Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Merry Christmas Assholes

It's Christmas, I'm drunk so I decided to write a really annoying post that the Godfather will eventually read, laugh, and wonder why he even bothers to come to this site. Mrs. Clause (my wife) decided to treat Mr. Clause with a nice bottle of Jameson to keep me warm and annoying. So since the dude is embiding with some wicked good whiskey I will count down the best Christmas specials of all time, before the liberals outlaw Christmas under Che Obama (yes, I'm kidding, I can't believe I had to add that disclaimer just in case a reactionary liberal visits this shitty site).

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964)

Nothing says horrifically creepy than a bunch of stop animation and shitty writing. But what did I know? I was 4 to 8 years old when I enjoyed this show. I still enjoy this special even though I'm tapped out drunk watching it.

The Simpsons (1989)

For those young bucks that were crapping their diapers during this time this was the first Simpsons ever aired on fox in December of '89. So while young John-O, Godfather and Prime Mover were jacking off to Victoria Secrets catalogue's and air drumming to Kixx this special made it appearance. While definitely not the best Simpsons it was the first and great to us considering that the only other funny cartoon on at the time was....ahhh....nothing. Back then this was a treat, this was gold, this special told us that even though we were white trash, everything will be alright. Unfortunately Roseanne kept reiterating that fact for the next 15 years.

Futurama (2000)

This wasn't really a special but was a really funny episode. Santa was created by Mom's robot company and wet completely nuts killing everyone that was naughty since it was illogical for someone to be completely nice in their lifetime.

Family Guy (2000)

Great year for Christmas specials. Even though Seth McFarlene will eventually initiate the banning of Christmas he did have a hand in creating a hilarious Christmas episode with a line that Mrs. Clause repeats every year (It comes out my holly, jolly butt!). I always play this once a year and probably will tonight before passing out in my own vomit.

Star Wars Christmas Special (1978)

I have yet to see all of this craptacular Christmas special in all it's shitty glory but I've seen a lot of it on You Tube. A singing, coked out Carrie Fisher. A very uninterested Harrison Ford trying to get Chewy home before Life Day (the Wookie equivalent to Christmas), and a young pre-scarred Mark Hamil singing to a bunch of socks. Bea Arther made an appearance as did the fuzzies. This episode never played again in it's entirety since 1978 and is a hard find due to the fact that George Lucas will do everything in his power to keep this crap from seeing the light of the two suns of Tattooine (which doesn't explain why he won't do the same with Phantom Menace), but it is so awesomely awful that it's an instant classic.

A Christmas Story (1983)

Everyone forgets that this actually was in a theater at some point. It bombed. But it's still a fixture in Christmas viewing that I don't miss any year. This also was the reason that my family went to Chinese restaurants every year, oh wait, no, we actually just had a lot of Jewish friends in Jersey.

SCTV Christmas Special (1981)

The Canadian equivalent of Mad-Tv but I will always love SCTV just because it so fucking funny, well, to me and a couple of other Canadian hicks, and maybe Geddy Lee. The Christmas special is so hilarious just because all the old SCTV staples go to a Christmas party and get horrifically drunk and sexually spunky. Probably one of the funniest Great White North episodes of all time....hoser.

I need another drink. know? I've never seen It's a Wonderful Life. Is that Un-American? Anyways....

How The Grinch Stole Christmas (no idea what year).

Before the no talent Ron Howard completely destroyed the novelty in 2000 with his horrific film this cartoon was always a staple to Christmas cartoon watching. Hooville is awesome, I wish I could move there.

Mr. Hankey's Christmas Show - South Park (1999)

The second best Christmas episode of all time. Christmas time in hell and especially Cartman belting out Oh Holy Night is just fucking hilarious. This put me in stitches the first time I saw it, and it still cracks me up to this day.

Charlie Brown Christmas Special (1965)

Has stood the test of time. Even though it's probably one of the most depressing Christmas specials of all time it's still one of my favorites. The dying Christmas tree, Linus bitching about the commercialism of Christmas, Snoopy deadhorsing Woodstock in his doghouse, it's still funny dammit. It also produced one of the best jazz albums of all time, Vince Giraldi made a fabulous soundtrack.

Anyways, Merry Christmas, Happy Hanuka and all that good stuff. Enjoy the Holidays douchebags.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

The Great Debate - It's Raining Men or How I've Learned to Accept My Inner Gayness

The Indigo Girls
Scott Thompson
Ellen Degeneres
Mike Greenburg
Jeff Garcia

They all want to get married legally. So what's all the hubbub? Why can't they and should they? Ahh the great debate of ghey marraige. John-O broke his silence(finally)and spoke his peace while reviewing bat shit insano's (Penn's) new movie Milk. I guaranfuckingtee you this will win best picture and best actor (ugh!). I refuse to see the movie, no, not because I hate gays. I just hate Penn with a passion because he's a total fucking, hypocritical a-hole and mentally unstable to boot. So I decided to read up on the actual person Harvey Milk. To tell you the truth, I was bored. Inspirational? Sure (especially coming out during those times) but really lost on me because I'm not gay, that and I'm totally fucking jaded. Now before I delve into the hot topic of Adam and Steve (or Eve and ahhh Carol?) tying the knot I would like to show this little ditty.

Kind of funny, though I think Jack Black and Margeret Cho are complete wastes of space. I take offense of it a little because they insinuate that all practicing Christians are against gay marriage. I love liberals, not all Muslims are terrorists but all Christians are homophobes and dumber than hell. Fuck you douches, I got a 510 total on my SATs, that is not dumb. Besides, Muslims are not exactly tolerant of gays. I've read many articles of gay men and women reciting how homophobic Muslims are, Chris Crain can tell you that first hand.


Why they should Marry: It's pretty much a fundamental right, isn't it? You can argue and argue but in the end (pun intended) it's pretty stupid that they shouldn't have the right to marry. It's the old joke, all gays should have the right to get half of their shit taken away. In the immortal words of Otto from A Fish Called Wanda, "Pork away pal, fuck her blue." That made no sense, but if and when gays do have the right do not, I repeat, do not come crying back to me when you realize how hard it is to be married, and how much of a commitment it really is because I don't want to hear it. Why you would come crying back to me, I don't know, but you get my point. You buttered you bread and now you got to lay in it. As one comedian said, where there's gay marriage, there's gay divorce. Just think of the billable hours the attorneys will collect settling gay divorces. But I've also seen first hand how gay couple's rights are taken away when their partner is sick in the hospital. Next of kin only, their partner, who they love and cherish and have taken care of all these years are out of the picture in place of family members who couldn't give a shit about them. That's wrong IMHO.


Think of the money spent on lavish weddings by the guys from Queer Eye. That helps the economy! Ok, I don't know how 10% of the U.S. population getting married will actually help the economy but you get my point.....again. Christ I'm rambling.

Why They Shouldn't: Cannot think of a good reason. Maybe someone else can. BUT, I do think it's someones right to be against gay marriage. Call it homophobia call it what you will but someone can object to someones lifestyle as long as they are not intruding on their rights. See? I just talked myself out of this because not allowing them to marry is against their rights.

Obama: It wouldn't be me without ragging on John-O for his ultra liberal views (channeling my inner Rush Limbaugh to his inner Olbermann) but Barack's stance on gay marriage is a little surprising. He's against gay "marriage", but he's for Civil Unions. Alright, not exactly surprising but seriously, old Democrats and Clinton people? That's our "change"? Plus he's backing away from almost all his campaign promises and he's NOT EVEN IN FUCKING OFFICE YET!! Except for the environmental one, which I think is hilarious. 1.4 Billion to turn blue collar jobs into green collar jobs, without an explanation of how or explaining how he will come up with the money to pay for it. Love it.

Anyways, this was a shitty post but you get my point. I'm personally against prohibiting gays to marry, shocker since I'm a half assed Republican and a Christian. What about you smucks? What do you think?