Sunday, October 28, 2007

Sports Guy Mock World Series Game 4 Running Diary

Since Boston is about to win the world series that means all of is about to explode with stories, articles and nonsensical Boston BS. One of the lead writers on ESPN is Bill (I only got this job because I'm a Boston sports fan) Simmons. He is probably the biggest Boston homer they have on the web page, he also makes fun of Indy sports teams waaaay too much (see "the Manning face"). He goes out of his way to do so contantly, even this year with the Colts. Since ESPN has only Jay Mariotti representing the midwest (seriously, look it up, 7 Boston writers for 3 teams, 1 midwest writer for a shitload of midwest teams) I thought I would make a typical mock diary of Bill Simmons for tonights inevitable Boston win.

8:00 - We come at you live for game five of the world series with Boston battling, um, some team from Colorado, seriously, does Colorado have a team? I only know the Red Sox and the hated Yankess.

8:15 - Me, House, Jay-Bug and the rest of the Goonies were circle jerking each other the other day while watching Good Will Hunting when House asked if there was a better team then the 2004 Red Sox. We all said the 2007 Red Sox.

8:20 - Tim McCarver is dumn (insert typical dumn McCarver quote).

8:30 - Second pitch is hit and the Red Sox are on base. It's in the bag. I'm already preparing to write "Now I can Die In Peace II, Electric Boogaloo."

8:45 - My dad called me after the Red Sox scored their first run, "hey son, I'm not your real dad, by the way, go Sox".


9:14 - My wife comes in all mad at something, I don't know why, maybe I'll give her her own crappy article to write that no one will read in my colums on By the way, did you know that I'm a Boston Red Sox fan?

9:20 - Boston 2, St. Louis - 0. I know that St. Louis isn't in the world series, it's just that I don't any other team other than Boston and the Evil Empire.

9:25 - I would f**k Jason Varitek on my coffee table right now with Big Papi's c**k in my mouth.

9:40 - (some stupid anecdote about some shitty reality TV show on MTV that no 30 year old should be watching).

9:45 - (Name drop about a celebrity that he knows).

9:50 - Tom Brady is dreamy - Red Sox 2, White Sox - 0.

You get the idea.

WTF David Stern?

I read earlier that Herr David Stern has let numerous refs off the hook for gambling at casinos stating that there is nothing to be concerned about as long as they don't bet on sports. What the fuck? Didn't they just have a huge betting scandal not too long ago because of a ref's gambling addiction. What makes him think this won't happen again? So he isn't strict with the refs when it comes to rule breaking but he is horrifically strict when it comes to players. He wouldn't bend when Suns players came to the aid of a hip checked Steve Nash when they thought their best player (2 time MVP) was hurt when Cheap Shot Rob Horry purpously bumped the point guard into the scorers table. He suspended the Suns players who left the bench basically giving the NBA championship to the Spurs. Don't get me started with what he did to the Pacers in 2004.

Rasheed Wallace stated earlier that he thought the NBA was fixed. For the first time I agree with Rashweed, I really do think it's fixed when Stern pulls shit like this. Other instances that stick out in my mind that the NBA is not on the up and up:

1999 Eastern Conference Final - Knicks v. Pacers - a lot of calls against the Pacers, Knick Bavetta called the continuation foul against Antonio Davis even though Grand ma ma Larry Johnson wasn't touched.

2002 Western Conference Final - Game 6 - Kings v. Lakers - just an unbelievably shitty called game that looked like it was a fix. It was blantent. Kobe elbows Doug Christie in the face and Christie is called for a foul, I'm not making this up.

1997 NBA Finals - Bulls v. Jazz - Micheal Jordan pushes off the Jazz point guard that was an obvious foul and Jordan scored the winning shot.

2007 - Isiah Thomas v. MSG employee - Thomas found guilty for sexual harrasment against an employee and never denied making racist statements against whites. Never disciplined by the NBA and never called out in the press (unless you count Al Sharpton, which I don't) and still has a job.

That's all I can think of off the top of my head even though I know there are a ton more examples. If it weren't for the Pacers I really wouldn't give a shit about the NBA.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Prime Mover 10 - Top Ten Drummers of Rock

I seriously couldn't think of another Rush appreciation post that hasn't been done somewhere else. I was going to do the best Rush references of all time until I realized that Power Windows (Rush tribute page) has already done it. So, I'll just offer up my usual drunken rants on something that no sane person should give a crap about. These are the drummers that I have grown up with and I feel are the best for my generation (some before my time). They are only rock drummers because if I included jazz I would be banging my head over who should be number 1, seriously, jazz is ridiculously hard to play well. As a note to all I am an armchair drummer, entirely self-taught. My style can be best described as drunken drumming, or ADHD drumming. Not bad, but definitely not professional. Here we go (open beer)........

Banned From The List

1) Lars Ulrich - Metallica - Two words keep him from the list, Load and Reload. Two of the worst albums of rock or metal. The only band in history to make a sequel to a song (Unforgiven Too, or was it two, who gives a shit it sucked) and album (Reload after Load, get it?). Then they come out with St. Anger. After bassist and long time punching bag Jason Whatshisname left the band (good call on his part) and Metallica replaced him with a bassist who looks like he came from a holloween party dressed up like the Korn bassist, they decided to make an ill advised album which James Hetfield sounded more like Captain Caveman then James Hetfield. To make matters worse they make a documentary along with the album chronicling the fact that they are waaaaay past their prime and James Hetfield needs to lay off the booze before his liver and mullet explode. It also doesn't help that Lars was in front of congress lobbying for record companies to stop online song sharing. Before you go nuts remember, most bands get a majority of their money by touring, not records sales. Thanks Lars, now go pick up James Hetfield from rehab.

2) The chick with the rack from White Stripes - White Stripes - How anybody thinks this band is good is beyond me. I finally figured that most music critics are men and seeing Meg White jiggling her gigantic boobies like crazy while desperately trying to keep time hypnotized them from making any sort of sane, intelligent critique of the band. How else can you explain Meg's creepy brother Jack (I know they are not siblings) being ranked number 17 on the best guitarist list on Rolling Stone magazine back in 2002? A list that did not include Alex Lifeson or Eric Johnson! That was the last time I read Rolling Stone magazine by the way. She looks like my 2 year old playing trying to play drums, confused but having fun. I know, I know, nowadays it's all about style, not talent with rock music.

Honorable Mentions

1) Charlie Watt - Rolling Stones - Those of you who know me are probably doing a double take. I've been harsh on ol' dapper Charlie before (with reason) but three things came about which reversed my opinion.

a) He can play jazz. Like I said before, that ain't easy.

b) He is very well respected by almost every drummer in the business.

c) The story of him getting a call at five a.m. from a very drunk Mick Jagger. Charlie is a proper gentlemen who wasn't ever in the overindulgence of libations like the other members of Rolling Stone were. Early to bed, early to rise and dress like a proper Englishman, that's Charlie. Anyways Mick and Keith were plastered out of their skulls after a night out when they rang Charlie out of his slumber. Mick called him "his drummer" and told him there was a band meeting right now, "get your ass over here." Charlie calmly got up, put on his best suit and polished shoes and went over to Mick's hotel room. When Mick opens the door Charlie said hello then plastered him with a right hook nearly sending him out his hotel window and to his death. After a shocked Mick came to he was greeted with Charlie hovering over him yelling, "I'm not your fucking drummer, you're my fucking singer!" Charlie politely let himself out and went back to bed. I love that story, and it completely changed my opinion of him.

2)Dave Grohl - Foo Fighters, Nirvana, Queens of the Stone Age, Killing Joke - I've always been a big fan of Josh Homme's music with QOTSA, Eagles of Death Metal or Kyuss. When QOTSA 2002 album Songs for the Deaf came out I was floored. The first thing I asked when I got through the first 4 songs was, "who in the hell is that drummer, and why wasn't he found sooner?" I was really surprised that it was Dave Grohl, I had no clue he could play like that. The entire album was great and the drumming was spectacular. Given that fact that Grohl can play just about any instrument gave me great respect for him. Then when Killing Joke's long awaited self titled album came out I asked the same question. "This drummer is great, who the hell is it?" Again Dave Grohl. Not only did he manage to work with Jaz Coleman (insane leader of Killing Joke) without stuffing him into a trash compactor, but he fit in quite well with Killing Joke's industrial, bombastic sound.

Best Output: Queens of the Stone Age - Songs for the Deaf, Killing Joke - Killing Joke

The Up and Comers

1) Erin Tate - Minus The Bear - I've really come to love this band. Mixing prog rock, emo (or emu), alternative, new wave, electronica, and the current thing going on, this band has really impressed me. Erin is great at off beat, odd time signature rock. Great Drummer with great skill.

Best Ouput: Planet of Ice, Menos el Oso

2) Zundel Tkotch - World/Inferno Friendship Society - Great band out of Brooklyn, NY. They have actually been around for a while boasting a rotating musician cast of over 30 people. Very imaginative band mixing ska, punk, swing, jazz and something else I seriously can't put my finger on, which is why my Ipod list them as "unclassifiable". I have heard that they are great live, but they would never come near Indianapolis so I will never know. I'm not sure if Zundel is their original drummer, I'm guessing not, but he was unbelievable on their live album from 2003.

Best Output: Hallowmas Live at Northsix

3) Sammy J. Watson - Apex Theory - The only non-Armenian in an all Armenian band. Just ridiculous with the time signatures. Good style, great licks, does not rush like some drummers naturally do. Great drummer with a great band. I almost put him in the top ten but he has really made only one album. Apex Theory's (sans original lead singer) latest output was a very disappointing 15 minute song that they put on Itunes. So the future of the band looks pretty crappy.

Best Output: Topsy Turvey

The Top Ten

10) Mike Portnoy - Dream Theatre - Might as well start out the list strong, Portnoy and the boys hail from Berkeley out in California where they had dreams of kick ass, ridiculously complex tunes lasting longer than 10 minutes. Portnoy has some great chops which I have actually never seen live until I got HD tv and they showed them live from Japan (where they are freakin huge) on one of the HD channels. Portnoy is not only freakishly talented he does most of the crowd baiting and cheering, which means he basically drums standing up. This is so because the rest of the band is about as dull as fence posts. He has retooled his set time and time again so every now and then when I look him up he's got something else going on.

Best Output: Awake, Falling into Infinity, Images and Words

9) Matt Cameron - Soundgarden, Those pinko commies Pearl Jam (Hi John!) - Matt's style, sound and skill has always impressed me. I was pretty disappointed he didn't let loose on Geddy Lee's solo album My Favorite Headache.

Best Output (all with Soundgarden) - Badmotorfinger, Superunknown

8)Danny Carey - Tool - This band is completely fucked up. Fucked up lyrics, fucked up album covers, fucked up lead singer, you get the idea. But I really genuinely like their music even though I feel like taking a shower after listening to them. Danny Carey is a damn good drummer and dare I say underrated. I was blown away by the drumming in AEnima.

Best Ouput: AEnima, Laterlus, Undertow

7) Will Calhoun - Living Colour - Damn fine drummer in damn fine band. Has this thing where he will play 3/4 time and 4/4 time simultaneously. Let me say I've tried a million times to do it and I can't even come close. He is often overshadowed by Corey Glover and Vernon Reid. He deserves major credit (I will never say props) for the drumming he has done over the years.

Best Output: All Living Colour albums except Callidiscope

6) Tim "Herb" Alexander - Primus - In an interview with Modern Drummer he said that in high school he was a huge Rush snob. He would only listen to Rush and come home everyday after school and air drum to Rush tunes for hours. Tim and I have that in common, except now he is a successful, well-respected musician boasting a catalogue of music and I'm a 32 year old alcoholic with a dead end job that still comes home everyday and air drums to Rush. Oh well. I was pretty disappointed when he left Primus because 1) Primus sucked after that and 2) He disappeared. I literally had to go looking for him in other bands to see what the hell he was up to. Great drummer that I got to see live when Primus opened for Rush in 1993 (you remember that John-O). Very inventive and managed to complement Les Claypool, something that other drummers have failed to do.

5) Stewart Copeland - The Police, Animal Logic, Klark Kent - Completely sentimental drummer of mine because he was one of the first drummers I used to hit pots and pans while listening to The Police back in the 80's. Has the distinction of actually being a well rounded musician. Wrote soundtracks to a couple of movies, unfortunately Highlander II was one of them. Uses a traditional grip and has the smallest drum set (5 piece) compared to every other drummer on this list, at least in the early days of The Police he did. Very fast drummer, continuously pushed Sting to make Police songs faster. He has a weird mesh of punk, jazz and rock drum styles that works really well. Also managed to not kill Sting for the years he worked with him.

Best Output: All Police albums, Animal Logic II

4) Carl Palmer - Emerson, Lake and Palmer - The least egotistical of the trio this drummer rounded out a ridiculously talented band that started in the late 60's and finally disbanded in the mid 80's. They regrouped for Black Moon in 1992, even though the album was definitely the worst output of ELP it did spawn a live album in 1993 that was very decent. Very fast and very technical drummer as evident in many ELP songs. He is a classicaly trained musician that moved into rock at 19 and then had a hand at starting progressive rock (which is what influenced Rush). Great drum solos, I got to see him in 1992 and I was completely amazed at how fast his hands and feet were, and he was in his mid forties at the time. He still does events and is very well respected in the drumming world.

Best Output: All Emerson Lake and Palmer albums excluding Black Moon and In The Hot Seat (which he admitted sucked complete ass).

3) John Bohnam - Led Zeppelin - Bonzo was one of the best and drunkest drummers of all time. His sticks were tree trunks, his toms were see through and his cymbals rang for weeks. His skill was unbelievable, not only was he thundering and loud he was also very technical and fast. Jon Paul Jones (the bassist of Zep) often cites Bohnam as the best drummer he's ever seen. His skills diminished greatly as his boozing went along as evident after seeing the 1980 concert at Wembley stadium. He died shortly after. He was definitely one of the best.

Best Output: All Zeppelin albums except In Through The Out Door

2) Neil Peart - Rush - The professor at the drum kit. The man behind my favourite band of all time. I really marvel at the fact that he's been doing this consistently for over 30 years now. When I saw him at the Vapor Trails tour in 2002 I thought he was playing better than he had in years, and I just sat back and marveled at his skill and the fact that he was 49 years old and still kicking the shit out of the drums. I know some people call Rush "drum solo with a complement" (I call them assholes) but they are the best musicians around (alive) today in rock. I hope they continue on after Snakes and Arrows, but if not, oh well.

Best Output: All with Neil

1) Keith Moon - The Who - Often cited as the best drummer of all time. If there was ever a title called lead drums he would be it. When I first heard him (Who's Next album) I immediately wanted to pick up a pair of stick. He played so fast and hard. He gave it his all every night. He was also completely nuts destroying countless hotel rooms and wreaking havoc with his next door neighbors. Moon will always be my favourite over Neil (I know, sacrilege) just because he was the first drummer I ever idolized.

Best Output: All Who albums except Who Are You

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Rush Geek Week Part III

I kind of fell asleep at the post, well got really busy, so I haven't had the time to follow up on my Rush geekdom week. Good to see John-O post his top albums like I hoped he would. Very interesting selection, but for me there is no bad Rush album, and at one point or another they were all my favourites. Now time for something different.

Best/Worst Rush Videos Of All Time

(Note: I do not include any videos made in the 70's. The 70's were so bad that even the jazz sucked, not to mention all of the presidents.)

When I was in Virginia in 1982 there used to be a program on called Friday Night Videos (I'm really showing my age) that would play the best videos of the week. One late night I finally got to see what Rush actually looked like. Remember, this was before the Internet or cable (for us anyways) and we were miles away from shopping malls. Plus the fact that all the Rush tapes my brother had were second hand copies of the original, since we were poor as hell, so we did not possess any liner notes and had no clue what these gents looked like and more importantly, had no clue what Neil's drum set looked like. Subdivisions came on and my bro and I were estatic, and shocked. Man that song rocks, but that video kind of sucks. That wouldn't be the last time we said that.

To be fair, Rush probably does videos as an afterthought being more concerned about how their music sounds rather than how the video looks. But man, some of those videos are real stinkers, almost laughable. But there were a couple of good ones.

The Best

1) Distant Early Warning - probably their first good video and the reference to Dr. Strangelove is a plus. That is also Geddy's kid riding the missile. Off of the Grace Under Pressure album.

2) Mystic Rhythms - Looks like they actually took time to do this one. It looks like they did this video right before releasing Hold Your Fire, because they are wearing the same clothes as they are for liner notes of HYF. Very artsy, no fartsy. Off of the Power Windows album.

3) The Pass - The video is as haunting and dark as the subject matter of the song. I actually didn't see this video until the advent of YouTube, which was a couple of years ago. I was pretty impressed. Off the Presto album.

4) Half The World - Saw this video on MTV2 late one night right before leaving IU in 1997. The last time a Rush video ever graced that crappy channel ever again, seriously MTV sucks balls. Off the Test For Echo album.

5) Show Don't Tell - Saw this video right before Rush released Presto in November 1989. I practically broke my face jumping out of my seat with elation because I haven't seen a Rush video in nearly 6 years at that point. Again, this album, and this song especially, helped get over the fact that I moved to landlocked Indiana and was attending the shitty Creston Middle School.

6) Tom Sawyer (South Park Intro) - Just saw this on YouTube, makes me regret my decision on not going to the Snakes and Arrows concert, well, I actually had no choice.

7) Lock and Key - Really liked the song and video. Not sure what movie the video is referencing. Off the Hold Your Fire album.

8) Time Stand Still - This is right on the border between good and crappy. I give it a mulligan because it was 1987 when this video was produced. Off the Hold Your Fire album.

9) Nobody's Hero - Never really liked this song, but the video was decent. Off the Counterparts album.

The Crappy

1) Far Cry - This is awful, looks like this was done as an afterthought. Rush didn't even bother showing up for the making of this. I actually thought it was a goth video or something. Off Snakes and Arrows.

2) Subdivisions - Probably one of the first Rush videos produced, and it shows, though I do identify with the nerd in the video. Off the Signals album.

3) The Enemy Within, The Body Electric, Afterimage - I lump these 3 together because they were all off the same album. Afterimage looked like the director kept falling asleep, plus Alex's looked like he combed his hair with a rock. The Enemy Within was just plain awful, but it's nice to know that the bad guys in the video like to take the time to rock out. And The Body Electric was a story that I really didn't want to follow. I read not too long ago that The Body Electric was actually a 30 minute short that was only aired in Canada, thank Christ, and the video for the song showed exerts of that short. It was still a stinker. It was supposed to make the future look bleak and hopeless, it actually made it look really gay. The good guy's hair looks fabulous though.

4) Superconductor - Wow, yikes, even my wife couldn't get through the video, I barely could. Looks like Alex and Geddy switched positions on stage, looks really weird, like bizarro Rush or something. Off Presto.

5) Stick It Out - Beavis and Butthead made fun of this video, with good reason. Is that Eddie Grant in the chair? Off Counterparts.

6) Big Money - From the clothes, to Neil's rat tail, to the cheesy graphics, to the butchering of the song. Not all that great. Off Power Windows.

7) Driven - This video actually gave me a headache. Kind of cool, but not really. Off Counterparts.

8) Countdown - No imagination. Off the Signals album.

Time for a beer....and for me to pop in Chronicles.

Monday, October 8, 2007

Rush Geek Week Part II

Ahh, this is fun, for me anyways. Lets keep this crappy idea of mine going.

Ranking The Rush Live Albums

Not on this list: Grace Under Pressure (1984) - Technically never released as a tour album until Replay X3 (2006). But it does have a great version of The Weapon.

6) All The Worlds A Stage (1976) - 2112 Tour

The first live album by Rush, and it kind of showed. Neil had to take off his bass drum heads in order to get mikes near them and there was an excessive amounts of feedback. Some good tunes though.

5) A Show Of Hands (1989) - Hold Your Fire Tour

This is ranked kind of low due to crappy sound transfer to the video. Also, Subdivisions was pretty weak. This does introduce the longer version of Closer To The Heart and has a strong drum solo.

4) Different Stages (1998) - Test For Echo Tour

Nice two-disc deal which included 2112 in it's entirety. Gets points off for the drumming. During this time Neil screwed around with his drumming style using a traditional grip, ditching his double bass and condensing his kit a tad.

3) R30 (2006) - 30th Anniversary Tour

Got to see this tour twice. Actually witnessed the first major fuck up of a Rush show, Neil's triggers kept fucking up resulting in numerous glares at his engineer and Alex constantly cracking up. The next time I saw them (in Indy) I got front row center tickets, so close I could see Geddy's neck waddle and it was freakin' awesome. Great live album, Subdivisions is spectacular as is Between The Wheels.

2) Exit.....Stage Right (1981) - Moving Pictures Tour

I always have a soft spot for this one. The sound is awesome, the drum solo is great. The Trees and La Villa Strangiato stand out on this one.

1) Rush In Rio (2003) - Vapor Trails Tour

Easily my favourite live album just because of how loose the guys were. The drumming was great as was the drum solo, and the crowd (over 60,000 strong) was raucous. They actually sang along to an instrumental. I also have sentimental reasons for loving this tour and live album. This was me and my future wife's first Rush concert. We have been dating maybe a month. After the show she asked me,

"Is he (Neil) the best drummer ever?"

I knew it was meant to be.

Sunday, October 7, 2007

Rush Geek Week Part I

Since John-O was so kind to compliment me on my drunken rambling that Rush always closes out their albums with great songs I decided to ratchet up my (actually our) Rush geekdum by pronouncing this Rush Geek Week. I will list some great Rush doings this week while listening to Rush while staring at my homemade Rush artwork (yes, I made some) while petting my cats Geddy and Alex. We couldn't afford a Neil. Before you judge me, please read on. Well John-O will, and maybe my wife, if I beg her.

Best Rush Albums of All Time

10) Fly By Night - The introduction of Neil after Rush ditched that whiny non-talented, diabetic drummer John Rustey.

Best Songs: Best I Can, Anthem, Fly By Night, By-Tor and the Snow Dog, Beneath, Between, Behind

Most Confusing Song: Rivendell - never been able to listen to it all the way through, yes, I know it is based on the Lord of the Rings.

9) Hemispheres - The last concept album where the entire first half is a story.

Best Songs: Circumstances, La Villa Strangiato, The Trees

Most Confusing Song(s): The entire first half - Though it's not bad, it's kind of weird of a rock band to sing about Dionysus and Bacchus.

8) Grace Under Pressure - Considered the worst Rush album, I actually really like it. Also considered the darkest Rush album.

Best Songs: Distant Early Warning, Afterimage, Red Sector A, The Enemy Within, Between the Wheels

Most Confusing Song: Red Lenses (it's true!!!)

7) Roll The Bones - Rush raps, kinda.

Best Songs: Dreamline, Bravado, Where's my Thing?, Ghost of a Chance, Heresy, The Big Wheel, Neurotica, You Bet Your Life

Most Confusing Song: Roll the Bones - seriously, white people from Canada shouldn't be allowed to rap, actually rap should be banned period.

6) Presto - First album of Rush released when I moved to Indiana in 1989. This album helped me ease through the fact that I moved away from waterfront property in Virginia to flat, cold, and landlocked territory of Indianapolis.

Best Songs: All, except.....

Most Confusing Song: Red Tide, never really warmed up to this one.

5) 2112 - The album that saved Rush, got to acknowledge that.

Best Songs: All, except.....

Most Confusing Song: Twilight Zone, did Neil get really baked one night and write these lyrics?

4) Power Windows - Unbelievably complex album, from a musician standpoint.

Best Songs: All, except...

Most Confusing Song: Manhattan Project - I like the lyrics, just don't like the song

3) Hold Your Fire - Completely sentimental album of mine. First Rush album bought with my own money, I actually have the tape framed.

Best Songs: All actually like all of them.

2) Signals - Really love this album, even though Rush fired their long time producer because of it.

Best Songs: All of them, especially The Weapon.

1b) Permanent Waves - I REALLY like this album, but I can never place it before Moving Pictures.

Best Songs: All except.....

Most Confusing Song: Entre Nous - only because I actually learned a French phrase. Other than that I like the song.

1a) Moving Pictures - no weaknesses, anywhere. Best....Rush....Album.

Time for a beer...and a cigar. More tomorrow, for Rush Geek Week.

Friday, October 5, 2007

Movies/Shows and the Causes They Have Wrecked

There are some movies and shows that have come out in the last couple of years that have tried to persuade us to live and think a certain way but failed miserably because they are so gosh darn awful. I'll cuss better later on in this rant. Here are a few......

The Sara Silverman Show

The Cause: That Sara Silverman is actually funny.

Where it failed: Well, everywhere. She is such a comedic black hole that she has now officially ruined Jimmy Kimmel. She should probably take a note from Margaret Cho; being foul mouthed comedian without any jokes does not make you funny, just a hack with a foul mouth.

The Solution: Just quit, seriously, porn is calling, maybe a underground tape of Silverman, Kimmel and Pamela Anderson in a three way would help you recoup your losses.

American Dad

The Cause: That conservatives are joyless, war mongering, neanderthals.

Where it failed: Giving all the good lines and jokes to the conservative neanderthal and giving all the unfunny and crappy lines to the liberal, named Haley, REALLY doesn't help. Unless, that how it is in real life. There is also the unflattering representation of Haley where she's always baked past noon and can barely get through community college. Plus the fact that Stan Smith (the neanderthal) is routinely viewed as a sympathetic figure, especially at the end.

The Solution: You know what? Steve Smith is pretty much carrying that show, send Haley to a real college or something.

The Mind of Mencia

The Cause: That Carlos Mencia creates and uses his own jokes.

Where it failed: YouTube ran a video showing where Mencia ripped off his jokes. The fact that Joe Rogan, who can barely pronounce his own name, exposed him is especially damning. There was also a YouTube skit (too lazy to post it) that shows Rogan out thinking and out maneuvering a grasping at straws Carlos while they were on stage duking it out, comically, not physically.

The Solution: Write your own jokes douchebag.

Passion of the Christ

The Cause: Not sure what the cause was. To convert non-believers to Christianity? We'll go with that.

Where it failed: Pretty much everywhere. The over use of slow motion, the deranged Hollywood actor drunk with power, money and hatred of Jews directing; the fact that this movie was really nothing more than a 3 hour snuff film; the fact that I wanted to convert to Buddhism within the first 10 minutes of the film and forget that I was ever a Lutheran from New Jersey; the whipping scenes that go on longer than it really should have; it goes on and on.

The Solution: Give Mel his own island ala Napoleon Bonaparte and make sure he never gets ahold of a camera again, then round up all Christians who actually thought this movie was good and give them a good spanking.

Battlefield Earth

The Cause: Scientology (please don't sue me!)

Where it failed: Same as Passion, everywhere. If Jon Travolta said that this movie is a comedy and not to take too seriously I think everyone would forgive him, eventually, because it was really funny. But the fact that he took this movie very seriously and the damning fact that this is considered one of the worst movies of all time should have really made everyone reconsider the religion that is Scientology. Then compound that with the fact that Travolta was willing to front his own movie to make a sequel should have given him a one way ticket to an insane asylum. But you have to admit, a religion which is based off a man who was knocking back Coronas on his boat wondering if he could get followers by making up a bunch of crap about aliens to get him more dough, you just have to marvel at that.

The Solution: Considering that fact that a lot of high profiled and rich Hollywood actors are involved in this, there really is no solution. But at least we know there won't be a sequel.

The Day After Tomorrow

The Cause: Global Warming

Where it failed: This web site will give a much better explanation of why this movie failed. Other than the fact that Al Gore was promoting this movie pounding on the podium that this kind of thing will happen in the future while the temperate outside was -2 degrees Celsius. Compound that with the fact that all global warming experts and Al Gore refuse to debate or take any questions from any detractors on the validity of their scientific findings in an open forum, making the cause very suspect.

The Solution: Debate or come clean, one or the other, quit hiding behind your boys from the media.

Super Size Me

The Cause: Vegetarianism, corporations are evil

Where it failed: Actually it didn't at first. Morgan Spurlock and his vegetarianism propaganda machine was doing pretty well. This documentary was chugging along with a lot of followers until common sense questions started to creep in.

1) Who can afford or have the time to eat McDonalds 3 times a day?

2) When you are a strict vegetarian (as Morgan Spurlock is) isn't the body going to reject any sort of processed food, making you throw up?

3) Who in the hell is dumb enough to eat McDonalds 3 times a day and believe that you won't gain massive amounts of weight and have body organs shutting down on you eventually?

4) Instead of pointing the finger at McDonalds for the poor diet of Americans shouldn't we be pointing the finger at ourselves? It's caused freedom of choice, we have the choice to eat or not eat McDonalds. We have the choice to eat healthy or crappy, to be in or out of shape. Why don't I drink nothing but beer for 30 days and I'll get back to you on how it works out, then we can go after the evil beer corporations.

The solution: Well, Spulock has pretty much disappeared, so there you go. It didn't help that he folded like origami under scrutiny during one news show.

There you go. Time for a beer, and some big macs.