Sunday, November 30, 2008

The NFL Round Down

Matt Leinart...Drunk Quaterback

I'm tripping balls right now, ok, a little abbreviated but I thought I would bore the shit out of you with some drunken meandering NFL thoughts.

Colts 10 Browns 6

I actually didn't start watching this game until midway through the 3rd quarter and it looked like I didn't miss shit. Boring as hell game with one highlight, Robert Mathis rumbling and stumbling for a touchdown after a nice Dwight Freeney slap fumble. Then Mathis, again, knocking out DA for the year with a sack near the end. Now Browns fan have someone else to bitch about on the Colts other than Jim Sorgi. Bitter Browns fan. Mention the fumble...oh well. Mention the drive...meh. Mention Bill Belichek...who? Mention Art Modell....ok, a little hatred comes out but mention Jim fucking meltdown. The Colts are on a roll, but beware of the Lions, seriously, there is nothing more dangerous than a winless team this late in the year. Ask the Ravens of last year.

White People, I mean, European American Running Backs Unite!

Peyton Hillis of the Broncos final line: 22 carries 129 yards rushing 1 TD. The running back from Arkansas lit up the Jets with his fine Larry Czonka-esque (the only white running back I could think of) running style. And he's totally white, no one brought this up during the telecast. I can be proud of my race dammit. That was fucking awesome! My new fav running back!

The Giants Are Good

Even after their star wide receiver shot himself in the leg (fucker is lucky it missed the femoral) the G men went out and smoked the Redskins.

The Pats

Will the real Matt Cassel please stand the fuck up. Two weeks in a row he threw for 400 bills and shitloads of touches. Then this week he through (dammit I'm drunk) threw for a buck fifty and 2 picks, I know that his wide receivers had the case of the dropsies but fuckin 'ell. I was going to write a shitty post that maybe Thom Brady isn't all that great and that Belecheck's system makes a mediocre quarterback great, but maybe Brady is that good, and handsome. He still has a butt for a chin though. I knew that the Steelers were going to play Patriot Pat tough due to the embarrassing lost last year but 30 unanswered points? Fuck me man. Maybe the Pat's D is old as hell.


Brett Favre turned into the Brett we all know and love by throwing passes that even a rook wouldn't think about tossing. The Broncos, who have a D made a swiss cheese, dominated the Jets at the Medowlands. The gay part of Mike and Mike in the morning are pretty pissed right now, or soaking in the tub and getting a manicure to cope with today's debacle

How 'bout them overrated Cowboys!

Seriously, don't starting sucking each others dicks just yet if your a Cowboys fan, the boys can be easily exposed just like Mike Singaltary during halftime. I'm just not sold, you rattle Tony Romo and he's shit for a quarterback. You hit Terrel Owens hard enough and he grows alligator arms.

Who's the MVP of this year?

John-O ran a poll asking who is the MVP of this year. I can't remember exactly who he put, he took it down, so I'll go from my whiskey soaked memory...

Kurt Warner? Good pick, but put them on the east coast and he folds.
Adrian Peterson? Another good pick, I would put him up there. I mean shit, they have Gus Ferret at quarterback for fuck sakes. Yes, I know I spelled his name wong, that was on porpoise.

I can't remember the rest but I know I'm a homer, but I choose Manning. No, not Peyton (though I think that if he wasn't in the lineup the Colts would be 1-11 right now) the Manning of the Eli variety. I really think that he's the MVP this year. He's the glue that keeps the Giants gear running. 11-1 and all those distractions in that media market? MVP fuckos.

I'm passing out, I come.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Ohio St. V. Michigan - The 105th Edition

JIm Tressel's Vest - 42

Rich Rod's Tasty Tears - 7

Brutus the Buckeye was so tired of running around after Ohio St. scored that he literally dropped dead of exhaustion. That was a shitty joke. Anyways it looked like Michigan would make a contest of it but never got their shit together in the second half. Though I was pleased with the results of the game I really wasn't all that fired up about it considering Michigan has won 3 games and was beaten by the Akron Zips earlier in the year. They also lost to Notre Dame who just lost to Syracuse (aka: the shittiest team in New York state). Seriously, Michigan sucks this year, they will suck next year, and the next, they are the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked. Their recruiting class looks like a bunch cast offs, deadbeats and the worse kind of athlete....white. They look like the cast of Nessesary Roughness, except I laughed harder at the Michigan team then I did at the movie, and I like the movie (don't you dare fucking judge me!). In the end the Buckeyes were better in every facet of the game, including dick size. Don't ask me how I know. But it was a big let down this year considering how bad Michigan was and the fact that Ohio St completely dissapeared during the big games (Penn St and the 4th NFL team in California). Ah well, a win is a win. Well, at least my 4 month old liked it, he only spit up 2 times during the game, less then his usual 10.

Nolden Gomers - 23

Syracuse Shits - 24

Chuckles Weis and his turtleneck pants were completely out coached and out played by a unbelievably inferior team. No matter how you slice it Notre Dame sucks for the long haul, and if I were them I wouldn't fire ol' Chuckles. If memory serves me correctly he was the fifth choice to take the helm after Willingham's fortunate firing (hey, he's like Herm Edwards, great guy shitty coach). Who would they get to replace him? Regis? You can only get worse not better if you fire him.

Pudue Train School - Shitloads

Indiana Hosers - Shitloads Less

Ugh. Ugly game. I clicked over during the tOSU v. Wolvy game. Every time I clicked back Purdue scored, it was like the Hoosiers didn't have a defense. Thus ends an ugly year for Indiana football, and it won't get any better in basketball unless Jimmy Chitwood decides to come back.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Are The Colts.....Back?

I'm cautiously optimistic about the recent 3 game win streak of your Indianapolis Colts. After losing miserably to the Packers I pretty much wrote them off and started paying more attention to the Pacers, then I started paying more attention to what the Yankees were doing. The next games after the Packers; New England (always tough), at Pittsburgh (outdoors, tough D) and then Houston who pretty much had us dead to rights the last game. Pretty tough stretch which I figured they would lose at least 2 if not the whole lot. But then they drag me back in and rattle off 3 wins in a row. The offense is looking more like the juggernaut of old even though Marvin Harrison is a shell of his former self. The D is back to it's ol' bend don't break mentality and even toughed it out (hey, it was good for them) without Bob Sanders against Houston.

I actually got to attend the Pats game and even though my seats were so high Sputnik bounced off my head I saw the Colts practically play flawless football. No turnovers, no sacks given up, few penalties. I know they were lucky that Gaffney forgot how to catch a ball at one point that would have led to six, but still, they played great. They were also lucky that the genius Bill Belechek had a couple of brain farts that cost them the game. They did the same against the Steelers, almost flawless football. Houston? Well, not so much but a win is a win.

I would like to welcome back Addai and the Colts running game, good to have you back guy, this will make the passing game soo much easier.

The Colts have a tough road ahead and they practically have to win out to make a wildcard spot but damnit all I'm optimistic.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

I Miss Mike Vanderjagt...

I really do. I sometimes wonder what that stud from Oakville, Ontario, Canada is up since his ummm...amicable separation from the Colts. Is he dreaming about making it back to the NFL? Or is he just hanging out in Canada doing what every Canadian does when they are bored, drinking Elsnore beer and watching old episodes of SCTV. The good ones, not the ones without Jon Candy. I know he's employed and kicking for the Toronto Arganauts, or however the fuck you spell that word, but that doesn't count. That's the CFL, about 2 levels below the Arena Football League and about 1/2 level above Major League Soccer. Poor Mike, the most accurate kicker in the NFL, replaced by the magical elf we call Adam Vinatieri. Just sad.

So what if was a liquored up kicker who shot off his mouth during Canadian TV interwiews. He was OUR liquored up kicker who shot off his mouth during Canadian TV interviews. Soooo he was a ego-maniac that used to tuck dollar bills under his wrist bands because he was money. So he used to shank kicks when it really counted (and a few time when it didn't). Sooooo he used to taunt apposing teams before kicking game winning field goals. And soooo he actually did taunt a team in the playoffs(Pittsburgh) before shanking a kick so bad that it's still rolling down Capitol Avenue like a tumbleweed in the desert. So he pissed off a future hall of fame quarterback so bad that he has no shot of ever sniffing the prosperous fields of the NFL ever again. He deserves another chance. If Michael Vick can kill dogs, break federal law, go to jail and deserve a second chance so does Mike.

We miss you Mike. Don't' get too drunk, we might be calling you again soon, Jim Sorgi is getting less and less cute by the day.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

The Great Debate - The Best Adult Cartoon Of All Time

Which Adult, and I mean non-pornographic, cartoon is the best of all time? The Simpsons, Family Guy or South Park? This isn't as easy as it sounds because I know the majority of you, all 2, are already giving The Simpsons the award. But as Lee Corso says on ESPN, "shut the fuck up, my friends!" Or something like that. But I'm going to break it down beyond scientific and deem one of the these cartoons the best of all time.

The Best of the Best - Simpsons, Family Guy, South Park.


Simpsons - Though minuscule elements of The Flintones show up sometimes by and large the Simpsons are very original. The town, the people, the episodes all very original.

Family Guy - Unfortunately there have been accusations from many, including the creators of Simpsons, that Family Guy has "borrowed" many elements and themes from The Simpsons. I read that Seth McFarlane will run for Vice President someday. Anyways maybe this video will convince you.

Or maybe this pic..

South Park - Very original and groundbreaking. But, if it weren't for the Simpsons they would not have ever gotten on the air. They also did an episode paying homage to the Simpsons basically saying that the Simpsons have done everything and it's hard as hell to come up with ideas every week.

Winner: Simpsons

That Creamy Middle - The Classic Episodes

During a show's run there are episodes that are not as crappy as the first season and run a coarse of classics, then take a dip in quality. These 3 shows are no different. Or are they? Though I would venture to say Perfect Strangers was never shitty, ever.

Simpsons - 1992 - 2001. I'm being pretty generous with this but during these 10 seasons The Simpsons had nary a crappy episode. Maybe a downer or two but never completely shitty. After 2002 the quality of the jokes took a dip, then nosedived after 2004. Right now it's pretty close to unwatchable.

Family Guy - 1999 - 2003, 2005 - 2007. Even though Family Guy does that annoying flashback thing so much that it starts to take away from the quality of the show it is still enjoyable as hell. Well, at least until this season. I was going to hold judgement until a couple of episodes in but Family Guy season 7 has been pretty disappointing, bordering on complete crap. The episode tagged "I Dream Of Jesus" was pretty funny but all other have been crap even the highly anticipated Stewie and Brian adventure episode. I think Family Guy has finally jumped the shark.

South Park - 1997 - present. I was wavering on this for a while but really there was never a season where I didn't think South Park was hilarious. Every time they make a so so episode they always come back strong. This new season is no different. Breast Cancer show was pretty boring but Pandemic 1 and 2 was funny as hell. Plus the new "About Last Night..." episode was fucking hilarious.

Winner: South Park

Characters - () denotes crappy and/or unfunny character, bold denotes great character.

Simpsons - Homer, Marge, Bart, Lisa(), Maggie, Chief Wiggum, Moe, Carl, Lenny, Mr. Burns, Smithers, Comic Book Guy, Kent Brockman, Milhouse, Otto, Principal Skinner.

Family Guy - Peter, Lois, Stewie, Brian, Chris(), Meg, Cleveland, Quagmire, Joe, Loretta(), Bonnie, Mort, Mort's wife and kid.

South Park - Cartman, Kyle, Stan, Kenny, Stan's family, Kyle's family, Mr. Garrison, Barbrady, Mr. Slave, Big Gay Al

Winner: South Park - I just like the South Park characters a lot more plus they poke fun at themselves for having one black character naming him Token.

Who They Poke Fun Of

Simpsons - It used to be everyone until about 2000, then they started down the road of only poking fun of Christians and Republicans. Since they have so many celebrity guests they have to keep them happy. Well, most celebrities are liberal douchebags so they can only make fun of Christians and Republicans.

Family Guy - Creator Seth McFarlane is from Boston, so it's pretty much law out there that you have to be liberal. So they pretty much only make fun of, you got it, Christians (more specifically Catholics) and Republicans. It definitely doesn't take away from the show, obviously I think it's funny as hell though I would have to say that the McCain/Palin button on the Nazi uniform was a tad overboard.

South Park - Everyone and everything which is why I like them so gosh darn much. They even had the balls to go after the very sue happy scientologists and (gasp) Muslims. I'll never understand why hard core liberals never say anything about extreme Muslims. Isn't it awful what's going on in Darfur? Yep, extreme Muslims. Oh it's awful what's going on in China. Again, extreme Muslims. And that whole thing going on in Singapore? Wow. Yep, you got it, extreme Muslims.

Winner: South Park

Main Characters

Simpsons - The Simpson family, a fat, drunk guy, a precocious 10 year old, a know-it-all very annoying 8 year old, a cute baby that doesn't speak and a sexy housewife.

Family Guy - A fat, drunk guy, a dumb 16 year old, an annoying 17 year old, a sexy housewife, a diabolical (and closet homosexual) baby and a know-it-all dog with an extreme drinking problem that somehow owns a Prius even though he has no job or means of support.

South Park - 4 8 year olds with potty mouths.

Winner: Simpsons by a hair.

The Movies

Simpsons (2006) - Pretty damn close to unwatchable and horrifically unfunny. You would think that any movie that "kills" off Green Day would be awesome but it wasn't. The corners of my mouths went nowhere near up. I turned it off halfway through completely disappointed. The sad thing was, I was drinking and it still wasn't funny.

Family Guy (2005) - Technically they didn't have a theatrical release but they did have a DVD movie. Pretty funny, especially in the beginning, but it started to teeter off in the last 30 minutes. Still enjoyable.

South Park (1999) - I never laughed so hard in my life in a movie theater. I was in a half crowded theater and the laughter was so loud it sounded like it was sold out. I didn't hear half the punch lines because everyone was hysterical. Probably in my top 10 movies of all time list, if I had one.

Winner: South Park

The Winner - To me it's South Park by a hair over the Simpsons. South Park is still relevent and funny as hell. Unfortunately I can't say the same about the other two. I know it's bad when I look forward more to American Dad than I do Family Guy or Simpsons. What do you douchebags think?