Sunday, June 28, 2009

Good Joke

I know people have already heard this by now but I think it's hi-larious.

Q: How many women have Michael Jackson screwed?

A: Just one, Farrah Fawcett.

Too soon? Who give a shit? I'm more bummed that Billy Mays died.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Rest In Peace Joan Jackson

Who knew he was unbalanced? I wish there was some sort of sign. Oh well, that's one way to get out of multiple lawsuits and child molestation charges.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Dane Cook's Guide To Sucksess

On one of my trips to the 'ol pooping hole at work I discovered a 2006 issue of Men's Health magazine. On the cover was Dane Cook, making one of his stupid faces, the title was "Dane Cook's Slacker Guide To Success." I only got through one paragraph before realizing that the road to success for Dane was a shitload easier for him than say a fat comic from Indianapolis. So I decided to rewrite the article for him. So...

Dane Cook's Guide To Sucksess

1) Steal Jokes From Other Comics.

Unethical? Sure. Dick move? You bet, but you can be an unethical dickbag all the the bank. It's as tried and true as the missionary position. Go to an untaped performance of a decent comic, say, Bill Hicks, take notes then basically repeat the jokes without even giving it a second thought. If questioned just ignore it or start yelling at the person doing the questioning. Before you know it your on your way to the top. But Josh, I mean, Dane, how can you rake in a shitload of taxable Obama dollars by stealing jokes? Well what do Carlos Mencia, Robin Williams and Denis Leary have in common? They are all rich as fucking hell and they all blatantly stole jokes from other comics. Hell, Denis Leary did one better and stole an entire persona. Then the poor bastard he stole from died before anyone was the wiser. Denis Leary is a lucky man, and you could be too.

2) Get A Decent Body

Since you'll be stealing jokes like Rosie O'Donnell you will have shitloads more time to work on your abs, gluets and biceps. Grab some weights some Muscle Milk and get your swell on bra. The audience will be less likely to boo you into oblivion if your packing a little heat on stage. Guys like Patton Oswald and Dave Attel have to be on top of their game due to their portly bodies and unsightly facial features. If you bomb at least you can raise your arms in your muscle shirt and squirt out your rock hard junk. Girls will dig it and guys will start thinking that they need to hit the gym without realizing that you told a shitty joke.

3) Make Unnecessary Exaggerated Movements On Stage...Also BE LOUD!

Works for Jim Carrey and Robin Williams and it could work for you. Flail about without any reason while telling a joke, for added effect BE LOUD! Raise your leg like a dancer while reciting a story about banging a chick. Arch your back and scream like Tarzan while doing a Tarzan impersonation. It works damn it! Robin Williams stage performance is 30% flailing, 30% imitating (gay guy, Wizard of Oz, black preacher, etc.), 30% Loud, 5% perspiration, 4.5% inspiration, 0.4% funny and 0.01% actual joke. But Dane, Robin WIlliams is really annoying. That's the fucking point. And look at him now, making tons of dough doing shitty movies and snorting coke off Christy Canyon's ass.

4) Be From Boston.

Or really any little town from Mass and Rhode I. Vermont is kind of pushing it. But take a gander at this list of famous people from Massachusetts. It's HUGE. That that doesn't even count assholes from Pravadance. So being a "southy" from "Bastan" gives you a much needed foot in the door. Even if you have absolutely no talent (Ben Affleck) or are really annoying (Mark Walhberg) or you actually have talent (J Mascis) you have an in. For added success wear your hat with the letter "B" on it and show up at Red Sawks games. Also show up and be really annoying when Bastan makes the World Series. It works I'm telling you. Do you think Steven King would have made it big being from Omaha, Nebraska? I think not. Think Matt Damon would be where he is today if he was from Albuquerque, New Mexico? How about Seth McFarlane of Family Guy fame? No. Fucking. Way. Having that annoying, bastardized version of a New Jersey accent will make you chic in Hollywood circles. Not from Boston? Move there as quick as you can, get the accent, become a fan, get liberal, then edit your Wikipedia and IMDB accounts as much as possible.

5) Be Very Liberal.

Actually this is just an option because you can avoid being political, but being a conservative is a great disadvantage to you in being successful, unless your a politician or a born again Christian preacher. For added success be very smug, arrogant and regurgitate all talking points from op-ed pieces from the L.A. Times, New York Times and Keith Olberman. Call everyone who has a different view from you childish names and hope rape on them and pregnancy on their underage children. Children? Going to far? Nope, just ask Dave Letterman. Make absolutely no sense when you debate someone on national t.v. Scream at them like Jon Stewart if you realize that you are making shit for sense. Also, go green. But Dane, I take private jets and slam more carbon in the air than a fucking volcano. See your ok, just SAY your green, you don't actually have to do it. Your not Ed Begley, Jr. for chrissakes. Works for Brad Pitt, Angolina Jolie, Leonardo DeCarprio, shit, the rest of Hollywood. See being liberal is basically a license to kill card. You can say the most racist insensitive things without being called out on it.

6) Don't Be Black.

Sorry, Dave Chappelle was a anomaly. If you are black you have to be a stereotype to the hilt, and even then you might not live long enough to see the fruits of your labor pay off. The road to success is still very racist my friends.

7) Be Gay (Last Resort)

This works well if your jokes are insanely unfunny (Ant) and if you are and unsightly piece of crap (Harvey Feirstein). It's not a slam dunk but it might work for you if all else fails. Gay rights are big in celebrity circles. Whatever you do, don't be talented and for the love of god do not do anything smacking of originality or hilarity. You could find yourself in obscurity hell like Scott Thompson. Be a stereotypical gay, be flamboyent, loud and annoying. Whatever you do, don't be funny. If your a lesbian, be careful. Rosie O'Donnel only got in because...actually I have no idea how the hell she got in.

8) Come Across As A Huge Slacker.

Kevin Smith started it and Dane Cook, me, kept it rolling. Being a slacker means your cool, man. Like you dig drinking, smoking weed and telling your boss to fuck off. People will instantly love you.

9) When All Else Fails, Dick, Vagina and Fart Jokes.

No explanation needed.

10) Don't Take Acting Lessons.

Complete waste of time unless your British and dig doing Shakespeare. When you make it big acting is a cinch. Why do you think Julia Roberts bombed on Broadway? Because she's a movie star, not an actor. And you can do take after take after take until you get it right. Paris Hilton. There you go.

Congrats! You made it big. But how do I keep the money rolling to keep up with my enormous lifestyle? Easy.

11) Run Out Of Ideas? Recycle, Recycle, Recycle.

Mike Myers movies are all the same and tell the exact same jokes. Hell if you watch Austin Powers 1 thru 3 non-stop you'll realize at some points (2 actually) that the movie started over with the same bits. Look at him now, he will never have to work again (unfortunately he still does). Make the same movie over and over again is the point. Romantic comedies will score you some quick recession proof scratch.

12) Make A Stand Up Comeback.

The stage is calling for you again, but instead of doing a shitty show at 1 am at the Chuckle Hut you will be booking enormous stages across the U.S. Do your stand up bits that made you big and for god sakes don't be funny. Not one fucking bit.

There you go, a quick Dane Cook Guide To Sucksess. See you at the Oscars fuck-o.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Media Bias? Naaaaaaaaw!

Great little ditty that if It wasn't so depressing it would be hilarious.

I was really never a fan of George Bush, I was really pissed with the first "stimulus" package but when Obama forced cracked his stimulus package through I was preparing for the worst (I still am, guns and gold, baby!). I remember a speech BOH made where he stated that if his package didn't pass unemployment would go to 10%. Well, were pretty much there and were in the hole trillions of dollars for it. Where's the media? Like BOH, still blaming Bush, an excuse that will run out eventually (I won't hold my breath on that one). The media really pisses me off. Just watch CNN or MSNBC for an hour and you can see they are clearly in the tank for BOH. Remember Katie Couric and her interview with Joe Biden? I was banging my head it was bleeding with all the softball questions and lack of historical knowledge between both of these morons.

Ugh. Granted Sarah Palin is a moron who was not hard to root out for Katie Couric but it was blatantly obvious Katie was in the bag for Obama. It's just sickening. I just want fair reporting, is that so much to ask? Well, at least Katie Couric's ratings are at an all time low.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

I Hate Getting Old, So Will You....

For those of you my age (and a little older) you understand what I mean by that. When your in your teens you feel indestructable and an age like 34 feels eons and eons away. To borrow from Neil Peart (I promise not to run for Vice President! ZING!)"Your only immortal, for a limited time." Nothing could be more truthful than that statement, or lyric, or whatever. Here are the things that I really hate about getting old.

-Going Out For A Couple Of Beers With Friends Seems Like More Of A Chore-

My wife asked if I wanted to go out to bw3's with a couple of her friends to watch a game. My response? "You mean I have to put on pants? Talk to people? Spend $30 on beer and wings when I have 24 perfectley good beers in the fridge right now? Ugghh, I guess." I literally took a crow bar to get me off the couch and into the car. It wasn't a bad night really I just really like being home with my tv and my beer.

-Never Trust A Fart-

No explanation needed.

-Everything Sucks-

I have no idea if it's because I'm getting old or movies and music are getting worse in quality. Every movie looks really stupid to me and 9 times 10, they are. Even the "independent" movies are getting worse. Unless your a die hard lib/socialist/whatever, most if not all independent movies really don't apply to me. I mean good god, a biopic on Che Guavera (probably spelled wrong)? I mean, the same dinks who watch this think that Bush should be brought up on war crimes for killing thousands of innocent people. Do I need to point out the irony in that? I still want my $5 back for renting Mystic River. I mean, there are a few exceptions like No Country For Old Men or even the recent Star Trek release but really movies really kinda blow nowadays. Then there's music. Granted I really shouldn't be talking since I was once dancing to "We Built This City" back in 5th grade but at least I knew it sucked back then. And I also had an appreciation of jazz and classical. Kids nowadays think Bach is a type of beer, hell I don't even think they know that.

-I'm Getting Smarter And Dumber At The Same Time-

I am reading a hell of a lot more than I did in my 20's, and it isn't just about football, porno and books about war (Vice President! Borrowed! Run! I did it again! The joke! Never! Gets! Old!), I actually do read books. I also read articles besides sports and comics in the paper, strange I know. Politics means more to me, something I swore I would never do but I do. Then there are the issues, I actually do read both sides of the story first before making my opinion, something I would not have thought of doing 10 years ago. Fox, CNN, MSNBC (Obama news network) and other networks/websites I read on a daily basis.

But I'm getting dumber. The other day my wife bought a blender so I could partake in fruit smoothies which I found out recently I really like, and since they are nutritious it's good for my fat bod. Well I could not figure out how to put the stupid thing together. I kept trying to jam the same piece over and over again into the cylinder. My wife comes along and puts it together in two seconds. Then after making a smoothie I unscrew the glass container, which has no bottom, now I find myself covered in smoothie goodness. I just stood there with a dumb look on my face. Just dumb as hell.

-My Body Is Breaking Down-

I started working out when I was in my early 20's and have been doing it consistently since. But still age has a way of saying screw you not matter how well you take care of it. I have aches and pains in places I never thought I could have aches and pains. When getting up from the couch I snap, crackle and pop more than my grandma. Thankfully I don't leave a pee stain on the couch like she did.

- People Born After 1990 Baffle You -

They are talking and walking and going to college. In 1990 I was in high school, and they were just wee ones shitting their diapers and giving their mommas chaffed nipples. What the hell happened?

- You Have No Idea What The Kids Are Talking About -

If you've ever heard people in their teens and 20's talk to each other about the new fad, new programs and celebrities it becomes apparent that you have no idea what in the h-e-double hockey sticks they are talking about. It's like their speaking a different language, like hip hop artists.

- You Get Sentimental A Little More Often -

I started crying at the end of Shawshank Redemption the other day. How gay is that?

- More Music Musings -

You're going down the highway jamming to a tune, thinking "damn, what a rocking fucking tune." Then the DJ comes in welcoming you to the oldies station. You feel yourself shitting your pants a little.

- Your Childhood Heroes Look REALLY Old -

Have you seen Harrison Ford lately? Do you know how old he is? 66. That's right, 66 years old. Indiana Jones, Han Solo and the crazy dude from Frantic is 66 fucking years old. I'm not going to bring up Rush, it's too painful.

- You Get Really Tired Really Easy -

Naps, they are great, or were for me. Since I got a night job I don't take them anymore. But before I started I took a nap at least 3 times a week. I never took one before before my 20's.

- You Fall Asleep At Wei.....