Thursday, November 29, 2007

The Best Worst Movies Of All Time

If you haven't noticed I like to write lists of crap rather than a random post generating my opinion. I was going to write a nasty little blog criticizing The Indianapolis Star for basically supporting a candidate for Mayor of Indianapolis rather than report the news and let us citizens decide on who we would like to vote for. This is why I hate the media of today, they generally mislead us and basically promote their own agendas and opinions (that goes for both sides of the political fence), which is why I and other drunk people go to places like The Onion for our news. Anyways, back to my crappy post, there are movies that everyone and their brother say is awesome and a "classic", these are some I feel are really overrated, hence the best worst movies of all time moniker.

1) Easy Rider (1969) - If I were high as a fucking kite 24/7 I would probably still really hate this movie. It's slow, crappy, and only for hippies who like to get baked and remember the good ol' days, if they can remember them at all.

Worse part of the movie - Hillbillies beat the ever loving crap out of Hopper, Fonda and Nicholson at their camp site with baseball bats. Nicholson dies and apparently Fonda and Hopper are so chocked up about their new friends death that they leave him there and continue on with their journey apparently free of injuries.

2) Shakespeare In Love (1998) - Won the best picture oscar beating out the more deserving Saving Private Ryan. Why? No idea, this movie was awful. It didn't help the fact that it starred chronic whiner Gwyneth Paltrow.

Worse part of movie - When Ben Affleck appears.

3) Forrest Gump (1994) - If someone told me that this would win best picture of the year beating out both Shaweshank Redemption and Pulp Fiction, easily the best of 1994, I would have called you a no good liar, then I would have bet my beer money that it wouldn't happen. I would have lost my shirt. A dumb guy running for 2 hours during the sixties and seventies, that's all the movie is.

Worse part of the movie - The running scene, pretty much the entire movie.

4) Gladiator - (2000) - The battle scenes were confusing, I had no idea who the hell was killing who half the time; it had hair lip Steve (Jacquan Phoenix); it left out some pretty significant facts of the time; and it had resident overrated actor and chronic head case Russell Crowe as the lead. I was disappointed because I usually love Ridley Scott movies.

Worse part of the movie - The awkward kiss between hair lip Steve and his sister.

5) The Godfather Movies (I and II) - I'll start out by saying that I know this is a classic, a majority of the people out there think these movies are the best of all time. I just didn't get it. I tried numerous times to sit down and watch them, the furthest I got was 1 hour, and that was because I was at the hospital bored out of my skull and there was nothing else on in the break room except this. I figured out the reason I didn't cozy up to this classic. I saw Goodfellas and Casino first before I even tried to watch Godfather, which is kind of like getting an ipod then going back to an 8 track a few years later. That was probably a bad analogy. But the main reason was Goofellas and Casino were based on real events, some embellishments of the facts but generally true which made it more interesting. Godfather was largely made up. Goofellas and Casino had nice snappy editing and speed through scenes at break neck speeds, which is great for my ADHD. Godfather was ploddy, slow, like watching two turtles screwing in molasses. Goofellas and Casino had DeNiro and Pesci pre sell out and over the top, Godfather had Marlon (I sound like I'm chewing on bacon when I talk) Brando and a young pre-whooha Al Pacino. Anyways, I know it's a classic, so I'll just agree to disagree.

6) Titanic (1997) - No explanation needed. This movie is the reason I now hate:

a) The academy awards.
b) Leonardo DeCrapio.
c) Any story or documentary on the History channel covering the Titanic.

7) Monsters Ball (2002) - Gave me a headache. Not only did it get best picture nods it also led to Holly Berry winning for best actress and leading up to her giving the loudest most annoying oscar acceptance speech of all time, narrowly beating out Sally Field. Just an aweful movie.

8) Brokeback Mountain (2004) - I had a really good gay friend where I use to work tell me that this was probably the most overrated movie of all time. The characters were crap, the story was crap, plus no homosexual man could get their rocks off watching Ledger and Gyeeennhhalll because there were no true love scenes, if you know what I mean. Those were his words, not mine. After watching about 20 minutes of it I realized my friend was right.

9) The Sixth Sense (1999) - Thanks to M. Night Shamalamadingdong every movie after this started to do the "twist" ending, usually with disastrous results. Cracked.dom covers these movies. In retrospect this movie was really not all that great, especially since M. Knight is probably the biggest egomaniac director around. He thinks he's Spielberg but he's actually Uwe Boll.

Worse part of the movie - "I see dead people."

There are others for sure...I just can't think of them right now.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007


Maybe John-O shouldn't read this. This comes from Gregg Easterbrook AKA The Tuesday Morning Quarterback one of my favourite sports writers out there. He contributes to and is part of a (some say liberal) think tank called The Brookings Institute. He wrote a compelling book called The Paradox Of Progress: How things get better but people feel worse. During his usual sports takes he has this to say about our boy Al Gore and his fight with manbearpig (global warming).

"Those Hollywood Searchlights Around Gore's Home Sure Eat Power: Gore wasn't the first quack to win the Nobel Peace Prize, and history suggests he will not be the last. Gore spent eight years in the White House, and in that time took no meaningful action regarding greenhouse gases. The Clinton-Gore administration did not raise fuel economy standards for cars and trucks or propose domestic carbon trading. Though Clinton and Gore made a great show of praising the Kyoto Protocol, they refused even to submit the treaty to the Senate for consideration, let alone push for ratification. During his 2000 run for the presidency, Gore said little about climate change or binding global-warming reforms. In the White House and during his presidential campaign, Gore advocated no consequential action regarding greenhouse gases; then, there was a political cost attached. Once Gore was out of power and global-warming proposals no longer carried a political cost -- indeed, could be used for self-promotion -- suddenly Gore discovered his intense desire to demand that other leaders do what he had not! It is a triumph of postmodernism that Gore won the Nobel Peace Prize for no specific accomplishment other than making a movie of self-praise. Gore caused no peace nor led any reconciliation of belligerent parties nor performed any service to the dispossessed, the achievements the Peace Prize was created to honor. All Gore did was promote himself from Hollywood, and for this, he gets a Nobel. Very postmodern.

An annoying complication of Gore's Nobel is that few realize the award was given jointly to him and to the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change, an organization well worthy of distinction. The IPCC is a group of scientists who have spent two decades studying climate change in obscurity, and in many cases without pay. The IPCC's efforts have been selfless, motivated only by concern for society. Had the Nobel Peace Prize gone solely to the IPCC, it would have been a great day.
An astonishing measure of how out-of-touch the Norwegian Nobel Committee seems is that it gave a prize to Gore for hectoring others about energy consumption in the same year it was revealed that Gore, at his home, uses 20 times the national power average. Gore's extraordinary power waste equates to about 377,000 pounds of greenhouse gases annually, or about 20 Hummer Years worth of global warming pollution. (A Hummer Year, TMQ's metric of environmental hypocrisy, is the amount of carbon dioxide emitted in a typical year of driving a Hummer.) When his utility bill made the news -- though apparently not in Oslo -- Gore responded by saying he buys carbon offsets. That takes you back to the offset problem: All offsets do is prevent greenhouse gas accumulation from increasing. If you really believe there will be a global calamity unless greenhouse gas emissions are reduced 80 percent, as Gore told the Live Earth crowd, you would buy offsets and cut your own energy use. Instead, Gore flies around in fossil-fuel-intensive jet aircraft telling others: Do as I say, not as I do!

After news of Gore's personal energy consumption broke, Gore spokeswoman Kalee Kreider told The Associated Press the utility bill was justified because "Al and Tipper both work out of their home." This raises the question -- what kind of work are they doing? Perhaps reanimating Frankenstein; in Frankenstein movies, there is always a lot of electricity crackling wastefully about. Here are other possible reasons the Gores' home requires so much energy:

• Gore is building a time machine to return to Palm Beach, Fla., in October 2000.
• The former vice president is doing everything he personally can to cause global warming, so he can claim his predictions came true.

• Gore is growing marijuana in his basement. [Note from the corporate legal department: This is strictly a joke, ESPN is not accusing Al Gore of growing marijuana. We stand by our allegation that he is a sinister kingpin of international rare-bird smuggling.]

• Members of Gore's species require high power levels to maintain human form.

• Al and Tipper don't just leave the lights on when they make out, they leave the lights on all over the house."

And what about Congress? Gregg.....

"Congress Talks Green -- Action Is Another Matter: As debate heats up in the Senate regarding "carbon trading" legislation to reduce greenhouse gas emissions, I commend to readers this new paper by TMQ pal Robert Stavins of Harvard's Kennedy School of Government. Stavins is the top environmental economist in the United States, and his paper, though not exactly beach reading, tells you everything you need to know about carbon trading. Plus, Rob must be a great guy because he has nine titles.
Raising mileage standards for vehicles and enacting a carbon trading system for electric power generation are two highly desirable actions Congress can take right now, without doing economic harm, to cut greenhouse emissions, improve national security by reducing U.S. reliance on Persian Gulf oil and push Detroit automakers to become more competitive so they stay in business. But instead of taking badly needed action, the House of Representatives last week spent $89,000 of taxpayers' money to purchase 30,000 tons' worth of "carbon offsets" for its antiquated coal-burning powerhouse. Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi declared the U.S. Capitol will be green by 2008, but this sounds to me like political yammer.

First, according to estimates by resource economists, carbon offsets need to cost $20 to $25 per ton in order to generate a significant profit incentive for innovators, and thus inspire technical breakthroughs that will stave off artificial global warming. If the Capitol paid only $3 per ton, it wasn't buying much. More important, if you really believe artificial global warming is a huge menace to society, you don't just buy offsets and continue using your antiquated coal-fired powerhouse -- because, after all, the offsets only prevent emissions from rising, doing nothing to reduce emissions. If you really believe artificial global warming is a menace, you buy offsets and cut your own carbon output, thus reducing emissions. This is the big fault with Al Gore's patting himself on the back for buying offsets: He has not reduced his carbon footprint. If he believed his own speeches, he'd both buy the offsets and cut back his carbon-intensive jet-set lifestyle.

Pelosi's talk of a "green" U.S. Capitol is especially phony when she refuses to allow the House of Representatives to vote on proposals to increase fuel-economy standards for vehicles. Higher mpg standards -- the average fuel economy of new cars, trucks and SUVs has not risen since 1988 -- are a million times more important to preventing artificial global warming than symbolic actions such as those being taken at the Capitol. Stricter mileage rules would not only reduce U.S. payments to Persian Gulf dictatorships but also make a significant dent in greenhouse gases because greenhouse emissions are proportional to fossil fuel burned. Yet while Pelosi announces lofty promises about a renewable Capitol, she won't schedule a vote on the strict new mileage standards backed by figures as diverse as President Bush and Barack Obama. (In the Senate, anything goes, but in the House, the Speaker has ironclad control over what comes to the floor.) Pelosi appears to want to prevent progress against petroleum waste so that Democrats can bash Republicans in 2008 by saying nothing has been done about automotive mileage. Wouldn't it be nice if the Speaker of the House were more concerned about the country than about political posturing!

They want to cooperate on reducing petroleum waste. Congress won't stand for that!
What of other political leaders? George W. Bush has proposed an international conference to negotiate nonbinding future goals for greenhouse gas reduction -- exactly the empty gesture his father proposed in 1992! As Juliet Eilperin of The Washington Post shows, all contenders for the presidency have embraced climate proposals that seem bold and sweeping. But read closely: None would have teeth until long after the bold politicians making the sweeping proposals leave office. Hillary Clinton, for instance, wants bold, sweeping action against greenhouse gases by 2030, when she would have been out of office for at least 14 years. John Edwards, whom TMQ likes because he emphasizes the forgotten issue of poverty, wants bold, bold, really bold action by 2050, when he will be 97 years old. Arnold Schwarzenegger is pulling this fast one, too. His bold, bold California climate plan has gotten him fawning press but does not require any action until after Schwarzenegger is out of office. Obama and Bush have backed higher mpg standards that would go into effect right now. But then, the lesson of Gore's Nobel Prize is that to talk big but do nothing of substance is what society rewards."

I wish we could see more of this from mainstream media, but we don't. Notice he bashes both sides of the political spectrum, we never see this in today's media because just like this article states, most (almost all) people in the media are Democrat or have contributed to liberal causes and would never question anyone like Gore or really any Democrat.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Best Gay Characters/People Of All Time

John-O bought up the fact that the main wizard in Harry Potter is indeed gay. While I really don't give a crap about anyones sexual orientation I found this quite odd because Rowling's characters are already 7 books in. I'm not quite sure if this is bold or not, especially in this day and age, but it is what it is. Striving for equal rights and acceptance or jamming an alternative lifestyle down our throats? Such a fine line sometimes.

Anyways I thought I would revisit some of the best gay characters and people of all time.

1) Scott Thompson - Very funny on Kids In The Hall, his Buddy character is one of my favorites on that show. I tried to find the clip on YouTube where Buddy decides to coach an all lesbian softball team but I couldn't. Easily one of the funniest skits on the show. I also find his over the top performance as a straight business man hilarious.

2) Big Gay Al - South Park - First gay character on one of my favorite shows of all time. The very flamboyent and lovable Al runs a commune for gay animals which in itself is hilarious. Also had the best song in the South Park movie back in 1999. He is also responsible for millions of people to say "I'm super, thanks for asking" for about 3 years after the movie came out, which, unlike any Austin Power characters, never gets old.

3) Jim J. Bullock - Hollywood Squares, Spaceballs - I actually liked Hollywood Squares because of him. I heard there was an incident where Alf made a homosexual joke Jim didn't take to well, he took him from the center square and jammed a cat down his throat screaming "Suck on this bitch!" That actually didn't happen but I would pay to see it. His Prince Valium character in Spaceballs is a classic.

4) Ellen Degeneres - After the Ellen show - Before she came out I really didn't find her stand up act all that funny, kind of like a female version of Jerry Seinfeld. She came out during her show and immediately set in on her angry lesbian phase which got her show cancelled (probably unfairly, but the show did start sucking after she came out) and landed into the arms of resident space alien and all around shitty actress Anne Heche. She chilled out, dumped the alien, and finally started to make me laugh and now I find her quite charming and funny. She also shattered the stereotype that there are no happy go lucky lesbians.

5) Mr. Garrison/Mr. Slave - South Park - Mr. Garrison and Mr. Slave had me in stitches for years until the South Park duo decided to Have Garrison go through a sex change. The actual show that Garrison got the sex change cracked me up but it also sacrificed Mr. Slave, which kind of sucks. Mr. Slave's whore out competetion with Paris Hilton is permantly saved on my DVR.

6) Mr. Smithers - Simpsons - Though he never actually came out and admitted that he was gay there were so many innuendoes and hints that even Inspector Cluesou would have figured it out. Probably one of the most beloved characters on the Simpsons.

7) The Entire Cast of Winnie the Pooh - Nuff' said.

8) Liberace - Though his music sucked out loud you can't help love his over the top fashions and style.

9) Bob Mould - Sugar, Husker Du - Probably has one of the loudest guitars ever. He is definately underrated as a musician and guitarist. Husker Du is one of my favourite Indy bands of all time. The funny thing about Husker Du was the fact that the one guy you thought was gay (the bassist) wasn't, and the two other dudes you would never figure on being gay were (Mould and Hart).

10) Aaron Copeland - Composer - Made some damn fine music, especially Fanfare for the Common Man.

11) Ian McKellan - Actor - It's Magneto baby! One of many great casting decisions made by the movie creators of the X-men movies (Patrick Stewart was born for Professor X). He's done some other good stuff, like, uhhhh, oh Gods and Monsters.

12) Chuck Palahniuk - Author - Had no idea he was gay, which really doesn't matter. Even though his books are really starting to suck it big time he's still one of my favorite authors of all time (yes, I do read sometimes).

That's all I can think of.

Saturday, November 3, 2007

A Tip For the Colts Against New England

Just a few tips for the upcoming game for the Colts:

1) If Vrabel is in the game in a goal line situation put a guy on him. For some fucking reason no other team in the NFL has gotten this yet.

2) Brady throws a majority of short passes over the middle directly in front of him. Might want to put a safety there. Again, no other team has caught on to this yet.

3) If they run up the score put a hat on Brady's knees or knock the crap out of Randy Moss before he can get off the line.

4) If you are near Belicheck throw an out pass and purposely over throw so Dallas Clark can run into Belicheck on the sidelines.

5) Please for the love of god beat the Patriots!

Food For Thought

Has anyone noticed that all Belicheck's ex-assistant coaches are stinking it up as head coaches? Mangini, Crannell, Weiss, all under .500 for their career as head coaches. Grown accustomed to cheating?

What exactly were on these tapes and did the Patriots turn them all over? Notice that the NFL destroyed them all and would not comment if the Patriots cheated in the super bowl.

Wasn't there a time when running up the score was unprofessional and cosidered an asshole move? Now ESPN and the like are in awe of it. What the hell?

Thursday, November 1, 2007

Indiana Pacers - 2007- 2008 Preview

This comes a day late (and a dollar short) but I'll do it anyways. My lovely wife scored suite tickets to the Pacers v. Timberwolves pre-season game a couple of weeks back so I got to see our Indiana Pacers up close and personal. So while I was pounding free beer, nachos and fruit I made mental notes and compiled my drunken opinion on how the Pacers will shape up for the waaaay too long NBA season for 2007-2008. They started out pretty strong last night without Jermaine O'Neal which made me proud. But since the NBA is as fixed as WWE (without the steroid induced murder-suicides) there is no fucking way Herr Stern would allow the Pacers anywhere near the NBA finals. But since I'm a Pacer fan for life, I'll give my stupid, drunken opinion of them. Trust me, if it weren't for the Pacers I would have stopped watching the NBA a looooong time ago.

The Ranking System Ala' Major League

They're Shitty
They're Still Shitty
These Guys Aren't Too Fucking Bad
We Can Beat the Yankees

Head Coach - Jim O'Brian

O'Brian took over after the Pacers mercifully wacked Jim Carrey as coach and decided to pump some energy in a very stagnant, slow and plodding offense that was killing us under Carlilse. So far, so good. The Pacers took Washington by surprise last night with the constant up tempo offense. But can the Pacers keep up this frenetic pace? We'll see..

Verdict - These Guys Aren't Too Fucking Bad

The Team

Any other GM would have been shown the door if they made the moves that Larry (I look 80 years old) Bird has made over the years. Last year he basically traded Al Harrington for Al Harrington then traded him again for a couple of white boys and a loss of a 1st round draft pick. Not as bad as Isiah Thomas, but still completely crappy. However the team is rid of all egos that basically killed it in the last two years (Stephen Jackson, Ron Artest, Al Harrington) and has replaced it with a roster that had me saying, "who are these fucking guys?" But let's run down the new talent the Pacers have.

Travis (You're killing me Smalls) Diener - Looks like the kid from the Sandlot, but he can pass, run and hit the 3 with regularity. Too bad his defense sucks.

If I'm not mistaken, that's pretty much it for new talent that the Pacers will use regularly.

The rest of the team is what you remember from last year after that horrific trade: Jamaal Tinsley (slimed down), Jermaine O'Neal, Danny Granger, Troy Murphy, and Mike Dunleavy.

Verdict - The Guys Aren't Too Fucking Bad

The Offense

Up tempo, break neck speed, hit the open man, hit the three. The Pacers field goal percentage was crap last night but it was a welcome site compared to the granny trot that was Jim Carrey's offense last year. But can they keep this up the entire year?

Verdict - The Guys Aren't Too Fucking Bad

The Defense

In order to win they are going to have to score more than the c-note they give up regularly to other teams. In other words....

Verdict - They're Shitty

The Bench

Couldn't pick them out of a police line up. Showed promise last night, but, this could easily tank if they go on a long stretch of losing.

Verdict - They're Still Shitty

The Management

Did I mention the horrific trades and draft picks made by Larry Bird? Yeah, I'm sure I did.

Verdict - They're Still Shitty

My Drunken NBA Predictions


Will probably finish 6 or below in the Eastern Conference and then get bounced in the first round. But Jim O'Brian did actually take the Celtics to the 2002 Eastern Conference Finals, so who knows? Like I am with the Ohio State Buckeyes and the Indy Colts, cautiously optimistic, but will probably blow up in my face, and I'll go drink and cry and cry and drink some more.

The Rest of the NBA

Eastern Conference Champs - Pistons, or whoever Herr Stern wants to win.
Western Conference Champs - Suns, or whoever Herr Stern wants to win.
NBA Champs of 2008 - Whoever Herr Stern wants to win.