Monday, December 28, 2009

Top Ten Movies of the Aughts

Here we go. Again this is my list. F-off off if you don't like 'em. I'm trying to cut down on cussing for my new years resolution.

10) Hot Fuzz

9) Aqua Teen Hunger Force Movie

8) Snatch

7) Beerfest

6) No Country For Old Men

5) Sin City

4) Touching the Void

3) Layer Cake

2) 24 Hour Party People

1) Shaun of the Dead

There you go. No liberal b/s message. No self important pretentious b/s. No stupid Vice President jokes. No environmental beat-you-in-the-brain-you-should-be-mindful-of-mother-earth-while-flying-around-in-a-private-jet-and-making-movies-that-leave-carbon-footprints-larger-than-10million suv's-bullcrap. Just straight up beer-me entertainment.

Ahh, much better.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

The Best Albums Of The Aughts

Goodbye aughts, hello roaring teens. Or depression teens, depending on who you talk to. Well, had a good decade, got engaged, then broke it off, became a funeral director, sold caskets, got burned out, then laid off. Had a couple of very awkward relationships with the opposite sex. Told a girl that kissing her made me throw up. Got drunk a lot, then sobered up, then got drunk a lot again, then sobered up again. Lost a lot of weight, met my current wife on the internets, got engaged again, got married, gained all the weight back. Saw Europe, bought a shitty house where two swift kicks to the wall will take you outside the house, had a kid. Got bone crippling depression from a job I despised, went back to school, got another degree, found a great job. Had another kid, then another, hopefully not another anytime soon (we're running out of names). So there you go, my decade in a nutshell.

But the thing I'll remember most about the decade is the albums, those awesome albums that got me through decade of "shock and awe" and "hopey, changey." Now, this is my list, alright? So make your own and post it and leave me alone. I know they suck, I have shitty taste in music.

10) Bouncing Souls - How I Spent My Summer Vacation (2001) - Now, this album is pretty much your standard poppy punk album, but what stands out are all the memories of that awesome year of 2001 that are associated with it. Seriously, it was a good year.

9) Dethklok - The Dethalbum (2008) - They aren't really technically a band but damn is it good. Melodic death metal. Lost Vikings is about a group of Vikings riding to battle then become lost, then are too stubborn to stop and ask directions. Funny and rocking.

8) Face to Face - How To Ruin Everything (2002) - The last album from one of my favorite bands.

7) Massive Attack - 100th Window (2003, I think) - Very haunting, melodic piece of electronica.

6) Minus The Bear - Menos el Oso (2005) - Yes, it's just Minus the Bear in mexican, or some sort of spanish. One of the few new bands that surprised me and made a great album.

5) Radio 4 - The New Song And Dance (2000) - The first album I ever bought on the internets. Sounds a lot like The Clash, yes I know, but it's still damn good.

4) The Suicide Machines - The Suicide Machines (2000) - The happily go lucky young men turned angry young men. Getting swept up in a "revolution" will do that I guess. But hey, I actually played one of their songs at my wedding.

3) Them Crooked Vultures - Them Crooked Vultures (2009) - Yes, I like this album that much.

2) The Underworld - A Hundred Days Off (2002) - An album that I have not really put down since I bought. Great combo of electronica and hypnotic melodies. Or whatever.

1 b) Queens of the Stone Age - Songs For The Deaf (2002) - Awesome, great, spectacular, another superlative! Josh Homme caught something special and unleashed it on us.

1a) Rush - Vapor Trails (2002) - Seriously, great album. When I first heard One Little Victory on the internets I got a chubby. Seriously, I did. But it's basically Neil Peart bearing his tormented soul to the nerds, and we all listened, and bought the shirt.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Them Crooked Vultures

I'm back! Who cares? Anyways I had to comment on this album which is the first complete album I ever downloaded from itunes. Fucking Steve Jobs, when the going gets tough, the tough raise their prices. $1.29 per fucking tune, thanks a pantload Chet, you must be a Republican, oh wait, your not! Anyways the reason why I downloaded the entire album other than it made more sense economy wise was the fact that it was a really good album. The first since Thievery Corporations' Radio Retaliation that I though was great. Let's run down Them Crooked Vultures lineup.

Josh Homme - Guitars, Vocals, Major Drug User, Damn good guitarist.

Dave Grohl - Drums, Bad-ass beard wearer, all around good guy.

John Paul Jones - Bass, Keys, the bad ass mother fucker from Led Zeppelin. It's THAT John Paul Jones. All 63 years old of him.

How about that lineup?! When I read that they were making an album I almost fainted, in joy. That makes no sense. Whatever, I was anticipating a good album. And I wasn't disappointed. Now, let's be honest. Does it break any new ground? No. Is it a perfect album? No. But it is a album full of hard rock and good tunes? Yes by god, yes. No, it's isn't jock rock, and it isn't like any of the wussy crap out now. I can sum it up it one sentence. Queen of the Stone Age meets Led Zeppelin meets Dave Grohl's drumming. There you go. Anything disappointing about it? Well, Dave Grohl didn't necessarily tear up the joint but was competent like Don Brewer (Simpson joke) and John Paul Jones' bass was good , but wasn't what I was expecting. But not bad at all.

The High Points

Bandoliers - The first song that really jumped out at me. The best on the album
Caligulove - Good title.
Elephants - 2nd best song, nothing to do with Gus Van Sant's (sp) movie. So it isn't gay.
Gunman - Has a nice little, freaky bass-line and haunting chorus.
Mind Eraser, No Chaser - Sounds like a Zep tune, they offered it as a free single two weeks before the albums release. Nice guys.
New Fang - Great tune, the 3rd best.
Reptiles - Someone call Robert Plant and Jimmy Page, their shit just got hijacked. Still a great tune. 4th best.
Scumbag Blues - Meh, still good though. Feels more like a Cream tune, so the Godfather will enjoy it.
No One Loves Me & Neither Do I - Alright enough, not exactly how to start off an album. Enough with the double entandres.
Interlude With Ludes - Get it? Takes a couple of listens to really appreciate it.

The Low Points

Warsaw Or The First Breath You Give Up
Spinning in Daffodils

These two songs were basically the rest of the band giving the keys of the car to Josh Homme and not giving him a curfew. Not awful, but not great. Meh.

Still, only two throw away tracks. Not bad.

The Best thing about this album was the fact that Dave Grohl and John Paul Jones didn't let Josh Homme take control and let the songs completely get trippy and LOOOOONNNNNGGGGG. Ever since his bassist from Queens of the Stone Age was kicked out (Nick Oliveri from The Dwarves fame) his songs have a tendency to either get away from him a little, or get really poppy. But these guys really ground him. Also, the guitar work is great, the solos are great, the tangents are great. This is a great album. It is a complete album, I seriously recommend this. I mean c'mon, I know, I hate Foo Fighters but Dave Grohl is a great drummer (see QOTSA, Killing Joke and Probot) and he really adds to this album. Thankfully he doesn't try to imitate John Bonham and really does a great job and it's John Paul FUCKING Jones. That's reason enough to buy this thing. Alright, I'm done. I'm back bitches!!!!!!

Friday, September 25, 2009

Ok, Maybe Not Permanent

Well, I'll retract my last post a little, I'll be doing a lot more over at The Big Beer Blog because it takes a lot less time to write reviews of beers, bars and such because that's right in my wheelhouse, plus, I like writing about beer a lot more than I do on pop culture and political rants. But I'll make my Ali-like comeback down the road for all two of you that read this crappy little blog. Kisses!

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Songs Over 10 Minutes That Actually Keep My Attention

I grew up on Atari, junk food, Star Wars and Men At Work, so, as an adult it's pretty amazing if anything keeps my attention for longer than 4 minutes. My job is perfect for me because I have to continuously shuffle between rooms to make sure no one is dying and if someone is dying, trust me, your attention span grows. But I thought I would venture away from politics (I noticed that John-O has nixed me from the Blog-O-Sphere, c'est la vie) and list some songs that last a long goddamn time that I can listen to over and over again.

10) Castilian Drums (14:22) - Dave Brubeck - I don't mention jazz much because I only listen to it when I'm either drunk, depressed, trying to impress a chick or all three. But this song by the piano master Dave Brubeck is essentially a drum solo by Tom Morello. And man, it is great. I almost rank this higher than any Neil Peart drum solos only because this bastard took place in '64, when bitchin' drum solos were rare (except for maybe Count Basie's "Tan Your Hide") but I checked myself, lest I wrecked myself. Or what the fuck ever.

9) Scared (10:41) - Dream Theater - You knew they were going to show up on this list at some point. While there were other songs in consideration I have always enjoyed this bastard.

8) In-da-gatta-da-vida (17 goddamn minutes long)- Iron Butterfly - I always choose this at the jukebox because it's more bang for your buck, plus it's fun to watch people go insane (especially young uns) who don't know the song and don't realize that it last for fucking ever. Of course, there's a drum solo. First heard this in 10th grade and thought it was bitchin'.

7) Karn Evil 9 (29:41) - Emerson, Lake and Palmer - This isn't music, it's endurance. While it's packaged as separate songs it's meant as one long rock opera. It was so long they had to bust it up on two different sides.

6) Domino (10:45) - Genesis - Kinda dorky now but It's still one of my favorites, when Phil Collins had talent and hair.

5) Autumn Leaves (10:59) - Miles Davis - Again with the jazz, but Miles Davis (may he rest in peace) wrote some of the best tunes tunes of all time. He may have hated whitey but man did he love making kick ass jazz tunes. This one is one of my faves to relax and smoke a stogie to. Even though it's been a long time since I've done that. There were other tunes to consider that lasted over 10 minutes (My Funny Valentine, All Blues) but this one I like just a smidgen over the others.

4) Trainspotting (10:35) - Primal Scream - As the title indicates it's from Trainspotting soundtrack. While sober it's not much but drunk (and...ahem...high) it's pretty fun to listen to.

3) The Camera Eye (10:59) - Rush - Let's get this one out of the way.

2) Dark & Long (Dark Train) (10:53) - Underworld - Also used in Trainspotting (the dead baby falling from ceiling/coming down from heroine sequence) but this always reminds me of Ireland when I visited, but the trip lasted forever and I needed long songs for my then limited spaced Mp3 player.

1) Take a Pebble (12:49) - Emerson, Lake and Palmer - Almost cheating because in the middle of this song is a long hoedown but man, I do love the piano.

Monday, July 6, 2009

When Liberals Attack Liberals

You know there's something seriously wrong when one the beacons of liberal media starts accusing the most liberal president of trying to control the media. More about that here. Seriously, not even Nixon? Jeez. And I'm shocked as hell the Obama..err Huffington post would be involved. Well, at least Helen calls it how she sees it no matter what political party is involved.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Good Joke

I know people have already heard this by now but I think it's hi-larious.

Q: How many women have Michael Jackson screwed?

A: Just one, Farrah Fawcett.

Too soon? Who give a shit? I'm more bummed that Billy Mays died.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Rest In Peace Joan Jackson

Who knew he was unbalanced? I wish there was some sort of sign. Oh well, that's one way to get out of multiple lawsuits and child molestation charges.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Dane Cook's Guide To Sucksess

On one of my trips to the 'ol pooping hole at work I discovered a 2006 issue of Men's Health magazine. On the cover was Dane Cook, making one of his stupid faces, the title was "Dane Cook's Slacker Guide To Success." I only got through one paragraph before realizing that the road to success for Dane was a shitload easier for him than say a fat comic from Indianapolis. So I decided to rewrite the article for him. So...

Dane Cook's Guide To Sucksess

1) Steal Jokes From Other Comics.

Unethical? Sure. Dick move? You bet, but you can be an unethical dickbag all the the bank. It's as tried and true as the missionary position. Go to an untaped performance of a decent comic, say, Bill Hicks, take notes then basically repeat the jokes without even giving it a second thought. If questioned just ignore it or start yelling at the person doing the questioning. Before you know it your on your way to the top. But Josh, I mean, Dane, how can you rake in a shitload of taxable Obama dollars by stealing jokes? Well what do Carlos Mencia, Robin Williams and Denis Leary have in common? They are all rich as fucking hell and they all blatantly stole jokes from other comics. Hell, Denis Leary did one better and stole an entire persona. Then the poor bastard he stole from died before anyone was the wiser. Denis Leary is a lucky man, and you could be too.

2) Get A Decent Body

Since you'll be stealing jokes like Rosie O'Donnell you will have shitloads more time to work on your abs, gluets and biceps. Grab some weights some Muscle Milk and get your swell on bra. The audience will be less likely to boo you into oblivion if your packing a little heat on stage. Guys like Patton Oswald and Dave Attel have to be on top of their game due to their portly bodies and unsightly facial features. If you bomb at least you can raise your arms in your muscle shirt and squirt out your rock hard junk. Girls will dig it and guys will start thinking that they need to hit the gym without realizing that you told a shitty joke.

3) Make Unnecessary Exaggerated Movements On Stage...Also BE LOUD!

Works for Jim Carrey and Robin Williams and it could work for you. Flail about without any reason while telling a joke, for added effect BE LOUD! Raise your leg like a dancer while reciting a story about banging a chick. Arch your back and scream like Tarzan while doing a Tarzan impersonation. It works damn it! Robin Williams stage performance is 30% flailing, 30% imitating (gay guy, Wizard of Oz, black preacher, etc.), 30% Loud, 5% perspiration, 4.5% inspiration, 0.4% funny and 0.01% actual joke. But Dane, Robin WIlliams is really annoying. That's the fucking point. And look at him now, making tons of dough doing shitty movies and snorting coke off Christy Canyon's ass.

4) Be From Boston.

Or really any little town from Mass and Rhode I. Vermont is kind of pushing it. But take a gander at this list of famous people from Massachusetts. It's HUGE. That that doesn't even count assholes from Pravadance. So being a "southy" from "Bastan" gives you a much needed foot in the door. Even if you have absolutely no talent (Ben Affleck) or are really annoying (Mark Walhberg) or you actually have talent (J Mascis) you have an in. For added success wear your hat with the letter "B" on it and show up at Red Sawks games. Also show up and be really annoying when Bastan makes the World Series. It works I'm telling you. Do you think Steven King would have made it big being from Omaha, Nebraska? I think not. Think Matt Damon would be where he is today if he was from Albuquerque, New Mexico? How about Seth McFarlane of Family Guy fame? No. Fucking. Way. Having that annoying, bastardized version of a New Jersey accent will make you chic in Hollywood circles. Not from Boston? Move there as quick as you can, get the accent, become a fan, get liberal, then edit your Wikipedia and IMDB accounts as much as possible.

5) Be Very Liberal.

Actually this is just an option because you can avoid being political, but being a conservative is a great disadvantage to you in being successful, unless your a politician or a born again Christian preacher. For added success be very smug, arrogant and regurgitate all talking points from op-ed pieces from the L.A. Times, New York Times and Keith Olberman. Call everyone who has a different view from you childish names and hope rape on them and pregnancy on their underage children. Children? Going to far? Nope, just ask Dave Letterman. Make absolutely no sense when you debate someone on national t.v. Scream at them like Jon Stewart if you realize that you are making shit for sense. Also, go green. But Dane, I take private jets and slam more carbon in the air than a fucking volcano. See your ok, just SAY your green, you don't actually have to do it. Your not Ed Begley, Jr. for chrissakes. Works for Brad Pitt, Angolina Jolie, Leonardo DeCarprio, shit, the rest of Hollywood. See being liberal is basically a license to kill card. You can say the most racist insensitive things without being called out on it.

6) Don't Be Black.

Sorry, Dave Chappelle was a anomaly. If you are black you have to be a stereotype to the hilt, and even then you might not live long enough to see the fruits of your labor pay off. The road to success is still very racist my friends.

7) Be Gay (Last Resort)

This works well if your jokes are insanely unfunny (Ant) and if you are and unsightly piece of crap (Harvey Feirstein). It's not a slam dunk but it might work for you if all else fails. Gay rights are big in celebrity circles. Whatever you do, don't be talented and for the love of god do not do anything smacking of originality or hilarity. You could find yourself in obscurity hell like Scott Thompson. Be a stereotypical gay, be flamboyent, loud and annoying. Whatever you do, don't be funny. If your a lesbian, be careful. Rosie O'Donnel only got in because...actually I have no idea how the hell she got in.

8) Come Across As A Huge Slacker.

Kevin Smith started it and Dane Cook, me, kept it rolling. Being a slacker means your cool, man. Like you dig drinking, smoking weed and telling your boss to fuck off. People will instantly love you.

9) When All Else Fails, Dick, Vagina and Fart Jokes.

No explanation needed.

10) Don't Take Acting Lessons.

Complete waste of time unless your British and dig doing Shakespeare. When you make it big acting is a cinch. Why do you think Julia Roberts bombed on Broadway? Because she's a movie star, not an actor. And you can do take after take after take until you get it right. Paris Hilton. There you go.

Congrats! You made it big. But how do I keep the money rolling to keep up with my enormous lifestyle? Easy.

11) Run Out Of Ideas? Recycle, Recycle, Recycle.

Mike Myers movies are all the same and tell the exact same jokes. Hell if you watch Austin Powers 1 thru 3 non-stop you'll realize at some points (2 actually) that the movie started over with the same bits. Look at him now, he will never have to work again (unfortunately he still does). Make the same movie over and over again is the point. Romantic comedies will score you some quick recession proof scratch.

12) Make A Stand Up Comeback.

The stage is calling for you again, but instead of doing a shitty show at 1 am at the Chuckle Hut you will be booking enormous stages across the U.S. Do your stand up bits that made you big and for god sakes don't be funny. Not one fucking bit.

There you go, a quick Dane Cook Guide To Sucksess. See you at the Oscars fuck-o.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Media Bias? Naaaaaaaaw!

Great little ditty that if It wasn't so depressing it would be hilarious.

I was really never a fan of George Bush, I was really pissed with the first "stimulus" package but when Obama forced cracked his stimulus package through I was preparing for the worst (I still am, guns and gold, baby!). I remember a speech BOH made where he stated that if his package didn't pass unemployment would go to 10%. Well, were pretty much there and were in the hole trillions of dollars for it. Where's the media? Like BOH, still blaming Bush, an excuse that will run out eventually (I won't hold my breath on that one). The media really pisses me off. Just watch CNN or MSNBC for an hour and you can see they are clearly in the tank for BOH. Remember Katie Couric and her interview with Joe Biden? I was banging my head it was bleeding with all the softball questions and lack of historical knowledge between both of these morons.

Ugh. Granted Sarah Palin is a moron who was not hard to root out for Katie Couric but it was blatantly obvious Katie was in the bag for Obama. It's just sickening. I just want fair reporting, is that so much to ask? Well, at least Katie Couric's ratings are at an all time low.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

I Hate Getting Old, So Will You....

For those of you my age (and a little older) you understand what I mean by that. When your in your teens you feel indestructable and an age like 34 feels eons and eons away. To borrow from Neil Peart (I promise not to run for Vice President! ZING!)"Your only immortal, for a limited time." Nothing could be more truthful than that statement, or lyric, or whatever. Here are the things that I really hate about getting old.

-Going Out For A Couple Of Beers With Friends Seems Like More Of A Chore-

My wife asked if I wanted to go out to bw3's with a couple of her friends to watch a game. My response? "You mean I have to put on pants? Talk to people? Spend $30 on beer and wings when I have 24 perfectley good beers in the fridge right now? Ugghh, I guess." I literally took a crow bar to get me off the couch and into the car. It wasn't a bad night really I just really like being home with my tv and my beer.

-Never Trust A Fart-

No explanation needed.

-Everything Sucks-

I have no idea if it's because I'm getting old or movies and music are getting worse in quality. Every movie looks really stupid to me and 9 times 10, they are. Even the "independent" movies are getting worse. Unless your a die hard lib/socialist/whatever, most if not all independent movies really don't apply to me. I mean good god, a biopic on Che Guavera (probably spelled wrong)? I mean, the same dinks who watch this think that Bush should be brought up on war crimes for killing thousands of innocent people. Do I need to point out the irony in that? I still want my $5 back for renting Mystic River. I mean, there are a few exceptions like No Country For Old Men or even the recent Star Trek release but really movies really kinda blow nowadays. Then there's music. Granted I really shouldn't be talking since I was once dancing to "We Built This City" back in 5th grade but at least I knew it sucked back then. And I also had an appreciation of jazz and classical. Kids nowadays think Bach is a type of beer, hell I don't even think they know that.

-I'm Getting Smarter And Dumber At The Same Time-

I am reading a hell of a lot more than I did in my 20's, and it isn't just about football, porno and books about war (Vice President! Borrowed! Run! I did it again! The joke! Never! Gets! Old!), I actually do read books. I also read articles besides sports and comics in the paper, strange I know. Politics means more to me, something I swore I would never do but I do. Then there are the issues, I actually do read both sides of the story first before making my opinion, something I would not have thought of doing 10 years ago. Fox, CNN, MSNBC (Obama news network) and other networks/websites I read on a daily basis.

But I'm getting dumber. The other day my wife bought a blender so I could partake in fruit smoothies which I found out recently I really like, and since they are nutritious it's good for my fat bod. Well I could not figure out how to put the stupid thing together. I kept trying to jam the same piece over and over again into the cylinder. My wife comes along and puts it together in two seconds. Then after making a smoothie I unscrew the glass container, which has no bottom, now I find myself covered in smoothie goodness. I just stood there with a dumb look on my face. Just dumb as hell.

-My Body Is Breaking Down-

I started working out when I was in my early 20's and have been doing it consistently since. But still age has a way of saying screw you not matter how well you take care of it. I have aches and pains in places I never thought I could have aches and pains. When getting up from the couch I snap, crackle and pop more than my grandma. Thankfully I don't leave a pee stain on the couch like she did.

- People Born After 1990 Baffle You -

They are talking and walking and going to college. In 1990 I was in high school, and they were just wee ones shitting their diapers and giving their mommas chaffed nipples. What the hell happened?

- You Have No Idea What The Kids Are Talking About -

If you've ever heard people in their teens and 20's talk to each other about the new fad, new programs and celebrities it becomes apparent that you have no idea what in the h-e-double hockey sticks they are talking about. It's like their speaking a different language, like hip hop artists.

- You Get Sentimental A Little More Often -

I started crying at the end of Shawshank Redemption the other day. How gay is that?

- More Music Musings -

You're going down the highway jamming to a tune, thinking "damn, what a rocking fucking tune." Then the DJ comes in welcoming you to the oldies station. You feel yourself shitting your pants a little.

- Your Childhood Heroes Look REALLY Old -

Have you seen Harrison Ford lately? Do you know how old he is? 66. That's right, 66 years old. Indiana Jones, Han Solo and the crazy dude from Frantic is 66 fucking years old. I'm not going to bring up Rush, it's too painful.

- You Get Really Tired Really Easy -

Naps, they are great, or were for me. Since I got a night job I don't take them anymore. But before I started I took a nap at least 3 times a week. I never took one before before my 20's.

- You Fall Asleep At Wei.....

Friday, May 29, 2009

Lemme Take A Crack - Beer Cans Movie Questions

I thought I would drop my unwanted $0.02 into Beer Cans Movie inquiry.

What is the first film you ever saw?

According to my parents Star Wars. I was a wee two year old sitting on my dad's lap and according to them I was mesmerized the entire film, which explains a lot about me today. But the first movie I remember going to was The Black Stallion. There is even a picture of my sitting on top of a black horse outside the movie theater before the film. I'm sure the poor horse made an unwanted trip to the glue factory afterwards.

What is your favorite movie of all time?

Empire Strikes Back. It has everything; romance, bromance, spaceships, action, comedy, drama, fantasy and the best plot twist EVAR. Just too damn good. Some crap movie, Ordinary People, won the best picture that year. Biggest piece of crap movie I've ever seen. Crap.

What is your favorite line in a film?

"I thought they smelled bad...on the outside!"

What film made you realize that film was an art?

Chariots of Fire. Really showing my age here. But this was the first film that while it was over my head when I was 7 years old, I still enjoyed the music (Vangelis, baby!) and the direction. I thought it was a beautiful piece of cinema.

(Tie) Never Cry Wolf. Can't get out of the 80's. This was a GREAT film, underrated in my own notsohumble opinion. Contrary to popular belief I'm a huge fan of the environment (I just hate enviro zealots, especially the ones from suburbia and Hollywood) and this film showcases how beautiful yet unbelievably harsh/deadly/unforgiving the environment can be and shows how human can screw up such a tranquil place.

What movie do you consider your guilty pleasure?

I would say Roadhouse but I don't feel guilty about liking it, so Flash Gordon it is. Pretty awful movie when you think about it but I still love watching it even to this day.

Who is your favorite movie character of all time?

Tyler Durden - Fight Club. There are days I wish I had the chutzpah of a Tyler Durden, do things just to break out of my suburban existence (without harming others, of course). I would love to pee in Al Gore's soup and topple the Apple corporation. Hey, I love my ipod and macbook but seriously, they are the devil.

What is your favorite movie snack food.

Popcorn, derr. Of course it would be beer if it were sold at a conventional movie theater, but some a-hole decided to shut down Hollywood Bar and Filmworks.

Who is your favorite director of all time?

Dude, tough question. (Keith Olbermann sigh) I would have to say David Fincher (Fight Club, Se7en, Curious Case Of Not Giving A Shit) because the guy has a way of making movies with crappy scripts work (see Alien 3 and Panic Room). That and I like his style. I have yet to see Curious Case just because I really don't like Brad Pitt anymore. Then I would have to say Martin Scorsese. The guy can flat out direct. Goodfellas, Casino, Raging Bull and my personal favorite Kundun. Top notch solid films, he has a great way of transporting you to the era he's filming. Then there are the Cohen Brothers...fuck it, they are my favorite of all time. I forget which one directs but he is tits.

Who is the most impressive filmmaker working today?

Another tough question because I rarely watch new movies anymore, and the "independent" movies are all crap, unless you like lib/socialist themes mixed with anti Catholicism/Christianity/Conservative views mixed in with pro environmentalism. But I would have to say the dude who directed Hellboy and Pan's Labyrinth. Del Toro? Too lazy to look up how to spell his name. Then Edgar Wright, the dude behind Shawn of the Dead and Hot Fuzz. Awesome, hilarious movies.

What quality do the best directors share?

Actors are complete numb skulls and childish so whoever can wrangle their egos in while making a decent movie is a top notch director in my mind.

Who is your favorite actor/actress of all time?

Alex Guinness. Hands down. Others? Harrison Ford (pre 1990), Gary Oldman, Tim Roth, Liam Neeson, Helena Carter, Ewan McGregor, Ruth Gordon, Maggie Smith. There are other but I can't think of them.

Who would you cast in a film about your life?

A shorter overweight version of Eric Stoltz.

If I could remake one movie...

All the Star Wars prequels. Seriously George...

I never wanna watch a movie with...

Anybody who regularly darkens the Godfather's movie theater doors.

The perfect movie is...

According to me it has to be from the 80's.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Rejected Facebook Updates

Facebook was something I held off to sign up with for a long time. I thought it was kind of dorky and just wanted to not do it. But when you have relatives out of state and they keep clammering for pics of your little piles of poo then this is more convienient then uploading pics to your Yahoo email. Anyways, one of the many things on Facebook is to update what your doing at that very minute which is something I don't do, unless I'm drunk or something, which really doesn't happen too often nowadays. These were some of the rejected updates that I decided was better to keep clandestine.

Josh is....

Pooping, man this is great.
Crying like a little girl on the toilet realizing that I'm not going to be a rich, or famous, or really anything.
Masturbating to some gay porn, I mean, GREAT porn. Yeah, that's it.
Wondering where my infant is...have any of you guys seen him?
Wondering what it would feel like to bang Christy Canyon.
So drunk that he canttt typh anywmowrfeeee hey honey, gonnnnnaa throw.....
Hitting on some chick here at a bar, oh, that's right, I'm married.
Just farted and blamed it on the baby.
You ever eat the stuff out of your ear. Well, take it from me, don't do that.
Should probably tell his wife that he lost our life savings on an emu farm.
Scrathing my nuts, man this is great.

This is probably a post I shouldn't have done. Oh well.

Friday, April 10, 2009

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Reliving A Classic - R.E.M - Eponymous

About this time of year a couple of things break out of my arsenal of movies and music for spring. One is Major League, you know, just in time for baseball which my wife watches at the beginning of spring training but I hold out until the start of the season and a little gem from R.E.M, Eponymous. Before I begin to break this nugget down.....

My Thoughts Of R.E.M Now

Ever since Green I've pretty much stopped listening to them. While Automatic For The People had a couple of decent songs it was nowhere (is nowhere one word?) near the creamy goodness of the old days. At least that's my own drunken opinion. And we all know what happens when you become popular and people are kissing your ass non-stop, loss of objectivity and reality AND sanity. Ask Sean Penn, Keith Olbermann, Rush Limbaugh. Total disconnect with normal society. Anyways to a certain degree this what happened to R.E.M. and their music started suffering as a result. Once bands start doing the ol' I want to inform people of important issues I start tuning out. I long for the days of Led Zeppelin, total cock rock with nothing on their minds except drinking and blowing people out of the stadiums, in a non-sexual way. Once Michael Stipe started wearing shirts reading "Wear A Condom" I pretty much left them behind and started listening to Rush. Oh wait, I was doing that anyways. But I still love their old stuff, they WERE college radio. They were the best mix of pop and punk, they were the beginning of alternative. And Eponymous was the best example of this time.


I first got hold of this album in mid 1989. I was a shitty baseball player on my J.V. baseball team in Mathews in the middle of nowhere Virginia. BEAUTIFUL country but it was really in the middle of nowhere. I had one neighbor a mile away. The town of Mathews was 15 miles away. My bro lent me album when he came home from the Merchant Marine Academy in Long Island, NY. He was pretty much my connection to the music world beyond popular radio. When he came home in the spring of '89 he lent me this little gem. I used to listen to this album on bus trips when we traveled to games (we always had to travel at least an two hours both ways to any game.) I would listen to this and to Signals (Rush, duh.) and I loved them both. The best thing about R.E.M. was the fact that they were a little band from the country, I was from the country, they were intellectuals, I thought I was an intellectual, I had a great connection with this band, and this album was my little intellectual fuck you to the rest of the "hicks" at school. I read Ray Bradbury, I played Vivaldi, I was smart dammit. Anyways, this album is still my favorite and I still play this thing this time every year when spring comes callin' again.

Now, I didn't realize until a little later that this album was pretty much a best of (again, I thought I as an intellectual.). R.E.M. being the different blokes that they are didn't name it "best far" so I was thinking this as a regular album. I just thought Peter Buck was nuts or drunk, or both.

1) Radio Free Europe - My favorite song of the album, remixed version from my second favorite album Murmur.
2) Gardening At Night - About taking a leak in the forest. " night". Get it? Again, when you live in the country you pee any goddamn where you please.
3) Talk About The Passion - About hunger. A great tune, very soulful and moving.
4) So. Central Rain - Another emotional song and moving song.
5) (Don't Go Back To) Rockville - While the meaning of this song is totally different from my interpretation, it was was a great little tune. To me it meant don't go back to your little town, which to me was Mathews. At the time I hated Mathews and wanted to escape. Since living in the "city" I actually want to go back there. Hey, sometimes I hate people.
6) Cant Get There From Here - No apostrophe in the title, weirdos.
7) Driver 8 - Now this was the shit. I love this song. This seriously reminded me of country living, especially when I saw the video. Refers to the Southern Crescent. It runs through West Virginia. If it's anything like me, it never stops in West Virginia.
8) Romance - A quirky little song that was the closest thing to a toe tapper in the group.
9) Fall On Me - The video of this song always sticks out to me. The funny thing about R.E.M. When they were young, they never showed themselves much in their videos, now that they are old, fat and/or ugly, they do nothing but show themselves.
10) The One I Love - A great tune, one that I thought the backing vocals were top notch.
11) Finest Worksong - Another remix that I thought was better than the original.
12) It's The End Of The World As We Know It (and I Feel Fine) - At one point in my life I actually knew the entire lyrics to this song, which prompted my dad to say, "you know the words to this song but you can't remember any mathematical equation you just studied!" Yep, I thought I was an intellectual.

I got ahold of Murmur a little later which I thought was the bomb, but it was nowhere near the album this was. Through and through a great album, not one song that sucks.

Michael Stipe - Vocals - not a pretty boy by any means. Not exactly a great vocalist but it works for this band.
Peter Buck - Guitars - Not flashy but decent.
Mike Mills - Solid Bass, very good backing vocals.
Bill Berry - Drums - Left the band in 1997, not exactly Neil Peart but he was was able enough.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

The Shittiest Rock Bands Of All Time

There are bands where you start thinking that god truly does not exist for letting these knobs roam the face of the Earth distributing their crappy music and horrific talent. Now, these are bands that I find 1) untalented and 2) write shittiest songs ever made. I mean SHITTY songs. The type of songs that you would risk a head on collision with a semi to hurriedly turn the station. This is why I love my ipod. Suck it you anti corporate snobs. Anyways here they are.

10) Nickelback - Not only do they suck but the lead singer hates his fans. Their songs sound like frozen bile in a sock beating a cat. It's awful, how these guys don't trip over vomit on the way out of their show is beyond me because I would throw up, convulse and then die in a pool of my own crap and piss if I were forced to see them.

9) Maroon 5 - Ugh, their damn music gives me cavities. Absolutely no talent, you can actually hear the drummer thinking before hitting the snare.

8) Rolling Stones - Go ahead and flame me bitches because seriously, they have no talent. I know that Charlie Watts plays decent jazz but he plays the same goddamn rhythm on each farking song. It looks like a retarded monkey trying to figure out how to jerk off. Bassists? There's a bassist? They need two guitarists to do the work of one and Mick Jagger couldn't hit a fucking note if a note was a fat fish in a small bucket and he's standing over it with an anti-fish bazooka. "hey Mick give me a C." OOOH. "No, a fucking C!" OOOOOOOHH! "God you suck." Yes, I know, Paint it Black is a great tune as is Gimme Shelter but having to sit through the rest of their repretoire gives me gas.

7) Hootie and the Blowfish - I know they are a great bunch of guys and it would be a hoot to sit through Bible study with them but Lord help me they are awful. Hold My Hand makes me feel like I'm in a middle of a Christian Rock band concert looking up and crying while touching pee pees with other converts in the building. This is why I really think Hootie blows.

6) Fall Out Boy - Alright, I give them credit, they did name their band from a Simpson character but fcuk me! Talentless and writing their songs consists of talking about their feelings while bitching about how their mascara smudges when they cry. They have to be ovulating right now as we speak.

5) Creed - If these guys were overweight assholes from Wisconsin they would be laughed off the stage. Scott Stapp has to take off his shirt in order to take the attention away from his crap songs. Their lyrics sounds like it was written by Sam from I Am Sam after suffering a debilitating, crushing head blow.

4) Bruce Springsteen - Sorry, him and his menopausal backing band from the 1870's are completely talentless. After watching his Super Bowl performance I have a hard time trying to figure out why baby boomers pony up multiple minivan payments in order to see him. He said that he's for the working class. Really? Then why does it cost $800 for an upper row balcony seat to see your shitty music. Seriously, after listening to Dancing In The Dark tell me that he actually has talent.

4) Don McLean - American Pie. I hate you. I fucking fucking fucking hate you you fucking waste of space. Getting ball smashing drunk still doesn't get the song out of my head. That shitty song is already stuck in my head by writing these words. These words right here. And here. And a little here. ......and here.

3) Green Day - Your best song is about jacking off. Really original gays, I mean, guys. I think the name of their next album is "Search for the Fourth Cord." I misspelled it on purpose because they are a bunch of really dumb fucks that only thing they know how to do is look good in front of the camera and selling out so much that even Moby has to speak up and say something.

2) Hole - My god, the only reason, and I mean the ONLY reason Courtney Love got this abortion off the ground is because Kurt Cobain couldn't take her music anymore and took the easy way out. I would eat a shotgun too if I had to listen any Hole songs. Hole? Oh, I get it, it has something to do with your vagina. Clever, get together with Green Day and write a completely shitty song that would instantly kill a human. I would rather listen to rap music made after 2000 then listen to this crap. Trust me, that's saying a lot.

1) Bush - Christ, where do I begin? From the shitty songs, song titles and lyrics to the awful fucking videos these guys just know how to make me wish my tinnitus was worse than it is. Their songs sound like emus being raped very slowly. I never jump at a radio station faster than I do when a Bush song comes on. Bush? Wow, really original. I'm sure it wasn't named after the presidents. I take it your girlfriends don't shave. The lead singer is the most talentless hack that ever crapped on a track. I actually thought their song Glysterine was called Listerine.

Dishonorable mentions: Motley Crue, Poison, pretty much every 80's hair band, White Stripes (probably should have been on this list), Coldplay, Goo Goo Dolls, U2 (after 1997), Phil Collins, Oasis, Lifehouse.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Rush Rush and More Rush....

Couple of Rush notes that I ran across. Apparently Rush will be in the new Movie I Love You Man which excites and disappoints me all at the same time. The director is a huge Rush fan and he has Rush play Limelight during a Rush concert (go figure) that the gay couple attends in the movie. If it's anything like my experience it's full of middle aged drunk white males that are bald or balding. But DAMN it's a fun experience. More guess this means I actually have to go to a movie...naw. I'll wait for the DVD.

Geddy Lee talks to Blender, which ironically ranked Neil Peart as the second, that's right, SECOND worst lyricist of all time. He talks about that and the fact that he wants to sue Al Gore. I'm sure that's with tongue firmly entrenched in cheek. HERE is the link.

I guess Rush will be back in the studio in the Fall, or whenever the fuck they feel like it to record their next album. I feel giddy about the possibilities, while I was disappointed in Snakes and Arrows (except for Main Monkey Business which is teh Shit!) it was still a shitloads better than any rock album that shat itself on the records shelves that year.

By the way. Writing this was a challenge, I just got back from celebrating St. Patricks Day and I'm seeing two computer screens right now.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Hmmmm...Puss..I Mean Wow. Not Sure How I Feel About This

Clink the link and let me know. Make sure you are not at work.

Homer Simpson Tattoo

I feel very horny and wanting to watch the Simpsons all at the same time.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

The Pacers Are Broke Yo

If you guys haven't heard, and I'm sure you've haven't, the Pacers have announced that they have lost more money than M.C. Hammer and Mike Tyson combined. When looking at the worth of the Pacers they are at 300 million, but Herb Simon says that they have lost 200 million since he took over the club in 19whatever. Many blame the shitty performance since thugs took over the team in 2004. But I say that if the thugs actually took the Pacers anywhere this would be a different situation. To me the whole thing started to snowball since Donny Walsh decided to hire the worst person in the world, no, not Rush Limbaugh there Keith Olbermann but Isiah Thomas back in 2001 when Larry Bird decided to "retire" to get great blowjobs from lot lizards back in French Lick.

Let's here from the owner himself, Herb Simon. Oh.....Herb.

-There comes a point where you have to say, 'Maybe I can't do this anymore,' Simon, 74, said in an hour long meeting with executives and reporters at The Indianapolis Star. Certainly my family, if I'm not here, is not going to be able to do it. So, let's straighten this thing out. Maybe we can't. But let us try. Sure, I would have picked a better time than the world's greatest economic crisis. The timing sucks, but that's what it is.-

Great, thanks a pant load there Herb the city builds you a beautiful building downtown and you decide that maybe you can't do this anymore. I know that really the NBA as a whole is a complete disaster and the Pacers are just swept up in the tsunami of the shit economy but threatening to move the team if the can't do this anymore is a dick move. This city has supported you through thick and thin and we abondaned you because you put together a horriffic team full of shitty contracts and thugs that can't shoot worth a shit, with guns and the ball. I still root for the Pacers, basically becuase I know this team won't be around much longer and the fact that if Indy loses any pro team we won't get it back....ever. I know you hippies don't give a shit and think that these teams don't do any good for the city, but when these teams do well, more jobs and more money, pure and simple. Just ask any economically depressed city their opinion, like Oklahoma City.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

NBA Going Down In Flames?

Oh well, grab the marshmallows 'cause I don't give a rat's ass. Bill Simmons aka The Sports Guy aka Tom Brady's official fluffer actually wrote a decent article recently talking about the NBA's current money problems. I would give you the link to the article but I hate Simmons and doing so would somehow encourage you to read him, which I wouldn't. In it it explained that 10 teams have accepted a loan from JP Morgan for like kagillions of dollars to keep them afloat. I would give you a actual numbers but if Obama can throw out ridiculous numbers I can too. But really who cares? I certainly don't, I would rather see the NBA go down in a raging inferno than the NHL, and I don't watch hockey. So why would I actually want to see the NHL stay afloat than the NBA? Well I know you liberals probably think racism which is usually the first thing to come to mind for you folks (that and homophobia) when me wanting a league filled primarily with African Americans to hit the bricks than a league full of Europeans and European Americans. But here are the real reasons I seriously hate the NBA (except for the Pacers, which I still watch and root for, that's right, I'm that guy).

It's Horrifically Predictable

Emperor Stern changed the format of the playoffs a couple of years back basically to make sure that the top seeded teams made it through without a scratch. It's a hell of a lot easier for an 8th seed to upset a 1 seed in 5 games than in 7. I believe this crap started around 2000 so that the star studded Lakers had a clear path to the finals so we could see Shaq foul and violate the 3 second rule, Kobe handcheck and carry like mad and Phil Jackson sit on the bench asleep while scratching his balls. Fun stuff. Last year I stopped watching the NBA when I saw Boston and L.A. in first place in their respective conferences. And lo and behold look who's in the finals. It's just too damn predictable.

It's Star Driven, Not Team Driven

When you hear any announcement about upcoming games you hear: "Lebron and the Cavs" or "Kobe and the Laker". I know that's just the way sports is nowadays but the NBA have really put so much emphasis on their stars that passing and fundamentals takes a back seat to showboating assholes.

The Officiating Is Ridiculous

Back in the glory days of Micheal Jordan you not only had to face Jordan but the officials. If you breathed on the guy he would take a trip to free throw line. And opposite of that he could basically get in a car and run people over and the officials would choke on their whistles. And that's pretty much the way it goes with any star player. Numerous people, Ralph Nader was one of them, have pounded the NBA for shoddy officiating. Sterns response? Usually an arrogant, childish comment questioning the person who dares challenge Stern intellectual prowess. And it's right there, questionble call after questionable call. Even if you point Stern's nose right in the pile of shit that is his doing he just arrogantly brushes it off. Then this happened...

Tim Donoghy

After Stern defended the officials to the hilt so much that he fined Mark Cuban jabillions of dollars for even hinting that the officials suck it turned out that one of his brethren was right in the middle of a point shaving scandal. Seriously, if your review of officials were that great and you shat on anyone who questioned your authority how did this whopper get past you? Shittiest commissioner ever.

Guaranteed Contracts

You just signed a hefty contract, say 10 years 100 million. You start sucking the minute the contract sucks, so, can you take money away from the player? Nope, for the next 10 years, healthy or not, they will sit back, jerk off and count their money while he plays shitty defense and clangs free throws. Oh, he can say he's injured and stay on the bench and not get one penny taken away. Welcome to the world of Matt Geiger and other shitty contracts. The thing is, he's one of hundreds of shit guaranteed contracts in the NBA and while you ask what does it matter. Shouldn't they have the right to do this? Sure, but it sure makes for some shitty NBA games. And it has killed the NBA.

Thug Life

There are good guys in the league, Tim Duncan, Lebron, etc. But for every Aurther Ashe there are 10 Tupaks all tattooed up and waiting to bust a cap in any ones ass. And it isn't just the players, it's the entourage and fans, take a gander at thisarticle from a couple of years back.

There are more reasons but I'm sick of this shitty post.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Nostalgia Run Amok - My Favorite Year

A couple of weeks ago friends of my wife came to town and wanted to go drinking, well gee, that's right up my alley. So we went to the nearest pub that served decent beer on tap, thankfully not far. In the course of the evening the conversation turned from politics (we were all hoping Obama would succeed, now were all Libertarians), to music (Creedence Clearwater is awesome) to death (don't ask) and finally to film. My sister in law asked the latest film that I watched. Max Payne, but I didn't finish it because it was fucking awful. Then I finally realized that the last two films that I have seen were Hellboy 2 (meh) and No Country For Old Men. It's really not because I'm old and I think all new movies suck, wait, that's exactly it. Well, we all love old movies and basically spent the rest of the night discussing the best of the best. The next night while I was downing down ice cold beer (the hair of the dog that bit me) I stumbled upon one of my favorite films, My Favorite Year (1982). I remember seeing this as a kid and thought it was great, even though my brother had to explain all the jokes to me. Well now 27 years later I watched it again and enjoyed the shit out of it. I enjoyed that fucking movie so much that I actually thought about humping the TV which I did after watching a documentary of Kay Parker. Look her up, just not at work.

The movie starred Mark Linn Baker. You might remember him as Cousin Larry from Perfect Strangers. That's right, now that shitty 80's song is coursing through your skull. The years have not been pleasant to Larry and he looks like father time has thoroughly beaten the shit out of him. He was pretty good as a rookie writer handling and looking after a drunken, womanizing yet charming Irishman Alan Swann.

Peter O'Toole was awesome as Alan Swann. You remember him from Supergirl, right? Anyways the one liners were plentiful and great. Here is a sample.

"I'm not an actor, I'm a movie star!!!"

(looking at a broken bottle of liquor), "That's a sad sight."

(After stumbling into a ladies room)
Woman: This is for Ladies Only!
Swann: (unzips fly) So is this madam, but every once in a while I have to run a little water through it.

(realizing that the skit he's doing is live)
"I haven't performed in front of an audience in 24 years. I had one line! And I forgot it!"

I know I'm an old man but I don't care. Movies suck donkey balls nowadays and I wish they made more movies like these. Who knows, maybe one day my born again son will tell me that they don't make movies like Pineapple Express anymore. That day will suck. But let me enjoy this day and this movie dammit.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

I Love Cracked

Very interesting article or opinion piece or propaganda for those who don't agree with it. I think it's hilarious and informative...

5 Ways That People Are Trying To Save The World (That Don't Work)

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

This Is Change?

I guess one of the best lyrics in rock bears repeating.....

"Meet the new boss, same as the old boss."

The only difference is the new boss was supposed to be about change, a new direction in the way we do things. Better government, cleaner energy, cleaner air, a moral high ground taken by your government representatives. At first, and this was a while back, I was swept up by Obama mania and my feeling was that if Ron Paul or Guliani didn't make it as the Republican nominee I could get on board with Obama. He says the right things, does the right things, sorta, and I was willing to look over the whole Rev. Wright thing. Well, then..

1) He brings aboard Joe Biden. No John, I don't think "borrowing" from another individuals speech will impede ones ability to do a job, but if I "borrowed" like he did (not once, not twice, but thrice) I wouldn't have graduated college. But what really burned me was the fact that Obama already violated his promise of change. Really? Biden? Someone who has been in government longer than McCain? A complete arrogant fuckwit who was once the butt of a SNL skit back in the late 80's? He's part of the problem, not the solution.

2) The media gets involved, waaaaay too much. Obama was golden, he couldn't do anything wrong in the press, except for little you tube blerbs of him fumbling over his own words and proclaiming he's visited all "57 states", he was the know. I will fully admit McCain ran a shittacular campaign, disastrous at every debate, town hall meeting, VP nomination and commercial and Obama was there to capitalize, as was the media. MSNBC, CNN (which I will now dub The Obama Channel), Time, Newsweek, not one mainstream media news source ever criticized Obama. It was a tad disturbing.

Then he gets elected...

Oh well. I give Obama the best. I'm not going to be like one of those extreme left liberal douches that proclaims he or she is ashamed of America because of an administration. Nope, won't do it. I hope Obama turns this country around. I hope he does bring everyone together for the common good. I was ready for some change baby! Then....

He starts backing away from almost every promise he made. Remember when we all dog piled on John-O for Obama wanting to raise taxes for those who made 250,000 or more a year? Well, he backed off that pretty damn quick. I guess he and Oprah had a little heart to heart.

Blogovich. I know Obama wasn't involved but still, it's Chicago politics, all corruption all the time and this is where he came from.

He brings in ex Clinton people. Great. Same shit different decade.

He brings in those who voted for the war in Iraq (and retains one Bush person) instantly pissing off the anti-war groups. Of course, when aren't they pissed off? And where the hell were they when Clinton was pulling his crap?

He brings in an environmental "czar" Carol Browner who was once part of the Socialist party. Don't worry she resigned. She also wants to make large economies around the world (and the U.S.) to be smaller in order to fight a fictitious war against something that doesn't exist. Hmmm, fictitious war, sounds familiar doesn't it? Oh yeah, another Clinton tool.

Bill Richardson for Commerce Secretary. Withdrew due to a donor flap.

Geithner for Treasury Secretary. Tax problems, given free pass and is still in. But it's cool, his mistake was a common mistake. I guess it depends on who you talk to on that one.

Nancy Killifer for Chief Performance Officer. Withdrew, tax snafu. Starting to see a trend.

Then my favorite...

Tom Daschle. Health and Human Services. The man tapped to make sweeping socialist, errr reforms to health care. Yeah, 140,000 owed in back taxes. I was pretty happy about this, at least I know my job will be safe for a while. Well, he's out.

No wonder Dems are so generous with our tax money, they don't contribute! Then....

The stimulus package. You know who won't see any of that money? People who need it, us. It's European politics. A sort of socialism where only CEO's and companies get the money frome the government then refuse to give to the people who need it. I will call Bush the worst president of all time if any lib will admit that Pelosi is the worst Speaker of the House overseeing the worst Congress ever especially due to passing one horrific bailout and now wanting to pass another that will totally screw this country. Thank GOD they didn't bail out the big 3 automakers.

Listen, I hope Obama gets his shit together for the sake of this country. But to those who think he is God, Buddha, Allah and Elvis all wrapped up in one I have some startling news for you. He's. Just. Another. Politician. I saw Obama on CNN getting lobbed softball questions from Anderson Cooper right after this latest nominee screw up. It was if Anderson was consoling Obama, not asking the tough questions that should be asked. If this were Bush the media would have been in a frenzy, oh wait, this was Bush, and he was dubbed a complete imbecile (rightly in some cases) for every mistake he made. Obama has been fumbling around like Inspector Clouseau ever since he was sworn into office, and it's only been two weeks! Where's the outrage? Anyone?

Friday, January 30, 2009

You Learn Something New Everyday

While bored one day with a child in my arms who would not go to sleep I decided to look around you-tube for some non porn fun. I read somewhere that Rush released a video for Malignant Narcissist. So I typed Rush in to the search engine and found something new, a bootleg copy of unreleased (2 actually) tracks. One of them was recorded while performing in Cleveland. See, Cleveland is good for something other than a burning river. They recorded this little concert one month after our lord and savior Neil joined the lads. Anyways, I hope you enjoy these two tracks.

Garden Road

Fancy Dancer

The last track is from the Fifth Order Of Angels bootleg, something I had never heard of before. I had one bootleg of Rush (recorded actually) from the Roll The Bones tour, of course, I lost it. But I liked Fancy Dancer a lot, I wished they released it. Of course, the way Rush is going with selling everything under the sun (when will see Rush condoms?) I'm sure they will at some point.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

You Stay Classy Coach Dungy, Thanks For Everything

I have absolutely no time to blog anymore. It's pretty tough to find time to sit down and actually pour my shitty, grammar mistake filled thoughts onto this piece of crap blog. Either I sign up for another twelve hour shift which will make me nice money, or I blog. I either go feed my 5 month old whose doing the pointing sign to his mouth, or I blog. I either go bail my wife out of jail for yet another DUI, or I blog. But I had to find time to comment about our boy Tony Dungy. See, I've seen certain self hating Hoosiers and Brown fans drop trough and void their bowels all over Tony's career on other blogs, and I've got to stick up for my boy Tony.

First Round Playoff Exits

Let's get the bad points out of the way first. 6 first round exits in his career. Pretty crappy really and trust me, I was throwing my son's Cars chair across the room (without my son in it) the other week because of yet another first round turd laid, even though San Diego got some help with some shitty calls in OT. Still, they should have won that game. Except for that run in 2006 Tony is constantly out coached by some shitty coaches (and some good ones) in the post season (really, Norv? Norv freaking Turner? Twice? Manuel Noriega twice in your career?). It's frustrating it really is, and it's a legit beef.

He's a Defensive Guru Yet His Defense Is Like a Matador

True, his defense borders on shitty some years but this year was a pass considering one of his DTs decided to "retire" and another got in some trouble. And since Tony isn't a hypocrite he released the one that ran afoul of the law. Since Tony already has a pretty small defense it's hard to replace a couple of huge bodies in the middle and therefore hard to stop the run which was pretty evident since Mighty Mouse (Sproles) ran all over Indy. But you also have to realize that Tony has to deal with injuries and a revolving door of defenders year in and year out. I know all coaches in the NFL have to coach around these problems but the Colts had to deal with their best players constantly being injured (see Bob Sanders, Mathis, Freeny, etc.). I think Tony did a great job with what he had.

His Playoff Record Sucks

9-10 with one super bowl win. And no, that super bowl win was not lucky. I don't know how you luck yourself into a field goal game with the top defense in league (Baltimore) or luck yourself back from a 21-6 deficit with a team that has always spiritually depantsed you every playoff game or how you luck yourself into a monsoon even though your considered a "non weather" team against the top D in the NFC. Yes Chicago won in spite of Sexy Rexy but they were still a good team, much better than Seattle of 2005 anyway. It wasn't luck, they earned every bit of that super bowl ring. Tony has also made the playoffs all 7 seasons at Indy. Even the great Bill Belicheck has missed the playoffs 2 times in the last 7 season. Still, an under .500 playoff record really isn't all that good. But let's compare some other coaches post season record I have heard self hating Hoosiers and Colts fans throw around to replace Tony and some other coaches of Tony's ilk.

Jeff Fisher: 5-6 postseason, 0-1 in super bowls. And he was one music city miracle away from not even getting that super bowl appearance. Oh, and he just had a first round outsting even though his team was the #1 seed.

Recently fired Jon Gruden: 5-4 postseason, 1-0 in super bowls. Chucky should really thank Tony for building him a team for him to use and should thank his lucky stars that he faced his former team Oakland that didn't even bother to change their offensive playbook for the super bowl. Also, no playoff appearances since 2002.

Mike Holmgren: 13-11 postseason, 1-2 in super bowls.

Dick Vermeil: 6-5 postseason, 1-1 in super bowls

The Chin Bill Cowher: 12-9 postseason, 1-1 in super bowls.

Tom Coughlin: 8-7 postseason, 1-0 in super bowls (and what a super bowl that was).

Marty "Gleam" Schottenheimer: 5-13 postseason (!), no super bowl appearances.

Mike Shanahan: 8-5 postseason, 2-0 in super bowls. Was completely lost after Elway left.

Andy Reid: 11-7 postseason: 0-1 in super bowls.

Bill Belecheck: 14-3 postseason, 3-1 super bowls. Cheater! Cheater! Cheater! Cheater! Cheater! Cheater!

Well, except for Bill Belecheck (even though he's an arrogant prick records don't lie) really there is no one with a great postseason record. So when someone starts bitching that Tony sucks in the postseason just politely, or not so politely, remind them that everyone else does too.

The Good Points

Regular Season Record

139-69. That ain't bad. Yes, I know, it doesn't mean crap in the postseason. But still, 13 seasons and 139 games won which averages out to 11 wins a year. I know most coaches that would kill for that kind of success. This year was pretty damn good also, 9 straight wins (well 8 really, that little scrimmage at the end of the season doesn't really count) after a 3-4 record to start things out. And some of those wins were grind 'em out kind of wins against good teams like Pittsburgh, New England and (shudder) San Diego. He has also had at least 12 wins in the last 6 seasons (NFL record) and he has had only 1, count 'em, one sub .500 record in the regular season (I will ignore the 1 .500 season he had). You have to admire that kind of success.

He's Even Keeled With His Team and On Speaking Terms With The Big Guy Upstairs

He doesn't yell, he doesn't spit, and he doesn't do ridiculous things to try and motivate his team, he treats his players like adults, because contrary to popular belief they are adults. And yelling doesn't usually mean success (see list up above). Besides, Bill B. is one hell of a coach and he's a monotone motorboat. Also, most Christians I've come across are complete hypocrites, especially the celebrity ones, not Tony. He talks the talk and walks the walk. He's VERY into the community not only here but his home in Tampa and I have to salute a man who constantly visits sick kids and brothers in the joint to try and turn their lives around. I'm pretty proud to say Coach Dungy was the Colts coach because not only did he represent our team with class and style, he also represented our city and the unwashed brethren within, black, white, whatever. He's kind of like the coaching version of Barak, except for all the horrific cabinet selections and crappy VP selection (insert plagiarized speech joke here).

He Shaped Peyton

Someone brought up a good point about this. Before Dungy arrived Peyton threw a crap ton of interceptions. After his arrival, Peyton not only threw less interceptions (except for that freaky 6 int Charger game) he was also more efficient. Maybe it was Dungy's tutelage, maybe it was Peyton getting wiser and older, who knows? But it's pretty evident that Tony's arrival helped Peyton.

He Turned Around A CRAPPY Franchise

Did I say crappy? I meant horrific. Tampa was a joke, they were worse than the Rays of Tampa. Tony was instrumental in turning that gay pirate ship around. So they got a little lucky in the draft (Sapp, Brooks, etc). So Monte Kiffin helped him a little in the Tampa 2 scheme. The proof is in the results, by the fourth year they were in the NFC championship game and slugged it out with the Greatest Show on Turf, and if it wasn't for a crappy officiating call they would have gone to the super bowl.

So there you go. I will miss Tony but I fully embrace his replacement. Ol' whatshisname..uhhh...Cauldwell something. Anyways good luck Tony, and even though your beliefs really doesn't mesh with Obama's (that whole abortion thing) I'm sure you'll be in his cabinet at some point, and that will be the first good choice he makes.

Friday, January 2, 2009

Cover Songs - The Good Ones

The Song: Got The Time
Covered By: Anthrax
Original Artist: Joe Jackson

This one was a shocker, it's a really good cover from a band that is a true fan of that lovably insane artist Joe Jackson. Jackson himself even commented how much he liked Anthrax's version. It isn't better than the original by any means but it's still enjoyable.

The Song: Comfortably Numb
Covered By: Scissor Sisters
Original Artist: Pink Floyd

A very interesting remake indeed, the only reason that you know it's a Pink Floyd cover is because of the lyrics, and well, the title of the song. It sounds nothing like the original. The Scissor Sisters are the British answer to Disco, cocaine, Club 54 and subtle gayness. I'm sorry, did I say subtle? they are about as subtle as a bull screwing a china shop.

The Song: Summertime Blues
Covered By: The Who
Original Artist: Bobby Vee

Entwisle and Moon always make things interesting no matter songs they play.

The Song: Oh, Pretty Woman
Covered By: Van Halen
Original Artist: Roy Orbison

Had a friend in high school who was the biggest Roy fan and he hated this remake. I love it, even though Van Halen has done like 10 kajillion covers this one is the best.

The Song: Ring Of Fire
Covered By: Wall Of Voodoo
Original Artist: Johnny Cash

Another that sounds nothing like the original. Just a eerie guitar, a synth loop and a monotone voice. My wife wonders why Ring Of Fire has never made it into a haemorrhoid commercial. I think I know the answer.

The Song: Kiss Me Deadly
Covered By: Reel Big Fish
Original Artist: Lita Ford

Pretty much a nerd ska band's answer to heavy metal.

The Song: Space Age Love Song
Covered By: No Motiv
Original Artist: Flock of Seagulls

A very decent remake I must say.

The Song: Girls On Film
Covered By: Bjorn Again
Original Artist: Duran Duran

The woman who sings on the cover is just fabulous, it's just too bad that this is the only good song they've ever done.

The Song: Turning Japanese
Covered By: Skankin Pickle
Original Artist: The Vapors

It's just fitting that the guy singing the cover is of Asian decent, just not Japanese.

The Song: Memories Can't Wait
Covered By: Living Colour
Original Artist: Talking Heads

It's one of the few covers that is actually better than the original...speaking of....

The Song: All Along The Watchtower
Covered By: Jimi Hendrix
Original Artist: Bob Dylan

Seriously, the best cover of all time, hands down fuck you the end.

The Song: Faith
Covered By: Chixdiggit
Original Artist: George Michael

Just a straight up fast and rockin' version of George Michael's first gay song.

The Song: Dancin' Days
Covered By: Stone Temple Pilots
Original Artist: Led Zeppelin

STP is the only, I repeat, the only group to cover a Zep tune without sounding like a bunch of retarded, doped up monkeys on roller skates. The rest who have tried really sound fucktaskitcally awful.

The Song: Purple Haze
Covered By: Frank Zappa
Original Artist: Jimi Hendrix

Just one fucked up cover. Anybody who is high while listening to this Frank Zappa creation will probably freak the fuck out.