Sunday, December 12, 2010

Thanks To The Makers of Tron:Legacy, You've Ruined My Childhood

The movie isn't even out yet I think Tron: Legacy sucks complete donkey balls. And the makers, whoever the hell they are have completely ruined what's left of my childhood (George Lucas, The Police and the rest of The Who being the others). Why am I being such a cranky pants about this? Well, because 1) it's obvious that Hollywood has completely run out of ideas and 2) Tron was the last movie I truly treasured and a imperfect masterpiece (yes, I know that this is a contradiction). Anyways if you've seen the trailer, sorry, but I just know this movie is going to be horrific. Worse than Brokeback Mountain, worse than Haiti, worse than the floods in India (where in the hell were the celebs for that?) Am I going too far with that analogy? Probably, but fuck it, no one reads this shitty blog anyways. Anyways here are the reasons this movie will be worse than Obamacare. Alright that was too far, nothing is worse than that. Anyways...

1) The George Lucas Principle

Basically the makers are cashing in on my generation nostalgia just like Lucas did with his reprehensible episodes I - III. And since they are doing this the makers know that they can trudge any sort of shitty writing out there as long as everything looks really fucking cool. And if all goes well (marketing) numbnuts with worn out Ghostbusters shirts and mortgages will belly up to the window and fork over 100 bones to see it. See, when I first saw Episode I - III I basically told myself it was good because Star Wars was my favorite thing in the whole world and I couldn't believe George Lucas would put out such sub-standard work just in the name of profit. Well he did, and once I actually hit my adulthood (age 35), I realized that episodes I-III were really, really awful. Now, I'm not going to be fooled again, no way fucko!

2) It's Really Shiny

The original Tron was truly a labor of love. The fucking thing was really hard to make. Seriously, look it up. It took 5 years for the damn thing to be made because this was basically the first true CGI movie. And it was almost all done by hand and without the aid of huge computers with shit-ton of memory and graphics. It was done by rotoscoping and really....big computers. Well with 1/10000 of the processors we have today. Plus the writers of the movie had the script first, then worked on the really cool graphics. Now all the attention will be towards the graphics and when all that is done they might spend a little time on the script. Just like every big market Hollywood movies today it's going to be all bark and no bite.

3) Daft Punk is doing the Soundtrack.

No explanation needed.

4) Everyone's a Sellout

It's true, there is truly no Indy movie or movie star today, and if there is they're surely almost dead of a heroin overdose by now. Money truly speaks, just ask Leonardo "private jet, stop global warming" DiCaprio, Michael "$4500 a day for a spa, capitalism sucks unless it applies to me" Moore. And especially ask Sean "I love murderous dictators and making shitty lib movies" Penn. And now ask Jeff "the dude" Bridges. Seriously Jeff, you look ridiculous, please stop. I want to watch True Grit if only to watch you shoot Matt Damon and skull-fuck him.

5) It's Been Waaaaaaay Too long Between Movies

Seriously, 18 years. They called in Cindy Morgan and subsequently wrote her out of the script. They called in David Warner and they dragged in a corpse that looked similar to David Warner. They had to CGI the fuck out of Jeff Bridges to make him look presentable. Plus, it's already firmly entrenched in my brain that Tron (the original) is one of the best nerd movies of all time, It's part of my childhood experience, the good one this time, there is absolutely no way you can make the sequel better than the original. Ask the makers of Alvin and the Chipmunk movies, the Squeakwul was a complete shitstorm compared to the awesome original.

6) Cliches

In the trailer the dialogue is horribly cliched. And I believe I heard someone yelling "WOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" when driving the tank. Fuck that. This will suck. There will be suckdom.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

In A Word...Rush

Our boys from that place up north just released, literaly, just released a new single(s) from their upcoming album Clockwork Angels on iTunes. Thank Christ. I'm dying for some new music, and since I don't have enough time at all to research new bands, old reliables like Rush will have to do. Actually I'm way to busy to even know what the hell is going on in the world. I'm sure our resident socialist has been doing that just fine. Anyways I downloaded both tracks without even even a preview, because on memorial day when the world salutes the heroeos from the past, except for our resident socialist, I know Rush is just like a fellow soldier in a fox hole, they have my back. And I have to say, yes, they do. Great songs, here's a breakdown.

Caravan - Awesome.

BUB2 - Just as awesome.

That's all you need to know.

Oh yeah, apparently Clockwork Angles will be a concept album just like the Bible (2112). Can't fucking wait until 2011. And I can't wait until 2012 for a different reason. Just ask the resident socialist why I can't wait for that.

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I love Rush!!!!!!!!!!! Probably will Facebook it. I'm sure our resident socialist has something snotty and elitist to say about Facebook also. Whatever, WOOOOOOOOOO! USA! USA! USA! USA!

Monday, December 28, 2009

Top Ten Movies of the Aughts

Here we go. Again this is my list. F-off off if you don't like 'em. I'm trying to cut down on cussing for my new years resolution.

10) Hot Fuzz

9) Aqua Teen Hunger Force Movie

8) Snatch

7) Beerfest

6) No Country For Old Men

5) Sin City

4) Touching the Void

3) Layer Cake

2) 24 Hour Party People

1) Shaun of the Dead

There you go. No liberal b/s message. No self important pretentious b/s. No stupid Vice President jokes. No environmental beat-you-in-the-brain-you-should-be-mindful-of-mother-earth-while-flying-around-in-a-private-jet-and-making-movies-that-leave-carbon-footprints-larger-than-10million suv's-bullcrap. Just straight up beer-me entertainment.

Ahh, much better.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

The Best Albums Of The Aughts

Goodbye aughts, hello roaring teens. Or depression teens, depending on who you talk to. Well, had a good decade, got engaged, then broke it off, became a funeral director, sold caskets, got burned out, then laid off. Had a couple of very awkward relationships with the opposite sex. Told a girl that kissing her made me throw up. Got drunk a lot, then sobered up, then got drunk a lot again, then sobered up again. Lost a lot of weight, met my current wife on the internets, got engaged again, got married, gained all the weight back. Saw Europe, bought a shitty house where two swift kicks to the wall will take you outside the house, had a kid. Got bone crippling depression from a job I despised, went back to school, got another degree, found a great job. Had another kid, then another, hopefully not another anytime soon (we're running out of names). So there you go, my decade in a nutshell.

But the thing I'll remember most about the decade is the albums, those awesome albums that got me through decade of "shock and awe" and "hopey, changey." Now, this is my list, alright? So make your own and post it and leave me alone. I know they suck, I have shitty taste in music.

10) Bouncing Souls - How I Spent My Summer Vacation (2001) - Now, this album is pretty much your standard poppy punk album, but what stands out are all the memories of that awesome year of 2001 that are associated with it. Seriously, it was a good year.

9) Dethklok - The Dethalbum (2008) - They aren't really technically a band but damn is it good. Melodic death metal. Lost Vikings is about a group of Vikings riding to battle then become lost, then are too stubborn to stop and ask directions. Funny and rocking.

8) Face to Face - How To Ruin Everything (2002) - The last album from one of my favorite bands.

7) Massive Attack - 100th Window (2003, I think) - Very haunting, melodic piece of electronica.

6) Minus The Bear - Menos el Oso (2005) - Yes, it's just Minus the Bear in mexican, or some sort of spanish. One of the few new bands that surprised me and made a great album.

5) Radio 4 - The New Song And Dance (2000) - The first album I ever bought on the internets. Sounds a lot like The Clash, yes I know, but it's still damn good.

4) The Suicide Machines - The Suicide Machines (2000) - The happily go lucky young men turned angry young men. Getting swept up in a "revolution" will do that I guess. But hey, I actually played one of their songs at my wedding.

3) Them Crooked Vultures - Them Crooked Vultures (2009) - Yes, I like this album that much.

2) The Underworld - A Hundred Days Off (2002) - An album that I have not really put down since I bought. Great combo of electronica and hypnotic melodies. Or whatever.

1 b) Queens of the Stone Age - Songs For The Deaf (2002) - Awesome, great, spectacular, another superlative! Josh Homme caught something special and unleashed it on us.

1a) Rush - Vapor Trails (2002) - Seriously, great album. When I first heard One Little Victory on the internets I got a chubby. Seriously, I did. But it's basically Neil Peart bearing his tormented soul to the nerds, and we all listened, and bought the shirt.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Them Crooked Vultures

I'm back! Who cares? Anyways I had to comment on this album which is the first complete album I ever downloaded from itunes. Fucking Steve Jobs, when the going gets tough, the tough raise their prices. $1.29 per fucking tune, thanks a pantload Chet, you must be a Republican, oh wait, your not! Anyways the reason why I downloaded the entire album other than it made more sense economy wise was the fact that it was a really good album. The first since Thievery Corporations' Radio Retaliation that I though was great. Let's run down Them Crooked Vultures lineup.

Josh Homme - Guitars, Vocals, Major Drug User, Damn good guitarist.

Dave Grohl - Drums, Bad-ass beard wearer, all around good guy.

John Paul Jones - Bass, Keys, the bad ass mother fucker from Led Zeppelin. It's THAT John Paul Jones. All 63 years old of him.

How about that lineup?! When I read that they were making an album I almost fainted, in joy. That makes no sense. Whatever, I was anticipating a good album. And I wasn't disappointed. Now, let's be honest. Does it break any new ground? No. Is it a perfect album? No. But it is a album full of hard rock and good tunes? Yes by god, yes. No, it's isn't jock rock, and it isn't like any of the wussy crap out now. I can sum it up it one sentence. Queen of the Stone Age meets Led Zeppelin meets Dave Grohl's drumming. There you go. Anything disappointing about it? Well, Dave Grohl didn't necessarily tear up the joint but was competent like Don Brewer (Simpson joke) and John Paul Jones' bass was good , but wasn't what I was expecting. But not bad at all.

The High Points

Bandoliers - The first song that really jumped out at me. The best on the album
Caligulove - Good title.
Elephants - 2nd best song, nothing to do with Gus Van Sant's (sp) movie. So it isn't gay.
Gunman - Has a nice little, freaky bass-line and haunting chorus.
Mind Eraser, No Chaser - Sounds like a Zep tune, they offered it as a free single two weeks before the albums release. Nice guys.
New Fang - Great tune, the 3rd best.
Reptiles - Someone call Robert Plant and Jimmy Page, their shit just got hijacked. Still a great tune. 4th best.
Scumbag Blues - Meh, still good though. Feels more like a Cream tune, so the Godfather will enjoy it.
No One Loves Me & Neither Do I - Alright enough, not exactly how to start off an album. Enough with the double entandres.
Interlude With Ludes - Get it? Takes a couple of listens to really appreciate it.

The Low Points

Warsaw Or The First Breath You Give Up
Spinning in Daffodils

These two songs were basically the rest of the band giving the keys of the car to Josh Homme and not giving him a curfew. Not awful, but not great. Meh.

Still, only two throw away tracks. Not bad.

The Best thing about this album was the fact that Dave Grohl and John Paul Jones didn't let Josh Homme take control and let the songs completely get trippy and LOOOOONNNNNGGGGG. Ever since his bassist from Queens of the Stone Age was kicked out (Nick Oliveri from The Dwarves fame) his songs have a tendency to either get away from him a little, or get really poppy. But these guys really ground him. Also, the guitar work is great, the solos are great, the tangents are great. This is a great album. It is a complete album, I seriously recommend this. I mean c'mon, I know, I hate Foo Fighters but Dave Grohl is a great drummer (see QOTSA, Killing Joke and Probot) and he really adds to this album. Thankfully he doesn't try to imitate John Bonham and really does a great job and it's John Paul FUCKING Jones. That's reason enough to buy this thing. Alright, I'm done. I'm back bitches!!!!!!