatever the fuck he writes and aren't they on a major record label? And 2) Penn seems to have amnesia because he forgets he did this movie (STARBUCKS!). I don't know what selling out is but it's pretty fucking close to this movie.
Rating: negative infinity out of 4
Corky - Corky - Life Goes On
I can't make fun of my boy Corky so this will be brief
The Mental Handicap Portrayed - Down Syndrome with Beatles Music - Poor Corky realized he was slow when he couldn't solve a simple high school algebra equation. I had the exact same look on my face when I was faced with the same equation in 9th grade. P.S. I flunked that class miserably. So guess what? I'm retarded too and I happy to admit it.
Rating: I'm seriously going to hell for this.
Leonardo DiCaprio - Arnie - What's Eating Gilbert Grape
Pretty much Leo's best role, seriously, everything else compared to this is complete crap. I don't care how good The Departed is Leo pegged the angst of a 16 year old handicapped boy who likes to decapitate bugs in mailboxes and climb water towers perfectly. When finding his morbidly obese mother dead, shit, sorry, SPOILER ALERT, Leo does a great job freaking out, hitting his head then cower to the corner like a horse seeing a shotgun.
The Mental Handicap Portrayed- The Indie Retard. The standard 3 year old speech, the hands, hitting his own head like a confused George Forman seeing himself in the mirror all kit and caboodle in the behavior patterns of a mentally challenged person in an indie film.
Rating: 3 out of 4
Cuba Gooding, Jr. - Radio - Radio
Standard check list before cameras rolled on Cuba. Jump up and down like a child? Check. Crappy clothes? Check. Yell out plays to the opposing team like a two year old on crack? Check. Run head first into a fence chasing a football? Check. This is pretty much Cuba's best role since, umm, errrr, oh that episode of MacGuyver.
The Mental Handicap Portrayed - Copycat Retard. Cuba really just imitated the real Radio, not much of a challenge there. Plus they are both black and bald, well, Cuba has 9/10Th of the role nailed already. Now if someone like Sidney Poitier did it? There's a movie.
Rating: 2 out of 4
Ed Norton - Jack - The Score
This was a challenge for Norton because he had to become normal to handicapped and back again at a drop of a hat. He's the inside man at a museum that houses a sceptre that he and Deniro want to steal which is, I guess, is worth like a hundred dollars (10,000 in Canadian dollars). So when he takes the persona of a mentally handicapped putz it's less likely the Canadian Mounties will suspect him once the shit goes down. Unfortunately he tries to dick over Mumbles DeNiro. Bad move.
The Mental Handicap portrayed - Secret Double Handicap With Catch Phrase. That right my friends we have the tripeca! Not only does he act like he has the brain of a five year old he also twitches his mouth and walks like I do after 20 beers, plus the hand and arm thing, then his own catch phrase, "Ok bye bye" (french kissing sound) Magnifiek! Unfortunately no academy awards came Norton's way for his efforts, so I hope his mouth and face didn't feel too sore after filming wrapped.
Rating: 3 1/2 out of 4
Unknown Actor - The Gimp - Pulp Fiction
Anyone dressed up in leather, put in chains and only brought out to play watch dog while his owners sodomize unwilling and unknowing suspects has to have some sort of mental handicap right? All the guy does is grunt for pete sakes! Plus, is that guy always on? I mean isn't there a time where he takes a time out and gets a cup of coffee and relax with Redfoot or does he just inhale leftover scraps in his cage like a crazed gorilla? The mind boggles.
The Mental Handicap Portrayed - The Gimp. The guy has his own category. I'm not sure if that is a mentally handicapped person, for all we know it could be a shaved gorilla underneath all that leather. I like how he freaks like Chim Chim losing her favorite kitten when Butch escapes.
Rating 2 out of 4
Juliet Lewis/GIavonni Rubisi - Carla Tate/Daniel McMann - The Other Sister
Giavonni already has that dazed look of a mentally handicap person and Juliet Lewis, I mean, c'mon too easy, they were born for this part. But as the title implies, The Other Sister, Juliet is meant to be seen and not heard and is a total embarrassment to her family. I guess there was some controversy when this movie came out with how Lewis and Rabissi portrayed handicapped people. I saw no problems with it except, well, they talk about sex. Which is about as awkward as Shaq shooting a free throw.
The Mental Handicap Portrayed - The Retarded Couple. Not since the president and first lady have two people portrayed a handicapped couple with such accuracy (there you go John-O, I bashed George W.) and grace. Too bad everyone thought this movie sucked hard core.
Rating: 1 out of 4
Dustin Hoffman - Raymond - Rain Man (The Best)
Here it is, the man, the legend, the old fuck that started it all, Dustin Hoffman. He wants to know when Wapner is on, he farts in rented undies AND he counts cards as easily as I get drunk and fall down. He may be WAY to old to be Tom Cruise's brother but who cares, he won an academy award before the academy started sucking.
The Mental Handicap Portrayed - Autism. Autism has almost knocked out global warming, I mean, climate change as celebrities' number 1 concern so it's a big deal. But that's be clear Raymond could do what comes naturally that took a bunch of Asian kids from MTI years to master in the casinos, counting cards. Hats off Ray!
Rating: 5 out of 4
Sean Penn - Sam Dawson - I Am Sam (the Worst)
Let's see, a mentally handicapped dude works at Starbucks, I'll say that again STARBUCKS, has a kid AND has an apartment in L.A. Every starving artist take note you can work at Starbucks and have a decent apartment. Anyhoo he has his kid taken away only because he's retarded (assholes) which leads to the worse exchange in cinematic history:
Sam: I need a lawyer to get back my kid.
Lawyer: I'll do it pro bono.
Sam: Pro bono! I can't afford pro bono!
Lawyer: No, pro bono means free.
Sam: I can afford pro bono!? (starts jumping around like baby huey) Pro bono!!!
Awful, just awful. I wonder if any handicapped person actually sued Penn and the maker of this movie.
Then this exchange with his daughter.
Sam: You've grown.
Lucy: Have I?
Sam: Yeah, 'cause your ears are bigger and your eyes are older.
Fuck me man! If I ever uttered that in the presence of my wife to one of my sons she has every right to divorce me and/or kick me in the nuts.
The Mental Handicap Portrayed - Blatant Oscar grabbing handicap - Penn introduced Pearl Jam for the VH1 rock honors for The Who. He mentioned that The Who never sold out, like him and Pearl Jam. Ok, 1) Don't forget that Pearl Jam fought Ticketbastard then relented when they realized that they weren't getting as much money as before so Eddie Vedder couldn't buy his designer markers to write shit on his arm like: "I'm a douche" and "Peace" or whatever the fuck he writes and aren't they on a major record label? And 2) Penn seems to have amnesia because he forgets he did this movie (STARBUCKS!). I don't know what selling out is but it's pretty fucking close to this movie.
Rating: negative infinity out of 4
Corky - Corky - Life Goes On
I can't make fun of my boy Corky so this will be brief
The Mental Handicap Portrayed - Down Syndrome with Beatles Music - Poor Corky realized he was slow when he couldn't solve a simple high school algebra equation. I had the exact same look on my face when I was faced with the same equation in 9th grade. P.S. I flunked that class miserably. So guess what? I'm retarded too and I happy to admit it.
Rating: I'm seriously going to hell for this.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
They Had It, Then Lost It
Cracked.com ran an interesting little story labeled "Sick Boy Syndrome, Top 5 Comedians That Had It, Then Lost It." Sick boy is the dude from Trainspotting who tells the hero of the story of Sean Connery, had it, but lost it and only got the oscar for The Untouchables because the Academy felt like they had to give him something. Well the comedians they claimed that lost it were: Jim Carrey, Mike Myers, Eddy Murphy, Robin Williams and Steve Martin. I agreed with them all except Mike Myers, I don't think he neccesarily lost it, I just think he ran out of original jokes midway through Wayne's World II. Even Austin Powers had a ton of jokes lifted directly from Wayne's World. I actually like Mike Myers but were all going to have to get used to the fact that his last funny moment was his reaction to Kanye West's rant about Bush. Anyways, I thought I would continue the list of those who had it, but lost it.
Ed Norton
In The Beginning: Primal Fear, American History X, People Vs. Larry Flynt, Rounders
Peaked: Fight Club
The First Indication Something Was Wrong: Keeping The Faith
The Demise: Everything since. I know people like Hulk but fuck me, he's basically Tyler Durden again, but instead of turning into Brad Pitt smoking, beating the shit out of people and banging everything that moves he turns into the exact same thing Eric Bana turned into in 2003. All of his political and environmental hypocricy aside he really hasn't starred in a good movie since Fight Club, I even thought The Illusionist was a complete bore.
John Cusack
In The Beginning: Better Off Dead, Tapeheads, One Crazy Summer, Eight Men Out, The Grifters
Peaked: Somewhere between Gross Point Blank and High Fidelity
The First Indication Something Was Wrong: Identity
The Demise: The Iraq War. Hey, if you don't like the war and really hate Bush be my guest, it's definatley your right to say so but at least make some decent fucking movies. Grace Is Gone? War, Inc.? Crap. His overly simplistic view of the U.S. profiteering off war was kind of funny because technically he's making money off the war with his movies with the Iraq War as a backdrop. Unless he's giving the profits to charity. I didn't think so. Even his non protest movies suck; The Ice Harvest, American Sweethearts, Serendipity, Must Love Dogs. Jesus, just complete sell out shit movies.
Adrien Brody
In The Beginning: Basically hit and miss movies throughout his career such as Bread and Roses, Harrison's Flowers and Thin Red Line (Hey, I liked it).
Peaked: The Pianist
The First Indication Something Was Wrong: Dummy. The Pianist was so good and so gut wretching that I could only see it once, like Schindler's List. It was one of the few nominations that I actually agreed with the Academy. Then Adrien went the way of Cuba Gooding, Jr. and hasn't starred in a good role since. I have yet to see the Darjeeling Limited but I've heard it was pretty disapointing. Well, for some fucking reason I liked The Life Aqautic with Steve Zassou.....
Brad Pitt
In The Beginning: Seven, Legends Of The Fall (yes, I liked it, sue me), Interview With A Vampire, Twelve Monkeys, Fight Club, Snatch
Peaked: Ocean's Eleven
The First Indication Something Was Wrong: The Mexican. Really this isn't Brad's fault, he's more TMZ now than an actor. So when I saw Assissination of Jesse James (pretty boring by the way, and fucking looong. I didn't finish it) all I could think of was Bradgelina, or Angiebrad or whatever the fuck they call themselves. But really his film qualities have dipped since Ocean's Eleven.
Kevin Spacey
In The Beginning: Henry and June, Glengarry Glen Ross (GO TO FUCKING LUNCH YOU FUCK!!!), Usual Suspects, Seven, The Ref, Doomsday Gun, The Big Kahuna, L.A. Confidential, Midnight In The Garden Of Good And Evil
Peaked: American Beauty
The First Indication Something Was Wrong: K-PAX. Unfortunately Kevin Spacey is clearly in his check cashing mailing it in phase along with with the likes of Al Pacino and DeNiro.
Actors who have been pretty steady their entire career: Morgan Freeman, Harrison Ford (well, kinda), Sam Rockwell, Tony Shaloub, Stanley Tucci, Helena Bohnam Carter, Ewan McGregor (though he has starred in complete shitballs), Christian Bale, John Malkovich, Liam Neeson, Ralph Fiennes and others I can't think of.
Ed Norton
In The Beginning: Primal Fear, American History X, People Vs. Larry Flynt, Rounders
Peaked: Fight Club
The First Indication Something Was Wrong: Keeping The Faith
The Demise: Everything since. I know people like Hulk but fuck me, he's basically Tyler Durden again, but instead of turning into Brad Pitt smoking, beating the shit out of people and banging everything that moves he turns into the exact same thing Eric Bana turned into in 2003. All of his political and environmental hypocricy aside he really hasn't starred in a good movie since Fight Club, I even thought The Illusionist was a complete bore.
John Cusack
In The Beginning: Better Off Dead, Tapeheads, One Crazy Summer, Eight Men Out, The Grifters
Peaked: Somewhere between Gross Point Blank and High Fidelity
The First Indication Something Was Wrong: Identity
The Demise: The Iraq War. Hey, if you don't like the war and really hate Bush be my guest, it's definatley your right to say so but at least make some decent fucking movies. Grace Is Gone? War, Inc.? Crap. His overly simplistic view of the U.S. profiteering off war was kind of funny because technically he's making money off the war with his movies with the Iraq War as a backdrop. Unless he's giving the profits to charity. I didn't think so. Even his non protest movies suck; The Ice Harvest, American Sweethearts, Serendipity, Must Love Dogs. Jesus, just complete sell out shit movies.
Adrien Brody
In The Beginning: Basically hit and miss movies throughout his career such as Bread and Roses, Harrison's Flowers and Thin Red Line (Hey, I liked it).
Peaked: The Pianist
The First Indication Something Was Wrong: Dummy. The Pianist was so good and so gut wretching that I could only see it once, like Schindler's List. It was one of the few nominations that I actually agreed with the Academy. Then Adrien went the way of Cuba Gooding, Jr. and hasn't starred in a good role since. I have yet to see the Darjeeling Limited but I've heard it was pretty disapointing. Well, for some fucking reason I liked The Life Aqautic with Steve Zassou.....
Brad Pitt
In The Beginning: Seven, Legends Of The Fall (yes, I liked it, sue me), Interview With A Vampire, Twelve Monkeys, Fight Club, Snatch
Peaked: Ocean's Eleven
The First Indication Something Was Wrong: The Mexican. Really this isn't Brad's fault, he's more TMZ now than an actor. So when I saw Assissination of Jesse James (pretty boring by the way, and fucking looong. I didn't finish it) all I could think of was Bradgelina, or Angiebrad or whatever the fuck they call themselves. But really his film qualities have dipped since Ocean's Eleven.
Kevin Spacey
In The Beginning: Henry and June, Glengarry Glen Ross (GO TO FUCKING LUNCH YOU FUCK!!!), Usual Suspects, Seven, The Ref, Doomsday Gun, The Big Kahuna, L.A. Confidential, Midnight In The Garden Of Good And Evil
Peaked: American Beauty
The First Indication Something Was Wrong: K-PAX. Unfortunately Kevin Spacey is clearly in his check cashing mailing it in phase along with with the likes of Al Pacino and DeNiro.
Actors who have been pretty steady their entire career: Morgan Freeman, Harrison Ford (well, kinda), Sam Rockwell, Tony Shaloub, Stanley Tucci, Helena Bohnam Carter, Ewan McGregor (though he has starred in complete shitballs), Christian Bale, John Malkovich, Liam Neeson, Ralph Fiennes and others I can't think of.
Thursday, July 3, 2008
This Is My Last Role? 'Scuse Me While I Go Die Now
I know all actors would like to go out on top, to be remembered in a way that is dignified and glorious. Heath Ledger's last role was Joker in the Dark Knight, which I hear is receiving serious raves. Sometimes though actors are not as lucky as 'ol Heath. Sometimes an actors last role is the equivalent of the death scene of Elvis; face down, pants down, bloated and fat with the last contribution for the world floating in the john. Yes I ripped off Denis Leary, he ripped off Bill Hicks, were all even. Anyways, here are some actors whose last role I would deem a total shitball.
The Actor: Raul Julia
Best Known For: Kiss of the Spider Women, Moon Over Parador, Addams Family, Presumed Innocent, Tequila Sunrise
Last Movie Role: Street Fighter
Analysis: I loved Raul Julia, I was kind of bummed to hear he passed on, but not as bummed to learn that his last role was Street Fighter, exhibits 1 and 1A of why video games should not be turned into movies. A total shitfest of bad acting, bad action and homeroticism that rivaled Top Gun. To make matters worse his last role was opposite of Jean Claude Van Damme, who's fall from grace was so bad that he actually got a boner on live TV not to long ago. Raul deserved better. Jean Claude deserves a severe beating.
The Actor: Chris Farley
Best Known For: Tommyboy, Coneheads, Airheads, Billy Madison, actually his movies kind of sucked after Tommyboy, but I'll continue.
Last Movie Role: Almost Heroes
Analysis: This movie was so bad I think I shit myself, literally shit on myself. Even though Black Sheep blew and Beverly Hills Ninja was a cornucopia of crap Almost Heroes was just pain inducing bad. I have a feeling that if Farely continued to live he probably would have made a movie so awful that anyone that viewed it would have looked like that kid from The Ring.
The Actor: John Belushi
Best Known For: Animal House, Continental Divide (which I thought sucked but..), 1941, Blues Brothers
Last Movie Role: Neighbors
Analysis: About this time Belushi's drug habit was pretty fucking intense, so much so that the director of this film had no clue whether or not Belushi would even show up sometimes. Though the movie wasn't as bad as Almost Heroes it sure was light years away from Blues Brothers. Like Farely, Belushi died of a drug overdose at the age of 33. Farely, I guess, was following in John's footsteps by starring in shitty movies before 8 balling out.
The Actor: John Candy
Best Known For: Uncle Buck, Planes Trains and Automobiles, Spaceballs, The Great Outdoors, Cool Runnings, Stripes
Last Movie Role: Wagons East
Analysis: Wagons East was so bad that he actually died on the set suffering the indignity of being packed in a piano crate to be shipped back to Canada in order to escape from the film. Even more hardcore than chewing off your own arm when it's trapped in a bear trap. And that's not the worst of it, the movie was dedicated to him, kind of like Denny's dedicating a toilet seat to me. Of course Candy's last released movie was Canadian Bacon, a movie written and directed by Michael Moore, which would have killed me dead.
The Actress: Natalie Wood
Best Known For: West Side Story and other classic movies that I never bothered to see.
Last Movie Role: Brainstorm
Analysis: While I enjoyed Brainstorm a lot of critics did not. Even though Natalie Wood and Louise Fletcher were nominated for their roles it was the Saturn awards, a Sci Fi thing, not exactly the Academy Awards. It also flopped at the box office. Many of the scenes were filmed with stand ins for the remainder of the shoot due to a drunk Natalie Wood betting Robert Wagner that she could swim. I'm going to hell for that last sentence.
The Actor: Peter Sellers
Best Known For: Pink Panther movies, Casino Royale, Being There, The Ladykillers, other classics
Last Movie Role: Trail of the Pink Panther
Analysis: I'm stretching this a bit because he never actually "starred" in the movie because he died of a heart attack before shooting, but it didn't stop Blake Edwards from making the movie scrapping together scant new and old footage of Sellers. The movie is basically a reporter (Jonna Lumley - Ab Fab fame) trying to track down Inspector Clouseau, our favorite bumbling detective. The movie was so shitty that Sellers died again after viewing it.
The Actor: Bela Lagosi
Best Known For: Dracula and other classic movies
Last Movie Role: Plan 9 From Outer Space
Analysis: His last starring role was in a movie that is basically regarded as the worst movie ever made, even more so than Crash, and that's saying a lot. You just can't top that.
The Director: Stanley Kubrick
Best Known For: A Clockwork Orange, 2001, Full Metal Jacket, The Shining, Spartacus, Paths Of Glory
Last Directing Gig: Eyes Wide Shut
Analysis: I know John-O really likes this movie so I'll be gentle. This movie was a big piece of shit. Bad acting, script and a soundtrack that sounded like it was written by a five year old. That and the last lines of the movie was so fucking awful. "What do we do now?" asked Tom Cruise. "Fuck" responded Nicole Kidman in a role that she acted so wooden that if you told me a robot was a stand in I would believe you. Nicole Kidman was even nude for the movie and I still thought it sucked. I'm pretty convinced that Kubrick died for this movie. If he actually lived I'm betting heavily that this movie would have been panned heavily and would probably been nominated for a couple of Rassies. Sorry John-O, I wasn't gentle, your welcome to fillet any movie that I like.
The Actor: Raul Julia
Best Known For: Kiss of the Spider Women, Moon Over Parador, Addams Family, Presumed Innocent, Tequila Sunrise
Last Movie Role: Street Fighter
Analysis: I loved Raul Julia, I was kind of bummed to hear he passed on, but not as bummed to learn that his last role was Street Fighter, exhibits 1 and 1A of why video games should not be turned into movies. A total shitfest of bad acting, bad action and homeroticism that rivaled Top Gun. To make matters worse his last role was opposite of Jean Claude Van Damme, who's fall from grace was so bad that he actually got a boner on live TV not to long ago. Raul deserved better. Jean Claude deserves a severe beating.
The Actor: Chris Farley
Best Known For: Tommyboy, Coneheads, Airheads, Billy Madison, actually his movies kind of sucked after Tommyboy, but I'll continue.
Last Movie Role: Almost Heroes
Analysis: This movie was so bad I think I shit myself, literally shit on myself. Even though Black Sheep blew and Beverly Hills Ninja was a cornucopia of crap Almost Heroes was just pain inducing bad. I have a feeling that if Farely continued to live he probably would have made a movie so awful that anyone that viewed it would have looked like that kid from The Ring.
The Actor: John Belushi
Best Known For: Animal House, Continental Divide (which I thought sucked but..), 1941, Blues Brothers
Last Movie Role: Neighbors
Analysis: About this time Belushi's drug habit was pretty fucking intense, so much so that the director of this film had no clue whether or not Belushi would even show up sometimes. Though the movie wasn't as bad as Almost Heroes it sure was light years away from Blues Brothers. Like Farely, Belushi died of a drug overdose at the age of 33. Farely, I guess, was following in John's footsteps by starring in shitty movies before 8 balling out.
The Actor: John Candy
Best Known For: Uncle Buck, Planes Trains and Automobiles, Spaceballs, The Great Outdoors, Cool Runnings, Stripes
Last Movie Role: Wagons East
Analysis: Wagons East was so bad that he actually died on the set suffering the indignity of being packed in a piano crate to be shipped back to Canada in order to escape from the film. Even more hardcore than chewing off your own arm when it's trapped in a bear trap. And that's not the worst of it, the movie was dedicated to him, kind of like Denny's dedicating a toilet seat to me. Of course Candy's last released movie was Canadian Bacon, a movie written and directed by Michael Moore, which would have killed me dead.
The Actress: Natalie Wood
Best Known For: West Side Story and other classic movies that I never bothered to see.
Last Movie Role: Brainstorm
Analysis: While I enjoyed Brainstorm a lot of critics did not. Even though Natalie Wood and Louise Fletcher were nominated for their roles it was the Saturn awards, a Sci Fi thing, not exactly the Academy Awards. It also flopped at the box office. Many of the scenes were filmed with stand ins for the remainder of the shoot due to a drunk Natalie Wood betting Robert Wagner that she could swim. I'm going to hell for that last sentence.
The Actor: Peter Sellers
Best Known For: Pink Panther movies, Casino Royale, Being There, The Ladykillers, other classics
Last Movie Role: Trail of the Pink Panther
Analysis: I'm stretching this a bit because he never actually "starred" in the movie because he died of a heart attack before shooting, but it didn't stop Blake Edwards from making the movie scrapping together scant new and old footage of Sellers. The movie is basically a reporter (Jonna Lumley - Ab Fab fame) trying to track down Inspector Clouseau, our favorite bumbling detective. The movie was so shitty that Sellers died again after viewing it.
The Actor: Bela Lagosi
Best Known For: Dracula and other classic movies
Last Movie Role: Plan 9 From Outer Space
Analysis: His last starring role was in a movie that is basically regarded as the worst movie ever made, even more so than Crash, and that's saying a lot. You just can't top that.
The Director: Stanley Kubrick
Best Known For: A Clockwork Orange, 2001, Full Metal Jacket, The Shining, Spartacus, Paths Of Glory
Last Directing Gig: Eyes Wide Shut
Analysis: I know John-O really likes this movie so I'll be gentle. This movie was a big piece of shit. Bad acting, script and a soundtrack that sounded like it was written by a five year old. That and the last lines of the movie was so fucking awful. "What do we do now?" asked Tom Cruise. "Fuck" responded Nicole Kidman in a role that she acted so wooden that if you told me a robot was a stand in I would believe you. Nicole Kidman was even nude for the movie and I still thought it sucked. I'm pretty convinced that Kubrick died for this movie. If he actually lived I'm betting heavily that this movie would have been panned heavily and would probably been nominated for a couple of Rassies. Sorry John-O, I wasn't gentle, your welcome to fillet any movie that I like.
Saturday, June 21, 2008
The Most Overrated Directors Of All Time
A thought occurred before I started writing this crappy post. The Godfather and John-O, the two I originally hooked with up on the blogosphere, most of our friends are either currently working or have at one point in time worked at a movie theater. Weird. Anyway, I was inspired to write this post because a certain movie came out and it's no surprise that most critics are kicking the shit out of it. A little hint, it was originally called The Green Effect. But I thought I would compile a list of directors I think are totally overrated. Enjoy, or don't, whatever.
The Director: Clint Eastwood
High Times: Bird, Firefox, Outlaw Of Josie Wales, Pale Rider, Heartbreak Ridge
Low Times: Blood Work, The Rookie, True Crime
The Overrated: Unforgiven (Oscar winner), Million Dollar Baby (Oscar winner), Flags Of Our Father, Letters From Iwo Jima
Analysis: All the overrated movies suffer from the same exact thing, slow as fucking hell. The pacing makes me want to grab a couple of ensures and crap in my adult diapers while complaining that it's "too cold in here." Unforgiven was just boring and brutal, a shitty combination, Million Dollar Baby was horrifically overrated and unrealistic (seriously, that many people would show up at a womens boxing match?!) and both Flags and Letters just made me so depressed I wanted to crawl in the back of a hearse.
The Director: Spike Lee
High Times: Malcolm X
Low Times: Practically everything else.
The Overrated: Do The Right Thing, Mo' Better Blues, Jungle Fever
Analysis: We get it Spike, you hate white people now how making some good movies you friggin midget. In all reality Spike should of just quit after making Malcolm X because there was absolutely no farking way in hell he would ever top that again. All of his movies look like they were directed by NYU film school dropouts and the music in his movies are so fucking overbearing I feel that the orchestra pit is sitting directly behind me and not in the movie.
The Director: M. Knight Shamilamadigleberry
High Times: Sixth Sense
Low Times: Lady in the Water, or was it lake? Who gives a shit?
The Overrated: Everything else.
Analysis: I give M. Knight credit he does have a unique directing style, too bad his scripts suck out loud. His ego is Hulk huge, almost like he pays people around him to say shit like: "Signs does make sense, don't you change a thing." "Come on M. Knight, the movie studios have no idea how good Lady in the Water will be." "Make the Happening, it doesn't sound stupid. Make it your environmental movie, people will really think that they could be infected with a neuro toxin and die in horrific ways if they are bad to the environment." Whoops sorry, SPOILER ALERT. I admit, I have not seen The Happening and I only managed to get through roughly 30 minutes of The Village and about 5 minutes of Lady before taking out the DVD and chucking it back at the general direction of Blockbuster. But I already knew the endings so what's the point of going on? Actually I don't know the ending of Lady and somehow I don't give a shit.
The Director: Steven Spielberg
High Times: Saving Private Ryan, Shindler's List (or fist if you're into the porn), Raiders of the Lost Ark, Indiana Jones Last Crusade, Jurassic Park
Low Times: Always, AI (complete crap), Minority Report, Hook, The Terminal, War of the Worlds, Jurassic Park II and III
The Overrated: E.T., Catch Me If You Can, Munich, especially Munich, Jaws
Analysis: I really never thought Jaws was that great of a movie, there are a couple of good lines and I have always liked Roy Scheider as an actor but I just never thought it was all that great. E.T. and AI I have always thought were pretty much the same fucking movie, and when he digitally removed the guns from the people going after Sam Cassel, I mean E.T. I really started to hate Spielberg. Munich I thought was pretty much the ol' "let's not fight back if terrorist attack, let's be like France and let someone else deal with it" typical BS that hard core liberals are throwing around nowadays.
The Director: Ang Lee
High Times: Nothing
Low Times: Hulk
The Overrated: The Ice Storm, Brokeback Mountain, Eat Drink Man Women
Analysis: I saw roughly 30 minutes of Brokeback Mountain and I wanted those 30 minutes back. If Brokeback replaced the gay couple with a straight couple it would probably have been voted the worst movie of the year. I actually sat through Hulk and I wanted to shoot Stan Lee for even making the character Hulk. After watching The Ice Storm I can see way people living outside of the U.S. would think Americans suck. Eat Drink Man Women? Never saw it I have to admit, it just looked too artsy fartsy for me.
The Director: Oliver Stone
High Times: Platoon, Wall Street, Talk Radio
Low Times: Any Given Sunday, U Turn, Natural Born Killers, World Trade Center, Alexander, Nixon, Heaven and Earth
The Overrated: JFK
Analysis: The guy pretty much lost it after 1988 producing no movies with any redeeming qualities. He actually blamed the right wingers for the failures of Alexander completely ignoring the fact that the movie was a complete abortion. As for JFK? There was a great documentary on the JFK assassination on the History Channel which showed that Lee Harvey Oswald could in fact have killed JFK by himself. The one HUGE thing in the movie that was completely ignored was the fact that Oswald was an exceptional marksman. Oh and also the gun could be fired within the time allotted to blow off JFK's dome. Oh, and most of the "facts" in the movie were in fact complete lies. I felt violated when I learned this, I actually took some of the movie for fact. The documetary makers actually called for Stone to come in and be interviewed about his movie but he refused. When asked about his innaccuracies all he had to say was that he needed to make the movie entertaining, he had to exaggerate the facts a little. This is about the time I started to hate liberals.
The Director: Alan Smithee
High Times: Nothing
Low Times Everything
The Overrated: Nothing, all his movies suck
Analysis: This guy keeps getting job after job even though his movies suck complete balls. How this complete waste of space still manages getting gigs even though it's obvious that he has no talent is way beyond me. I mean, Jesus Christ monkey balls!
Note: I'm kidding.
The Director: Clint Eastwood
High Times: Bird, Firefox, Outlaw Of Josie Wales, Pale Rider, Heartbreak Ridge
Low Times: Blood Work, The Rookie, True Crime
The Overrated: Unforgiven (Oscar winner), Million Dollar Baby (Oscar winner), Flags Of Our Father, Letters From Iwo Jima
Analysis: All the overrated movies suffer from the same exact thing, slow as fucking hell. The pacing makes me want to grab a couple of ensures and crap in my adult diapers while complaining that it's "too cold in here." Unforgiven was just boring and brutal, a shitty combination, Million Dollar Baby was horrifically overrated and unrealistic (seriously, that many people would show up at a womens boxing match?!) and both Flags and Letters just made me so depressed I wanted to crawl in the back of a hearse.
The Director: Spike Lee
High Times: Malcolm X
Low Times: Practically everything else.
The Overrated: Do The Right Thing, Mo' Better Blues, Jungle Fever
Analysis: We get it Spike, you hate white people now how making some good movies you friggin midget. In all reality Spike should of just quit after making Malcolm X because there was absolutely no farking way in hell he would ever top that again. All of his movies look like they were directed by NYU film school dropouts and the music in his movies are so fucking overbearing I feel that the orchestra pit is sitting directly behind me and not in the movie.
The Director: M. Knight Shamilamadigleberry
High Times: Sixth Sense
Low Times: Lady in the Water, or was it lake? Who gives a shit?
The Overrated: Everything else.
Analysis: I give M. Knight credit he does have a unique directing style, too bad his scripts suck out loud. His ego is Hulk huge, almost like he pays people around him to say shit like: "Signs does make sense, don't you change a thing." "Come on M. Knight, the movie studios have no idea how good Lady in the Water will be." "Make the Happening, it doesn't sound stupid. Make it your environmental movie, people will really think that they could be infected with a neuro toxin and die in horrific ways if they are bad to the environment." Whoops sorry, SPOILER ALERT. I admit, I have not seen The Happening and I only managed to get through roughly 30 minutes of The Village and about 5 minutes of Lady before taking out the DVD and chucking it back at the general direction of Blockbuster. But I already knew the endings so what's the point of going on? Actually I don't know the ending of Lady and somehow I don't give a shit.
The Director: Steven Spielberg
High Times: Saving Private Ryan, Shindler's List (or fist if you're into the porn), Raiders of the Lost Ark, Indiana Jones Last Crusade, Jurassic Park
Low Times: Always, AI (complete crap), Minority Report, Hook, The Terminal, War of the Worlds, Jurassic Park II and III
The Overrated: E.T., Catch Me If You Can, Munich, especially Munich, Jaws
Analysis: I really never thought Jaws was that great of a movie, there are a couple of good lines and I have always liked Roy Scheider as an actor but I just never thought it was all that great. E.T. and AI I have always thought were pretty much the same fucking movie, and when he digitally removed the guns from the people going after Sam Cassel, I mean E.T. I really started to hate Spielberg. Munich I thought was pretty much the ol' "let's not fight back if terrorist attack, let's be like France and let someone else deal with it" typical BS that hard core liberals are throwing around nowadays.
The Director: Ang Lee
High Times: Nothing
Low Times: Hulk
The Overrated: The Ice Storm, Brokeback Mountain, Eat Drink Man Women
Analysis: I saw roughly 30 minutes of Brokeback Mountain and I wanted those 30 minutes back. If Brokeback replaced the gay couple with a straight couple it would probably have been voted the worst movie of the year. I actually sat through Hulk and I wanted to shoot Stan Lee for even making the character Hulk. After watching The Ice Storm I can see way people living outside of the U.S. would think Americans suck. Eat Drink Man Women? Never saw it I have to admit, it just looked too artsy fartsy for me.
The Director: Oliver Stone
High Times: Platoon, Wall Street, Talk Radio
Low Times: Any Given Sunday, U Turn, Natural Born Killers, World Trade Center, Alexander, Nixon, Heaven and Earth
The Overrated: JFK
Analysis: The guy pretty much lost it after 1988 producing no movies with any redeeming qualities. He actually blamed the right wingers for the failures of Alexander completely ignoring the fact that the movie was a complete abortion. As for JFK? There was a great documentary on the JFK assassination on the History Channel which showed that Lee Harvey Oswald could in fact have killed JFK by himself. The one HUGE thing in the movie that was completely ignored was the fact that Oswald was an exceptional marksman. Oh and also the gun could be fired within the time allotted to blow off JFK's dome. Oh, and most of the "facts" in the movie were in fact complete lies. I felt violated when I learned this, I actually took some of the movie for fact. The documetary makers actually called for Stone to come in and be interviewed about his movie but he refused. When asked about his innaccuracies all he had to say was that he needed to make the movie entertaining, he had to exaggerate the facts a little. This is about the time I started to hate liberals.
The Director: Alan Smithee
High Times: Nothing
Low Times Everything
The Overrated: Nothing, all his movies suck
Analysis: This guy keeps getting job after job even though his movies suck complete balls. How this complete waste of space still manages getting gigs even though it's obvious that he has no talent is way beyond me. I mean, Jesus Christ monkey balls!
Note: I'm kidding.
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