Saturday, March 28, 2009

The Shittiest Rock Bands Of All Time

There are bands where you start thinking that god truly does not exist for letting these knobs roam the face of the Earth distributing their crappy music and horrific talent. Now, these are bands that I find 1) untalented and 2) write shittiest songs ever made. I mean SHITTY songs. The type of songs that you would risk a head on collision with a semi to hurriedly turn the station. This is why I love my ipod. Suck it you anti corporate snobs. Anyways here they are.

10) Nickelback - Not only do they suck but the lead singer hates his fans. Their songs sound like frozen bile in a sock beating a cat. It's awful, how these guys don't trip over vomit on the way out of their show is beyond me because I would throw up, convulse and then die in a pool of my own crap and piss if I were forced to see them.

9) Maroon 5 - Ugh, their damn music gives me cavities. Absolutely no talent, you can actually hear the drummer thinking before hitting the snare.

8) Rolling Stones - Go ahead and flame me bitches because seriously, they have no talent. I know that Charlie Watts plays decent jazz but he plays the same goddamn rhythm on each farking song. It looks like a retarded monkey trying to figure out how to jerk off. Bassists? There's a bassist? They need two guitarists to do the work of one and Mick Jagger couldn't hit a fucking note if a note was a fat fish in a small bucket and he's standing over it with an anti-fish bazooka. "hey Mick give me a C." OOOH. "No, a fucking C!" OOOOOOOHH! "God you suck." Yes, I know, Paint it Black is a great tune as is Gimme Shelter but having to sit through the rest of their repretoire gives me gas.

7) Hootie and the Blowfish - I know they are a great bunch of guys and it would be a hoot to sit through Bible study with them but Lord help me they are awful. Hold My Hand makes me feel like I'm in a middle of a Christian Rock band concert looking up and crying while touching pee pees with other converts in the building. This is why I really think Hootie blows.

6) Fall Out Boy - Alright, I give them credit, they did name their band from a Simpson character but fcuk me! Talentless and writing their songs consists of talking about their feelings while bitching about how their mascara smudges when they cry. They have to be ovulating right now as we speak.

5) Creed - If these guys were overweight assholes from Wisconsin they would be laughed off the stage. Scott Stapp has to take off his shirt in order to take the attention away from his crap songs. Their lyrics sounds like it was written by Sam from I Am Sam after suffering a debilitating, crushing head blow.

4) Bruce Springsteen - Sorry, him and his menopausal backing band from the 1870's are completely talentless. After watching his Super Bowl performance I have a hard time trying to figure out why baby boomers pony up multiple minivan payments in order to see him. He said that he's for the working class. Really? Then why does it cost $800 for an upper row balcony seat to see your shitty music. Seriously, after listening to Dancing In The Dark tell me that he actually has talent.

4) Don McLean - American Pie. I hate you. I fucking fucking fucking hate you you fucking waste of space. Getting ball smashing drunk still doesn't get the song out of my head. That shitty song is already stuck in my head by writing these words. These words right here. And here. And a little here. ......and here.

3) Green Day - Your best song is about jacking off. Really original gays, I mean, guys. I think the name of their next album is "Search for the Fourth Cord." I misspelled it on purpose because they are a bunch of really dumb fucks that only thing they know how to do is look good in front of the camera and selling out so much that even Moby has to speak up and say something.

2) Hole - My god, the only reason, and I mean the ONLY reason Courtney Love got this abortion off the ground is because Kurt Cobain couldn't take her music anymore and took the easy way out. I would eat a shotgun too if I had to listen any Hole songs. Hole? Oh, I get it, it has something to do with your vagina. Clever, get together with Green Day and write a completely shitty song that would instantly kill a human. I would rather listen to rap music made after 2000 then listen to this crap. Trust me, that's saying a lot.

1) Bush - Christ, where do I begin? From the shitty songs, song titles and lyrics to the awful fucking videos these guys just know how to make me wish my tinnitus was worse than it is. Their songs sound like emus being raped very slowly. I never jump at a radio station faster than I do when a Bush song comes on. Bush? Wow, really original. I'm sure it wasn't named after the presidents. I take it your girlfriends don't shave. The lead singer is the most talentless hack that ever crapped on a track. I actually thought their song Glysterine was called Listerine.

Dishonorable mentions: Motley Crue, Poison, pretty much every 80's hair band, White Stripes (probably should have been on this list), Coldplay, Goo Goo Dolls, U2 (after 1997), Phil Collins, Oasis, Lifehouse.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Rush Rush and More Rush....

Couple of Rush notes that I ran across. Apparently Rush will be in the new Movie I Love You Man which excites and disappoints me all at the same time. The director is a huge Rush fan and he has Rush play Limelight during a Rush concert (go figure) that the gay couple attends in the movie. If it's anything like my experience it's full of middle aged drunk white males that are bald or balding. But DAMN it's a fun experience. More guess this means I actually have to go to a movie...naw. I'll wait for the DVD.

Geddy Lee talks to Blender, which ironically ranked Neil Peart as the second, that's right, SECOND worst lyricist of all time. He talks about that and the fact that he wants to sue Al Gore. I'm sure that's with tongue firmly entrenched in cheek. HERE is the link.

I guess Rush will be back in the studio in the Fall, or whenever the fuck they feel like it to record their next album. I feel giddy about the possibilities, while I was disappointed in Snakes and Arrows (except for Main Monkey Business which is teh Shit!) it was still a shitloads better than any rock album that shat itself on the records shelves that year.

By the way. Writing this was a challenge, I just got back from celebrating St. Patricks Day and I'm seeing two computer screens right now.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Hmmmm...Puss..I Mean Wow. Not Sure How I Feel About This

Clink the link and let me know. Make sure you are not at work.

Homer Simpson Tattoo

I feel very horny and wanting to watch the Simpsons all at the same time.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

The Pacers Are Broke Yo

If you guys haven't heard, and I'm sure you've haven't, the Pacers have announced that they have lost more money than M.C. Hammer and Mike Tyson combined. When looking at the worth of the Pacers they are at 300 million, but Herb Simon says that they have lost 200 million since he took over the club in 19whatever. Many blame the shitty performance since thugs took over the team in 2004. But I say that if the thugs actually took the Pacers anywhere this would be a different situation. To me the whole thing started to snowball since Donny Walsh decided to hire the worst person in the world, no, not Rush Limbaugh there Keith Olbermann but Isiah Thomas back in 2001 when Larry Bird decided to "retire" to get great blowjobs from lot lizards back in French Lick.

Let's here from the owner himself, Herb Simon. Oh.....Herb.

-There comes a point where you have to say, 'Maybe I can't do this anymore,' Simon, 74, said in an hour long meeting with executives and reporters at The Indianapolis Star. Certainly my family, if I'm not here, is not going to be able to do it. So, let's straighten this thing out. Maybe we can't. But let us try. Sure, I would have picked a better time than the world's greatest economic crisis. The timing sucks, but that's what it is.-

Great, thanks a pant load there Herb the city builds you a beautiful building downtown and you decide that maybe you can't do this anymore. I know that really the NBA as a whole is a complete disaster and the Pacers are just swept up in the tsunami of the shit economy but threatening to move the team if the can't do this anymore is a dick move. This city has supported you through thick and thin and we abondaned you because you put together a horriffic team full of shitty contracts and thugs that can't shoot worth a shit, with guns and the ball. I still root for the Pacers, basically becuase I know this team won't be around much longer and the fact that if Indy loses any pro team we won't get it back....ever. I know you hippies don't give a shit and think that these teams don't do any good for the city, but when these teams do well, more jobs and more money, pure and simple. Just ask any economically depressed city their opinion, like Oklahoma City.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

NBA Going Down In Flames?

Oh well, grab the marshmallows 'cause I don't give a rat's ass. Bill Simmons aka The Sports Guy aka Tom Brady's official fluffer actually wrote a decent article recently talking about the NBA's current money problems. I would give you the link to the article but I hate Simmons and doing so would somehow encourage you to read him, which I wouldn't. In it it explained that 10 teams have accepted a loan from JP Morgan for like kagillions of dollars to keep them afloat. I would give you a actual numbers but if Obama can throw out ridiculous numbers I can too. But really who cares? I certainly don't, I would rather see the NBA go down in a raging inferno than the NHL, and I don't watch hockey. So why would I actually want to see the NHL stay afloat than the NBA? Well I know you liberals probably think racism which is usually the first thing to come to mind for you folks (that and homophobia) when me wanting a league filled primarily with African Americans to hit the bricks than a league full of Europeans and European Americans. But here are the real reasons I seriously hate the NBA (except for the Pacers, which I still watch and root for, that's right, I'm that guy).

It's Horrifically Predictable

Emperor Stern changed the format of the playoffs a couple of years back basically to make sure that the top seeded teams made it through without a scratch. It's a hell of a lot easier for an 8th seed to upset a 1 seed in 5 games than in 7. I believe this crap started around 2000 so that the star studded Lakers had a clear path to the finals so we could see Shaq foul and violate the 3 second rule, Kobe handcheck and carry like mad and Phil Jackson sit on the bench asleep while scratching his balls. Fun stuff. Last year I stopped watching the NBA when I saw Boston and L.A. in first place in their respective conferences. And lo and behold look who's in the finals. It's just too damn predictable.

It's Star Driven, Not Team Driven

When you hear any announcement about upcoming games you hear: "Lebron and the Cavs" or "Kobe and the Laker". I know that's just the way sports is nowadays but the NBA have really put so much emphasis on their stars that passing and fundamentals takes a back seat to showboating assholes.

The Officiating Is Ridiculous

Back in the glory days of Micheal Jordan you not only had to face Jordan but the officials. If you breathed on the guy he would take a trip to free throw line. And opposite of that he could basically get in a car and run people over and the officials would choke on their whistles. And that's pretty much the way it goes with any star player. Numerous people, Ralph Nader was one of them, have pounded the NBA for shoddy officiating. Sterns response? Usually an arrogant, childish comment questioning the person who dares challenge Stern intellectual prowess. And it's right there, questionble call after questionable call. Even if you point Stern's nose right in the pile of shit that is his doing he just arrogantly brushes it off. Then this happened...

Tim Donoghy

After Stern defended the officials to the hilt so much that he fined Mark Cuban jabillions of dollars for even hinting that the officials suck it turned out that one of his brethren was right in the middle of a point shaving scandal. Seriously, if your review of officials were that great and you shat on anyone who questioned your authority how did this whopper get past you? Shittiest commissioner ever.

Guaranteed Contracts

You just signed a hefty contract, say 10 years 100 million. You start sucking the minute the contract sucks, so, can you take money away from the player? Nope, for the next 10 years, healthy or not, they will sit back, jerk off and count their money while he plays shitty defense and clangs free throws. Oh, he can say he's injured and stay on the bench and not get one penny taken away. Welcome to the world of Matt Geiger and other shitty contracts. The thing is, he's one of hundreds of shit guaranteed contracts in the NBA and while you ask what does it matter. Shouldn't they have the right to do this? Sure, but it sure makes for some shitty NBA games. And it has killed the NBA.

Thug Life

There are good guys in the league, Tim Duncan, Lebron, etc. But for every Aurther Ashe there are 10 Tupaks all tattooed up and waiting to bust a cap in any ones ass. And it isn't just the players, it's the entourage and fans, take a gander at thisarticle from a couple of years back.

There are more reasons but I'm sick of this shitty post.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Nostalgia Run Amok - My Favorite Year

A couple of weeks ago friends of my wife came to town and wanted to go drinking, well gee, that's right up my alley. So we went to the nearest pub that served decent beer on tap, thankfully not far. In the course of the evening the conversation turned from politics (we were all hoping Obama would succeed, now were all Libertarians), to music (Creedence Clearwater is awesome) to death (don't ask) and finally to film. My sister in law asked the latest film that I watched. Max Payne, but I didn't finish it because it was fucking awful. Then I finally realized that the last two films that I have seen were Hellboy 2 (meh) and No Country For Old Men. It's really not because I'm old and I think all new movies suck, wait, that's exactly it. Well, we all love old movies and basically spent the rest of the night discussing the best of the best. The next night while I was downing down ice cold beer (the hair of the dog that bit me) I stumbled upon one of my favorite films, My Favorite Year (1982). I remember seeing this as a kid and thought it was great, even though my brother had to explain all the jokes to me. Well now 27 years later I watched it again and enjoyed the shit out of it. I enjoyed that fucking movie so much that I actually thought about humping the TV which I did after watching a documentary of Kay Parker. Look her up, just not at work.

The movie starred Mark Linn Baker. You might remember him as Cousin Larry from Perfect Strangers. That's right, now that shitty 80's song is coursing through your skull. The years have not been pleasant to Larry and he looks like father time has thoroughly beaten the shit out of him. He was pretty good as a rookie writer handling and looking after a drunken, womanizing yet charming Irishman Alan Swann.

Peter O'Toole was awesome as Alan Swann. You remember him from Supergirl, right? Anyways the one liners were plentiful and great. Here is a sample.

"I'm not an actor, I'm a movie star!!!"

(looking at a broken bottle of liquor), "That's a sad sight."

(After stumbling into a ladies room)
Woman: This is for Ladies Only!
Swann: (unzips fly) So is this madam, but every once in a while I have to run a little water through it.

(realizing that the skit he's doing is live)
"I haven't performed in front of an audience in 24 years. I had one line! And I forgot it!"

I know I'm an old man but I don't care. Movies suck donkey balls nowadays and I wish they made more movies like these. Who knows, maybe one day my born again son will tell me that they don't make movies like Pineapple Express anymore. That day will suck. But let me enjoy this day and this movie dammit.