Thanks To The Makers of Tron:Legacy, You've Ruined My Childhood

The movie isn't even out yet I think Tron: Legacy sucks complete donkey balls. And the makers, whoever the hell they are have completely ruined what's left of my childhood (George Lucas, The Police and the rest of The Who being the others). Why am I being such a cranky pants about this? Well, because 1) it's obvious that Hollywood has completely run out of ideas and 2) Tron was the last movie I truly treasured and a imperfect masterpiece (yes, I know that this is a contradiction). Anyways if you've seen the trailer, sorry, but I just know this movie is going to be horrific. Worse than Brokeback Mountain, worse than Haiti, worse than the floods in India (where in the hell were the celebs for that?) Am I going too far with that analogy? Probably, but fuck it, no one reads this shitty blog anyways. Anyways here are the reasons this movie will be worse than Obamacare. Alright that was too far, nothing is worse than that. Anyways...

1) The George Lucas Principle

Basically the makers are cashing in on my generation nostalgia just like Lucas did with his reprehensible episodes I - III. And since they are doing this the makers know that they can trudge any sort of shitty writing out there as long as everything looks really fucking cool. And if all goes well (marketing) numbnuts with worn out Ghostbusters shirts and mortgages will belly up to the window and fork over 100 bones to see it. See, when I first saw Episode I - III I basically told myself it was good because Star Wars was my favorite thing in the whole world and I couldn't believe George Lucas would put out such sub-standard work just in the name of profit. Well he did, and once I actually hit my adulthood (age 35), I realized that episodes I-III were really, really awful. Now, I'm not going to be fooled again, no way fucko!

2) It's Really Shiny

The original Tron was truly a labor of love. The fucking thing was really hard to make. Seriously, look it up. It took 5 years for the damn thing to be made because this was basically the first true CGI movie. And it was almost all done by hand and without the aid of huge computers with shit-ton of memory and graphics. It was done by rotoscoping and really....big computers. Well with 1/10000 of the processors we have today. Plus the writers of the movie had the script first, then worked on the really cool graphics. Now all the attention will be towards the graphics and when all that is done they might spend a little time on the script. Just like every big market Hollywood movies today it's going to be all bark and no bite.

3) Daft Punk is doing the Soundtrack.

No explanation needed.

4) Everyone's a Sellout

It's true, there is truly no Indy movie or movie star today, and if there is they're surely almost dead of a heroin overdose by now. Money truly speaks, just ask Leonardo "private jet, stop global warming" DiCaprio, Michael "$4500 a day for a spa, capitalism sucks unless it applies to me" Moore. And especially ask Sean "I love murderous dictators and making shitty lib movies" Penn. And now ask Jeff "the dude" Bridges. Seriously Jeff, you look ridiculous, please stop. I want to watch True Grit if only to watch you shoot Matt Damon and skull-fuck him.

5) It's Been Waaaaaaay Too long Between Movies

Seriously, 18 years. They called in Cindy Morgan and subsequently wrote her out of the script. They called in David Warner and they dragged in a corpse that looked similar to David Warner. They had to CGI the fuck out of Jeff Bridges to make him look presentable. Plus, it's already firmly entrenched in my brain that Tron (the original) is one of the best nerd movies of all time, It's part of my childhood experience, the good one this time, there is absolutely no way you can make the sequel better than the original. Ask the makers of Alvin and the Chipmunk movies, the Squeakwul was a complete shitstorm compared to the awesome original.

6) Cliches

In the trailer the dialogue is horribly cliched. And I believe I heard someone yelling "WOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" when driving the tank. Umm....no. Fuck that. This will suck. There will be suckdom.

In A Word...Rush

Our boys from that place up north just released, literaly, just released a new single(s) from their upcoming album Clockwork Angels on iTunes. Thank Christ. I'm dying for some new music, and since I don't have enough time at all to research new bands, old reliables like Rush will have to do. Actually I'm way to busy to even know what the hell is going on in the world. I'm sure our resident socialist has been doing that just fine. Anyways I downloaded both tracks without even even a preview, because on memorial day when the world salutes the heroeos from the past, except for our resident socialist, I know Rush is just like a fellow soldier in a fox hole, they have my back. And I have to say, yes, they do. Great songs, here's a breakdown.

Caravan - Awesome.

BUB2 - Just as awesome.

That's all you need to know.

Oh yeah, apparently Clockwork Angles will be a concept album just like the Bible (2112). Can't fucking wait until 2011. And I can't wait until 2012 for a different reason. Just ask the resident socialist why I can't wait for that.

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I love Rush!!!!!!!!!!! Probably will Facebook it. I'm sure our resident socialist has something snotty and elitist to say about Facebook also. Whatever, WOOOOOOOOOO! USA! USA! USA! USA!

Top Ten Movies of the Aughts

Here we go. Again this is my list. F-off off if you don't like 'em. I'm trying to cut down on cussing for my new years resolution.


10) Hot Fuzz

9) Aqua Teen Hunger Force Movie

8) Snatch

7) Beerfest

6) No Country For Old Men

5) Sin City

4) Touching the Void

3) Layer Cake

2) 24 Hour Party People

1) Shaun of the Dead

There you go. No liberal b/s message. No self important pretentious b/s. No stupid Vice President jokes. No environmental beat-you-in-the-brain-you-should-be-mindful-of-mother-earth-while-flying-around-in-a-private-jet-and-making-movies-that-leave-carbon-footprints-larger-than-10million suv's-bullcrap. Just straight up beer-me entertainment.

Ahh, much better.

The Best Albums Of The Aughts

Goodbye aughts, hello roaring teens. Or depression teens, depending on who you talk to. Well, had a good decade, got engaged, then broke it off, became a funeral director, sold caskets, got burned out, then laid off. Had a couple of very awkward relationships with the opposite sex. Told a girl that kissing her made me throw up. Got drunk a lot, then sobered up, then got drunk a lot again, then sobered up again. Lost a lot of weight, met my current wife on the internets, got engaged again, got married, gained all the weight back. Saw Europe, bought a shitty house where two swift kicks to the wall will take you outside the house, had a kid. Got bone crippling depression from a job I despised, went back to school, got another degree, found a great job. Had another kid, then another, hopefully not another anytime soon (we're running out of names). So there you go, my decade in a nutshell.

But the thing I'll remember most about the decade is the albums, those awesome albums that got me through decade of "shock and awe" and "hopey, changey." Now, this is my list, alright? So make your own and post it and leave me alone. I know they suck, I have shitty taste in music.

10) Bouncing Souls - How I Spent My Summer Vacation (2001) - Now, this album is pretty much your standard poppy punk album, but what stands out are all the memories of that awesome year of 2001 that are associated with it. Seriously, it was a good year.

9) Dethklok - The Dethalbum (2008) - They aren't really technically a band but damn is it good. Melodic death metal. Lost Vikings is about a group of Vikings riding to battle then become lost, then are too stubborn to stop and ask directions. Funny and rocking.

8) Face to Face - How To Ruin Everything (2002) - The last album from one of my favorite bands.

7) Massive Attack - 100th Window (2003, I think) - Very haunting, melodic piece of electronica.

6) Minus The Bear - Menos el Oso (2005) - Yes, it's just Minus the Bear in mexican, or some sort of spanish. One of the few new bands that surprised me and made a great album.

5) Radio 4 - The New Song And Dance (2000) - The first album I ever bought on the internets. Sounds a lot like The Clash, yes I know, but it's still damn good.

4) The Suicide Machines - The Suicide Machines (2000) - The happily go lucky young men turned angry young men. Getting swept up in a "revolution" will do that I guess. But hey, I actually played one of their songs at my wedding.

3) Them Crooked Vultures - Them Crooked Vultures (2009) - Yes, I like this album that much.

2) The Underworld - A Hundred Days Off (2002) - An album that I have not really put down since I bought. Great combo of electronica and hypnotic melodies. Or whatever.

1 b) Queens of the Stone Age - Songs For The Deaf (2002) - Awesome, great, spectacular, another superlative! Josh Homme caught something special and unleashed it on us.

1a) Rush - Vapor Trails (2002) - Seriously, great album. When I first heard One Little Victory on the internets I got a chubby. Seriously, I did. But it's basically Neil Peart bearing his tormented soul to the nerds, and we all listened, and bought the shirt.

Them Crooked Vultures

I'm back! Who cares? Anyways I had to comment on this album which is the first complete album I ever downloaded from itunes. Fucking Steve Jobs, when the going gets tough, the tough raise their prices. $1.29 per fucking tune, thanks a pantload Chet, you must be a Republican, oh wait, your not! Anyways the reason why I downloaded the entire album other than it made more sense economy wise was the fact that it was a really good album. The first since Thievery Corporations' Radio Retaliation that I though was great. Let's run down Them Crooked Vultures lineup.

Josh Homme - Guitars, Vocals, Major Drug User, Damn good guitarist.

Dave Grohl - Drums, Bad-ass beard wearer, all around good guy.

John Paul Jones - Bass, Keys, the bad ass mother fucker from Led Zeppelin. It's THAT John Paul Jones. All 63 years old of him.

How about that lineup?! When I read that they were making an album I almost fainted, in joy. That makes no sense. Whatever, I was anticipating a good album. And I wasn't disappointed. Now, let's be honest. Does it break any new ground? No. Is it a perfect album? No. But it is a album full of hard rock and good tunes? Yes by god, yes. No, it's isn't jock rock, and it isn't like any of the wussy crap out now. I can sum it up it one sentence. Queen of the Stone Age meets Led Zeppelin meets Dave Grohl's drumming. There you go. Anything disappointing about it? Well, Dave Grohl didn't necessarily tear up the joint but was competent like Don Brewer (Simpson joke) and John Paul Jones' bass was good , but wasn't what I was expecting. But not bad at all.

The High Points

Bandoliers - The first song that really jumped out at me. The best on the album
Caligulove - Good title.
Elephants - 2nd best song, nothing to do with Gus Van Sant's (sp) movie. So it isn't gay.
Gunman - Has a nice little, freaky bass-line and haunting chorus.
Mind Eraser, No Chaser - Sounds like a Zep tune, they offered it as a free single two weeks before the albums release. Nice guys.
New Fang - Great tune, the 3rd best.
Reptiles - Someone call Robert Plant and Jimmy Page, their shit just got hijacked. Still a great tune. 4th best.
Scumbag Blues - Meh, still good though. Feels more like a Cream tune, so the Godfather will enjoy it.
No One Loves Me & Neither Do I - Alright enough, not exactly how to start off an album. Enough with the double entandres.
Interlude With Ludes - Get it? Takes a couple of listens to really appreciate it.

The Low Points

Warsaw Or The First Breath You Give Up
and
Spinning in Daffodils

These two songs were basically the rest of the band giving the keys of the car to Josh Homme and not giving him a curfew. Not awful, but not great. Meh.

Still, only two throw away tracks. Not bad.

The Best thing about this album was the fact that Dave Grohl and John Paul Jones didn't let Josh Homme take control and let the songs completely get trippy and LOOOOONNNNNGGGGG. Ever since his bassist from Queens of the Stone Age was kicked out (Nick Oliveri from The Dwarves fame) his songs have a tendency to either get away from him a little, or get really poppy. But these guys really ground him. Also, the guitar work is great, the solos are great, the tangents are great. This is a great album. It is a complete album, I seriously recommend this. I mean c'mon, I know, I hate Foo Fighters but Dave Grohl is a great drummer (see QOTSA, Killing Joke and Probot) and he really adds to this album. Thankfully he doesn't try to imitate John Bonham and really does a great job and it's John Paul FUCKING Jones. That's reason enough to buy this thing. Alright, I'm done. I'm back bitches!!!!!!

Ok, Maybe Not Permanent

Well, I'll retract my last post a little, I'll be doing a lot more over at The Big Beer Blog because it takes a lot less time to write reviews of beers, bars and such because that's right in my wheelhouse, plus, I like writing about beer a lot more than I do on pop culture and political rants. But I'll make my Ali-like comeback down the road for all two of you that read this crappy little blog. Kisses!

Permanent Hiatus

Life just getting in the way.

Songs Over 10 Minutes That Actually Keep My Attention

I grew up on Atari, junk food, Star Wars and Men At Work, so, as an adult it's pretty amazing if anything keeps my attention for longer than 4 minutes. My job is perfect for me because I have to continuously shuffle between rooms to make sure no one is dying and if someone is dying, trust me, your attention span grows. But I thought I would venture away from politics (I noticed that John-O has nixed me from the Blog-O-Sphere, c'est la vie) and list some songs that last a long goddamn time that I can listen to over and over again.

10) Castilian Drums (14:22) - Dave Brubeck - I don't mention jazz much because I only listen to it when I'm either drunk, depressed, trying to impress a chick or all three. But this song by the piano master Dave Brubeck is essentially a drum solo by Tom Morello. And man, it is great. I almost rank this higher than any Neil Peart drum solos only because this bastard took place in '64, when bitchin' drum solos were rare (except for maybe Count Basie's "Tan Your Hide") but I checked myself, lest I wrecked myself. Or what the fuck ever.

9) Scared (10:41) - Dream Theater - You knew they were going to show up on this list at some point. While there were other songs in consideration I have always enjoyed this bastard.

8) In-da-gatta-da-vida (17 goddamn minutes long)- Iron Butterfly - I always choose this at the jukebox because it's more bang for your buck, plus it's fun to watch people go insane (especially young uns) who don't know the song and don't realize that it last for fucking ever. Of course, there's a drum solo. First heard this in 10th grade and thought it was bitchin'.

7) Karn Evil 9 (29:41) - Emerson, Lake and Palmer - This isn't music, it's endurance. While it's packaged as separate songs it's meant as one long rock opera. It was so long they had to bust it up on two different sides.

6) Domino (10:45) - Genesis - Kinda dorky now but It's still one of my favorites, when Phil Collins had talent and hair.

5) Autumn Leaves (10:59) - Miles Davis - Again with the jazz, but Miles Davis (may he rest in peace) wrote some of the best tunes tunes of all time. He may have hated whitey but man did he love making kick ass jazz tunes. This one is one of my faves to relax and smoke a stogie to. Even though it's been a long time since I've done that. There were other tunes to consider that lasted over 10 minutes (My Funny Valentine, All Blues) but this one I like just a smidgen over the others.

4) Trainspotting (10:35) - Primal Scream - As the title indicates it's from Trainspotting soundtrack. While sober it's not much but drunk (and...ahem...high) it's pretty fun to listen to.

3) The Camera Eye (10:59) - Rush - Let's get this one out of the way.

2) Dark & Long (Dark Train) (10:53) - Underworld - Also used in Trainspotting (the dead baby falling from ceiling/coming down from heroine sequence) but this always reminds me of Ireland when I visited, but the trip lasted forever and I needed long songs for my then limited spaced Mp3 player.

1) Take a Pebble (12:49) - Emerson, Lake and Palmer - Almost cheating because in the middle of this song is a long hoedown but man, I do love the piano.

When Liberals Attack Liberals

You know there's something seriously wrong when one the beacons of liberal media starts accusing the most liberal president of trying to control the media. More about that here. Seriously, not even Nixon? Jeez. And I'm shocked as hell the Obama..err Huffington post would be involved. Well, at least Helen calls it how she sees it no matter what political party is involved.

Good Joke

I know people have already heard this by now but I think it's hi-larious.

Q: How many women have Michael Jackson screwed?

A: Just one, Farrah Fawcett.

Too soon? Who give a shit? I'm more bummed that Billy Mays died.

Rest In Peace Joan Crawfo...er...Michael Jackson

Who knew he was unbalanced? I wish there was some sort of sign. Oh well, that's one way to get out of multiple lawsuits and child molestation charges.

Dane Cook's Guide To Sucksess

On one of my trips to the 'ol pooping hole at work I discovered a 2006 issue of Men's Health magazine. On the cover was Dane Cook, making one of his stupid faces, the title was "Dane Cook's Slacker Guide To Success." I only got through one paragraph before realizing that the road to success for Dane was a shitload easier for him than say a fat comic from Indianapolis. So I decided to rewrite the article for him. So...

Dane Cook's Guide To Sucksess

1) Steal Jokes From Other Comics.

Unethical? Sure. Dick move? You bet, but you can be an unethical dickbag all the way...to the bank. It's as tried and true as the missionary position. Go to an untaped performance of a decent comic, say, Bill Hicks, take notes then basically repeat the jokes without even giving it a second thought. If questioned just ignore it or start yelling at the person doing the questioning. Before you know it your on your way to the top. But Josh, I mean, Dane, how can you rake in a shitload of taxable Obama dollars by stealing jokes? Well what do Carlos Mencia, Robin Williams and Denis Leary have in common? They are all rich as fucking hell and they all blatantly stole jokes from other comics. Hell, Denis Leary did one better and stole an entire persona. Then the poor bastard he stole from died before anyone was the wiser. Denis Leary is a lucky man, and you could be too.

2) Get A Decent Body

Since you'll be stealing jokes like Rosie O'Donnell you will have shitloads more time to work on your abs, gluets and biceps. Grab some weights some Muscle Milk and get your swell on bra. The audience will be less likely to boo you into oblivion if your packing a little heat on stage. Guys like Patton Oswald and Dave Attel have to be on top of their game due to their portly bodies and unsightly facial features. If you bomb at least you can raise your arms in your muscle shirt and squirt out your rock hard junk. Girls will dig it and guys will start thinking that they need to hit the gym without realizing that you told a shitty joke.

3) Make Unnecessary Exaggerated Movements On Stage...Also BE LOUD!

Works for Jim Carrey and Robin Williams and it could work for you. Flail about without any reason while telling a joke, for added effect BE LOUD! Raise your leg like a dancer while reciting a story about banging a chick. Arch your back and scream like Tarzan while doing a Tarzan impersonation. It works damn it! Robin Williams stage performance is 30% flailing, 30% imitating (gay guy, Wizard of Oz, black preacher, etc.), 30% Loud, 5% perspiration, 4.5% inspiration, 0.4% funny and 0.01% actual joke. But Dane, Robin WIlliams is really annoying. That's the fucking point. And look at him now, making tons of dough doing shitty movies and snorting coke off Christy Canyon's ass.

4) Be From Boston.

Or really any little town from Mass and Rhode I. Vermont is kind of pushing it. But take a gander at this list of famous people from Massachusetts. It's HUGE. That that doesn't even count assholes from Pravadance. So being a "southy" from "Bastan" gives you a much needed foot in the door. Even if you have absolutely no talent (Ben Affleck) or are really annoying (Mark Walhberg) or you actually have talent (J Mascis) you have an in. For added success wear your hat with the letter "B" on it and show up at Red Sawks games. Also show up and be really annoying when Bastan makes the World Series. It works I'm telling you. Do you think Steven King would have made it big being from Omaha, Nebraska? I think not. Think Matt Damon would be where he is today if he was from Albuquerque, New Mexico? How about Seth McFarlane of Family Guy fame? No. Fucking. Way. Having that annoying, bastardized version of a New Jersey accent will make you chic in Hollywood circles. Not from Boston? Move there as quick as you can, get the accent, become a fan, get liberal, then edit your Wikipedia and IMDB accounts as much as possible.

5) Be Very Liberal.

Actually this is just an option because you can avoid being political, but being a conservative is a great disadvantage to you in being successful, unless your a politician or a born again Christian preacher. For added success be very smug, arrogant and regurgitate all talking points from op-ed pieces from the L.A. Times, New York Times and Keith Olberman. Call everyone who has a different view from you childish names and hope rape on them and pregnancy on their underage children. Children? Going to far? Nope, just ask Dave Letterman. Make absolutely no sense when you debate someone on national t.v. Scream at them like Jon Stewart if you realize that you are making shit for sense. Also, go green. But Dane, I take private jets and slam more carbon in the air than a fucking volcano. See your ok, just SAY your green, you don't actually have to do it. Your not Ed Begley, Jr. for chrissakes. Works for Brad Pitt, Angolina Jolie, Leonardo DeCarprio, shit, the rest of Hollywood. See being liberal is basically a license to kill card. You can say the most racist insensitive things without being called out on it.

6) Don't Be Black.

Sorry, Dave Chappelle was a anomaly. If you are black you have to be a stereotype to the hilt, and even then you might not live long enough to see the fruits of your labor pay off. The road to success is still very racist my friends.

7) Be Gay (Last Resort)

This works well if your jokes are insanely unfunny (Ant) and if you are and unsightly piece of crap (Harvey Feirstein). It's not a slam dunk but it might work for you if all else fails. Gay rights are big in celebrity circles. Whatever you do, don't be talented and for the love of god do not do anything smacking of originality or hilarity. You could find yourself in obscurity hell like Scott Thompson. Be a stereotypical gay, be flamboyent, loud and annoying. Whatever you do, don't be funny. If your a lesbian, be careful. Rosie O'Donnel only got in because...actually I have no idea how the hell she got in.

8) Come Across As A Huge Slacker.

Kevin Smith started it and Dane Cook, me, kept it rolling. Being a slacker means your cool, man. Like you dig drinking, smoking weed and telling your boss to fuck off. People will instantly love you.

9) When All Else Fails, Dick, Vagina and Fart Jokes.

No explanation needed.

10) Don't Take Acting Lessons.

Complete waste of time unless your British and dig doing Shakespeare. When you make it big acting is a cinch. Why do you think Julia Roberts bombed on Broadway? Because she's a movie star, not an actor. And you can do take after take after take until you get it right. Paris Hilton. There you go.

Congrats! You made it big. But how do I keep the money rolling to keep up with my enormous lifestyle? Easy.

11) Run Out Of Ideas? Recycle, Recycle, Recycle.

Mike Myers movies are all the same and tell the exact same jokes. Hell if you watch Austin Powers 1 thru 3 non-stop you'll realize at some points (2 actually) that the movie started over with the same bits. Look at him now, he will never have to work again (unfortunately he still does). Make the same movie over and over again is the point. Romantic comedies will score you some quick recession proof scratch.

12) Make A Stand Up Comeback.

The stage is calling for you again, but instead of doing a shitty show at 1 am at the Chuckle Hut you will be booking enormous stages across the U.S. Do your stand up bits that made you big and for god sakes don't be funny. Not one fucking bit.

There you go, a quick Dane Cook Guide To Sucksess. See you at the Oscars fuck-o.

Media Bias? Naaaaaaaaw!

Great little ditty that if It wasn't so depressing it would be hilarious.



I was really never a fan of George Bush, I was really pissed with the first "stimulus" package but when Obama forced cracked his stimulus package through I was preparing for the worst (I still am, guns and gold, baby!). I remember a speech BOH made where he stated that if his package didn't pass unemployment would go to 10%. Well, were pretty much there and were in the hole trillions of dollars for it. Where's the media? Like BOH, still blaming Bush, an excuse that will run out eventually (I won't hold my breath on that one). The media really pisses me off. Just watch CNN or MSNBC for an hour and you can see they are clearly in the tank for BOH. Remember Katie Couric and her interview with Joe Biden? I was banging my head it was bleeding with all the softball questions and lack of historical knowledge between both of these morons.



Ugh. Granted Sarah Palin is a moron who was not hard to root out for Katie Couric but it was blatantly obvious Katie was in the bag for Obama. It's just sickening. I just want fair reporting, is that so much to ask? Well, at least Katie Couric's ratings are at an all time low.

I Hate Getting Old, So Will You....

For those of you my age (and a little older) you understand what I mean by that. When your in your teens you feel indestructable and an age like 34 feels eons and eons away. To borrow from Neil Peart (I promise not to run for Vice President! ZING!)"Your only immortal, for a limited time." Nothing could be more truthful than that statement, or lyric, or whatever. Here are the things that I really hate about getting old.

-Going Out For A Couple Of Beers With Friends Seems Like More Of A Chore-

My wife asked if I wanted to go out to bw3's with a couple of her friends to watch a game. My response? "You mean I have to put on pants? Talk to people? Spend $30 on beer and wings when I have 24 perfectley good beers in the fridge right now? Ugghh, I guess." I literally took a crow bar to get me off the couch and into the car. It wasn't a bad night really I just really like being home with my tv and my beer.

-Never Trust A Fart-

No explanation needed.

-Everything Sucks-

I have no idea if it's because I'm getting old or movies and music are getting worse in quality. Every movie looks really stupid to me and 9 times 10, they are. Even the "independent" movies are getting worse. Unless your a die hard lib/socialist/whatever, most if not all independent movies really don't apply to me. I mean good god, a biopic on Che Guavera (probably spelled wrong)? I mean, the same dinks who watch this think that Bush should be brought up on war crimes for killing thousands of innocent people. Do I need to point out the irony in that? I still want my $5 back for renting Mystic River. I mean, there are a few exceptions like No Country For Old Men or even the recent Star Trek release but really movies really kinda blow nowadays. Then there's music. Granted I really shouldn't be talking since I was once dancing to "We Built This City" back in 5th grade but at least I knew it sucked back then. And I also had an appreciation of jazz and classical. Kids nowadays think Bach is a type of beer, hell I don't even think they know that.

-I'm Getting Smarter And Dumber At The Same Time-

I am reading a hell of a lot more than I did in my 20's, and it isn't just about football, porno and books about war (Vice President! Borrowed! Run! I did it again! The joke! Never! Gets! Old!), I actually do read books. I also read articles besides sports and comics in the paper, strange I know. Politics means more to me, something I swore I would never do but I do. Then there are the issues, I actually do read both sides of the story first before making my opinion, something I would not have thought of doing 10 years ago. Fox, CNN, MSNBC (Obama news network) and other networks/websites I read on a daily basis.

But I'm getting dumber. The other day my wife bought a blender so I could partake in fruit smoothies which I found out recently I really like, and since they are nutritious it's good for my fat bod. Well I could not figure out how to put the stupid thing together. I kept trying to jam the same piece over and over again into the cylinder. My wife comes along and puts it together in two seconds. Then after making a smoothie I unscrew the glass container, which has no bottom, now I find myself covered in smoothie goodness. I just stood there with a dumb look on my face. Just dumb as hell.

-My Body Is Breaking Down-

I started working out when I was in my early 20's and have been doing it consistently since. But still age has a way of saying screw you not matter how well you take care of it. I have aches and pains in places I never thought I could have aches and pains. When getting up from the couch I snap, crackle and pop more than my grandma. Thankfully I don't leave a pee stain on the couch like she did.

- People Born After 1990 Baffle You -

They are talking and walking and going to college. In 1990 I was in high school, and they were just wee ones shitting their diapers and giving their mommas chaffed nipples. What the hell happened?

- You Have No Idea What The Kids Are Talking About -

If you've ever heard people in their teens and 20's talk to each other about the new fad, new programs and celebrities it becomes apparent that you have no idea what in the h-e-double hockey sticks they are talking about. It's like their speaking a different language, like hip hop artists.

- You Get Sentimental A Little More Often -

I started crying at the end of Shawshank Redemption the other day. How gay is that?

- More Music Musings -

You're going down the highway jamming to a tune, thinking "damn, what a rocking fucking tune." Then the DJ comes in welcoming you to the oldies station. You feel yourself shitting your pants a little.

- Your Childhood Heroes Look REALLY Old -

Have you seen Harrison Ford lately? Do you know how old he is? 66. That's right, 66 years old. Indiana Jones, Han Solo and the crazy dude from Frantic is 66 fucking years old. I'm not going to bring up Rush, it's too painful.

- You Get Really Tired Really Easy -

Naps, they are great, or were for me. Since I got a night job I don't take them anymore. But before I started I took a nap at least 3 times a week. I never took one before before my 20's.

- You Fall Asleep At Wei.....

Lemme Take A Crack - Beer Cans Movie Questions

I thought I would drop my unwanted $0.02 into Beer Cans Movie inquiry.

What is the first film you ever saw?

According to my parents Star Wars. I was a wee two year old sitting on my dad's lap and according to them I was mesmerized the entire film, which explains a lot about me today. But the first movie I remember going to was The Black Stallion. There is even a picture of my sitting on top of a black horse outside the movie theater before the film. I'm sure the poor horse made an unwanted trip to the glue factory afterwards.

What is your favorite movie of all time?

Empire Strikes Back. It has everything; romance, bromance, spaceships, action, comedy, drama, fantasy and the best plot twist EVAR. Just too damn good. Some crap movie, Ordinary People, won the best picture that year. Biggest piece of crap movie I've ever seen. Crap.

What is your favorite line in a film?

"I thought they smelled bad...on the outside!"

What film made you realize that film was an art?

Chariots of Fire. Really showing my age here. But this was the first film that while it was over my head when I was 7 years old, I still enjoyed the music (Vangelis, baby!) and the direction. I thought it was a beautiful piece of cinema.

(Tie) Never Cry Wolf. Can't get out of the 80's. This was a GREAT film, underrated in my own notsohumble opinion. Contrary to popular belief I'm a huge fan of the environment (I just hate enviro zealots, especially the ones from suburbia and Hollywood) and this film showcases how beautiful yet unbelievably harsh/deadly/unforgiving the environment can be and shows how human can screw up such a tranquil place.

What movie do you consider your guilty pleasure?

I would say Roadhouse but I don't feel guilty about liking it, so Flash Gordon it is. Pretty awful movie when you think about it but I still love watching it even to this day.

Who is your favorite movie character of all time?

Tyler Durden - Fight Club. There are days I wish I had the chutzpah of a Tyler Durden, do things just to break out of my suburban existence (without harming others, of course). I would love to pee in Al Gore's soup and topple the Apple corporation. Hey, I love my ipod and macbook but seriously, they are the devil.

What is your favorite movie snack food.

Popcorn, derr. Of course it would be beer if it were sold at a conventional movie theater, but some a-hole decided to shut down Hollywood Bar and Filmworks.

Who is your favorite director of all time?

Dude, tough question. (Keith Olbermann sigh) I would have to say David Fincher (Fight Club, Se7en, Curious Case Of Not Giving A Shit) because the guy has a way of making movies with crappy scripts work (see Alien 3 and Panic Room). That and I like his style. I have yet to see Curious Case just because I really don't like Brad Pitt anymore. Then I would have to say Martin Scorsese. The guy can flat out direct. Goodfellas, Casino, Raging Bull and my personal favorite Kundun. Top notch solid films, he has a great way of transporting you to the era he's filming. Then there are the Cohen Brothers...fuck it, they are my favorite of all time. I forget which one directs but he is tits.

Who is the most impressive filmmaker working today?

Another tough question because I rarely watch new movies anymore, and the "independent" movies are all crap, unless you like lib/socialist themes mixed with anti Catholicism/Christianity/Conservative views mixed in with pro environmentalism. But I would have to say the dude who directed Hellboy and Pan's Labyrinth. Del Toro? Too lazy to look up how to spell his name. Then Edgar Wright, the dude behind Shawn of the Dead and Hot Fuzz. Awesome, hilarious movies.

What quality do the best directors share?

Actors are complete numb skulls and childish so whoever can wrangle their egos in while making a decent movie is a top notch director in my mind.

Who is your favorite actor/actress of all time?

Alex Guinness. Hands down. Others? Harrison Ford (pre 1990), Gary Oldman, Tim Roth, Liam Neeson, Helena Carter, Ewan McGregor, Ruth Gordon, Maggie Smith. There are other but I can't think of them.

Who would you cast in a film about your life?

A shorter overweight version of Eric Stoltz.

If I could remake one movie...

All the Star Wars prequels. Seriously George...

I never wanna watch a movie with...

Anybody who regularly darkens the Godfather's movie theater doors.

The perfect movie is...

According to me it has to be from the 80's.

Movie Review Of A Movie I Actually Saw - Star Trek

Star Trek.......was pretty bitchin'.

Rejected Facebook Updates

Facebook was something I held off to sign up with for a long time. I thought it was kind of dorky and just wanted to not do it. But when you have relatives out of state and they keep clammering for pics of your little piles of poo then this is more convienient then uploading pics to your Yahoo email. Anyways, one of the many things on Facebook is to update what your doing at that very minute which is something I don't do, unless I'm drunk or something, which really doesn't happen too often nowadays. These were some of the rejected updates that I decided was better to keep clandestine.

Josh is....

Pooping, man this is great.
Crying like a little girl on the toilet realizing that I'm not going to be a rich, or famous, or really anything.
Masturbating to some gay porn, I mean, GREAT porn. Yeah, that's it.
Wondering where my infant is...have any of you guys seen him?
Wondering what it would feel like to bang Christy Canyon.
So drunk that he canttt typh anywmowrfeeee hey honey, gonnnnnaa throw.....
Hitting on some chick here at a bar, oh, that's right, I'm married.
Just farted and blamed it on the baby.
You ever eat the stuff out of your ear. Well, take it from me, don't do that.
Should probably tell his wife that he lost our life savings on an emu farm.
Scrathing my nuts, man this is great.

This is probably a post I shouldn't have done. Oh well.

Pretty Much...

Reliving A Classic - R.E.M - Eponymous

About this time of year a couple of things break out of my arsenal of movies and music for spring. One is Major League, you know, just in time for baseball which my wife watches at the beginning of spring training but I hold out until the start of the season and a little gem from R.E.M, Eponymous. Before I begin to break this nugget down.....

My Thoughts Of R.E.M Now

Ever since Green I've pretty much stopped listening to them. While Automatic For The People had a couple of decent songs it was nowhere (is nowhere one word?) near the creamy goodness of the old days. At least that's my own drunken opinion. And we all know what happens when you become popular and people are kissing your ass non-stop, loss of objectivity and reality AND sanity. Ask Sean Penn, Keith Olbermann, Rush Limbaugh. Total disconnect with normal society. Anyways to a certain degree this what happened to R.E.M. and their music started suffering as a result. Once bands start doing the ol' I want to inform people of important issues I start tuning out. I long for the days of Led Zeppelin, total cock rock with nothing on their minds except drinking and blowing people out of the stadiums, in a non-sexual way. Once Michael Stipe started wearing shirts reading "Wear A Condom" I pretty much left them behind and started listening to Rush. Oh wait, I was doing that anyways. But I still love their old stuff, they WERE college radio. They were the best mix of pop and punk, they were the beginning of alternative. And Eponymous was the best example of this time.

Eponymous

I first got hold of this album in mid 1989. I was a shitty baseball player on my J.V. baseball team in Mathews in the middle of nowhere Virginia. BEAUTIFUL country but it was really in the middle of nowhere. I had one neighbor a mile away. The town of Mathews was 15 miles away. My bro lent me album when he came home from the Merchant Marine Academy in Long Island, NY. He was pretty much my connection to the music world beyond popular radio. When he came home in the spring of '89 he lent me this little gem. I used to listen to this album on bus trips when we traveled to games (we always had to travel at least an two hours both ways to any game.) I would listen to this and to Signals (Rush, duh.) and I loved them both. The best thing about R.E.M. was the fact that they were a little band from the country, I was from the country, they were intellectuals, I thought I was an intellectual, I had a great connection with this band, and this album was my little intellectual fuck you to the rest of the "hicks" at school. I read Ray Bradbury, I played Vivaldi, I was smart dammit. Anyways, this album is still my favorite and I still play this thing this time every year when spring comes callin' again.

Now, I didn't realize until a little later that this album was pretty much a best of (again, I thought I as an intellectual.). R.E.M. being the different blokes that they are didn't name it "best of...so far" so I was thinking this as a regular album. I just thought Peter Buck was nuts or drunk, or both.

1) Radio Free Europe - My favorite song of the album, remixed version from my second favorite album Murmur.
2) Gardening At Night - About taking a leak in the forest. "Gardening...at night". Get it? Again, when you live in the country you pee any goddamn where you please.
3) Talk About The Passion - About hunger. A great tune, very soulful and moving.
4) So. Central Rain - Another emotional song and moving song.
5) (Don't Go Back To) Rockville - While the meaning of this song is totally different from my interpretation, it was was a great little tune. To me it meant don't go back to your little town, which to me was Mathews. At the time I hated Mathews and wanted to escape. Since living in the "city" I actually want to go back there. Hey, sometimes I hate people.
6) Cant Get There From Here - No apostrophe in the title, weirdos.
7) Driver 8 - Now this was the shit. I love this song. This seriously reminded me of country living, especially when I saw the video. Refers to the Southern Crescent. It runs through West Virginia. If it's anything like me, it never stops in West Virginia.
8) Romance - A quirky little song that was the closest thing to a toe tapper in the group.
9) Fall On Me - The video of this song always sticks out to me. The funny thing about R.E.M. When they were young, they never showed themselves much in their videos, now that they are old, fat and/or ugly, they do nothing but show themselves.
10) The One I Love - A great tune, one that I thought the backing vocals were top notch.
11) Finest Worksong - Another remix that I thought was better than the original.
12) It's The End Of The World As We Know It (and I Feel Fine) - At one point in my life I actually knew the entire lyrics to this song, which prompted my dad to say, "you know the words to this song but you can't remember any mathematical equation you just studied!" Yep, I thought I was an intellectual.

I got ahold of Murmur a little later which I thought was the bomb, but it was nowhere near the album this was. Through and through a great album, not one song that sucks.

Michael Stipe - Vocals - not a pretty boy by any means. Not exactly a great vocalist but it works for this band.
Peter Buck - Guitars - Not flashy but decent.
Mike Mills - Solid Bass, very good backing vocals.
Bill Berry - Drums - Left the band in 1997, not exactly Neil Peart but he was was able enough.

The Shittiest Rock Bands Of All Time

There are bands where you start thinking that god truly does not exist for letting these knobs roam the face of the Earth distributing their crappy music and horrific talent. Now, these are bands that I find 1) untalented and 2) write shittiest songs ever made. I mean SHITTY songs. The type of songs that you would risk a head on collision with a semi to hurriedly turn the station. This is why I love my ipod. Suck it you anti corporate snobs. Anyways here they are.

10) Nickelback - Not only do they suck but the lead singer hates his fans. Their songs sound like frozen bile in a sock beating a cat. It's awful, how these guys don't trip over vomit on the way out of their show is beyond me because I would throw up, convulse and then die in a pool of my own crap and piss if I were forced to see them.

9) Maroon 5 - Ugh, their damn music gives me cavities. Absolutely no talent, you can actually hear the drummer thinking before hitting the snare.

8) Rolling Stones - Go ahead and flame me bitches because seriously, they have no talent. I know that Charlie Watts plays decent jazz but he plays the same goddamn rhythm on each farking song. It looks like a retarded monkey trying to figure out how to jerk off. Bassists? There's a bassist? They need two guitarists to do the work of one and Mick Jagger couldn't hit a fucking note if a note was a fat fish in a small bucket and he's standing over it with an anti-fish bazooka. "hey Mick give me a C." OOOH. "No, a fucking C!" OOOOOOOHH! "God you suck." Yes, I know, Paint it Black is a great tune as is Gimme Shelter but having to sit through the rest of their repretoire gives me gas.

7) Hootie and the Blowfish - I know they are a great bunch of guys and it would be a hoot to sit through Bible study with them but Lord help me they are awful. Hold My Hand makes me feel like I'm in a middle of a Christian Rock band concert looking up and crying while touching pee pees with other converts in the building. This is why I really think Hootie blows.

6) Fall Out Boy - Alright, I give them credit, they did name their band from a Simpson character but fcuk me! Talentless and writing their songs consists of talking about their feelings while bitching about how their mascara smudges when they cry. They have to be ovulating right now as we speak.

5) Creed - If these guys were overweight assholes from Wisconsin they would be laughed off the stage. Scott Stapp has to take off his shirt in order to take the attention away from his crap songs. Their lyrics sounds like it was written by Sam from I Am Sam after suffering a debilitating, crushing head blow.

4) Bruce Springsteen - Sorry, him and his menopausal backing band from the 1870's are completely talentless. After watching his Super Bowl performance I have a hard time trying to figure out why baby boomers pony up multiple minivan payments in order to see him. He said that he's for the working class. Really? Then why does it cost $800 for an upper row balcony seat to see your shitty music. Seriously, after listening to Dancing In The Dark tell me that he actually has talent.

4) Don McLean - American Pie. I hate you. I fucking fucking fucking hate you you fucking waste of space. Getting ball smashing drunk still doesn't get the song out of my head. That shitty song is already stuck in my head by writing these words. These words right here. And here. And a little here. ......and here.

3) Green Day - Your best song is about jacking off. Really original gays, I mean, guys. I think the name of their next album is "Search for the Fourth Cord." I misspelled it on purpose because they are a bunch of really dumb fucks that only thing they know how to do is look good in front of the camera and selling out so much that even Moby has to speak up and say something.

2) Hole - My god, the only reason, and I mean the ONLY reason Courtney Love got this abortion off the ground is because Kurt Cobain couldn't take her music anymore and took the easy way out. I would eat a shotgun too if I had to listen any Hole songs. Hole? Oh, I get it, it has something to do with your vagina. Clever, get together with Green Day and write a completely shitty song that would instantly kill a human. I would rather listen to rap music made after 2000 then listen to this crap. Trust me, that's saying a lot.

1) Bush - Christ, where do I begin? From the shitty songs, song titles and lyrics to the awful fucking videos these guys just know how to make me wish my tinnitus was worse than it is. Their songs sound like emus being raped very slowly. I never jump at a radio station faster than I do when a Bush song comes on. Bush? Wow, really original. I'm sure it wasn't named after the presidents. I take it your girlfriends don't shave. The lead singer is the most talentless hack that ever crapped on a track. I actually thought their song Glysterine was called Listerine.

Dishonorable mentions: Motley Crue, Poison, pretty much every 80's hair band, White Stripes (probably should have been on this list), Coldplay, Goo Goo Dolls, U2 (after 1997), Phil Collins, Oasis, Lifehouse.