Thursday, June 4, 2009

I Hate Getting Old, So Will You....


For those of you my age (and a little older) you understand what I mean by that. When your in your teens you feel indestructable and an age like 34 feels eons and eons away. To borrow from Neil Peart (I promise not to run for Vice President! ZING!)"Your only immortal, for a limited time." Nothing could be more truthful than that statement, or lyric, or whatever. Here are the things that I really hate about getting old.

-Going Out For A Couple Of Beers With Friends Seems Like More Of A Chore-

My wife asked if I wanted to go out to bw3's with a couple of her friends to watch a game. My response? "You mean I have to put on pants? Talk to people? Spend $30 on beer and wings when I have 24 perfectley good beers in the fridge right now? Ugghh, I guess." I literally took a crow bar to get me off the couch and into the car. It wasn't a bad night really I just really like being home with my tv and my beer.

-Never Trust A Fart-

No explanation needed.

-Everything Sucks-

I have no idea if it's because I'm getting old or movies and music are getting worse in quality. Every movie looks really stupid to me and 9 times 10, they are. Even the "independent" movies are getting worse. Unless your a die hard lib/socialist/whatever, most if not all independent movies really don't apply to me. I mean good god, a biopic on Che Guavera (probably spelled wrong)? I mean, the same dinks who watch this think that Bush should be brought up on war crimes for killing thousands of innocent people. Do I need to point out the irony in that? I still want my $5 back for renting Mystic River. I mean, there are a few exceptions like No Country For Old Men or even the recent Star Trek release but really movies really kinda blow nowadays. Then there's music. Granted I really shouldn't be talking since I was once dancing to "We Built This City" back in 5th grade but at least I knew it sucked back then. And I also had an appreciation of jazz and classical. Kids nowadays think Bach is a type of beer, hell I don't even think they know that.

-I'm Getting Smarter And Dumber At The Same Time-

I am reading a hell of a lot more than I did in my 20's, and it isn't just about football, porno and books about war (Vice President! Borrowed! Run! I did it again! The joke! Never! Gets! Old!), I actually do read books. I also read articles besides sports and comics in the paper, strange I know. Politics means more to me, something I swore I would never do but I do. Then there are the issues, I actually do read both sides of the story first before making my opinion, something I would not have thought of doing 10 years ago. Fox, CNN, MSNBC (Obama news network) and other networks/websites I read on a daily basis.

But I'm getting dumber. The other day my wife bought a blender so I could partake in fruit smoothies which I found out recently I really like, and since they are nutritious it's good for my fat bod. Well I could not figure out how to put the stupid thing together. I kept trying to jam the same piece over and over again into the cylinder. My wife comes along and puts it together in two seconds. Then after making a smoothie I unscrew the glass container, which has no bottom, now I find myself covered in smoothie goodness. I just stood there with a dumb look on my face. Just dumb as hell.

-My Body Is Breaking Down-

I started working out when I was in my early 20's and have been doing it consistently since. But still age has a way of saying screw you not matter how well you take care of it. I have aches and pains in places I never thought I could have aches and pains. When getting up from the couch I snap, crackle and pop more than my grandma. Thankfully I don't leave a pee stain on the couch like she did.

- People Born After 1990 Baffle You -

They are talking and walking and going to college. In 1990 I was in high school, and they were just wee ones shitting their diapers and giving their mommas chaffed nipples. What the hell happened?

- You Have No Idea What The Kids Are Talking About -

If you've ever heard people in their teens and 20's talk to each other about the new fad, new programs and celebrities it becomes apparent that you have no idea what in the h-e-double hockey sticks they are talking about. It's like their speaking a different language, like hip hop artists.

- You Get Sentimental A Little More Often -

I started crying at the end of Shawshank Redemption the other day. How gay is that?

- More Music Musings -

You're going down the highway jamming to a tune, thinking "damn, what a rocking fucking tune." Then the DJ comes in welcoming you to the oldies station. You feel yourself shitting your pants a little.

- Your Childhood Heroes Look REALLY Old -

Have you seen Harrison Ford lately? Do you know how old he is? 66. That's right, 66 years old. Indiana Jones, Han Solo and the crazy dude from Frantic is 66 fucking years old. I'm not going to bring up Rush, it's too painful.

- You Get Really Tired Really Easy -

Naps, they are great, or were for me. Since I got a night job I don't take them anymore. But before I started I took a nap at least 3 times a week. I never took one before before my 20's.

- You Fall Asleep At Wei.....

3 comments:

Michael Maier said...

Dude, you're really bringing me down here.

Go see Up.

Prime Mover said...

I actually do want to see that. I really identify with the old fart.

Michael Maier said...

My brother Dave always says there's nothing funnier than old folks giving someone the finger except someone getting slapped or kicked in the nuts.