Sunday, December 12, 2010

Thanks To The Makers of Tron:Legacy, You've Ruined My Childhood

The movie isn't even out yet I think Tron: Legacy sucks complete donkey balls. And the makers, whoever the hell they are have completely ruined what's left of my childhood (George Lucas, The Police and the rest of The Who being the others). Why am I being such a cranky pants about this? Well, because 1) it's obvious that Hollywood has completely run out of ideas and 2) Tron was the last movie I truly treasured and a imperfect masterpiece (yes, I know that this is a contradiction). Anyways if you've seen the trailer, sorry, but I just know this movie is going to be horrific. Worse than Brokeback Mountain, worse than Haiti, worse than the floods in India (where in the hell were the celebs for that?) Am I going too far with that analogy? Probably, but fuck it, no one reads this shitty blog anyways. Anyways here are the reasons this movie will be worse than Obamacare. Alright that was too far, nothing is worse than that. Anyways...

1) The George Lucas Principle

Basically the makers are cashing in on my generation nostalgia just like Lucas did with his reprehensible episodes I - III. And since they are doing this the makers know that they can trudge any sort of shitty writing out there as long as everything looks really fucking cool. And if all goes well (marketing) numbnuts with worn out Ghostbusters shirts and mortgages will belly up to the window and fork over 100 bones to see it. See, when I first saw Episode I - III I basically told myself it was good because Star Wars was my favorite thing in the whole world and I couldn't believe George Lucas would put out such sub-standard work just in the name of profit. Well he did, and once I actually hit my adulthood (age 35), I realized that episodes I-III were really, really awful. Now, I'm not going to be fooled again, no way fucko!

2) It's Really Shiny

The original Tron was truly a labor of love. The fucking thing was really hard to make. Seriously, look it up. It took 5 years for the damn thing to be made because this was basically the first true CGI movie. And it was almost all done by hand and without the aid of huge computers with shit-ton of memory and graphics. It was done by rotoscoping and really....big computers. Well with 1/10000 of the processors we have today. Plus the writers of the movie had the script first, then worked on the really cool graphics. Now all the attention will be towards the graphics and when all that is done they might spend a little time on the script. Just like every big market Hollywood movies today it's going to be all bark and no bite.

3) Daft Punk is doing the Soundtrack.

No explanation needed.

4) Everyone's a Sellout

It's true, there is truly no Indy movie or movie star today, and if there is they're surely almost dead of a heroin overdose by now. Money truly speaks, just ask Leonardo "private jet, stop global warming" DiCaprio, Michael "$4500 a day for a spa, capitalism sucks unless it applies to me" Moore. And especially ask Sean "I love murderous dictators and making shitty lib movies" Penn. And now ask Jeff "the dude" Bridges. Seriously Jeff, you look ridiculous, please stop. I want to watch True Grit if only to watch you shoot Matt Damon and skull-fuck him.

5) It's Been Waaaaaaay Too long Between Movies

Seriously, 18 years. They called in Cindy Morgan and subsequently wrote her out of the script. They called in David Warner and they dragged in a corpse that looked similar to David Warner. They had to CGI the fuck out of Jeff Bridges to make him look presentable. Plus, it's already firmly entrenched in my brain that Tron (the original) is one of the best nerd movies of all time, It's part of my childhood experience, the good one this time, there is absolutely no way you can make the sequel better than the original. Ask the makers of Alvin and the Chipmunk movies, the Squeakwul was a complete shitstorm compared to the awesome original.

6) Cliches

In the trailer the dialogue is horribly cliched. And I believe I heard someone yelling "WOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" when driving the tank. Fuck that. This will suck. There will be suckdom.