The Great Debate - The Best Adult Cartoon Of All Time

Which Adult, and I mean non-pornographic, cartoon is the best of all time? The Simpsons, Family Guy or South Park? This isn't as easy as it sounds because I know the majority of you, all 2, are already giving The Simpsons the award. But as Lee Corso says on ESPN, "shut the fuck up, my friends!" Or something like that. But I'm going to break it down beyond scientific and deem one of the these cartoons the best of all time.

The Best of the Best - Simpsons, Family Guy, South Park.

Originality

Simpsons - Though minuscule elements of The Flintones show up sometimes by and large the Simpsons are very original. The town, the people, the episodes all very original.

Family Guy - Unfortunately there have been accusations from many, including the creators of Simpsons, that Family Guy has "borrowed" many elements and themes from The Simpsons. I read that Seth McFarlane will run for Vice President someday. Anyways maybe this video will convince you.



Or maybe this pic..



South Park - Very original and groundbreaking. But, if it weren't for the Simpsons they would not have ever gotten on the air. They also did an episode paying homage to the Simpsons basically saying that the Simpsons have done everything and it's hard as hell to come up with ideas every week.

Winner: Simpsons

That Creamy Middle - The Classic Episodes

During a show's run there are episodes that are not as crappy as the first season and run a coarse of classics, then take a dip in quality. These 3 shows are no different. Or are they? Though I would venture to say Perfect Strangers was never shitty, ever.

Simpsons - 1992 - 2001. I'm being pretty generous with this but during these 10 seasons The Simpsons had nary a crappy episode. Maybe a downer or two but never completely shitty. After 2002 the quality of the jokes took a dip, then nosedived after 2004. Right now it's pretty close to unwatchable.

Family Guy - 1999 - 2003, 2005 - 2007. Even though Family Guy does that annoying flashback thing so much that it starts to take away from the quality of the show it is still enjoyable as hell. Well, at least until this season. I was going to hold judgement until a couple of episodes in but Family Guy season 7 has been pretty disappointing, bordering on complete crap. The episode tagged "I Dream Of Jesus" was pretty funny but all other have been crap even the highly anticipated Stewie and Brian adventure episode. I think Family Guy has finally jumped the shark.

South Park - 1997 - present. I was wavering on this for a while but really there was never a season where I didn't think South Park was hilarious. Every time they make a so so episode they always come back strong. This new season is no different. Breast Cancer show was pretty boring but Pandemic 1 and 2 was funny as hell. Plus the new "About Last Night..." episode was fucking hilarious.

Winner: South Park

Characters - () denotes crappy and/or unfunny character, bold denotes great character.

Simpsons - Homer, Marge, Bart, Lisa(), Maggie, Chief Wiggum, Moe, Carl, Lenny, Mr. Burns, Smithers, Comic Book Guy, Kent Brockman, Milhouse, Otto, Principal Skinner.

Family Guy - Peter, Lois, Stewie, Brian, Chris(), Meg, Cleveland, Quagmire, Joe, Loretta(), Bonnie, Mort, Mort's wife and kid.

South Park - Cartman, Kyle, Stan, Kenny, Stan's family, Kyle's family, Mr. Garrison, Barbrady, Mr. Slave, Big Gay Al

Winner: South Park - I just like the South Park characters a lot more plus they poke fun at themselves for having one black character naming him Token.

Who They Poke Fun Of

Simpsons - It used to be everyone until about 2000, then they started down the road of only poking fun of Christians and Republicans. Since they have so many celebrity guests they have to keep them happy. Well, most celebrities are liberal douchebags so they can only make fun of Christians and Republicans.

Family Guy - Creator Seth McFarlane is from Boston, so it's pretty much law out there that you have to be liberal. So they pretty much only make fun of, you got it, Christians (more specifically Catholics) and Republicans. It definitely doesn't take away from the show, obviously I think it's funny as hell though I would have to say that the McCain/Palin button on the Nazi uniform was a tad overboard.

South Park - Everyone and everything which is why I like them so gosh darn much. They even had the balls to go after the very sue happy scientologists and (gasp) Muslims. I'll never understand why hard core liberals never say anything about extreme Muslims. Isn't it awful what's going on in Darfur? Yep, extreme Muslims. Oh it's awful what's going on in China. Again, extreme Muslims. And that whole thing going on in Singapore? Wow. Yep, you got it, extreme Muslims.

Winner: South Park

Main Characters

Simpsons - The Simpson family, a fat, drunk guy, a precocious 10 year old, a know-it-all very annoying 8 year old, a cute baby that doesn't speak and a sexy housewife.

Family Guy - A fat, drunk guy, a dumb 16 year old, an annoying 17 year old, a sexy housewife, a diabolical (and closet homosexual) baby and a know-it-all dog with an extreme drinking problem that somehow owns a Prius even though he has no job or means of support.

South Park - 4 8 year olds with potty mouths.

Winner: Simpsons by a hair.

The Movies

Simpsons (2006) - Pretty damn close to unwatchable and horrifically unfunny. You would think that any movie that "kills" off Green Day would be awesome but it wasn't. The corners of my mouths went nowhere near up. I turned it off halfway through completely disappointed. The sad thing was, I was drinking and it still wasn't funny.

Family Guy (2005) - Technically they didn't have a theatrical release but they did have a DVD movie. Pretty funny, especially in the beginning, but it started to teeter off in the last 30 minutes. Still enjoyable.

South Park (1999) - I never laughed so hard in my life in a movie theater. I was in a half crowded theater and the laughter was so loud it sounded like it was sold out. I didn't hear half the punch lines because everyone was hysterical. Probably in my top 10 movies of all time list, if I had one.

Winner: South Park

The Winner - To me it's South Park by a hair over the Simpsons. South Park is still relevent and funny as hell. Unfortunately I can't say the same about the other two. I know it's bad when I look forward more to American Dad than I do Family Guy or Simpsons. What do you douchebags think?

92.3 The New 94.7?

On Tuesday night going to work I actually heard one of my favorite songs of all time from The Who...Slip Kid, I have never heard anything from The Who before on 92.3. I know their favorite group Pearl Jam cites The Who as one of their main influences but I seriously have never heard note one from Pete Townsend's main source of income for child porn before. Anyways..the next day on way way to work I actually heard Led Zeppelin Kashmir. Led fucking Zeppelin. I actually had to hit the recall button a couple of times to make sure I was on the right station. Has 94.7 infiltrated our favorite hippies from the south? Please say it ain't so.

Father Time And A Baseball Bat

I upgraded my Dish channels the other day and was happy as hell to learn that VH1 classic came with it. Well, in the course of enjoying 120 minutes (man I LOVED that show back in the day) a video from Blondie came on, a recent one. I couldn't believe my eyes. What in the hell happened to Debbie Harry? She looked horrific. I know we can't all grow gracefully like Sean Connery or Judy Densch but these next few really looked like father time took a baseball bat to them.

Tim Robbins
What he was then: A hard bodied Nuke Laloosh throwing heaters at mascots and screwing everything that moves. He was also the replacement for Goose in the soft core gay porn movie Top Gun.

What he is now: A 50 year old lesbian.

What happened: Given his meandering speeches about stiff winds and loss of free speech I'm guessing drugs. That and living with Susan Surandan.

Michael Stipe
What he was then: It could be argued that Stipe never really looked all that good, like his guitarist. But there were some times he didn't look bad, especially when he rocked the long hair.

What he is now: A white Starvin Marvin with huge pits.

What happened: Drugs. I'm also guessing god punished Stipe for writing Shiny Happy People.

C. Thomas Howell
What he was then: Pony Boy, the fresh faced kid who was in classics such as The Outsiders, Soul Man and Side Out.

What he is now: Old. The guy is only 41 years old and he looks 61, fuck me man chow down on some placenta or something.

What happened: Unknown but I'm guessing drugs, lots of drugs and a shit load of aging pills. If such a thing exists.

Priscilla Presley
What she was then: Frank Dreben's love interest, oh, I guess she was married to someone really famous that died. I forget who exactly.

What she is now: What looks like a tranny who god his/her face bashed in.

What happened: Pills, lots of pills and a couple of botched plastic surgeries.

Melanie Griffith
What she was then: The working girl with big blond hair and a nice rack.

What she is now: What looks like a deflated blow up doll with fucked up lips.

What happened: Alcohol and pills with a crappy botox injection mixed in. On a side note you got to hand it to Antonio Banderas, he's stuck by his disfigured women.

Brigette Nielson
What she was then: Every teenage boy's mid to late 80's fantasy and Sylvester Stallone's personal trainer.

What she is now: A very tall, wrinkly, used up F list celebrity.

What happened: Alcohol, pure alcohol. Which would explain her having sex with Flavor Flav.

Cameron Diaz
What she was then: A fairly good looking girl with a great bod, at least in Mask anyways.

What she is now: A troll doll without the funky hair.

What happened: Pure genetics, her face is just a dumping ground for wrinkles and blotches.

Sylvester Stallone
What he was then: The Italian Stallion hugging and kissing Apollo Creed.

What he is now: A walking anti steroid ad. His face looks like he swallowed a bike tire pump. Plus old men with muscles really makes me lurch.

What happened: Enough steroids that would take down the entire East German Olympic team.

Debbie Harry
What she was then: Mastubatory aid to all new wave fans world wide.

What she is now: Just. Looks. Awful.

What happened: What I didn't realize was the fact that Debbie made it big with Blondie when she was 32 years old. I never realized she was that old. So she's just an overweight 63 year trying to rock on stage. I'll just cut her a little slack.

Anna Nicole Smith
What she was then: A Playboy playmate with a million dollar rack and a 5 cent head.

What she is now: A coffin stuffer

What happened: Too soon?

Worst Characters On The Best Shows

Ever really like a show but there was always this one character that was horrifically annoying? So bad that every time he/she/it came on screen you wanted to chuck your empty whiskey bottle at the screen? I know I have. I know what I consider a good show and what everyone else considers good is probably light years apart but I'll do this bit anyways. Plus I've been pretty positive on my last couple of posts so it's time for me to be exactly what I was meant to be, a bitter ranting drunk.

The Show: The Simpsons
The Character: Lisa Simpson
Explanation: They seem to spend a lot more time on Lisa then they did in the past maybe because she's considered more liberal than anyone else on the show and the writers have gotten more liberal, or they just want to annoy the shit out of us. Who knows? But she certainly is the wet blanket that ruins more shows than helps. Whenever Homer decides to do something nuts like steal grease from the local school or participate in a gang bang on Ms. Krapobel with the rest of the boys at Moe's Lisa is always there wagging her finger like a bint and subjecting us with her "wisdom" of what is right and wrong. Don't get me started on her environmentalism and political bullshit that creeps into every episode.

The Show: Family Guy
The Character: Brian
Explanation: I have to say Brian (Snoopy with a drinking problem) certainly does have his moments, but that usually when he's baked and/or drunk. But he does the same thing as Lisa does from time to time, subject us with his political/environmental views. That gets old REEEAALLY quick. The one episode where he blows up Wal Mart with a tank was pretty fucking annoying on a couple of fronts 1) If you don't like Wal Mart don't go there 2) I thought violence solving things was wrong and 3) I bet that after blowing up the Wal Mart he and Stewie hopped on over to Starbucks for a triple fat creamy cum shot latte or whatever the fuck they serve there. So not all corporations are evil, just Wal Mart. Got it. Please just stick to Peter and Stewie.

The Show: Seinfeld
The Character: Jerry Seinfeld
Explanation: How can the character that the show is named after be the worst character? It can. Not only does Jerry come off as completely smug he also has this high pitched scream/yell thing that he does when he gets excited that sounds like a thirteen year old trying desperately to hit puberty. That and his stand up act which is pretty sub par, I'm sorry, a complete shit storm of bad jokes. His material would certainly fly at An Evening At The Improv (remember that show?) but whenever he tells a joke Corky from Life Goes On (had to stick him in here somewhere) would have a laughing fit where the rest of us would merley groan or wish we were dead. I used to think that the stand up jokes that started and ended his show was just a watered down thing for the show until I realized that WAS his stand up act. Christ, how in the hell did he not get hit with a beer bottle at a comedy club? He must have opened for Barbara Streisand or something. Also, it doesn't help that his supporting cast is a hell of a lot funnier and memorable than him.

The Show: Friends
The Character: The Entire Cast Of Friends
Explanation: I'm stretching things a bit by calling Friends a good show but I had to stick this in here somewhere. I was subjected to Friends by an old girlfriend of mine back in the day so I actually saw three full seasons of it and I came to one disturbing conclusion, everyone else besides the actual friends are a hell of a lot more funny than they are. From the creepy roommate that replaces Chandler at one point to the creepy guy that has a crush on Rachel to Phoebe's long lost brother who decides to dork someone three times his age to the hairy naked guy that NEVER APPEARS ON SCREEN. All of them, a lot more enjoyable than them. I thought they should have made a spinoff of the these characters than the very unfunny pud Joey.

The Show: Cheers
The Character: Diane
Explanation: Is there really one needed? I thought not. Thankfully Diane (actually Shelly Long) thought she had a future in films, oops. Though I did think that Troop Beverly Hills was a delightful romp.

The Show: Night Court
The Character: All the bailiffs before Roz and Dan Fielding in the first season.
Explanation: The bailiffs that preceded Roz were pretty fucking unfunny and annoying, fortunately for the show (unfortunately in real life) they both died of old age and emphysema before they could do any permanent damage. Dan Fielding in the first season was very uptight and straight laced. Thankfully someone wised up and rewrote his character as the perverted funny man that we all know and love.

The Show: Star Trek: The Next Generation
The Character: Captain Jean Luc Pecard
The Explanation: Spent more time negotiating peace than blowing shit up plus the fact that he didn't bed any women or green alien women. What the hell man?

The Show: Drew Carey Show
The Character: Mimi Bobeck
Explanation: Not only is she hideous to look at she dragged the show down with her constant bitch-fest with Drew. Her low brow bullshit got kind of old after awhile, especially when the jokes kept repeating themselves (Wow! Look at Mimi's hideous make up job for the zillionth time). She also took precious time away from Lewis and Oswald's shenanigans and ESPECIALLY from masturbatory aid Kate O'Brien.

The Show: The Smurfs
The Character: Baby Smurf
Explanation: Baby smurf just suddenly appeared out of nowhere without an explanation of how the hell it was born or if it was the product of a drunken grope-fest you knew that was going to happen involving the only female in the village, Smurfette. How would you like to be Smurfette on a Saturday night around closing time of the village tavern? I would be dead bolting my doors like you wouldn't believe. A bunch of sexually repressed drunk smurfs roaming around with their little blue members.....never mind. Anyways this was just a ploy to keep the ratings up, plus this happened around the time every cartoon turned into a baby show (baby muppets, baby scoobie doo, etc.). I can't believe I have an opinion about the Smurfs.

The Show: Facts Of Life
The Character: George Burnett
Explanation: Actually I just wanted to bash George Clooney, that's all. The guy's acting is no different from this show, to Roseanne to From Dusk Til' Dawn to Michael Clayton. No range whatsoever. He has about as much range as Corky from Life Goes On (I seriously need to abandon that joke).

The Show: Growing Pains
The Character: Luke Brower
Explanation: This show was just humming along just fine then BAM! Boner is gone then this little shit shows up. Actually I thought this was Leonardo DiCraprios best acting job, even better than the retard he played in What's Eating Gilbert Grape. But he seriously dragged this wholesome family fare right into the toilet. Uhh, I actually didn't like Growing Pains, I just watched it because I had a unhealthy crush on Joanna Kerns. I often fantasized about ways she would punish me for being bad....I'll just stop.

The Show: Married With Children
The Character: Steve Rhodes
Explanation: Contrary to popular belief Jefferson Darcy made Married With Children better. After life drainer and joke smuggler Steve Rhodes took off the show became better. Addition by subtraction I guess. Then Jefferson showed up and the show turned horrifically low brow, the way it was meant to be.

I'll probably revisit this topic at a later date, right now I'm seeing pink elephants..Tah!