Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Merry Christmas Assholes

It's Christmas, I'm drunk so I decided to write a really annoying post that the Godfather will eventually read, laugh, and wonder why he even bothers to come to this site. Mrs. Clause (my wife) decided to treat Mr. Clause with a nice bottle of Jameson to keep me warm and annoying. So since the dude is embiding with some wicked good whiskey I will count down the best Christmas specials of all time, before the liberals outlaw Christmas under Che Obama (yes, I'm kidding, I can't believe I had to add that disclaimer just in case a reactionary liberal visits this shitty site).

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964)

Nothing says horrifically creepy than a bunch of stop animation and shitty writing. But what did I know? I was 4 to 8 years old when I enjoyed this show. I still enjoy this special even though I'm tapped out drunk watching it.

The Simpsons (1989)

For those young bucks that were crapping their diapers during this time this was the first Simpsons ever aired on fox in December of '89. So while young John-O, Godfather and Prime Mover were jacking off to Victoria Secrets catalogue's and air drumming to Kixx this special made it appearance. While definitely not the best Simpsons it was the first and great to us considering that the only other funny cartoon on at the time was....ahhh....nothing. Back then this was a treat, this was gold, this special told us that even though we were white trash, everything will be alright. Unfortunately Roseanne kept reiterating that fact for the next 15 years.

Futurama (2000)

This wasn't really a special but was a really funny episode. Santa was created by Mom's robot company and wet completely nuts killing everyone that was naughty since it was illogical for someone to be completely nice in their lifetime.

Family Guy (2000)

Great year for Christmas specials. Even though Seth McFarlene will eventually initiate the banning of Christmas he did have a hand in creating a hilarious Christmas episode with a line that Mrs. Clause repeats every year (It comes out my holly, jolly butt!). I always play this once a year and probably will tonight before passing out in my own vomit.

Star Wars Christmas Special (1978)

I have yet to see all of this craptacular Christmas special in all it's shitty glory but I've seen a lot of it on You Tube. A singing, coked out Carrie Fisher. A very uninterested Harrison Ford trying to get Chewy home before Life Day (the Wookie equivalent to Christmas), and a young pre-scarred Mark Hamil singing to a bunch of socks. Bea Arther made an appearance as did the fuzzies. This episode never played again in it's entirety since 1978 and is a hard find due to the fact that George Lucas will do everything in his power to keep this crap from seeing the light of the two suns of Tattooine (which doesn't explain why he won't do the same with Phantom Menace), but it is so awesomely awful that it's an instant classic.

A Christmas Story (1983)

Everyone forgets that this actually was in a theater at some point. It bombed. But it's still a fixture in Christmas viewing that I don't miss any year. This also was the reason that my family went to Chinese restaurants every year, oh wait, no, we actually just had a lot of Jewish friends in Jersey.

SCTV Christmas Special (1981)

The Canadian equivalent of Mad-Tv but I will always love SCTV just because it so fucking funny, well, to me and a couple of other Canadian hicks, and maybe Geddy Lee. The Christmas special is so hilarious just because all the old SCTV staples go to a Christmas party and get horrifically drunk and sexually spunky. Probably one of the funniest Great White North episodes of all time....hoser.

I need another drink. know? I've never seen It's a Wonderful Life. Is that Un-American? Anyways....

How The Grinch Stole Christmas (no idea what year).

Before the no talent Ron Howard completely destroyed the novelty in 2000 with his horrific film this cartoon was always a staple to Christmas cartoon watching. Hooville is awesome, I wish I could move there.

Mr. Hankey's Christmas Show - South Park (1999)

The second best Christmas episode of all time. Christmas time in hell and especially Cartman belting out Oh Holy Night is just fucking hilarious. This put me in stitches the first time I saw it, and it still cracks me up to this day.

Charlie Brown Christmas Special (1965)

Has stood the test of time. Even though it's probably one of the most depressing Christmas specials of all time it's still one of my favorites. The dying Christmas tree, Linus bitching about the commercialism of Christmas, Snoopy deadhorsing Woodstock in his doghouse, it's still funny dammit. It also produced one of the best jazz albums of all time, Vince Giraldi made a fabulous soundtrack.

Anyways, Merry Christmas, Happy Hanuka and all that good stuff. Enjoy the Holidays douchebags.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

The Great Debate - It's Raining Men or How I've Learned to Accept My Inner Gayness

The Indigo Girls
Scott Thompson
Ellen Degeneres
Mike Greenburg
Jeff Garcia

They all want to get married legally. So what's all the hubbub? Why can't they and should they? Ahh the great debate of ghey marraige. John-O broke his silence(finally)and spoke his peace while reviewing bat shit insano's (Penn's) new movie Milk. I guaranfuckingtee you this will win best picture and best actor (ugh!). I refuse to see the movie, no, not because I hate gays. I just hate Penn with a passion because he's a total fucking, hypocritical a-hole and mentally unstable to boot. So I decided to read up on the actual person Harvey Milk. To tell you the truth, I was bored. Inspirational? Sure (especially coming out during those times) but really lost on me because I'm not gay, that and I'm totally fucking jaded. Now before I delve into the hot topic of Adam and Steve (or Eve and ahhh Carol?) tying the knot I would like to show this little ditty.

Kind of funny, though I think Jack Black and Margeret Cho are complete wastes of space. I take offense of it a little because they insinuate that all practicing Christians are against gay marriage. I love liberals, not all Muslims are terrorists but all Christians are homophobes and dumber than hell. Fuck you douches, I got a 510 total on my SATs, that is not dumb. Besides, Muslims are not exactly tolerant of gays. I've read many articles of gay men and women reciting how homophobic Muslims are, Chris Crain can tell you that first hand.


Why they should Marry: It's pretty much a fundamental right, isn't it? You can argue and argue but in the end (pun intended) it's pretty stupid that they shouldn't have the right to marry. It's the old joke, all gays should have the right to get half of their shit taken away. In the immortal words of Otto from A Fish Called Wanda, "Pork away pal, fuck her blue." That made no sense, but if and when gays do have the right do not, I repeat, do not come crying back to me when you realize how hard it is to be married, and how much of a commitment it really is because I don't want to hear it. Why you would come crying back to me, I don't know, but you get my point. You buttered you bread and now you got to lay in it. As one comedian said, where there's gay marriage, there's gay divorce. Just think of the billable hours the attorneys will collect settling gay divorces. But I've also seen first hand how gay couple's rights are taken away when their partner is sick in the hospital. Next of kin only, their partner, who they love and cherish and have taken care of all these years are out of the picture in place of family members who couldn't give a shit about them. That's wrong IMHO.


Think of the money spent on lavish weddings by the guys from Queer Eye. That helps the economy! Ok, I don't know how 10% of the U.S. population getting married will actually help the economy but you get my point.....again. Christ I'm rambling.

Why They Shouldn't: Cannot think of a good reason. Maybe someone else can. BUT, I do think it's someones right to be against gay marriage. Call it homophobia call it what you will but someone can object to someones lifestyle as long as they are not intruding on their rights. See? I just talked myself out of this because not allowing them to marry is against their rights.

Obama: It wouldn't be me without ragging on John-O for his ultra liberal views (channeling my inner Rush Limbaugh to his inner Olbermann) but Barack's stance on gay marriage is a little surprising. He's against gay "marriage", but he's for Civil Unions. Alright, not exactly surprising but seriously, old Democrats and Clinton people? That's our "change"? Plus he's backing away from almost all his campaign promises and he's NOT EVEN IN FUCKING OFFICE YET!! Except for the environmental one, which I think is hilarious. 1.4 Billion to turn blue collar jobs into green collar jobs, without an explanation of how or explaining how he will come up with the money to pay for it. Love it.

Anyways, this was a shitty post but you get my point. I'm personally against prohibiting gays to marry, shocker since I'm a half assed Republican and a Christian. What about you smucks? What do you think?

Sunday, November 30, 2008

The NFL Round Down

Matt Leinart...Drunk Quaterback

I'm tripping balls right now, ok, a little abbreviated but I thought I would bore the shit out of you with some drunken meandering NFL thoughts.

Colts 10 Browns 6

I actually didn't start watching this game until midway through the 3rd quarter and it looked like I didn't miss shit. Boring as hell game with one highlight, Robert Mathis rumbling and stumbling for a touchdown after a nice Dwight Freeney slap fumble. Then Mathis, again, knocking out DA for the year with a sack near the end. Now Browns fan have someone else to bitch about on the Colts other than Jim Sorgi. Bitter Browns fan. Mention the fumble...oh well. Mention the drive...meh. Mention Bill Belichek...who? Mention Art Modell....ok, a little hatred comes out but mention Jim fucking meltdown. The Colts are on a roll, but beware of the Lions, seriously, there is nothing more dangerous than a winless team this late in the year. Ask the Ravens of last year.

White People, I mean, European American Running Backs Unite!

Peyton Hillis of the Broncos final line: 22 carries 129 yards rushing 1 TD. The running back from Arkansas lit up the Jets with his fine Larry Czonka-esque (the only white running back I could think of) running style. And he's totally white, no one brought this up during the telecast. I can be proud of my race dammit. That was fucking awesome! My new fav running back!

The Giants Are Good

Even after their star wide receiver shot himself in the leg (fucker is lucky it missed the femoral) the G men went out and smoked the Redskins.

The Pats

Will the real Matt Cassel please stand the fuck up. Two weeks in a row he threw for 400 bills and shitloads of touches. Then this week he through (dammit I'm drunk) threw for a buck fifty and 2 picks, I know that his wide receivers had the case of the dropsies but fuckin 'ell. I was going to write a shitty post that maybe Thom Brady isn't all that great and that Belecheck's system makes a mediocre quarterback great, but maybe Brady is that good, and handsome. He still has a butt for a chin though. I knew that the Steelers were going to play Patriot Pat tough due to the embarrassing lost last year but 30 unanswered points? Fuck me man. Maybe the Pat's D is old as hell.


Brett Favre turned into the Brett we all know and love by throwing passes that even a rook wouldn't think about tossing. The Broncos, who have a D made a swiss cheese, dominated the Jets at the Medowlands. The gay part of Mike and Mike in the morning are pretty pissed right now, or soaking in the tub and getting a manicure to cope with today's debacle

How 'bout them overrated Cowboys!

Seriously, don't starting sucking each others dicks just yet if your a Cowboys fan, the boys can be easily exposed just like Mike Singaltary during halftime. I'm just not sold, you rattle Tony Romo and he's shit for a quarterback. You hit Terrel Owens hard enough and he grows alligator arms.

Who's the MVP of this year?

John-O ran a poll asking who is the MVP of this year. I can't remember exactly who he put, he took it down, so I'll go from my whiskey soaked memory...

Kurt Warner? Good pick, but put them on the east coast and he folds.
Adrian Peterson? Another good pick, I would put him up there. I mean shit, they have Gus Ferret at quarterback for fuck sakes. Yes, I know I spelled his name wong, that was on porpoise.

I can't remember the rest but I know I'm a homer, but I choose Manning. No, not Peyton (though I think that if he wasn't in the lineup the Colts would be 1-11 right now) the Manning of the Eli variety. I really think that he's the MVP this year. He's the glue that keeps the Giants gear running. 11-1 and all those distractions in that media market? MVP fuckos.

I'm passing out, I come.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Ohio St. V. Michigan - The 105th Edition

JIm Tressel's Vest - 42

Rich Rod's Tasty Tears - 7

Brutus the Buckeye was so tired of running around after Ohio St. scored that he literally dropped dead of exhaustion. That was a shitty joke. Anyways it looked like Michigan would make a contest of it but never got their shit together in the second half. Though I was pleased with the results of the game I really wasn't all that fired up about it considering Michigan has won 3 games and was beaten by the Akron Zips earlier in the year. They also lost to Notre Dame who just lost to Syracuse (aka: the shittiest team in New York state). Seriously, Michigan sucks this year, they will suck next year, and the next, they are the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked. Their recruiting class looks like a bunch cast offs, deadbeats and the worse kind of athlete....white. They look like the cast of Nessesary Roughness, except I laughed harder at the Michigan team then I did at the movie, and I like the movie (don't you dare fucking judge me!). In the end the Buckeyes were better in every facet of the game, including dick size. Don't ask me how I know. But it was a big let down this year considering how bad Michigan was and the fact that Ohio St completely dissapeared during the big games (Penn St and the 4th NFL team in California). Ah well, a win is a win. Well, at least my 4 month old liked it, he only spit up 2 times during the game, less then his usual 10.

Nolden Gomers - 23

Syracuse Shits - 24

Chuckles Weis and his turtleneck pants were completely out coached and out played by a unbelievably inferior team. No matter how you slice it Notre Dame sucks for the long haul, and if I were them I wouldn't fire ol' Chuckles. If memory serves me correctly he was the fifth choice to take the helm after Willingham's fortunate firing (hey, he's like Herm Edwards, great guy shitty coach). Who would they get to replace him? Regis? You can only get worse not better if you fire him.

Pudue Train School - Shitloads

Indiana Hosers - Shitloads Less

Ugh. Ugly game. I clicked over during the tOSU v. Wolvy game. Every time I clicked back Purdue scored, it was like the Hoosiers didn't have a defense. Thus ends an ugly year for Indiana football, and it won't get any better in basketball unless Jimmy Chitwood decides to come back.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Are The Colts.....Back?

I'm cautiously optimistic about the recent 3 game win streak of your Indianapolis Colts. After losing miserably to the Packers I pretty much wrote them off and started paying more attention to the Pacers, then I started paying more attention to what the Yankees were doing. The next games after the Packers; New England (always tough), at Pittsburgh (outdoors, tough D) and then Houston who pretty much had us dead to rights the last game. Pretty tough stretch which I figured they would lose at least 2 if not the whole lot. But then they drag me back in and rattle off 3 wins in a row. The offense is looking more like the juggernaut of old even though Marvin Harrison is a shell of his former self. The D is back to it's ol' bend don't break mentality and even toughed it out (hey, it was good for them) without Bob Sanders against Houston.

I actually got to attend the Pats game and even though my seats were so high Sputnik bounced off my head I saw the Colts practically play flawless football. No turnovers, no sacks given up, few penalties. I know they were lucky that Gaffney forgot how to catch a ball at one point that would have led to six, but still, they played great. They were also lucky that the genius Bill Belechek had a couple of brain farts that cost them the game. They did the same against the Steelers, almost flawless football. Houston? Well, not so much but a win is a win.

I would like to welcome back Addai and the Colts running game, good to have you back guy, this will make the passing game soo much easier.

The Colts have a tough road ahead and they practically have to win out to make a wildcard spot but damnit all I'm optimistic.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

I Miss Mike Vanderjagt...

I really do. I sometimes wonder what that stud from Oakville, Ontario, Canada is up since his ummm...amicable separation from the Colts. Is he dreaming about making it back to the NFL? Or is he just hanging out in Canada doing what every Canadian does when they are bored, drinking Elsnore beer and watching old episodes of SCTV. The good ones, not the ones without Jon Candy. I know he's employed and kicking for the Toronto Arganauts, or however the fuck you spell that word, but that doesn't count. That's the CFL, about 2 levels below the Arena Football League and about 1/2 level above Major League Soccer. Poor Mike, the most accurate kicker in the NFL, replaced by the magical elf we call Adam Vinatieri. Just sad.

So what if was a liquored up kicker who shot off his mouth during Canadian TV interwiews. He was OUR liquored up kicker who shot off his mouth during Canadian TV interviews. Soooo he was a ego-maniac that used to tuck dollar bills under his wrist bands because he was money. So he used to shank kicks when it really counted (and a few time when it didn't). Sooooo he used to taunt apposing teams before kicking game winning field goals. And soooo he actually did taunt a team in the playoffs(Pittsburgh) before shanking a kick so bad that it's still rolling down Capitol Avenue like a tumbleweed in the desert. So he pissed off a future hall of fame quarterback so bad that he has no shot of ever sniffing the prosperous fields of the NFL ever again. He deserves another chance. If Michael Vick can kill dogs, break federal law, go to jail and deserve a second chance so does Mike.

We miss you Mike. Don't' get too drunk, we might be calling you again soon, Jim Sorgi is getting less and less cute by the day.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

The Great Debate - The Best Adult Cartoon Of All Time

Which Adult, and I mean non-pornographic, cartoon is the best of all time? The Simpsons, Family Guy or South Park? This isn't as easy as it sounds because I know the majority of you, all 2, are already giving The Simpsons the award. But as Lee Corso says on ESPN, "shut the fuck up, my friends!" Or something like that. But I'm going to break it down beyond scientific and deem one of the these cartoons the best of all time.

The Best of the Best - Simpsons, Family Guy, South Park.


Simpsons - Though minuscule elements of The Flintones show up sometimes by and large the Simpsons are very original. The town, the people, the episodes all very original.

Family Guy - Unfortunately there have been accusations from many, including the creators of Simpsons, that Family Guy has "borrowed" many elements and themes from The Simpsons. I read that Seth McFarlane will run for Vice President someday. Anyways maybe this video will convince you.

Or maybe this pic..

South Park - Very original and groundbreaking. But, if it weren't for the Simpsons they would not have ever gotten on the air. They also did an episode paying homage to the Simpsons basically saying that the Simpsons have done everything and it's hard as hell to come up with ideas every week.

Winner: Simpsons

That Creamy Middle - The Classic Episodes

During a show's run there are episodes that are not as crappy as the first season and run a coarse of classics, then take a dip in quality. These 3 shows are no different. Or are they? Though I would venture to say Perfect Strangers was never shitty, ever.

Simpsons - 1992 - 2001. I'm being pretty generous with this but during these 10 seasons The Simpsons had nary a crappy episode. Maybe a downer or two but never completely shitty. After 2002 the quality of the jokes took a dip, then nosedived after 2004. Right now it's pretty close to unwatchable.

Family Guy - 1999 - 2003, 2005 - 2007. Even though Family Guy does that annoying flashback thing so much that it starts to take away from the quality of the show it is still enjoyable as hell. Well, at least until this season. I was going to hold judgement until a couple of episodes in but Family Guy season 7 has been pretty disappointing, bordering on complete crap. The episode tagged "I Dream Of Jesus" was pretty funny but all other have been crap even the highly anticipated Stewie and Brian adventure episode. I think Family Guy has finally jumped the shark.

South Park - 1997 - present. I was wavering on this for a while but really there was never a season where I didn't think South Park was hilarious. Every time they make a so so episode they always come back strong. This new season is no different. Breast Cancer show was pretty boring but Pandemic 1 and 2 was funny as hell. Plus the new "About Last Night..." episode was fucking hilarious.

Winner: South Park

Characters - () denotes crappy and/or unfunny character, bold denotes great character.

Simpsons - Homer, Marge, Bart, Lisa(), Maggie, Chief Wiggum, Moe, Carl, Lenny, Mr. Burns, Smithers, Comic Book Guy, Kent Brockman, Milhouse, Otto, Principal Skinner.

Family Guy - Peter, Lois, Stewie, Brian, Chris(), Meg, Cleveland, Quagmire, Joe, Loretta(), Bonnie, Mort, Mort's wife and kid.

South Park - Cartman, Kyle, Stan, Kenny, Stan's family, Kyle's family, Mr. Garrison, Barbrady, Mr. Slave, Big Gay Al

Winner: South Park - I just like the South Park characters a lot more plus they poke fun at themselves for having one black character naming him Token.

Who They Poke Fun Of

Simpsons - It used to be everyone until about 2000, then they started down the road of only poking fun of Christians and Republicans. Since they have so many celebrity guests they have to keep them happy. Well, most celebrities are liberal douchebags so they can only make fun of Christians and Republicans.

Family Guy - Creator Seth McFarlane is from Boston, so it's pretty much law out there that you have to be liberal. So they pretty much only make fun of, you got it, Christians (more specifically Catholics) and Republicans. It definitely doesn't take away from the show, obviously I think it's funny as hell though I would have to say that the McCain/Palin button on the Nazi uniform was a tad overboard.

South Park - Everyone and everything which is why I like them so gosh darn much. They even had the balls to go after the very sue happy scientologists and (gasp) Muslims. I'll never understand why hard core liberals never say anything about extreme Muslims. Isn't it awful what's going on in Darfur? Yep, extreme Muslims. Oh it's awful what's going on in China. Again, extreme Muslims. And that whole thing going on in Singapore? Wow. Yep, you got it, extreme Muslims.

Winner: South Park

Main Characters

Simpsons - The Simpson family, a fat, drunk guy, a precocious 10 year old, a know-it-all very annoying 8 year old, a cute baby that doesn't speak and a sexy housewife.

Family Guy - A fat, drunk guy, a dumb 16 year old, an annoying 17 year old, a sexy housewife, a diabolical (and closet homosexual) baby and a know-it-all dog with an extreme drinking problem that somehow owns a Prius even though he has no job or means of support.

South Park - 4 8 year olds with potty mouths.

Winner: Simpsons by a hair.

The Movies

Simpsons (2006) - Pretty damn close to unwatchable and horrifically unfunny. You would think that any movie that "kills" off Green Day would be awesome but it wasn't. The corners of my mouths went nowhere near up. I turned it off halfway through completely disappointed. The sad thing was, I was drinking and it still wasn't funny.

Family Guy (2005) - Technically they didn't have a theatrical release but they did have a DVD movie. Pretty funny, especially in the beginning, but it started to teeter off in the last 30 minutes. Still enjoyable.

South Park (1999) - I never laughed so hard in my life in a movie theater. I was in a half crowded theater and the laughter was so loud it sounded like it was sold out. I didn't hear half the punch lines because everyone was hysterical. Probably in my top 10 movies of all time list, if I had one.

Winner: South Park

The Winner - To me it's South Park by a hair over the Simpsons. South Park is still relevent and funny as hell. Unfortunately I can't say the same about the other two. I know it's bad when I look forward more to American Dad than I do Family Guy or Simpsons. What do you douchebags think?

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Phillies V. Rays - Worst. World. Series. Ever.

In Terms Of Ratings Anyways

I love baseball, no matter who's playing I keep paying attention 'till the end. My Yankees are staring down years of mediocrity thanks to shitty (or no) drafting and spending shitloads of money on crap free agents (Kevin Brown, Pavano, Sheffield, Damon, Giambi-past 2005 anyways). And then there are the Cubs.......


Let's move on....

The Phillies are going back to the world series, the last time they were there Mike Schmidt and Charley Hustle were sporting mustaches and awesome bowl haircuts. Their entry into this year's series is as surprising as the Giants going to Super Bowl last year. Ok, maybe not THAT surprising but they did have to go through L.A. Ok, it really isn't that surprising given the fact that the Cubs would have found a way to fuck it up. Note to Cub officials: In the future, do not let Eddie Vedder write a song about going all the way until AFTER the playoffs are over. And do not, I repeat, do not let a priest bless the Cub's dugout. I don't think god gives a rat's ass who wins a playoff series. Anyways, I think the Phillies have no shot. Whoever won the A.L was going to win it all no matter what. Home field advantage, better teams. The Phils been sitting around waiting for their opponent for too long, and they still have to wait until Wednesday night to start playing. As the old saying goes, idle hands means more free time on the genitals, and you know how much god hates that. Plus the Phillies are starting Brett (boom...outta here) Myers. They are fucked my friends.

The Rays. The fucking Tampa Bay (formerly Devil) Rays. I really thought for sure after Boston came back on them in game 5 I it was over, it seemed Boston winning the next 3 games was merely a formality. Boston does this shit all the time, completely implode for the first four games then do the annoying don't die never give up rallies that crush the spirit of their foes. Not this year. I have to say Madden did a great job juggling his bullpen tonight in a very tense and tight game after completely fucking up game 5 where he had the game in hand. Congrats to the Rays for doing something in 11 years that the Cubs could not do in a 100. Boston has some decisions to make in the off season. Varitek is old, Papi is not his former self, Beckett is a douche, Pappelbon looks like a date rapist, and Youkalis needs to grow hair with his fucking beard. Seriously, you look like you have a chinstrap with no helmet. I know the last three have no bearing on the Sox's future but they really annoy the fuck out of me. I think the biggest reason they didn't win it all this year was evident, no Manny. I was surprised they traded him away. When Manny went Manny and pushed down a 90 year old traveling secretary someone from the front office came down and chastised the ancient man for getting the way of Manny's thrusting hand. But baby needed his bottle, he wanted out. Good riddance....oops. No more timely home run hitting, it was wasted on the Dodgers. And that's why Boston lost. Not because Beckett was injured, not because Lester kind of sucks now and again, not because Pedrora (sp?) looks like an unformed fetus. Nope, Manny wasn't there to bail you out. Well, at least there will be none of this shit this year:

So on to the World Series. I will be watching, but I'm afraid no one else will be. I guess this is why Stern rigs NBA finals to make sure the big market teams make it. That's not the way it flies in the MLB, teams actually have to win without the aid of officials (cough....Jeffrey Maier).

Note: I just realized that the Phillies made it to the Series back in '93. How in the hell could I forget Wild Thing Williams giving it up to Joe Carter? Oh wait, I was in high school and I was too busy trying to "score" and air drumming to ELP and Rush all day.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

The Great Debate - Ahhhhh Who Gives A Shit?

Which potential...ummmm..."presidential" candidate won the debate? I didn't watch it because The Godfather did a great job breaking it down for me and my half assed Republican ways. But all debates look like this to me.

One question. I had no idea Obama sounds like Bush without a teleprompter, why isn't this ever brought up on news channels other than Fox?

I know it's really no big deal, but Democrats, well hard core liberals anyway always harp on how Bush sounds like a retard. Well, so does Obama.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

The Great Debate - Rush

Should Rush Be In The Rock n' Roll Hall Of Fame?

Once again Rush has been passed over for induction into the Rock n' Roll Hall Of Fame for this year. This has been an on going thing for Rush fans (except me, more on that later) since 1999 when they were first eligible , there is even an online petition to sign to get them in. But some of the higher ups in the HOF, who don't even play instruments or have ever been in a band, have publicly said that as long as they are around Rush will never get in. Why? Because according to them they have never made an impact or have had a significant contribution to Rock. But Blondie is in for fuck sakes. Have you ever heard anyone in music say, "Yeah man, I was heavily influenced by Blondie?" Yeah, me neither. But many musicians, like Metallica who got in this year, have cited Rush as a main influence. After all, Geddy Lee's bass is in the hall, why not the rest of the band? Shouldn't we celebrate Rush who have a shitload of gold and platinum albums to their credit? Who are fine tuned musicians that are the best, or nearly the best, on their instruments? Who are the authors of very complex yet rocking tunes? I know Neil can get really heavy handed and come off like a egotistical a-hole with his lyrics sometimes (especially Snakes and Arrows) but come on. Should these dudes who have been around my entire life (not an exaggeration, 30+ years) cranking out albums and great concerts be recognized?

No, I don't, here's why. The very essence of rock n' roll is to be a renegade, an outsider, to give a nice, healthy middle finger to conformity. Now the same douchebags who got high, went to Woodstock and influenced a generation of stupid kids to say fuck you to authority are now the authority on who should be in their snobby, cheese eating, champagne drinking, $2500/plate club. What the fuck? Have you ever seen the ceremonies? Not very rock n' roll, it looks like a political fund raiser with a bunch of dinosaurs on stage desperately trying to play music and act young (I saw The Police last year). As a matter of fact, I'm not alone in this The Sex Pistols sent a nice fuck you letter to the HOF back in 2006 when they were nominated. Now that's rock n' roll baby, well actually punk. Plus I really hate the HOF. It was basically set up by hippies to recognize hippies (Beatles, Rolling Stone, Jimi Hendrix, etc.) from the 60's but found themselves in a mess when they realized they had to keep going and keep inducting bands. What's going to happen when they continue through the 80's? Induct Bon fucking Jovi? Nirvana is the only given that will be the next big thing and were around barely 5 years and they weren't even that talented. Hell, I would nominate them as a crappy rock band.

So that's it, the great debate. Should Rush be in the Rock n' Roll Hall Of Fame?

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Goodbye, Yankee Stadium

The Yanks played their last game tonight at the old stadium. I have never actually been inside the stadium though I've seen it from the outside a couple of times when my brother attended the Merchant Marine Academy (the un-armed force) in Long Island. I serioulsy regret not being able to get out there to actually see a game from the first team I ever remember rooting for as a kid. But hey, all good things must come to an end and I say a fond farewell to Yankee Stadium. The first series I remember as a kid was the 1981 world series where a pudgy rookie named Fernado Valenzuela stymied the Yanks. I pretty much suffered through the 80's with the Yanks always finishing second (or third) to Boston, Detroit or Toronto. Of course, there was the late 90's and early 00's Championships from the likes of Bernie Williams, Paul O'Neil, Andy Pettite, Mariano Rivera and the captain, the biggest man crush I've ever had, Derek Jeter. From David Cone's and David Wells' perfect games, to the shocking world series win against Atlanta in '96, to Derek Jeter's hustle, to Jim Leryrit's top of the sixth shocking homer off Wohlers in '96, to Bernie Williams bambi like trot, to Paul O'Neil's bright, red ass urging the Yankees on, to Mo Rivera shutting it down in the ninth. There are just too many memories to rip through. I actually think ESPN did a fantastic job covering the last game tonight. Even though they are complete Boston homers they did a fabulous job and I commend them. It was kind of cool to see Babe Ruth's granddaughter to toss out the first pitch, to hear the legendary announcer Bob Sheppard belting out the starting lineup, to hear Frank Sinatra's New York, New York, and of course, to hear The Captain's last message to the faithful crowd. Goodbye, Yankee Stadium, she sure stinks like hell but I'll miss her, like all my girlfriends (Farva!)

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

My Top 10 Favorite Guitarists Of All Time

Before I began I would like to explain that this won't be the conventional top guitarists of all time list. You won't see the usual suspects like Jeff Beck, Clapton, Hendricks, Vaughn or anyone like that. These are the guitarists I've always enjoyed over the years that I feel are overlooked. Maybe because they weren't active in the 60's and 70's, maybe because they were over shadowed by their band mates, or maybe because they actually suck. Anyways....

10) Johnny Marr - The Smiths, Johnny Marr and the Healers - The Smiths are one of those bands where the band mates hated each other immensely but still managed to crank out great tunes. Things were so bad between Morrissey and Marr (hell Morrissey hates everyone but himself) that they broke up right after recording their last album, Strangeways Here We Come. Marr's guitar always stood out, even more than Morrissey's vocals.

9) Josh Homme - Queens of the Stone Age - I've touched on QOTSA before, Homme, I think, is a great guitarist, his extended live jams are great. Sure he hits the bong and pills and booze more than he really should, but he's still tops in my book.

8) David Gilmour - Pink Floyd - I really didn't get into Floyd until Division Bell, blasphemy I know, but Gilmour's guitar is expressive and smooth, just like me baby. (awkward silence).

7) Vernon Reid - Living Colour - Just shreds the guitar. Very talented and very egotistical. Aren't they all? I was sold after hearing Cult of Personality.

6) J. Mascis - Dinosaur, Jr. - Complete freak of nature in terms of talent and appearance. I once heard a bootleg tape of J. completely drunk off his ass go on stage for open mic night at a trendy bar somewhere on the east coast and basically play 5 new songs right on the spot on the acoustic guitar. I kept thinking this was bullshit but apparently it happened that way. Good to see Dinosaur, Jr. come back with new material this year.

5) Pete Townsend - The Who - The brains behind The Who that, until recently, was always looked over as a great guitarist. His acoustic prowess is what impresses me more than anything. I still get goose bumps when I hear the opening of Pinball Wizard. Of course, I also get goose bumps when Is There Something I Should Know by Duran Duran comes on.

4) Eric Johnson - Solo - Just an unbelievably talented guitarist. He came on the scene in Texas at the tender age of 15 hot licking blues around the Austin bar scene. He never really hit the big time and really never became a household name just because his music is really an acquired taste, and a lot of people don't like that taste, including all of my girlfriends. I have to credit 92.3 for turning me on to Eric, they played Cliffs Of Dover non stop waaaay back in 1990.

3) Alex Lifeson - Rush - I always find it weird Lifeson never gets (fuck I hate that word), but he doesn't. Spirit of Radio is one hell of a lick and before Rush started introducing moogs to their repertoire Alex was the one leading the band. I personally think he's talented as hell but since Rolling Stone or the Rock and Roll Hall Of Fame doesn't (pretty much the same thing) I guess I'm wrong.

2) Bob Mould - Husker Du/Sugar - Probably the loudest guitar I've ever heard and he's talented as hell. Divide and Conquer is a great tune.

1) Andy Summers - The Police - He couldn't write any songs worth a damn but he is a great guitarist in my book. Sting and Stewart Copeland were the ones getting all the accolades, well Sting really, but Andy always seemed to be left in the cold. I like his style and he is the first guitarist I ever liked. Sting pretty much was a douche to him his entire career.

Classic Guitarist I Actually Like

Jimi Hendrick
Jimmy Paige
Eric Clapton - with Cream only, not big on his solo stuff
Duane Allman
Jon Petrucci

Friday, September 12, 2008

Those Were The Days.....

From left to right: Prime Mover, Mike, Godfather. Seated: John-O, Matt

Coming home from work I either listen to Steve Czaben, Mike and Mike or Man-Cow. I kept it on Man-Cow for some reason, maybe it's his Libertarian sensibilities or the fact that he rips everyone, including Obama. Anyways he did a time capsule for 1992's MTV video awards. You guys remember videos right? I guess Van Halen opened up the show playing Right Now, Elton John sang some gay ass song next then Guns n' Roses played November Rain with his gayness banging on the keys. Just goes to show how far we have fallen since Britney Spears won awards at this year's show. Pretty fucking pathetic. No one knows how to play an actual instrument anymore and rock has been delegated to VH-1 classic. The only semblance of rock is now played by 20 year old kids with skinny jeans, shitty hair, and are in touch with their feelings. I miss the old days. Hell, I even miss Poison.

Friday, September 5, 2008

Obama's Tax Plan

If this article is true then I won't bother with my 401k at work and I'll start stock piling Raman Noodles and Diet Coke. Great Stalin's ghost. I thought Obama wanted to help the working man and women and bring peace and prosperity to America where Bush/Cheney took it away. How in the holy hell will this help us?

Sunday, August 31, 2008

It's Football Season!

Mid America Sports is back in action. Just click the link on the right. Let's start talking sports yo!

Saturday, August 30, 2008

92.3 The New 94.7?

On Tuesday night going to work I actually heard one of my favorite songs of all time from The Who...Slip Kid, I have never heard anything from The Who before on 92.3. I know their favorite group Pearl Jam cites The Who as one of their main influences but I seriously have never heard note one from Pete Townsend's main source of income for child porn before. Anyways..the next day on way way to work I actually heard Led Zeppelin Kashmir. Led fucking Zeppelin. I actually had to hit the recall button a couple of times to make sure I was on the right station. Has 94.7 infiltrated our favorite hippies from the south? Please say it ain't so.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Movies I Was Pleasantly Surprised With

There are some movies that I really just don't want to see, I have no interest, they look really lame, or they star director/writers/actors that I don't care for. The following movies are the ones I was pleasantly surprised with.

Rules of Attraction (2002)

Why I Didn't want to see it: After seeing American Psycho I immediatley wanted to take a shower, then I was afraid that Patrick Bateman would storm into my bathroom and fillet me like a hooker. I didn't take a shower for a couple of days. I put two and two together and realized the same author who wrote American Psycho wrote Rules of Attraction starring James Van Der Beek (Don't have the effort to look up the correct spelling of his name) which is another reason I didn't want to see it.

Why I Was Pleasantly Surprised: The acting of the cast including Sean Bateman (there, I'll just use his character name)was top notch. I was pretty shocked that the same lame ass that starred in Dawson's Creek where he stares across a creek for hours on end wondering if he should have pulled out did a bang up job as a self absorbed trust fund drunk/druggie a-hole. Not only that, there is something about watching rich people self destruct, it's hypnotizing. The script was also great, I was amused by the little one liners thrown about. Not only that it's one of those movies where the auxillary characters (Richard, I mean Dick) are pretty amusing and/or scary as hell.

Funny Note: Fred Savage's brother plays a junkie a little toooo well.

Oscar Worthy IMHO: Naw, but still pretty good.

Eastern Promises (2006)

Why I Didn't Want To See It: I promised myself after sitting through Return of the King that I would never see another Viggo Mortensen movie ever again. The guy is so method it's creepy, I wonder if he went home after shooting was done to hump his sword. But after he started tea bagging the U.N. and using simplistic slogans for complex world issues like: "No blood for oil" I really started getting annoyed with him.

Why I Was Pleasantly Surprised: He was the second best thing in the movie. His acting was phenominal (Oscar nod anyone? Did he get one? I didn't watch the Oscars too intently this year) and I was even able to keep down the 10 beers I consumed during the bath house knife fight scene (he was buck naked with his wee wee flopping around like a wind sock). But the movie centered around something near and dear to my heart, the mob. I know the mob sucks and they are scum but man are they interesting (See: Henry Hill, Lefty Rosenthal). But he portrays a Russian mobster, IN LONDON. So all my bases were covered, takes place in London (big british film fan), about mobsters (tight!), Russian mobsters (tighter!), great script (euphoria!), great directing (I need a cigarette).

Funny Note: John-O's review of the movie actually got me to see it. Though I don't think this country sucks, too bad.

Oscar Worthy IMHO: Absolutely.

Clerks II (2006)

Why I Didn't Want To See It: Exhibit 1) Jersey Girl, Exhibit 2) Dogma, Exhibit 3) The last half of Chasing Amy. Kevin Smith really went downhill after Chasing Amy (redeemed himself a little with Jay and Silent Bob strike back, kinda). His special little nerd gen x apathy magic seemed to run out since he now owns half of Jersey, the other half being owned by Bruce Springstein. Clerks II seemed to be his way of cashing in on his former success, like his heros George Lucas and Steven Speilburg.

Why I Was Pleasantly Surprised: Smith stuck with the formula that made Clerks successful, all Randall all the time, with only limited amounts of Jay and Silent Bob and a shitload of juvenile humor. Though it was hard for me to imagine anyone looking like Dante could ever weasel his way into bed with anyone that looked like Rosario Dawson I thought the film was hilarious.

Oscar Worthy IMHO: Right.

Funny Note: I guess Jay is clean now.

No Country For Old Men (2006)

Why I Didn't Want To See It: After Oh Brother Where Art Thou the Coens went with Intolerable Cruelty (sucked) and a remake of a classic (The Lady Killers, which was so so). The Coens also got caught in the gravitational pull that is George Clooney which means any movie with him will ultimately suck, but the money is great. So I figured they were going the way of TMZ and leaving their quirky little movies behind.

Why I Was Pleasantly Surprised: Anton Chigurn is probably the best bad guy since Darth Vader, bolt statement I know plus what really stood out for me was the directing, almost flawless. Even Woody Harrelson was tolerable and there was no George Clooney in sight.

Oscar Worthy IMHO: Yes, thankfully it won, but Crash won last year which has me wondering if this is actually an honor anymore.

Funny Note: Burn After Reading looks really shitty.

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang (2005)

Why I DIdn't Want To See It: When people drop the smack as Robert Downey, Jr did they usually become awful or unfunny (see: Robin Williams, Miles Davis, Metallica, Chevy Chase, practically everyone). That and Val Kilmer looks pretty...odd, I mean, everyone ages but when someone from Hollywood ages it looks almost comical, like they think they can get away with drinking/drugging heavily and somehow botox and plastic surgery will make it better. In a few years I wonder if the corners of Val's lips will meet at the back of his head.

Why I was Pleasantly Surprised: Downey did a great job as did Kilmer. The script was very imaginative and the film is very self depricating, I wish more of Hollywood films were like this. I noticed that it didn't matter whether or not Downey trips balls he's still a great actor, though I thought Chaplin was a little heavy handed.

Oscar Worthy: Nah

Funny Note: Nothing really to note.

A Scanner Darkly (2005)

Why I Didn't Want To See It: I thought the rotoscoping thing would annoy the hell out of me, but it didn't. The movie also starred Woody Harrelson and Wynona Rider, both a huge pox on acting. I don't mind Keanu Reeves for some reason.

Why I Was Pleasantly Surprised: I should know that anything from a Philip K. Dick book is worth watching, with exception to Screamers.

Oscar Worthy: Maybe for Downey, Jr.

Funny Note: It took longer to animate (18 months) then it did to shoot (23 days)

Sunday, August 24, 2008

A Night At The Oil Can

I totally pulled a John-O, I took my camera to the opening of The Oil Can (Lucas Oil Stadium). Thanks to the Godfather giving me free duckets I got to peruse the stadium with other Colt fans, but I was the only one with a Gonzalez jersey. Anyways enjoy the photos.

The last time you'll see the floor this clean again. I like the cup holders and the seats actually could fit my fat ass just fine.

And god said "Let there be a meaningless preseason game!" The first time the dome is opened. You would have thought Jesus himself walked through the door, people were estatic, It was kind of loud.

Nice view with the dome open and Atari bad guy replica building in the background.

Insert Liberal or Conservative joke here.

Our boys in blue.

Definatley a step up from the RCA dome. A lot more family friendly and fan friendly. Wide open spaces and with the dome open you get a really nice, cool breeze. The beer is still really expensive and taste like making love in a canoe (fucking close to water) but it was a great experience. As for the game? We left midway through the second quarter. Steve, your new seat mates to your right, the chick doesn't shave her legs and the dude would not shut the fuck up.

Friday, August 22, 2008

Beating A Dead Horse (Natural Sun Cycles and Global Warming)

Thought this little youtube ditty was pretty interesting. Enjoy. Please be open minded even if your an Al Gore disciple.

Wow! I mean, wow! You mean your telling me that when the sun warms up the earth warms up? And when the sun cools down the earth cools down? What a motherfuckingballslappingtaintlickingjimsorgisucking concept! This must have been funded by Exxon or something.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Interesting Little Diddy.....

....About global warming. To quote Meatwat from Aqua Teen Hunger Force, "I found it interesting and edubecationous. I'm sure it's being crapped on by the IPCC as we speak.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Ranking The Rush Instrumentals

I read this little piece about groups that usually sing but have put out a good instrumental. They have some of the usual suspects, Led Zep (Moby Dick), The Who (The Ox), Fugazi (Brendan #1) and others. Actually Fugazi has done some great instrumentals over the years. But what surprised me was they actually listed Rush at #3 early in the list for YYZ. Knock me over with a Friggen feather. A lefty site giving Rush love. Anyways it inspired me to list my fav Rush Instrumentals.

(Note, I'm not counting 2112 or Hemispheres because they are technically part of the song/story, I'm just listing the stand alones. Also Cygnus X-1 technically had words to the music in the beginning).

In Order......

8) Hope - Snakes and Arrows. Just Alex, but still kind of enjoyable if I'm IN THE MOOD. Tee hee.

7) Limbo - Test For Echo. John-O said it right the other day, Test For Echo REALLY sounds like it came out of the late 90's. I still like this song though.

6) Where's My Thing (Part IV - Ganster of Boats Trilogy)- Roll The Bones. Reminds too much of high school for my liking but I still jam to this from time to time.

5) Leave That Thing Alone - Counterparts. I really like this song, probably one of my favorites from Counterparts.

4) Malignent Narcissism - Snakes and Arrows. One of the 3 instrumentals on S&A. It was actually an afterthought but it now intros Neil's drum solo on the S&A tour.

3) La Villa Strangiato - Hemispheres. The longest instrumental. Very long, very complex, very cool.

2) The Main Monkey Business - Snakes and Arrows. A song that actually made the Godfather a fan of Rush. It's that powerful my friends.

1) YYZ - Moving Pictures. The best by far in this group. I guess the beginning is morse code for YYZ which is the airport indentifier in Toronto. It's actually pronounced Y-Y-Zed. Oh the things you learn over the years.

Saturday, August 9, 2008

The Best (And Worst) Of Mental Handicapped Acting

There's an old saying, if you want an Oscar act retarded, I mean literally retarded. Playing a mentally challenged individual is not easy, there's preparation, clothing to be picked out, helmets to be tried on, mittens to be stapled to coats then recreating this in front of the camera with the film crew desperately trying not to laugh like hell. Here are the best and worst.

Leonardo DiCaprio - Arnie - What's Eating Gilbert Grape

Pretty much Leo's best role, seriously, everything else compared to this is complete crap. I don't care how good The Departed is Leo pegged the angst of a 16 year old handicapped boy who likes to decapitate bugs in mailboxes and climb water towers perfectly. When finding his morbidly obese mother dead, shit, sorry, SPOILER ALERT, Leo does a great job freaking out, hitting his head then cower to the corner like a horse seeing a shotgun.

The Mental Handicap Portrayed- The Indie Retard. The standard 3 year old speech, the hands, hitting his own head like a confused George Forman seeing himself in the mirror all kit and caboodle in the behavior patterns of a mentally challenged person in an indie film.

Rating: 3 out of 4

Cuba Gooding, Jr. - Radio - Radio

Standard check list before cameras rolled on Cuba. Jump up and down like a child? Check. Crappy clothes? Check. Yell out plays to the opposing team like a two year old on crack? Check. Run head first into a fence chasing a football? Check. This is pretty much Cuba's best role since, umm, errrr, oh that episode of MacGuyver.

The Mental Handicap Portrayed - Copycat Retard. Cuba really just imitated the real Radio, not much of a challenge there. Plus they are both black and bald, well, Cuba has 9/10Th of the role nailed already. Now if someone like Sidney Poitier did it? There's a movie.

Rating: 2 out of 4

Ed Norton - Jack - The Score

This was a challenge for Norton because he had to become normal to handicapped and back again at a drop of a hat. He's the inside man at a museum that houses a sceptre that he and Deniro want to steal which is, I guess, is worth like a hundred dollars (10,000 in Canadian dollars). So when he takes the persona of a mentally handicapped putz it's less likely the Canadian Mounties will suspect him once the shit goes down. Unfortunately he tries to dick over Mumbles DeNiro. Bad move.

The Mental Handicap portrayed - Secret Double Handicap With Catch Phrase. That right my friends we have the tripeca! Not only does he act like he has the brain of a five year old he also twitches his mouth and walks like I do after 20 beers, plus the hand and arm thing, then his own catch phrase, "Ok bye bye" (french kissing sound) Magnifiek! Unfortunately no academy awards came Norton's way for his efforts, so I hope his mouth and face didn't feel too sore after filming wrapped.

Rating: 3 1/2 out of 4

Unknown Actor - The Gimp - Pulp Fiction

Anyone dressed up in leather, put in chains and only brought out to play watch dog while his owners sodomize unwilling and unknowing suspects has to have some sort of mental handicap right? All the guy does is grunt for pete sakes! Plus, is that guy always on? I mean isn't there a time where he takes a time out and gets a cup of coffee and relax with Redfoot or does he just inhale leftover scraps in his cage like a crazed gorilla? The mind boggles.

The Mental Handicap Portrayed - The Gimp. The guy has his own category. I'm not sure if that is a mentally handicapped person, for all we know it could be a shaved gorilla underneath all that leather. I like how he freaks like Chim Chim losing her favorite kitten when Butch escapes.

Rating 2 out of 4

Juliet Lewis/GIavonni Rubisi - Carla Tate/Daniel McMann - The Other Sister

Giavonni already has that dazed look of a mentally handicap person and Juliet Lewis, I mean, c'mon too easy, they were born for this part. But as the title implies, The Other Sister, Juliet is meant to be seen and not heard and is a total embarrassment to her family. I guess there was some controversy when this movie came out with how Lewis and Rabissi portrayed handicapped people. I saw no problems with it except, well, they talk about sex. Which is about as awkward as Shaq shooting a free throw.

The Mental Handicap Portrayed - The Retarded Couple. Not since the president and first lady have two people portrayed a handicapped couple with such accuracy (there you go John-O, I bashed George W.) and grace. Too bad everyone thought this movie sucked hard core.

Rating: 1 out of 4

Dustin Hoffman - Raymond - Rain Man (The Best)

Here it is, the man, the legend, the old fuck that started it all, Dustin Hoffman. He wants to know when Wapner is on, he farts in rented undies AND he counts cards as easily as I get drunk and fall down. He may be WAY to old to be Tom Cruise's brother but who cares, he won an academy award before the academy started sucking.

The Mental Handicap Portrayed - Autism. Autism has almost knocked out global warming, I mean, climate change as celebrities' number 1 concern so it's a big deal. But that's be clear Raymond could do what comes naturally that took a bunch of Asian kids from MTI years to master in the casinos, counting cards. Hats off Ray!

Rating: 5 out of 4

Sean Penn - Sam Dawson - I Am Sam (the Worst)

Let's see, a mentally handicapped dude works at Starbucks, I'll say that again STARBUCKS, has a kid AND has an apartment in L.A. Every starving artist take note you can work at Starbucks and have a decent apartment. Anyhoo he has his kid taken away only because he's retarded (assholes) which leads to the worse exchange in cinematic history:

Sam: I need a lawyer to get back my kid.
Lawyer: I'll do it pro bono.
Sam: Pro bono! I can't afford pro bono!
Lawyer: No, pro bono means free.
Sam: I can afford pro bono!? (starts jumping around like baby huey) Pro bono!!!

Awful, just awful. I wonder if any handicapped person actually sued Penn and the maker of this movie.

Then this exchange with his daughter.

Sam: You've grown.
Lucy: Have I?
Sam: Yeah, 'cause your ears are bigger and your eyes are older.

Fuck me man! If I ever uttered that in the presence of my wife to one of my sons she has every right to divorce me and/or kick me in the nuts.

The Mental Handicap Portrayed - Blatant Oscar grabbing handicap - Penn introduced Pearl Jam for the VH1 rock honors for The Who. He mentioned that The Who never sold out, like him and Pearl Jam. Ok, 1) Don't forget that Pearl Jam fought Ticketbastard then relented when they realized that they weren't getting as much money as before so Eddie Vedder couldn't buy his designer markers to write shit on his arm like: "I'm a douche" and "Peace" or whatever the fuck he writes and aren't they on a major record label? And 2) Penn seems to have amnesia because he forgets he did this movie (STARBUCKS!). I don't know what selling out is but it's pretty fucking close to this movie.

Rating: negative infinity out of 4

Corky - Corky - Life Goes On

I can't make fun of my boy Corky so this will be brief

The Mental Handicap Portrayed - Down Syndrome with Beatles Music - Poor Corky realized he was slow when he couldn't solve a simple high school algebra equation. I had the exact same look on my face when I was faced with the same equation in 9th grade. P.S. I flunked that class miserably. So guess what? I'm retarded too and I happy to admit it.

Rating: I'm seriously going to hell for this.

Sunday, July 27, 2008

He Sure Is Green....(sneezing sound) Bullshit!

Even after the green overhaul. Al Gore, our boy, continues to be a hypocrite. Read it here. Please don't give me that crap that his office is located in his home. I mean seriously, if you burn that much energy your office must be lit 24/7.

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Rush! Rush! Rush! Rush!

I have no idea if any of you bums made it out to a pretty fucking cool show but me and the Godfather ventured out to Deer Crack to see the best band ever blister through a 3 plus hour set. But if none of you dudes were cool enough to come out with me and Godfather then fear not, my drunken review will break it all down.

In The Beginning: Noticed a lot of young dudes with their dads. It made me feel really old that these kids weren't even a twinkle in their dad's eye when I first saw Rush live on June 12, 1990, Hampton Coliseum, Hampton, VA. Of course I was only 15 at the time but still, I felt really old. And it isn't because my balls are starting to hang down lower and I'm starting to look like a great dane walking away or the fact that I fall asleep while masturbating now and I only wake up when I fart. Too much? Anyways it was pretty cool to see. Not my balls but the young guys with their dads. That last sentence doesn't look good.

Introductory Video: Funny as hell.

The Fellas: Looking good and spry as ever and loose. Being their last show of the tour Geddy and the boys were a little more talkative and in a silly mood. The drunk chicken was a plus.

Best (New) Songs: Main Monkey Business is fast becoming my favorite instrumental (behind YYZ and close, and I mean close behind La Villa). Sounded great live, even the monkeys screwing in the background made me laugh. Larger Bowl - Thanks to the concert I cozied up to this song a little more. John-O would have appreciated the bleeding heart liberal images during the song. The McKenzie brothers introducing the song was a major plus. Too bad Count Floyd was busy. Far Cry was great live I have to say. Spindrift, not bad, good song live. The Way The Wing Blows? Meh, still not big on this song. The Trees (not new I know) love Geddy's "improv" with the South Park/Family Guy/Simpson sound bites. Speaking of which......

South Park Intro to Tom Sawyer: Fucking hilarious.

The Old Reliables: Freewill, Limelight, Spirit of Radio, 2112 (with Temple of Syrinx!!!!!), Dreamline, Natural Science, Mission, The Analog Kid, Subdivisions. All sounded awesome.

A Little Surprising: Nothing older than 2112. So nothing from the first 3 albums. I was hoping for Fly By Night or at the very least By Tor and the Snow Dog.

Surprise Song: Ghost Of A Chance. This came out of left field. I honestly don't remember if they ever played this during their Roll The Bones tour. I'm thinking no.

Drum Solo: Unbelievable as usual. I take back my top ten list Neil Peart is the best rock drummer of all time. Here's why, John Bohnman, Keith Moon, all great drummers but they both only had 11 years and 13 years respectively on their resumes. Even before they died (may they rest in peace) their drumming quality dropped dramatically. Neil has been doing this for over 33 years now, still playing the same songs with the same intensity with absolutely no drop off anywhere. He even came back strong after his personal tragedy!!! Fuck it, he's the best. Plus he played for almost 3 hours at the age of 55!!!!!!! Chew on the Rolling Stone and The Rock and Roll Hall Of Fame you fucking aging hippie douchebags.

Fuck Ups: One. Alex decided to go faster when the rest of the band went slower. Alex immediatley starting laughing, Geddy fired a troll at him. Everyone laughed.

Encore: Sublime. The uhhh, air drumming chorus line complete with the drunk chicken in the middle was interesting. But who doesn't love a drunk dude in a chicken suit?Almost outdoes the fat dude with a cigar in a bunny suit coming on stage to give Alex a cocktail. Wait, was Tom Sawyer during the encore? Fuck it wasn't. Anyways the boys came out with YYZ, 2112 and I can't remember the last song, but it was a great encore.

Overall Concert: Great as usual. Will probably never beat the concert I saw back in July of 2004 where I had front row center seats but this was awesome. Thank you Rush for being around to show up these young punk assholes who are in touch with their feelings and singing horrifically wussy, shitty songs. Please come back with a new album, I beg you.

How Drunk Was I: Well, thanks to the Godfather I had a fun ride home. Not blaming him for anything he did offer for me to stay at his place and I didn't exactly push away any Jager bombs but the ride home was great. All windows down, stereo pumping, cruise control on, diet coke flowing and I had to take a wizz so bad it would have drowned a horse. Great times, took me back to 1999. My wife was not really amused though. Ehh, it was worth it.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

Best Movies That I Could Only Watch Once

There are movies out there that are so good, so powerful and so fucking depressing that you can only view it once. If you view more than that your either into self abuse or you really like watching depressing movies. If you've seen these movies more than help.

Schindler's List (1993)

Why It's So Good: A powerful drama chronicling the plight of the Jews during the second world war where a womenizing, inept business man saves the lives of thousands of Jews. Liam Neeson and Ralph Fiennes (robbed by the academy) do great acting jobs. Hell, I was even able to put up with Ben Kingsley's for the entire thing.

Why You Can Only Watch It Once: Well, between the numerous executions and the horrendous living environment and the war torn scenery, oh and the one kid that decided he would rather jump to the bottom floor of an outhouse rather than go anywhere near a Nazi makes it pretty gosh darn depressing. Then there is the Kristal Nacht scene.

Gallipoli (1981)

Why It's So Good: Shows the brutality that was WWI. Chronicles the Battle of Sulva Bay between August 1915 and January 1916. Not trying to make light of the current Iraq War but the death toll is now at 4100 dead American soldiers since 2002. The Battle of Sulva bay cost the allies 250,000 in less than 6 months, chew on that for a while. The movie was very well acted and shows a young pre crazy Mel Gibson. Though overly simplistic (and inaccurate) in showing the British as uncaring assholes it was still well made.

Why You Can Only Wiew It Once: The brutal violence. When charging the Turks roughly zero Australians and New Zealanders make it anywhere near their lines, cut down my machine gun fire as soon as they come up from their trenches. Knowing that everyone that charges is not coming back makes viewing the movie excrutiating.

Leaving Las Vegas (1995)

Why It's So Good: It's not really all that good. Playing a drunk guy is about as challenging as beating up your grandma in an MMA match so I have no idea why the academy thought Nicholas Cage deserved to win. Plus shouldn't you be less symphthetic to a dumb ass who decides to drink himself to death? I did enjoy Cage dancing in the grocery store with a shitload of liqour in his shopping cart.

Why You Can Only View It Once: Three words: anal rape scene. Nothing like getting beaten up then analy raped by a bunch of asshole frat guys, getting shit from the cabby on the ride home, doing the penquin walk all the way to your apartment where you're thrown out by your land lady. Then the kicker, crying naked in the shower with a trail of blood coming from your tuckus. That five minute span of the movie was seared into my head. And I didn't even touch the drunken, depressing Cage scenes. After viewing this movie I went looking for a bar to drink heavily to forget I saw it. Didn't work, I still remember the damn thing.

Dead Poets Society (1989)

Why It's So Good: Shows a pre horrifically annoying family friendly Robin Williams in a movie about teenagers coming to grips with.....something.

Why You Can Only View It Once: The ending. Nothing like a good suicide scene to brighten up your day. "Hey dad, I really like acting, I really feel like myself." "Forget it, no son of mine is going to be a faggot actor." "Fine I'll go commit suicide now." "OHHHH NOOOO, MY SON!!! WHY??! I'm going to blame Mrs. Doubtfire for this!!!" Then the whole "Captain, my Captain" standing on chairs thing at the end, could only get through that thing once.

Saving Private Ryan (1998)

Why It's So Good: Shows the brutality of WWII in such detail that war veterans actually got shell shock sitting in the theater. The Normady beach landing will probably go down as the best war scene of all time narrowly beating out the castle storming scene in Army Of Darkness. So unbelievably real and well acted that it deserved best picture, oh right, Shakespeare in Love got that. What a bunch of shit. Even though it looked like it only took a couple of minutes to reach the beachheads at Normady in actuality it took nearly 9 hours, countless lives and shitloads more brutal than portrayed. So Speilburg actually "lightened up" on the brutality.

Why You Can Only View It Once: The beach scene alone was hard enough to get through with arms and legs and torsos flying all over the place. Mix in a bunch of screaming and Vin Diesel and you got yourself hard film to watch. Not to mention the end where almost everyone dies saving Bawston Matt only for him to go home and be the drunk asshole at Fenway Park screaming "wicked" and "Nomaaar".

Black Hawk Down (2001)

Why It's So Good: Same as Saving Private Ryan, brutal, honest, well acted.

Why You Can Only View It Once: Two soldiers sacrifice their lives to save a fellow downed helicopter pilot with no hope of reinforcements. They get killed holding off an ambush, get stripped and their bodies are drug through the streets. This is like one of the many brutal scenes in the movie. It just kept coming for two hours. Also funny to see anti American activities and America sticking their heads in another countries' business during the Clinton administration, I thought that started when Bush came into office. Weird.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

"Today's Tom Sawyer...Hey Get The Fuck Out Of Here!"

Rush was on The Colbert Report last night, if you don't know the show it's where a liberal douchebag acts like a conservative douchebag but ends up still being a liberal douchebag. Colbert's lame ass act aside the interview was kind of weird because Alex hardly says a word and Neil never shuts up his lyric hole, well, because he gets asked the most questions. This was a shock to me because I've only read Neil interviews, I've barely ever heard the man speak. Dude's got a deep voice. The band plays Tom Sawyer for the rowdy liberal crowd ages 18 - 25 (probably future conservatives once they enter the work force). Everything is going great until freaky ear McGee decides to jump in right before the last drum breakdown to announce the song is over then quickly jumps out when he realizes that it isn't. Then they go to commercial before the song is over!! That's right my friends, I experienced nerd blue balls, the entire thing is ruined. Fucking Colbert.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Wha Wha Wha Whaaaaaaaa!?!?!!?!?

Supposedly Rush will be performing Tom Sawyer on the Colbert Report this Wednesday. More details here. I seriously don't like the Colbert Report since it's pretty much a one joke show pandering to those ages 18 to 24. Makes me wonder if anyone in the audience will even know who Rush is. But I'll be recording this since I'll probably be at work.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Top Ten Bassists Of All Time

Even though I don't play bass and have never attempted to I knows what I like dammit. These are the best that I've heard in my lifetime. As with all top ten lists, this is just my opinion, there are probably bassists out there I've never heard of that are kick ass.

10) Jack Bruce - Cream, Solo - I'm a huge Cream fan and I always thought that Bruce was one of the best that complemented Eric Clapton well.

9) John Taylor - Duran Duran - Very underrated bassist. The dude from Live (can't remember his name) once stated that he hated Rush and would just noodle to Duran Duran all day.

8) John Myung - Dream Theater - Felt obligated to put him on this list. Though he sounds "robotic" at times he is still one hell of a talent.

7) Scott Shiflett - Face To Face - Kind of a stretch to put him on this list but he's damn good. Got to see them live in Chicago back in '01 and was thouroghly impressed. But don't take my word for it, go buy Face To Face's self titled album.

6) Matt Freeman - Rancid, Operation Ivy - This guy has some serious chops as seen here. Was happy to see these guys live a few years back, old punkers never die.

5) Muzz Skillings - Living Colour - Complete sentimental favorite of mine. Was kicked out of the band after Times Up. No idea why. But he was replaced by another awesome bassist in Doug Wimbish.

4) John Paul Jones - Led Zeppelin - Overshadowed by the others in the group but was (well, is) a great talent. I would give my left nut to see them live, even with Jason Bohnam on drums. His bass line in Immigrant Song is fucking fantastic.

3) Geddy Lee - Rush - Yeah, I know, blah, blah blah Rush is great, blah blah.

2) Tony Levin - Peter Gabriel, King Crimson - Just a freak of nature on the bass. The reason why I love Peter Gabriel so much and he single handedly saved Pink Floyd's Momentary Lapse of Reason. Got to see him with Peter Gabriel on the WOMAD tour back in '93.

1) John Entwisle - The Who - Undisputed best bassist in rock. Was actually kind of bummed when he passed. When I first heard him as a kid I really wanted to play bass, then I heard his counterpart Keith Moon and changed my mind. Still just an unbelievable talent. My mom (who listens to nothing but classical) even thought he was great, that's saying something, believe me.

Honorable Mentions

Flea - Red Hot Chili Peppers - Should be on this list but I find RHCP kind of arrogant and annoying, how many farking songs can you write about California?

Mike Rutherford - Genesis
Tina Weymouth - Talking Heads
Stefan Olsdal - Placebo
Jimbo Wallace - Reverend Horton Heat
Ben Shepard - Soundgarden
Sting - The Police - He actually is pretty good
Justin Chancellor - Tool
Chris Square - Yes - Another one that should be on the list, but oh well.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

They Had It, Then Lost It ran an interesting little story labeled "Sick Boy Syndrome, Top 5 Comedians That Had It, Then Lost It." Sick boy is the dude from Trainspotting who tells the hero of the story of Sean Connery, had it, but lost it and only got the oscar for The Untouchables because the Academy felt like they had to give him something. Well the comedians they claimed that lost it were: Jim Carrey, Mike Myers, Eddy Murphy, Robin Williams and Steve Martin. I agreed with them all except Mike Myers, I don't think he neccesarily lost it, I just think he ran out of original jokes midway through Wayne's World II. Even Austin Powers had a ton of jokes lifted directly from Wayne's World. I actually like Mike Myers but were all going to have to get used to the fact that his last funny moment was his reaction to Kanye West's rant about Bush. Anyways, I thought I would continue the list of those who had it, but lost it.

Ed Norton

In The Beginning: Primal Fear, American History X, People Vs. Larry Flynt, Rounders

Peaked: Fight Club

The First Indication Something Was Wrong: Keeping The Faith

The Demise: Everything since. I know people like Hulk but fuck me, he's basically Tyler Durden again, but instead of turning into Brad Pitt smoking, beating the shit out of people and banging everything that moves he turns into the exact same thing Eric Bana turned into in 2003. All of his political and environmental hypocricy aside he really hasn't starred in a good movie since Fight Club, I even thought The Illusionist was a complete bore.

John Cusack

In The Beginning: Better Off Dead, Tapeheads, One Crazy Summer, Eight Men Out, The Grifters

Peaked: Somewhere between Gross Point Blank and High Fidelity

The First Indication Something Was Wrong: Identity

The Demise: The Iraq War. Hey, if you don't like the war and really hate Bush be my guest, it's definatley your right to say so but at least make some decent fucking movies. Grace Is Gone? War, Inc.? Crap. His overly simplistic view of the U.S. profiteering off war was kind of funny because technically he's making money off the war with his movies with the Iraq War as a backdrop. Unless he's giving the profits to charity. I didn't think so. Even his non protest movies suck; The Ice Harvest, American Sweethearts, Serendipity, Must Love Dogs. Jesus, just complete sell out shit movies.

Adrien Brody

In The Beginning: Basically hit and miss movies throughout his career such as Bread and Roses, Harrison's Flowers and Thin Red Line (Hey, I liked it).

Peaked: The Pianist

The First Indication Something Was Wrong: Dummy. The Pianist was so good and so gut wretching that I could only see it once, like Schindler's List. It was one of the few nominations that I actually agreed with the Academy. Then Adrien went the way of Cuba Gooding, Jr. and hasn't starred in a good role since. I have yet to see the Darjeeling Limited but I've heard it was pretty disapointing. Well, for some fucking reason I liked The Life Aqautic with Steve Zassou.....

Brad Pitt

In The Beginning: Seven, Legends Of The Fall (yes, I liked it, sue me), Interview With A Vampire, Twelve Monkeys, Fight Club, Snatch

Peaked: Ocean's Eleven

The First Indication Something Was Wrong: The Mexican. Really this isn't Brad's fault, he's more TMZ now than an actor. So when I saw Assissination of Jesse James (pretty boring by the way, and fucking looong. I didn't finish it) all I could think of was Bradgelina, or Angiebrad or whatever the fuck they call themselves. But really his film qualities have dipped since Ocean's Eleven.

Kevin Spacey

In The Beginning: Henry and June, Glengarry Glen Ross (GO TO FUCKING LUNCH YOU FUCK!!!), Usual Suspects, Seven, The Ref, Doomsday Gun, The Big Kahuna, L.A. Confidential, Midnight In The Garden Of Good And Evil

Peaked: American Beauty

The First Indication Something Was Wrong: K-PAX. Unfortunately Kevin Spacey is clearly in his check cashing mailing it in phase along with with the likes of Al Pacino and DeNiro.

Actors who have been pretty steady their entire career: Morgan Freeman, Harrison Ford (well, kinda), Sam Rockwell, Tony Shaloub, Stanley Tucci, Helena Bohnam Carter, Ewan McGregor (though he has starred in complete shitballs), Christian Bale, John Malkovich, Liam Neeson, Ralph Fiennes and others I can't think of.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

This Is My Last Role? 'Scuse Me While I Go Die Now

I know all actors would like to go out on top, to be remembered in a way that is dignified and glorious. Heath Ledger's last role was Joker in the Dark Knight, which I hear is receiving serious raves. Sometimes though actors are not as lucky as 'ol Heath. Sometimes an actors last role is the equivalent of the death scene of Elvis; face down, pants down, bloated and fat with the last contribution for the world floating in the john. Yes I ripped off Denis Leary, he ripped off Bill Hicks, were all even. Anyways, here are some actors whose last role I would deem a total shitball.

The Actor: Raul Julia
Best Known For: Kiss of the Spider Women, Moon Over Parador, Addams Family, Presumed Innocent, Tequila Sunrise
Last Movie Role: Street Fighter
Analysis: I loved Raul Julia, I was kind of bummed to hear he passed on, but not as bummed to learn that his last role was Street Fighter, exhibits 1 and 1A of why video games should not be turned into movies. A total shitfest of bad acting, bad action and homeroticism that rivaled Top Gun. To make matters worse his last role was opposite of Jean Claude Van Damme, who's fall from grace was so bad that he actually got a boner on live TV not to long ago. Raul deserved better. Jean Claude deserves a severe beating.

The Actor: Chris Farley
Best Known For: Tommyboy, Coneheads, Airheads, Billy Madison, actually his movies kind of sucked after Tommyboy, but I'll continue.
Last Movie Role: Almost Heroes
Analysis: This movie was so bad I think I shit myself, literally shit on myself. Even though Black Sheep blew and Beverly Hills Ninja was a cornucopia of crap Almost Heroes was just pain inducing bad. I have a feeling that if Farely continued to live he probably would have made a movie so awful that anyone that viewed it would have looked like that kid from The Ring.

The Actor: John Belushi
Best Known For: Animal House, Continental Divide (which I thought sucked but..), 1941, Blues Brothers
Last Movie Role: Neighbors
Analysis: About this time Belushi's drug habit was pretty fucking intense, so much so that the director of this film had no clue whether or not Belushi would even show up sometimes. Though the movie wasn't as bad as Almost Heroes it sure was light years away from Blues Brothers. Like Farely, Belushi died of a drug overdose at the age of 33. Farely, I guess, was following in John's footsteps by starring in shitty movies before 8 balling out.

The Actor: John Candy
Best Known For: Uncle Buck, Planes Trains and Automobiles, Spaceballs, The Great Outdoors, Cool Runnings, Stripes
Last Movie Role: Wagons East
Analysis: Wagons East was so bad that he actually died on the set suffering the indignity of being packed in a piano crate to be shipped back to Canada in order to escape from the film. Even more hardcore than chewing off your own arm when it's trapped in a bear trap. And that's not the worst of it, the movie was dedicated to him, kind of like Denny's dedicating a toilet seat to me. Of course Candy's last released movie was Canadian Bacon, a movie written and directed by Michael Moore, which would have killed me dead.

The Actress: Natalie Wood
Best Known For: West Side Story and other classic movies that I never bothered to see.
Last Movie Role: Brainstorm
Analysis: While I enjoyed Brainstorm a lot of critics did not. Even though Natalie Wood and Louise Fletcher were nominated for their roles it was the Saturn awards, a Sci Fi thing, not exactly the Academy Awards. It also flopped at the box office. Many of the scenes were filmed with stand ins for the remainder of the shoot due to a drunk Natalie Wood betting Robert Wagner that she could swim. I'm going to hell for that last sentence.

The Actor: Peter Sellers
Best Known For: Pink Panther movies, Casino Royale, Being There, The Ladykillers, other classics
Last Movie Role: Trail of the Pink Panther
Analysis: I'm stretching this a bit because he never actually "starred" in the movie because he died of a heart attack before shooting, but it didn't stop Blake Edwards from making the movie scrapping together scant new and old footage of Sellers. The movie is basically a reporter (Jonna Lumley - Ab Fab fame) trying to track down Inspector Clouseau, our favorite bumbling detective. The movie was so shitty that Sellers died again after viewing it.

The Actor: Bela Lagosi
Best Known For: Dracula and other classic movies
Last Movie Role: Plan 9 From Outer Space
Analysis: His last starring role was in a movie that is basically regarded as the worst movie ever made, even more so than Crash, and that's saying a lot. You just can't top that.

The Director: Stanley Kubrick
Best Known For: A Clockwork Orange, 2001, Full Metal Jacket, The Shining, Spartacus, Paths Of Glory
Last Directing Gig: Eyes Wide Shut
Analysis: I know John-O really likes this movie so I'll be gentle. This movie was a big piece of shit. Bad acting, script and a soundtrack that sounded like it was written by a five year old. That and the last lines of the movie was so fucking awful. "What do we do now?" asked Tom Cruise. "Fuck" responded Nicole Kidman in a role that she acted so wooden that if you told me a robot was a stand in I would believe you. Nicole Kidman was even nude for the movie and I still thought it sucked. I'm pretty convinced that Kubrick died for this movie. If he actually lived I'm betting heavily that this movie would have been panned heavily and would probably been nominated for a couple of Rassies. Sorry John-O, I wasn't gentle, your welcome to fillet any movie that I like.

Saturday, June 21, 2008

The Most Overrated Directors Of All Time

A thought occurred before I started writing this crappy post. The Godfather and John-O, the two I originally hooked with up on the blogosphere, most of our friends are either currently working or have at one point in time worked at a movie theater. Weird. Anyway, I was inspired to write this post because a certain movie came out and it's no surprise that most critics are kicking the shit out of it. A little hint, it was originally called The Green Effect. But I thought I would compile a list of directors I think are totally overrated. Enjoy, or don't, whatever.

The Director: Clint Eastwood

High Times: Bird, Firefox, Outlaw Of Josie Wales, Pale Rider, Heartbreak Ridge
Low Times: Blood Work, The Rookie, True Crime

The Overrated: Unforgiven (Oscar winner), Million Dollar Baby (Oscar winner), Flags Of Our Father, Letters From Iwo Jima

Analysis: All the overrated movies suffer from the same exact thing, slow as fucking hell. The pacing makes me want to grab a couple of ensures and crap in my adult diapers while complaining that it's "too cold in here." Unforgiven was just boring and brutal, a shitty combination, Million Dollar Baby was horrifically overrated and unrealistic (seriously, that many people would show up at a womens boxing match?!) and both Flags and Letters just made me so depressed I wanted to crawl in the back of a hearse.

The Director: Spike Lee
High Times: Malcolm X
Low Times: Practically everything else.

The Overrated: Do The Right Thing, Mo' Better Blues, Jungle Fever

Analysis: We get it Spike, you hate white people now how making some good movies you friggin midget. In all reality Spike should of just quit after making Malcolm X because there was absolutely no farking way in hell he would ever top that again. All of his movies look like they were directed by NYU film school dropouts and the music in his movies are so fucking overbearing I feel that the orchestra pit is sitting directly behind me and not in the movie.

The Director: M. Knight Shamilamadigleberry
High Times: Sixth Sense
Low Times: Lady in the Water, or was it lake? Who gives a shit?

The Overrated: Everything else.

Analysis: I give M. Knight credit he does have a unique directing style, too bad his scripts suck out loud. His ego is Hulk huge, almost like he pays people around him to say shit like: "Signs does make sense, don't you change a thing." "Come on M. Knight, the movie studios have no idea how good Lady in the Water will be." "Make the Happening, it doesn't sound stupid. Make it your environmental movie, people will really think that they could be infected with a neuro toxin and die in horrific ways if they are bad to the environment." Whoops sorry, SPOILER ALERT. I admit, I have not seen The Happening and I only managed to get through roughly 30 minutes of The Village and about 5 minutes of Lady before taking out the DVD and chucking it back at the general direction of Blockbuster. But I already knew the endings so what's the point of going on? Actually I don't know the ending of Lady and somehow I don't give a shit.

The Director: Steven Spielberg
High Times: Saving Private Ryan, Shindler's List (or fist if you're into the porn), Raiders of the Lost Ark, Indiana Jones Last Crusade, Jurassic Park
Low Times: Always, AI (complete crap), Minority Report, Hook, The Terminal, War of the Worlds, Jurassic Park II and III

The Overrated: E.T., Catch Me If You Can, Munich, especially Munich, Jaws

Analysis: I really never thought Jaws was that great of a movie, there are a couple of good lines and I have always liked Roy Scheider as an actor but I just never thought it was all that great. E.T. and AI I have always thought were pretty much the same fucking movie, and when he digitally removed the guns from the people going after Sam Cassel, I mean E.T. I really started to hate Spielberg. Munich I thought was pretty much the ol' "let's not fight back if terrorist attack, let's be like France and let someone else deal with it" typical BS that hard core liberals are throwing around nowadays.

The Director: Ang Lee
High Times: Nothing
Low Times: Hulk

The Overrated: The Ice Storm, Brokeback Mountain, Eat Drink Man Women

Analysis: I saw roughly 30 minutes of Brokeback Mountain and I wanted those 30 minutes back. If Brokeback replaced the gay couple with a straight couple it would probably have been voted the worst movie of the year. I actually sat through Hulk and I wanted to shoot Stan Lee for even making the character Hulk. After watching The Ice Storm I can see way people living outside of the U.S. would think Americans suck. Eat Drink Man Women? Never saw it I have to admit, it just looked too artsy fartsy for me.

The Director: Oliver Stone
High Times: Platoon, Wall Street, Talk Radio
Low Times: Any Given Sunday, U Turn, Natural Born Killers, World Trade Center, Alexander, Nixon, Heaven and Earth

The Overrated: JFK

Analysis: The guy pretty much lost it after 1988 producing no movies with any redeeming qualities. He actually blamed the right wingers for the failures of Alexander completely ignoring the fact that the movie was a complete abortion. As for JFK? There was a great documentary on the JFK assassination on the History Channel which showed that Lee Harvey Oswald could in fact have killed JFK by himself. The one HUGE thing in the movie that was completely ignored was the fact that Oswald was an exceptional marksman. Oh and also the gun could be fired within the time allotted to blow off JFK's dome. Oh, and most of the "facts" in the movie were in fact complete lies. I felt violated when I learned this, I actually took some of the movie for fact. The documetary makers actually called for Stone to come in and be interviewed about his movie but he refused. When asked about his innaccuracies all he had to say was that he needed to make the movie entertaining, he had to exaggerate the facts a little. This is about the time I started to hate liberals.

The Director: Alan Smithee

High Times: Nothing
Low Times Everything

The Overrated: Nothing, all his movies suck

Analysis: This guy keeps getting job after job even though his movies suck complete balls. How this complete waste of space still manages getting gigs even though it's obvious that he has no talent is way beyond me. I mean, Jesus Christ monkey balls!

Note: I'm kidding.