Saturday, June 21, 2008

The Most Overrated Directors Of All Time

A thought occurred before I started writing this crappy post. The Godfather and John-O, the two I originally hooked with up on the blogosphere, most of our friends are either currently working or have at one point in time worked at a movie theater. Weird. Anyway, I was inspired to write this post because a certain movie came out and it's no surprise that most critics are kicking the shit out of it. A little hint, it was originally called The Green Effect. But I thought I would compile a list of directors I think are totally overrated. Enjoy, or don't, whatever.

The Director: Clint Eastwood

High Times: Bird, Firefox, Outlaw Of Josie Wales, Pale Rider, Heartbreak Ridge
Low Times: Blood Work, The Rookie, True Crime

The Overrated: Unforgiven (Oscar winner), Million Dollar Baby (Oscar winner), Flags Of Our Father, Letters From Iwo Jima

Analysis: All the overrated movies suffer from the same exact thing, slow as fucking hell. The pacing makes me want to grab a couple of ensures and crap in my adult diapers while complaining that it's "too cold in here." Unforgiven was just boring and brutal, a shitty combination, Million Dollar Baby was horrifically overrated and unrealistic (seriously, that many people would show up at a womens boxing match?!) and both Flags and Letters just made me so depressed I wanted to crawl in the back of a hearse.

The Director: Spike Lee
High Times: Malcolm X
Low Times: Practically everything else.

The Overrated: Do The Right Thing, Mo' Better Blues, Jungle Fever

Analysis: We get it Spike, you hate white people now how making some good movies you friggin midget. In all reality Spike should of just quit after making Malcolm X because there was absolutely no farking way in hell he would ever top that again. All of his movies look like they were directed by NYU film school dropouts and the music in his movies are so fucking overbearing I feel that the orchestra pit is sitting directly behind me and not in the movie.

The Director: M. Knight Shamilamadigleberry
High Times: Sixth Sense
Low Times: Lady in the Water, or was it lake? Who gives a shit?

The Overrated: Everything else.

Analysis: I give M. Knight credit he does have a unique directing style, too bad his scripts suck out loud. His ego is Hulk huge, almost like he pays people around him to say shit like: "Signs does make sense, don't you change a thing." "Come on M. Knight, the movie studios have no idea how good Lady in the Water will be." "Make the Happening, it doesn't sound stupid. Make it your environmental movie, people will really think that they could be infected with a neuro toxin and die in horrific ways if they are bad to the environment." Whoops sorry, SPOILER ALERT. I admit, I have not seen The Happening and I only managed to get through roughly 30 minutes of The Village and about 5 minutes of Lady before taking out the DVD and chucking it back at the general direction of Blockbuster. But I already knew the endings so what's the point of going on? Actually I don't know the ending of Lady and somehow I don't give a shit.

The Director: Steven Spielberg
High Times: Saving Private Ryan, Shindler's List (or fist if you're into the porn), Raiders of the Lost Ark, Indiana Jones Last Crusade, Jurassic Park
Low Times: Always, AI (complete crap), Minority Report, Hook, The Terminal, War of the Worlds, Jurassic Park II and III

The Overrated: E.T., Catch Me If You Can, Munich, especially Munich, Jaws

Analysis: I really never thought Jaws was that great of a movie, there are a couple of good lines and I have always liked Roy Scheider as an actor but I just never thought it was all that great. E.T. and AI I have always thought were pretty much the same fucking movie, and when he digitally removed the guns from the people going after Sam Cassel, I mean E.T. I really started to hate Spielberg. Munich I thought was pretty much the ol' "let's not fight back if terrorist attack, let's be like France and let someone else deal with it" typical BS that hard core liberals are throwing around nowadays.

The Director: Ang Lee
High Times: Nothing
Low Times: Hulk

The Overrated: The Ice Storm, Brokeback Mountain, Eat Drink Man Women

Analysis: I saw roughly 30 minutes of Brokeback Mountain and I wanted those 30 minutes back. If Brokeback replaced the gay couple with a straight couple it would probably have been voted the worst movie of the year. I actually sat through Hulk and I wanted to shoot Stan Lee for even making the character Hulk. After watching The Ice Storm I can see way people living outside of the U.S. would think Americans suck. Eat Drink Man Women? Never saw it I have to admit, it just looked too artsy fartsy for me.

The Director: Oliver Stone
High Times: Platoon, Wall Street, Talk Radio
Low Times: Any Given Sunday, U Turn, Natural Born Killers, World Trade Center, Alexander, Nixon, Heaven and Earth

The Overrated: JFK

Analysis: The guy pretty much lost it after 1988 producing no movies with any redeeming qualities. He actually blamed the right wingers for the failures of Alexander completely ignoring the fact that the movie was a complete abortion. As for JFK? There was a great documentary on the JFK assassination on the History Channel which showed that Lee Harvey Oswald could in fact have killed JFK by himself. The one HUGE thing in the movie that was completely ignored was the fact that Oswald was an exceptional marksman. Oh and also the gun could be fired within the time allotted to blow off JFK's dome. Oh, and most of the "facts" in the movie were in fact complete lies. I felt violated when I learned this, I actually took some of the movie for fact. The documetary makers actually called for Stone to come in and be interviewed about his movie but he refused. When asked about his innaccuracies all he had to say was that he needed to make the movie entertaining, he had to exaggerate the facts a little. This is about the time I started to hate liberals.

The Director: Alan Smithee

High Times: Nothing
Low Times Everything

The Overrated: Nothing, all his movies suck

Analysis: This guy keeps getting job after job even though his movies suck complete balls. How this complete waste of space still manages getting gigs even though it's obvious that he has no talent is way beyond me. I mean, Jesus Christ monkey balls!

Note: I'm kidding.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

They Posted This In The L.A. Times? WTF?

Bush Never Lied To Us About Iraq

In a nutshell it turns out (according to the article) that Bush simply got bad intellegence. Which goes completely counter to most slogan chanting, mud slinging, mad dog, frothing at the mouth, far left wingers, or Keith Olberman. I read this type of article around 2003 or 2004, but most people just attacked the writer's credibility instead of looking at the substance of the article, much like this one. I know bad intelligence from the CIA doesn't exactly make the medicine of the Iraq war go down any easier, but there you go.

I just wish there was more of an open honest debate about the Iraq war, kind of like global warming. The "I'm right, your wrong, go fuck yourself for not thinking like I do" thing really gets me pissed off. The media has been slinging so much shit around about the war it's really hard to know what's right and what isn't. On one hand I wish we never invaded but on the other I'm pretty damn happy Saddam (and his murdereres for sons) are out of power and maybe a chance for democracy to exist in the middle east could be obtained. When Keith Olberman rants and raves about Bush and his lying his way to war I think he's full of shit. When Rush Limbaugh defends Bush about the war I think he's full of shit. Who's right? Who fucking knows right now. Either way I still don't hate America for invading (or for electing Dubya) which many left wingers have subscribed to since the invasion. This is a great country. Flaws? Sure, every country has flaws, but the U.S. is still great. Just ask any Cuban who washes up on shore. Just ask any Canadian (I have, at work) who can't find jobs and are sick of paying shitloads of taxes. Ask any U.S. citizen who used to be citizens of an oppressive country (Iraq, Iran, North Korea, it goes on and on). I have my hand over my heart right now with the U.S. anthem playing in the background by the way. Who knows what historians will think of the war but one things for sure, I hope they don't contribute to the Democrat of Republican party.

There are only a couple of things I know for sure:

Saddam did harbor terrorists, yes, he did.

The U.N. by in large is corrupt but still important to the world, and us.

and countries are pissed at us about Iraq ONLY because it hit them in the pocket book.

Do I personally agree with it? No idea. I've read some convicing articles pro and con about the war.

Always happy to have a cordial debate on the subject. No name calling.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Hold Your Fire - Rush Concert Postponed

Those of you that didn't get the news Rush postponed their June 25th concert until July 24th. The NBA finals and some wicked weather in the west forced them to. Which sucks because now the concert is 3 days before my wife's due date. Which means either she stays home and I sweat it out for 3 hours at the concert or she comes with and I drag her around on a hand cart praying to Christ that a child doesn't come shooting out of her during the drum solo. Of course this really shouldn't bug me since my wife was with me at Nickey Blaines downtown on her due date with our first child, she had him 5 days later, induced. Ahh memories. Anyways I'm going dammit. I just hope our child cooperates.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Father Time And A Baseball Bat

I upgraded my Dish channels the other day and was happy as hell to learn that VH1 classic came with it. Well, in the course of enjoying 120 minutes (man I LOVED that show back in the day) a video from Blondie came on, a recent one. I couldn't believe my eyes. What in the hell happened to Debbie Harry? She looked horrific. I know we can't all grow gracefully like Sean Connery or Judy Densch but these next few really looked like father time took a baseball bat to them.

Tim Robbins
What he was then: A hard bodied Nuke Laloosh throwing heaters at mascots and screwing everything that moves. He was also the replacement for Goose in the soft core gay porn movie Top Gun.

What he is now: A 50 year old lesbian.

What happened: Given his meandering speeches about stiff winds and loss of free speech I'm guessing drugs. That and living with Susan Surandan.

Michael Stipe
What he was then: It could be argued that Stipe never really looked all that good, like his guitarist. But there were some times he didn't look bad, especially when he rocked the long hair.

What he is now: A white Starvin Marvin with huge pits.

What happened: Drugs. I'm also guessing god punished Stipe for writing Shiny Happy People.

C. Thomas Howell
What he was then: Pony Boy, the fresh faced kid who was in classics such as The Outsiders, Soul Man and Side Out.

What he is now: Old. The guy is only 41 years old and he looks 61, fuck me man chow down on some placenta or something.

What happened: Unknown but I'm guessing drugs, lots of drugs and a shit load of aging pills. If such a thing exists.

Priscilla Presley
What she was then: Frank Dreben's love interest, oh, I guess she was married to someone really famous that died. I forget who exactly.

What she is now: What looks like a tranny who god his/her face bashed in.

What happened: Pills, lots of pills and a couple of botched plastic surgeries.

Melanie Griffith
What she was then: The working girl with big blond hair and a nice rack.

What she is now: What looks like a deflated blow up doll with fucked up lips.

What happened: Alcohol and pills with a crappy botox injection mixed in. On a side note you got to hand it to Antonio Banderas, he's stuck by his disfigured women.

Brigette Nielson
What she was then: Every teenage boy's mid to late 80's fantasy and Sylvester Stallone's personal trainer.

What she is now: A very tall, wrinkly, used up F list celebrity.

What happened: Alcohol, pure alcohol. Which would explain her having sex with Flavor Flav.

Cameron Diaz
What she was then: A fairly good looking girl with a great bod, at least in Mask anyways.

What she is now: A troll doll without the funky hair.

What happened: Pure genetics, her face is just a dumping ground for wrinkles and blotches.

Sylvester Stallone
What he was then: The Italian Stallion hugging and kissing Apollo Creed.

What he is now: A walking anti steroid ad. His face looks like he swallowed a bike tire pump. Plus old men with muscles really makes me lurch.

What happened: Enough steroids that would take down the entire East German Olympic team.

Debbie Harry
What she was then: Mastubatory aid to all new wave fans world wide.

What she is now: Just. Looks. Awful.

What happened: What I didn't realize was the fact that Debbie made it big with Blondie when she was 32 years old. I never realized she was that old. So she's just an overweight 63 year trying to rock on stage. I'll just cut her a little slack.

Anna Nicole Smith
What she was then: A Playboy playmate with a million dollar rack and a 5 cent head.

What she is now: A coffin stuffer

What happened: Too soon?