Thursday, December 20, 2007

Perfect Season or Perfect Douchebaggery?

I have been busier than a one legged cat trying to cover up it's own crap on a marble floor so I had to catch up with what everyone has been saying on the ol' blogs. John-O mentioned how the Pats are having a hell of a season and we should all just enjoy some good football. He took the high road, I'll be taking the lowest of low roads to explain why I seriously hate the Patriots and pretty much every team in Boston. If anyone has noticed, I'm pretty much in the third rung of sports hell right now, the Sawx won the series, The Celtics are winning at a record clip and the Pats are going to have a perfect season. It's as if I got down on my knees last year and prayed to god, Buddha, Allah and Elvis during halftime of the Colts Pats playoff game last year to let the Colts win. And they answered back "All right, but Boston will win every sports category next year and ESPN, Bill Simmons and Peter King will be especially annoying about it." Fine, whatever, just give the Colts their win. And here we are, butt chin Brady and the Pats are going to win it all. Here is why I'm not impressed with their unblemished streak or with the records they are breaking.

1) They're Douchebags (or just really bad sportsmen)

After securing a win against the Colts one of the Pats took the ball and spiked it on our logo. Surprisingly enough this isn't the first act of douchebaggery that they have performed, they also:

a) Ate popcorn on the way out of Cowboys stadium after their blow out win.
b) Mimicked Merriman's dance on the Chargers logo last year.
c) Mimic the Eagle flapping every time they faced and scored on the Eagles.
d) Run around like their asses are on fire after every win (or score) with Tom Brady looking like Arnie from "What's Eating Gilbert Grape" slapping his head and screaming "We won football game Gilbert!!!!!" Thank Christ there's never a water tower in sight.
e) Taunt whenever possible.
f) Continuously get away with cheap shots (not so much this year).
g) Constantly complain to the officials after every play.

Plus the whole running up the score thing really bugs me, it also bugs me that every sports analyst see nothing wrong with it. I remember when the entire sporting world was all over Sam Wyche and his Bengals (when they were good) for purposely running up the score against Jerry Glanville and the Oilers. They called him a bad sport for having a grudge against Glanville. And now? Oh it's alright, it's the Patriots, it's cool. It's hard for me to get fired up with a team full of dicks, a head coach with a personality of a fence post who got caught cheating and a bunch of ban wagon a-holes sporting Brady jerseys even though they have never stepped in Boston city limits. I understand if your a kid and you identify with Brady but when your over 13, from another city, and are only rooting for the Pats because they are winning, well then you suck. Plus New England fans are irritating, even more so then Yankee and Ohio State fans put together.

2) The Tapes

The were caught cheating even after being warned. Many NFL pundits have stated other teams have done this and it's not a big deal. Ok, who? Tell me teams, don't just tell me everyone does it. Who else, other than the Pats, have been caught? No one. All sports analyst also say that it really doesn't help get an edge in the long run. Ok, then why did the Pats do it if it wasn't to get an edge? And if it isn't a big deal, why did the NFL make it illegal? The NFL confiscated and destroyed all the tapes without mentioning if there was any Super Bowl evidence on the tapes. Which, at least to me, makes me wonder if the Pats Super Bowl wins were legit. Plus the whole Bellicheck non-apology apology had shades of Nixon after Watergate.

3) They Play In a Weak Division

And I mean a WEAK division. The Dolphins are probably the worst team since the 1976 Buccaneers, plus their head coach couldn't even hack it with the Indiana Hoosiers football team. The Bills are better then last year, but not really. The Jets? Yeah, not good, 3-11 is not exactly what I would call impressive especially when it's headed by a Bellicheck disciple. Meanwhile the Colts are getting their heads bashed in by the Jags, Titans and a improved Texans team. If you stick the Pats in the Colts division do you think they would come out with a spotless record? Maybe, maybe not. One things for sure there would be injuries..which leads me to...

4) Rodney Harrison and HGH

Resident loud mouth and douchebag Curt Shilling said that Clemens should give back his Cy Young awards if he was on HGH when he accomplished these feats. This from a guy who refused to talk to Mitchell and is also old and mysteriously pitching well. But people forget that Rodney Harrison was suspended for the first four games this year for receiving a shipment of HGH. Sooo, are all the Pats on this or just Harrison? Is this why they aren't having many troubles on the injury front this year? Any body else notice that a very old linebacking core has had little to no injuries this year? I mean Teddy Bruschi can come back from a stroke yet Marvin Harrison can't come back from a knee bruise. Hey, if Bill Simmons can make wild accusations on a weekly basis, why can't I?


It was founded in Springfield Massachusetts and has a host of ex Boston sports writers on their staff including one Bill Simmons that is prominently featured in the magazine and on their web site, so ESPN is basically one big sports page for the Boston Globe. Don't believe me? This is what was on and ESPN after the Sawx won the world series in 2004: Many articles written about busting the curse, many articles about Shilling's bloody sox, Peter Gammons article about how great it is for Boston to finally win it, many Bill Simmons blubber posts, Photos from charity events featuring Bronson Arroyo singing with Peter Gammons and Johnny Damon, article about the queer eye makeover with 3 Boston players, advertisements for Bill Simmons book "Now I can die in peace" that ran through the next year, an hour long special featuring Dennis Leary doing his best to bring back his accent before the ring ceremony game, the ring ceremony, the game after the ring ceremony where the Sawx played the Yankees, Johnny Damon honeymoon photos, Bronson Arroyo personal photos, many articles about Schilling sans bloody sox, David Ortiz clutchness articles, Manny being Manny articles, article by Stephen King, it goes on and on. I get it, the Red Sox haven't won in a while.

The next year the White Sox won it all. The first time since 1917 (?) plus the whole Black Sox scandal that lingered over the head of that organization like the Bambino curse. What did ESPN have to offer after their monumental series win? A still photo of the White Sox catcher getting his ring and a half assed article written by Chicago native Scoop Jackson. Whoopie.

Seriously ESPN pom poms for all Boston teams waaay too much. Right now I can turn on ESPN news and see a scroll that say Patriots, Pursuit to Perfection. Did they have this in 2004 when the Colts had their run? Nope.

6) The Way They Are Breaking The Records

Running up the score in an attempt to break all the records seems like a complete douchebag move considering how many bad teams the Pats faced this year. Tom Brady is about to break Peyton Manning's record for single season touchdowns. Yet seeing Brady in a shotgun formation with 1 minute left in a blowout game really doesn't make me all that impressed. When Manning broke the record in 2004 he regularly sat out the fourth quarter during blow outs. You know how many fourth quarters he sat out? Roughly two games worth. You know how many fourth quarter touchdowns Manning threw in 2004? 1. How many fourth quarter touchdowns has Brady thrown? Good question, I don't know, but it's a hell of a lot more than 1.

I know, I'm ranting. I'll stop

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