Sunday, August 31, 2008
It's Football Season!
Mid America Sports is back in action. Just click the link on the right. Let's start talking sports yo!
Saturday, August 30, 2008
92.3 The New 94.7?
On Tuesday night going to work I actually heard one of my favorite songs of all time from The Who...Slip Kid, I have never heard anything from The Who before on 92.3. I know their favorite group Pearl Jam cites The Who as one of their main influences but I seriously have never heard note one from Pete Townsend's main source of income for child porn before. Anyways..the next day on way way to work I actually heard Led Zeppelin Kashmir. Led fucking Zeppelin. I actually had to hit the recall button a couple of times to make sure I was on the right station. Has 94.7 infiltrated our favorite hippies from the south? Please say it ain't so.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Movies I Was Pleasantly Surprised With
There are some movies that I really just don't want to see, I have no interest, they look really lame, or they star director/writers/actors that I don't care for. The following movies are the ones I was pleasantly surprised with.
Rules of Attraction (2002)
Why I Didn't want to see it: After seeing American Psycho I immediatley wanted to take a shower, then I was afraid that Patrick Bateman would storm into my bathroom and fillet me like a hooker. I didn't take a shower for a couple of days. I put two and two together and realized the same author who wrote American Psycho wrote Rules of Attraction starring James Van Der Beek (Don't have the effort to look up the correct spelling of his name) which is another reason I didn't want to see it.
Why I Was Pleasantly Surprised: The acting of the cast including Sean Bateman (there, I'll just use his character name)was top notch. I was pretty shocked that the same lame ass that starred in Dawson's Creek where he stares across a creek for hours on end wondering if he should have pulled out did a bang up job as a self absorbed trust fund drunk/druggie a-hole. Not only that, there is something about watching rich people self destruct, it's hypnotizing. The script was also great, I was amused by the little one liners thrown about. Not only that it's one of those movies where the auxillary characters (Richard, I mean Dick) are pretty amusing and/or scary as hell.
Funny Note: Fred Savage's brother plays a junkie a little toooo well.
Oscar Worthy IMHO: Naw, but still pretty good.
Eastern Promises (2006)
Why I Didn't Want To See It: I promised myself after sitting through Return of the King that I would never see another Viggo Mortensen movie ever again. The guy is so method it's creepy, I wonder if he went home after shooting was done to hump his sword. But after he started tea bagging the U.N. and using simplistic slogans for complex world issues like: "No blood for oil" I really started getting annoyed with him.
Why I Was Pleasantly Surprised: He was the second best thing in the movie. His acting was phenominal (Oscar nod anyone? Did he get one? I didn't watch the Oscars too intently this year) and I was even able to keep down the 10 beers I consumed during the bath house knife fight scene (he was buck naked with his wee wee flopping around like a wind sock). But the movie centered around something near and dear to my heart, the mob. I know the mob sucks and they are scum but man are they interesting (See: Henry Hill, Lefty Rosenthal). But he portrays a Russian mobster, IN LONDON. So all my bases were covered, takes place in London (big british film fan), about mobsters (tight!), Russian mobsters (tighter!), great script (euphoria!), great directing (I need a cigarette).
Funny Note: John-O's review of the movie actually got me to see it. Though I don't think this country sucks, too bad.
Oscar Worthy IMHO: Absolutely.
Clerks II (2006)
Why I Didn't Want To See It: Exhibit 1) Jersey Girl, Exhibit 2) Dogma, Exhibit 3) The last half of Chasing Amy. Kevin Smith really went downhill after Chasing Amy (redeemed himself a little with Jay and Silent Bob strike back, kinda). His special little nerd gen x apathy magic seemed to run out since he now owns half of Jersey, the other half being owned by Bruce Springstein. Clerks II seemed to be his way of cashing in on his former success, like his heros George Lucas and Steven Speilburg.
Why I Was Pleasantly Surprised: Smith stuck with the formula that made Clerks successful, all Randall all the time, with only limited amounts of Jay and Silent Bob and a shitload of juvenile humor. Though it was hard for me to imagine anyone looking like Dante could ever weasel his way into bed with anyone that looked like Rosario Dawson I thought the film was hilarious.
Oscar Worthy IMHO: Right.
Funny Note: I guess Jay is clean now.
No Country For Old Men (2006)
Why I Didn't Want To See It: After Oh Brother Where Art Thou the Coens went with Intolerable Cruelty (sucked) and a remake of a classic (The Lady Killers, which was so so). The Coens also got caught in the gravitational pull that is George Clooney which means any movie with him will ultimately suck, but the money is great. So I figured they were going the way of TMZ and leaving their quirky little movies behind.
Why I Was Pleasantly Surprised: Anton Chigurn is probably the best bad guy since Darth Vader, bolt statement I know plus what really stood out for me was the directing, almost flawless. Even Woody Harrelson was tolerable and there was no George Clooney in sight.
Oscar Worthy IMHO: Yes, thankfully it won, but Crash won last year which has me wondering if this is actually an honor anymore.
Funny Note: Burn After Reading looks really shitty.
Kiss Kiss Bang Bang (2005)
Why I DIdn't Want To See It: When people drop the smack as Robert Downey, Jr did they usually become awful or unfunny (see: Robin Williams, Miles Davis, Metallica, Chevy Chase, practically everyone). That and Val Kilmer looks pretty...odd, I mean, everyone ages but when someone from Hollywood ages it looks almost comical, like they think they can get away with drinking/drugging heavily and somehow botox and plastic surgery will make it better. In a few years I wonder if the corners of Val's lips will meet at the back of his head.
Why I was Pleasantly Surprised: Downey did a great job as did Kilmer. The script was very imaginative and the film is very self depricating, I wish more of Hollywood films were like this. I noticed that it didn't matter whether or not Downey trips balls he's still a great actor, though I thought Chaplin was a little heavy handed.
Oscar Worthy: Nah
Funny Note: Nothing really to note.
A Scanner Darkly (2005)
Why I Didn't Want To See It: I thought the rotoscoping thing would annoy the hell out of me, but it didn't. The movie also starred Woody Harrelson and Wynona Rider, both a huge pox on acting. I don't mind Keanu Reeves for some reason.
Why I Was Pleasantly Surprised: I should know that anything from a Philip K. Dick book is worth watching, with exception to Screamers.
Oscar Worthy: Maybe for Downey, Jr.
Funny Note: It took longer to animate (18 months) then it did to shoot (23 days)
Rules of Attraction (2002)
Why I Didn't want to see it: After seeing American Psycho I immediatley wanted to take a shower, then I was afraid that Patrick Bateman would storm into my bathroom and fillet me like a hooker. I didn't take a shower for a couple of days. I put two and two together and realized the same author who wrote American Psycho wrote Rules of Attraction starring James Van Der Beek (Don't have the effort to look up the correct spelling of his name) which is another reason I didn't want to see it.
Why I Was Pleasantly Surprised: The acting of the cast including Sean Bateman (there, I'll just use his character name)was top notch. I was pretty shocked that the same lame ass that starred in Dawson's Creek where he stares across a creek for hours on end wondering if he should have pulled out did a bang up job as a self absorbed trust fund drunk/druggie a-hole. Not only that, there is something about watching rich people self destruct, it's hypnotizing. The script was also great, I was amused by the little one liners thrown about. Not only that it's one of those movies where the auxillary characters (Richard, I mean Dick) are pretty amusing and/or scary as hell.
Funny Note: Fred Savage's brother plays a junkie a little toooo well.
Oscar Worthy IMHO: Naw, but still pretty good.
Eastern Promises (2006)
Why I Didn't Want To See It: I promised myself after sitting through Return of the King that I would never see another Viggo Mortensen movie ever again. The guy is so method it's creepy, I wonder if he went home after shooting was done to hump his sword. But after he started tea bagging the U.N. and using simplistic slogans for complex world issues like: "No blood for oil" I really started getting annoyed with him.
Why I Was Pleasantly Surprised: He was the second best thing in the movie. His acting was phenominal (Oscar nod anyone? Did he get one? I didn't watch the Oscars too intently this year) and I was even able to keep down the 10 beers I consumed during the bath house knife fight scene (he was buck naked with his wee wee flopping around like a wind sock). But the movie centered around something near and dear to my heart, the mob. I know the mob sucks and they are scum but man are they interesting (See: Henry Hill, Lefty Rosenthal). But he portrays a Russian mobster, IN LONDON. So all my bases were covered, takes place in London (big british film fan), about mobsters (tight!), Russian mobsters (tighter!), great script (euphoria!), great directing (I need a cigarette).
Funny Note: John-O's review of the movie actually got me to see it. Though I don't think this country sucks, too bad.
Oscar Worthy IMHO: Absolutely.
Clerks II (2006)
Why I Didn't Want To See It: Exhibit 1) Jersey Girl, Exhibit 2) Dogma, Exhibit 3) The last half of Chasing Amy. Kevin Smith really went downhill after Chasing Amy (redeemed himself a little with Jay and Silent Bob strike back, kinda). His special little nerd gen x apathy magic seemed to run out since he now owns half of Jersey, the other half being owned by Bruce Springstein. Clerks II seemed to be his way of cashing in on his former success, like his heros George Lucas and Steven Speilburg.
Why I Was Pleasantly Surprised: Smith stuck with the formula that made Clerks successful, all Randall all the time, with only limited amounts of Jay and Silent Bob and a shitload of juvenile humor. Though it was hard for me to imagine anyone looking like Dante could ever weasel his way into bed with anyone that looked like Rosario Dawson I thought the film was hilarious.
Oscar Worthy IMHO: Right.
Funny Note: I guess Jay is clean now.
No Country For Old Men (2006)
Why I Didn't Want To See It: After Oh Brother Where Art Thou the Coens went with Intolerable Cruelty (sucked) and a remake of a classic (The Lady Killers, which was so so). The Coens also got caught in the gravitational pull that is George Clooney which means any movie with him will ultimately suck, but the money is great. So I figured they were going the way of TMZ and leaving their quirky little movies behind.
Why I Was Pleasantly Surprised: Anton Chigurn is probably the best bad guy since Darth Vader, bolt statement I know plus what really stood out for me was the directing, almost flawless. Even Woody Harrelson was tolerable and there was no George Clooney in sight.
Oscar Worthy IMHO: Yes, thankfully it won, but Crash won last year which has me wondering if this is actually an honor anymore.
Funny Note: Burn After Reading looks really shitty.
Kiss Kiss Bang Bang (2005)
Why I DIdn't Want To See It: When people drop the smack as Robert Downey, Jr did they usually become awful or unfunny (see: Robin Williams, Miles Davis, Metallica, Chevy Chase, practically everyone). That and Val Kilmer looks pretty...odd, I mean, everyone ages but when someone from Hollywood ages it looks almost comical, like they think they can get away with drinking/drugging heavily and somehow botox and plastic surgery will make it better. In a few years I wonder if the corners of Val's lips will meet at the back of his head.
Why I was Pleasantly Surprised: Downey did a great job as did Kilmer. The script was very imaginative and the film is very self depricating, I wish more of Hollywood films were like this. I noticed that it didn't matter whether or not Downey trips balls he's still a great actor, though I thought Chaplin was a little heavy handed.
Oscar Worthy: Nah
Funny Note: Nothing really to note.
A Scanner Darkly (2005)
Why I Didn't Want To See It: I thought the rotoscoping thing would annoy the hell out of me, but it didn't. The movie also starred Woody Harrelson and Wynona Rider, both a huge pox on acting. I don't mind Keanu Reeves for some reason.
Why I Was Pleasantly Surprised: I should know that anything from a Philip K. Dick book is worth watching, with exception to Screamers.
Oscar Worthy: Maybe for Downey, Jr.
Funny Note: It took longer to animate (18 months) then it did to shoot (23 days)
Sunday, August 24, 2008
A Night At The Oil Can
I totally pulled a John-O, I took my camera to the opening of The Oil Can (Lucas Oil Stadium). Thanks to the Godfather giving me free duckets I got to peruse the stadium with other Colt fans, but I was the only one with a Gonzalez jersey. Anyways enjoy the photos.
The last time you'll see the floor this clean again. I like the cup holders and the seats actually could fit my fat ass just fine.
And god said "Let there be a meaningless preseason game!" The first time the dome is opened. You would have thought Jesus himself walked through the door, people were estatic, It was kind of loud.
Nice view with the dome open and Atari bad guy replica building in the background.
Insert Liberal or Conservative joke here.
Our boys in blue.
Definatley a step up from the RCA dome. A lot more family friendly and fan friendly. Wide open spaces and with the dome open you get a really nice, cool breeze. The beer is still really expensive and taste like making love in a canoe (fucking close to water) but it was a great experience. As for the game? We left midway through the second quarter. Steve, your new seat mates to your right, the chick doesn't shave her legs and the dude would not shut the fuck up.
Friday, August 22, 2008
Beating A Dead Horse (Natural Sun Cycles and Global Warming)
Thought this little youtube ditty was pretty interesting. Enjoy. Please be open minded even if your an Al Gore disciple.
Wow! I mean, wow! You mean your telling me that when the sun warms up the earth warms up? And when the sun cools down the earth cools down? What a motherfuckingballslappingtaintlickingjimsorgisucking concept! This must have been funded by Exxon or something.
Wow! I mean, wow! You mean your telling me that when the sun warms up the earth warms up? And when the sun cools down the earth cools down? What a motherfuckingballslappingtaintlickingjimsorgisucking concept! This must have been funded by Exxon or something.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Interesting Little Diddy.....
....About global warming. To quote Meatwat from Aqua Teen Hunger Force, "I found it interesting and edubecationous. I'm sure it's being crapped on by the IPCC as we speak.
Monday, August 11, 2008
Ranking The Rush Instrumentals
I read this little piece about groups that usually sing but have put out a good instrumental. They have some of the usual suspects, Led Zep (Moby Dick), The Who (The Ox), Fugazi (Brendan #1) and others. Actually Fugazi has done some great instrumentals over the years. But what surprised me was they actually listed Rush at #3 early in the list for YYZ. Knock me over with a Friggen feather. A lefty site giving Rush love. Anyways it inspired me to list my fav Rush Instrumentals.
(Note, I'm not counting 2112 or Hemispheres because they are technically part of the song/story, I'm just listing the stand alones. Also Cygnus X-1 technically had words to the music in the beginning).
In Order......
8) Hope - Snakes and Arrows. Just Alex, but still kind of enjoyable if I'm IN THE MOOD. Tee hee.
7) Limbo - Test For Echo. John-O said it right the other day, Test For Echo REALLY sounds like it came out of the late 90's. I still like this song though.
6) Where's My Thing (Part IV - Ganster of Boats Trilogy)- Roll The Bones. Reminds too much of high school for my liking but I still jam to this from time to time.
5) Leave That Thing Alone - Counterparts. I really like this song, probably one of my favorites from Counterparts.
4) Malignent Narcissism - Snakes and Arrows. One of the 3 instrumentals on S&A. It was actually an afterthought but it now intros Neil's drum solo on the S&A tour.
3) La Villa Strangiato - Hemispheres. The longest instrumental. Very long, very complex, very cool.
2) The Main Monkey Business - Snakes and Arrows. A song that actually made the Godfather a fan of Rush. It's that powerful my friends.
1) YYZ - Moving Pictures. The best by far in this group. I guess the beginning is morse code for YYZ which is the airport indentifier in Toronto. It's actually pronounced Y-Y-Zed. Oh the things you learn over the years.
(Note, I'm not counting 2112 or Hemispheres because they are technically part of the song/story, I'm just listing the stand alones. Also Cygnus X-1 technically had words to the music in the beginning).
In Order......
8) Hope - Snakes and Arrows. Just Alex, but still kind of enjoyable if I'm IN THE MOOD. Tee hee.
7) Limbo - Test For Echo. John-O said it right the other day, Test For Echo REALLY sounds like it came out of the late 90's. I still like this song though.
6) Where's My Thing (Part IV - Ganster of Boats Trilogy)- Roll The Bones. Reminds too much of high school for my liking but I still jam to this from time to time.
5) Leave That Thing Alone - Counterparts. I really like this song, probably one of my favorites from Counterparts.
4) Malignent Narcissism - Snakes and Arrows. One of the 3 instrumentals on S&A. It was actually an afterthought but it now intros Neil's drum solo on the S&A tour.
3) La Villa Strangiato - Hemispheres. The longest instrumental. Very long, very complex, very cool.
2) The Main Monkey Business - Snakes and Arrows. A song that actually made the Godfather a fan of Rush. It's that powerful my friends.
1) YYZ - Moving Pictures. The best by far in this group. I guess the beginning is morse code for YYZ which is the airport indentifier in Toronto. It's actually pronounced Y-Y-Zed. Oh the things you learn over the years.
Saturday, August 9, 2008
The Best (And Worst) Of Mental Handicapped Acting
There's an old saying, if you want an Oscar act retarded, I mean literally retarded. Playing a mentally challenged individual is not easy, there's preparation, clothing to be picked out, helmets to be tried on, mittens to be stapled to coats then recreating this in front of the camera with the film crew desperately trying not to laugh like hell. Here are the best and worst.
Leonardo DiCaprio - Arnie - What's Eating Gilbert Grape
Pretty much Leo's best role, seriously, everything else compared to this is complete crap. I don't care how good The Departed is Leo pegged the angst of a 16 year old handicapped boy who likes to decapitate bugs in mailboxes and climb water towers perfectly. When finding his morbidly obese mother dead, shit, sorry, SPOILER ALERT, Leo does a great job freaking out, hitting his head then cower to the corner like a horse seeing a shotgun.
The Mental Handicap Portrayed- The Indie Retard. The standard 3 year old speech, the hands, hitting his own head like a confused George Forman seeing himself in the mirror all kit and caboodle in the behavior patterns of a mentally challenged person in an indie film.
Rating: 3 out of 4
Cuba Gooding, Jr. - Radio - Radio
Standard check list before cameras rolled on Cuba. Jump up and down like a child? Check. Crappy clothes? Check. Yell out plays to the opposing team like a two year old on crack? Check. Run head first into a fence chasing a football? Check. This is pretty much Cuba's best role since, umm, errrr, oh that episode of MacGuyver.
The Mental Handicap Portrayed - Copycat Retard. Cuba really just imitated the real Radio, not much of a challenge there. Plus they are both black and bald, well, Cuba has 9/10Th of the role nailed already. Now if someone like Sidney Poitier did it? There's a movie.
Rating: 2 out of 4
Ed Norton - Jack - The Score
This was a challenge for Norton because he had to become normal to handicapped and back again at a drop of a hat. He's the inside man at a museum that houses a sceptre that he and Deniro want to steal which is, I guess, is worth like a hundred dollars (10,000 in Canadian dollars). So when he takes the persona of a mentally handicapped putz it's less likely the Canadian Mounties will suspect him once the shit goes down. Unfortunately he tries to dick over Mumbles DeNiro. Bad move.
The Mental Handicap portrayed - Secret Double Handicap With Catch Phrase. That right my friends we have the tripeca! Not only does he act like he has the brain of a five year old he also twitches his mouth and walks like I do after 20 beers, plus the hand and arm thing, then his own catch phrase, "Ok bye bye" (french kissing sound) Magnifiek! Unfortunately no academy awards came Norton's way for his efforts, so I hope his mouth and face didn't feel too sore after filming wrapped.
Rating: 3 1/2 out of 4
Unknown Actor - The Gimp - Pulp Fiction
Anyone dressed up in leather, put in chains and only brought out to play watch dog while his owners sodomize unwilling and unknowing suspects has to have some sort of mental handicap right? All the guy does is grunt for pete sakes! Plus, is that guy always on? I mean isn't there a time where he takes a time out and gets a cup of coffee and relax with Redfoot or does he just inhale leftover scraps in his cage like a crazed gorilla? The mind boggles.
The Mental Handicap Portrayed - The Gimp. The guy has his own category. I'm not sure if that is a mentally handicapped person, for all we know it could be a shaved gorilla underneath all that leather. I like how he freaks like Chim Chim losing her favorite kitten when Butch escapes.
Rating 2 out of 4
Juliet Lewis/GIavonni Rubisi - Carla Tate/Daniel McMann - The Other Sister
Giavonni already has that dazed look of a mentally handicap person and Juliet Lewis, I mean, c'mon too easy, they were born for this part. But as the title implies, The Other Sister, Juliet is meant to be seen and not heard and is a total embarrassment to her family. I guess there was some controversy when this movie came out with how Lewis and Rabissi portrayed handicapped people. I saw no problems with it except, well, they talk about sex. Which is about as awkward as Shaq shooting a free throw.
The Mental Handicap Portrayed - The Retarded Couple. Not since the president and first lady have two people portrayed a handicapped couple with such accuracy (there you go John-O, I bashed George W.) and grace. Too bad everyone thought this movie sucked hard core.
Rating: 1 out of 4
Dustin Hoffman - Raymond - Rain Man (The Best)
Here it is, the man, the legend, the old fuck that started it all, Dustin Hoffman. He wants to know when Wapner is on, he farts in rented undies AND he counts cards as easily as I get drunk and fall down. He may be WAY to old to be Tom Cruise's brother but who cares, he won an academy award before the academy started sucking.
The Mental Handicap Portrayed - Autism. Autism has almost knocked out global warming, I mean, climate change as celebrities' number 1 concern so it's a big deal. But that's be clear Raymond could do what comes naturally that took a bunch of Asian kids from MTI years to master in the casinos, counting cards. Hats off Ray!
Rating: 5 out of 4
Sean Penn - Sam Dawson - I Am Sam (the Worst)
Let's see, a mentally handicapped dude works at Starbucks, I'll say that again STARBUCKS, has a kid AND has an apartment in L.A. Every starving artist take note you can work at Starbucks and have a decent apartment. Anyhoo he has his kid taken away only because he's retarded (assholes) which leads to the worse exchange in cinematic history:
Sam: I need a lawyer to get back my kid.
Lawyer: I'll do it pro bono.
Sam: Pro bono! I can't afford pro bono!
Lawyer: No, pro bono means free.
Sam: I can afford pro bono!? (starts jumping around like baby huey) Pro bono!!!
Awful, just awful. I wonder if any handicapped person actually sued Penn and the maker of this movie.
Then this exchange with his daughter.
Sam: You've grown.
Lucy: Have I?
Sam: Yeah, 'cause your ears are bigger and your eyes are older.
Fuck me man! If I ever uttered that in the presence of my wife to one of my sons she has every right to divorce me and/or kick me in the nuts.
The Mental Handicap Portrayed - Blatant Oscar grabbing handicap - Penn introduced Pearl Jam for the VH1 rock honors for The Who. He mentioned that The Who never sold out, like him and Pearl Jam. Ok, 1) Don't forget that Pearl Jam fought Ticketbastard then relented when they realized that they weren't getting as much money as before so Eddie Vedder couldn't buy his designer markers to write shit on his arm like: "I'm a douche" and "Peace" or whatever the fuck he writes and aren't they on a major record label? And 2) Penn seems to have amnesia because he forgets he did this movie (STARBUCKS!). I don't know what selling out is but it's pretty fucking close to this movie.
Rating: negative infinity out of 4
Corky - Corky - Life Goes On
I can't make fun of my boy Corky so this will be brief
The Mental Handicap Portrayed - Down Syndrome with Beatles Music - Poor Corky realized he was slow when he couldn't solve a simple high school algebra equation. I had the exact same look on my face when I was faced with the same equation in 9th grade. P.S. I flunked that class miserably. So guess what? I'm retarded too and I happy to admit it.
Rating: I'm seriously going to hell for this.
Leonardo DiCaprio - Arnie - What's Eating Gilbert Grape
Pretty much Leo's best role, seriously, everything else compared to this is complete crap. I don't care how good The Departed is Leo pegged the angst of a 16 year old handicapped boy who likes to decapitate bugs in mailboxes and climb water towers perfectly. When finding his morbidly obese mother dead, shit, sorry, SPOILER ALERT, Leo does a great job freaking out, hitting his head then cower to the corner like a horse seeing a shotgun.
The Mental Handicap Portrayed- The Indie Retard. The standard 3 year old speech, the hands, hitting his own head like a confused George Forman seeing himself in the mirror all kit and caboodle in the behavior patterns of a mentally challenged person in an indie film.
Rating: 3 out of 4
Cuba Gooding, Jr. - Radio - Radio
Standard check list before cameras rolled on Cuba. Jump up and down like a child? Check. Crappy clothes? Check. Yell out plays to the opposing team like a two year old on crack? Check. Run head first into a fence chasing a football? Check. This is pretty much Cuba's best role since, umm, errrr, oh that episode of MacGuyver.
The Mental Handicap Portrayed - Copycat Retard. Cuba really just imitated the real Radio, not much of a challenge there. Plus they are both black and bald, well, Cuba has 9/10Th of the role nailed already. Now if someone like Sidney Poitier did it? There's a movie.
Rating: 2 out of 4
Ed Norton - Jack - The Score
This was a challenge for Norton because he had to become normal to handicapped and back again at a drop of a hat. He's the inside man at a museum that houses a sceptre that he and Deniro want to steal which is, I guess, is worth like a hundred dollars (10,000 in Canadian dollars). So when he takes the persona of a mentally handicapped putz it's less likely the Canadian Mounties will suspect him once the shit goes down. Unfortunately he tries to dick over Mumbles DeNiro. Bad move.
The Mental Handicap portrayed - Secret Double Handicap With Catch Phrase. That right my friends we have the tripeca! Not only does he act like he has the brain of a five year old he also twitches his mouth and walks like I do after 20 beers, plus the hand and arm thing, then his own catch phrase, "Ok bye bye" (french kissing sound) Magnifiek! Unfortunately no academy awards came Norton's way for his efforts, so I hope his mouth and face didn't feel too sore after filming wrapped.
Rating: 3 1/2 out of 4
Unknown Actor - The Gimp - Pulp Fiction
Anyone dressed up in leather, put in chains and only brought out to play watch dog while his owners sodomize unwilling and unknowing suspects has to have some sort of mental handicap right? All the guy does is grunt for pete sakes! Plus, is that guy always on? I mean isn't there a time where he takes a time out and gets a cup of coffee and relax with Redfoot or does he just inhale leftover scraps in his cage like a crazed gorilla? The mind boggles.
The Mental Handicap Portrayed - The Gimp. The guy has his own category. I'm not sure if that is a mentally handicapped person, for all we know it could be a shaved gorilla underneath all that leather. I like how he freaks like Chim Chim losing her favorite kitten when Butch escapes.
Rating 2 out of 4
Juliet Lewis/GIavonni Rubisi - Carla Tate/Daniel McMann - The Other Sister
Giavonni already has that dazed look of a mentally handicap person and Juliet Lewis, I mean, c'mon too easy, they were born for this part. But as the title implies, The Other Sister, Juliet is meant to be seen and not heard and is a total embarrassment to her family. I guess there was some controversy when this movie came out with how Lewis and Rabissi portrayed handicapped people. I saw no problems with it except, well, they talk about sex. Which is about as awkward as Shaq shooting a free throw.
The Mental Handicap Portrayed - The Retarded Couple. Not since the president and first lady have two people portrayed a handicapped couple with such accuracy (there you go John-O, I bashed George W.) and grace. Too bad everyone thought this movie sucked hard core.
Rating: 1 out of 4
Dustin Hoffman - Raymond - Rain Man (The Best)
Here it is, the man, the legend, the old fuck that started it all, Dustin Hoffman. He wants to know when Wapner is on, he farts in rented undies AND he counts cards as easily as I get drunk and fall down. He may be WAY to old to be Tom Cruise's brother but who cares, he won an academy award before the academy started sucking.
The Mental Handicap Portrayed - Autism. Autism has almost knocked out global warming, I mean, climate change as celebrities' number 1 concern so it's a big deal. But that's be clear Raymond could do what comes naturally that took a bunch of Asian kids from MTI years to master in the casinos, counting cards. Hats off Ray!
Rating: 5 out of 4
Sean Penn - Sam Dawson - I Am Sam (the Worst)
Let's see, a mentally handicapped dude works at Starbucks, I'll say that again STARBUCKS, has a kid AND has an apartment in L.A. Every starving artist take note you can work at Starbucks and have a decent apartment. Anyhoo he has his kid taken away only because he's retarded (assholes) which leads to the worse exchange in cinematic history:
Sam: I need a lawyer to get back my kid.
Lawyer: I'll do it pro bono.
Sam: Pro bono! I can't afford pro bono!
Lawyer: No, pro bono means free.
Sam: I can afford pro bono!? (starts jumping around like baby huey) Pro bono!!!
Awful, just awful. I wonder if any handicapped person actually sued Penn and the maker of this movie.
Then this exchange with his daughter.
Sam: You've grown.
Lucy: Have I?
Sam: Yeah, 'cause your ears are bigger and your eyes are older.
Fuck me man! If I ever uttered that in the presence of my wife to one of my sons she has every right to divorce me and/or kick me in the nuts.
The Mental Handicap Portrayed - Blatant Oscar grabbing handicap - Penn introduced Pearl Jam for the VH1 rock honors for The Who. He mentioned that The Who never sold out, like him and Pearl Jam. Ok, 1) Don't forget that Pearl Jam fought Ticketbastard then relented when they realized that they weren't getting as much money as before so Eddie Vedder couldn't buy his designer markers to write shit on his arm like: "I'm a douche" and "Peace" or whatever the fuck he writes and aren't they on a major record label? And 2) Penn seems to have amnesia because he forgets he did this movie (STARBUCKS!). I don't know what selling out is but it's pretty fucking close to this movie.
Rating: negative infinity out of 4
Corky - Corky - Life Goes On
I can't make fun of my boy Corky so this will be brief
The Mental Handicap Portrayed - Down Syndrome with Beatles Music - Poor Corky realized he was slow when he couldn't solve a simple high school algebra equation. I had the exact same look on my face when I was faced with the same equation in 9th grade. P.S. I flunked that class miserably. So guess what? I'm retarded too and I happy to admit it.
Rating: I'm seriously going to hell for this.
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