Movie Review Of A Movie I Didn't Bother To See

Witless Protection

Starring: Larry The Cable Guy, Some chick who should be on Cinemax being banged by some dude with a barbed wire tattoo, Jenny McCarthy, ummm..some other people.

Review: Larry The Cable Guy plays a Sherriff who rescues some chick who is a part of some Enron type scandal deal and the kidnapper turns out to be an FBI agent. Larry is a huge red neck and he constantly....wait....I just got it. Witless protection is a play on words for Witness Protection. Oh snap! That's fucking hilarious! Jesus, who comes up with this stuff?! Give that man a raise! The movie itself? Uhh....it sucks balls. I haven't seen it but I'm guessing it sucks worse than Jumper, another movie I haven't seen. Anyhoo....

Star Ratings

If your a hick: ***** (out of 5) and Five thumbs up.
Snooty Liberal: 1/2 *
Complete Drunk: *** (out of 5)
Meth Addict: ** (out of 5)
If you work for NUVO: 1/2 1/2 * since it didn't involve gays or Bush bashing.

Snakes and Arrows....Again

Remember the days when Rush would release an album after every fourth studio album or so? Well, now they are turning into Pearl Jam, about every half album they turn one out. Where Pearl Jam releases live albums solely to fund their socialist regimes, hair dye for Eddie Vedder and designer crap bags for Stone Gossard (cheap shot, I know), Rush does it for the fans and for the music baby! Not because they want to retire in style or keep up an expensive lifestyle or anything, fuck no. Well, they are releasing their Snakes and Arrows live CD April 8th for us geeky, sexless masses (hopefully Wonder Women can help us out with that). I wasn't even going to buy it considering I already have Rush in Rio and R30. Two live albums in 5 years is enough. Then I took a gander at the set list, look at these John-O and Mike.

Disc 1
1. Limelight
2. Digital Man
3. Entre Nous - They've never played this live, ever.
4. Mission - YES! YES! A MILLION FUCKING TIMES YES!
5. Freewill
6. Monkey Business - Should be great live.
7. Larger Bowl - eh..
8. Secret Touch
9. Circumstances - YES! I've always loved this song.
10. Between the Wheels - Probably won't top R30 version.
11. Dreamline - Always a crowd pleaser.
12. Far Cry
13. Workin' Them Angels - I really like this one. Wonder how it translate live.
14. Armor and Sword - Another that grew on me a lot. Though it goes on too long.

Disc 2
1. Spindrift - eh...
2. The Way the Wind Blows - Goddamit.
3. Subdivisions - Will DEFINATELY not top the R30 version.
4. Natural Science
5. Witch Hunt - Interesting, I likes.
6. Malignant Narcissism - Drum Solo - Looks like Neil tweaked his solo a tad.
7. Hope - I hope this doesn't put me to sleep. ZING!
8. Distant Early Warning
9. The Spirit of Radio
10. Tom Sawyer
11. Encore - Never heard of this song. Joke by the way.
12. One Little Victory
13. A Passage to Bangkok - Wasn't this song that Steve and Scott couldn't stand?
14. YYZ

So I'm pretty stoked. Rush will probably get another $20 of mine. I wonder if this will be the same set list they play when they blow through here again.

Best Season Ever? Best Super Bowl Run Ever?

Being racked with the flu this week I've been watching re-runs (god bless you NFL network) of the Giants run to the Super Bowl. So while I wasn't running to the toilet I have been watching every single game of the Giants and I had a few thoughts.

Has anyone mentioned this as a historic run? This has got to be the best run any team has accomplished against so much great competition in the playoffs.

They had to go through the #3, #2 and #1 offensives of the NFL in order (Cowboys, Packers, Patriots).

They were racked with injuries throughout the playoffs. O'Hara was gone during the Bucs game. Burris was playing on a torn tendon, Shockey was gone, and various players in the secondary were injured.

Do you realize how many rookies they played? Boss, Smith, Bradshaw, Alford (the dude that sent Brady five yards back on the next to last play of the Super Bowl), and others all played significant roles in their wins. Whoever the Giants GM is give him a fucking cigar.

Tom freaking Coughlin out coached Chucky, Phillips (which wasn't that hard really), McCarthy (who had coach of the year nods) and Belicheck (coach of the year).

They defeated the Packers at Green Bay on the coldest game ever (global warming my ass).

Only one team has ever won against a team in the Super Bowl that they defeated in the regular season. '72 Dolphins beat the Redskins in the regular season and the Super Bowl.

No passing leader of the year has ever won a Super Bowl, ever.

Why in the hell did the Pats get so conservative in the Super Bowl? They had all these trick plays that they did with regularity in the regular season and were unbelievably conservative in the Super Bowl.

Why isn't there more love for the Giants? All articles dissapeared for the Giants a couple of days after the Super Bowl. I doubt that would have been the case for the Pats if they completed their season perfect, especially on BSPN.com.

How is this not the best season ever? The Patriots go on a historic run, they become the Goliath of the league the team that people love to hate. They shatter all sorts of records. Favre goes on a run. Manning (of the Peyton variety) does well even with his best target gone and with a host of injuries. The Giants go on a run that I bet no one will ever copy again. Then Manning (of the Eli varity) has a hand in the best play in Super Bowl history, yes, even better than Lynn Swann, against the best team ever in regular season history. Just a classic season which I will never get tired of watching.

Not Another Rush Post! Jesus!

For those Rush fans that don't know tickets for Geddy, Alex and Neil's retirement fund go on sale this Saturday at 10am. Since I'm part of the Rush community, aging nerds with too much time on their hands, I signed up for the pre sale, basically trying to break the bank to get as close as possible. Me and the better half secured tickets in Section C row S. Not bad considering how much we paid (hint: not as much as I thought it would be).

Another reason I wrote this post is because of an article I saw on the website The Onion - AV Club. It lists the worse prog rock album cover art of all time. As soon as I saw the title I knew they were going to mention Rush, among other bands. They mentioned Emerson, Lake and Palmer's album Tarkus, Dream Theater's When Dream and Day Unite and Queensryche's Hear In The Now Frontier. The rest is here. I figured they would either mention Caress Of Steel or Hemispheres, they chose Hemispheres. And they are right, it is a shitacular album cover. When I first purchased the album back in 8th grade, about the time I came to grips with the fact that I would have a hard time getting laid due to my geekdom, I was confused with the album. I just thought they were two gay dudes on a brain with one of them naked, high and dancing while the other an uptight Englishmen. Then I read an interview with Hugh Syme, the man responsible for the artwork, and he stated that this was the first time Rush let him submit the artwork without them seeing it. I guess Neil didn't speak to him for weeks after seeing it after it was produced. It's still a sore subject to this day.

Anyhoo, I thought I would be positive for a change and list some of the best rock album covers of all time. At least the ones I like.

10) Ween - Chocolate and Cheese

Evertime I see this album cover, I get......erect.

9) Joe Jackson - Look Sharp

Cover that only shows a sharp pair of white dress shoes, pretty much the defining album cover of the late 70's early 80's.

8) New Order - Blue Monday single

The album is nothing more than a floppy disk which houses the 12" single. It put factory records out of business because for every dollar they made it cost two dollars to make the album. But you have to give it to Tony Wilson, it was bold.

7) Placebo - Without You I'm Nothing

Not only was it a good album name, it also was splendid artwork.

6) Primus - Sailing The Seas Of Cheese

Completly goofy album cover from a completly goofy band.

5) Suicide Machines - Suicide Machines

Complete recreation of a photo of the group The Who, complete with stances and wardrobe. I thought it was imaginative.

4) Van Halen - 1984

Nothing says badass like a young angel smoking a butt.

3. The Dwarves - The Dwarves Come Clean

Two naked chicks and a dwarf, need I say more?

2. Rush - Moving Pictures

Pretty much the defining Rush album cover.

1 b) Pink Floyd - Dark Side Of The Moon

Pink Floyd has always made imaginative covers, nothing says "lets get high as kites" then this album cover.

1 a) Led Zeppelin - Led Zeppelin I

This album almost ruined Led Zeppelin, but in the end it made them. Nothing like putting a disaster on your cover. I also was going to list House of the Holy. But the naked little girls makes my very uneasy.

There are others I have certainly missed, but this was the best I could do. List some of your own.

My Bad Pats Fans

I would like to apologize for my last post, that was kind of shitty of me. I was pretty drunk and was feeling the high of good Super Bowl. I watched the game at my in-laws and their best friend is from Boston (born and semi-raised) and we have ripped on each other over the years since I'm a Yankess/reborn Colts fan and he's a Sox/Pats/Celtics fan. I actually felt real sorry for him after the loss. I've never seen a man more dejected in my life, to have his team come sooooo close to inmortality only to be ripped away by another Manning. Since I'm a Colts fan I will never know the feeling of being that close to perfect. The entire house I was watching the game at were as anti-Patriots as I was (some actually worse than me) and we all kind of toned it down after the game for this poor soul. Oh well, at least the Sox won it all for you.

To All Patriot Fans

HAAAHAAAHAAAAAHAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAHAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OH GOD, OH GOD, HANG ON, HANG ON!!!!!!!!

HAAAHAAAAAAHAAAAAHAAAAAHAAAAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHHHAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OH JESUS, OH JESUS, OH GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HAAAHAAAAAAHAAAAHAAAAHAAAHHAHAHAHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WAIT WAIT, YOU MEAN, YOU JUST GOT BEATEN BY ELI MANNING, THE DUDE THAT TALKS LIKE GOMER PYLE?!!!!!!!!!

HAAAHAAAAAAHAAAAAHAAAAHAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WAIT, WAIT, YOU MEAN, YOU'RE SEASON ENDED AT THE HANDS OF ANOTHER MANNING??!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAHAAHAHAHHHAHAAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WAIT WAIT, YOU MEAN, CONGRESS IS ON YOUR BACK ABOUT ANOTHER SPYGATE?!!!

HAHHAHAHHHAHHAHHAHHAHAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHHAHAHHA

WAIT, WAIT, YOU MEAN, YOUR FIRST SUPER BOWL IS IN QUESTION NOW!!!!!?!?!?!?!?!!?

HAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WAIT WAIT, YOU MEAN THOSE DOUCHEBAG '72 DOLPHINS ARE POPPING CHAMPANGE AGAIN????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HAHAHHHAHHAHHHHAHHAHHAHHAHAHAHHHHAHAHHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WAIT WAIT, YOU MEAN TOM BRADY PLAYED LIKE SHIT???!?!??!!?!!?!!!!!

HAHAHHAHHAHAHHHAAAAAAHAHAAHHAHAAHAHHHHAA


Seriously, good run. Too bad the lost came in the post season.

P.S. You might want to check to see if Bill Simmons is swinging from a shower curtain.

HAHAHAHHHHHAHAHHHHAHAHHAHHAHAHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry, just taking a cue from the Patriots in regards to sportsmanship.