Under The Radar - Television

I really don't watch network television, which means me and my drunk ass has to stick to non reality TV, which means cable. These are some of the shows which are kick ass. Warning! Might actually educate or offend or do both.

1) Survivorman - one man, who is his own camera crew, own sound guy, has to survive for 7 days (on his own, no help) on limited supplies on some of the most remote and dangerous terrain in the world. Les Stroud is a Canadian who is an expert on survival. He lives off the land and teaches us as he goes along.

Best Show Thus Far: African Plains - Les constantly has to survive off the land and avoid a 500 lb lion and its clan.

Warning! May offend vegetarians, he actually kills and eats a bunny to survive in the Northern most territory in Baffin Island, which is pretty close to the Artic.

2) The Universe - Many scientists converge on one show to try and explain the wonders that is our universe. As the tag line says, will blow your mind.

Best Show thus Far: The controversy of Pluto being a planet and its subsequent demotion as a lesser planet, as in not the ninth planet in our solar system (there are officially eight planets revolving around our sun now).

Warning! May actually educate and piss you off. Pluto is a planet dammit!

3) It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia - Four friends (and a desperate Danny Devito) run a bar in Philly and are the most un-PC gang you will ever meet. Kind of like South Park in sitcom form.

Best Show Thus Far: The Gang Goes America On Every body's Ass - don't ask, it's really funny, even takes a run at the Truth.com guys.

Warning! Will offend practically everyone, and I laugh my ass off.

4) Battlestar Galactica - remake of the late 70's show starring Dirk Benedict and Lorne Green (best..death..scene..ever!). Has a different twist where some Cyclons are human and Boomer and Starbuck are chicks, nothing wrong with that.

Best Show thus Far - The season finale of last season, leaves a lot of lingering questions.

Warning! Will fry your brain trying to figure out how humans can be so stupid.

5) Subterranean - The last hope of decent music on MTV, well MTV2. Replaced the late, great 120 minutes.

Best Show thus Far - The ones that don't show shitty videos, which is kind of rare these days.

Warning! Shows completely crappy videos starring kids that don't have a clue how to play instruments, plus they dress like teen girls (even the guys). But they did introduce me to Minus the Bear, Thievery Corporation and Blonde Readhead and the latest from Dinosaur Jr., so it's not all that bad.

6) Stroker and Hoop - Two bumbling private dicks with a very out-of-date talking car (it has an 8 track) solving crimes that are way over their heads.

Best Show thus Far - Putting the "Ass" in Assassin

Warning! Was cancelled, dammit!

7) Dogfights - Show that chronicles the dogfights in wars that the U.S. were involved in.

Best Show thus Far - Kamikaze - chronicles the kamikaze pilots of Japan. Shows how desperate the Japanese were near the end of WWII and how scary it was to be an American soldier at the time. Does not glorify war.

Warning! Might offend those who hate America, like Micheal Moore, or someone like him.

8) Miami Ink - I love tattoos, I have 2 of my own and will probably get more. These guys are really talented, I actually have plans of getting these guys of getting me a tattoo of Bhuishajyagurn - the healing/medicine Buddha.

Best Show thus Far - All are good.

Warning! No warning, it's in Miami, cute gals, cute guys, great tattoos.

That's all I can think of right now, I'm sure there are more.

Most Overrated/Underrated Actors Of All Time

This list is pretty condensed, I'm sure there are a lot more actors that are overrated/underrated that I didn't touch on. I also have to mention that I really don't go to movies regularly because of time constraints and for reasons I've mentioned before.


Underrated

Drama Division

1) Brad Pitt - I'll forget that fact that he's a political activist now and sounds like a total moron when interviewed. How any celebrity can be a environmentalist is beyond me. He's celebrated in the press for building green houses in New Orleans but isn't criticized for his own excessivness, unless he lives in a green 20 room mansion or flies on green private jets or is involved in green movie productions. Don't get me started. Anyways, he has done some great work with good range. His latest movie has been given some good ink.

Best examples: Fight Club, 12 Monkeys, A River Runs Through It, Se7en, Spy Game

2) Helena Bohnam Carter - I've always enjoyed her work, even the little seen Big Fish.

Best examples: Lady Jane, Hamlet, Fight Club, Howard's End, Big Fish

3) Jean Reno - Usually the French guy in all his movies, very underrated.

Best examples: Leon, The Big Blue, Ronin

4) Gary Oldman - I like him in just about everything he does, even as a guest host on Greg The Bunny. His acting in Leon was unbelievable, unless that's really him.

Best Examples: Leon, Immortal Beloved, Romeo Is Bleeding, Sid & Nancy, Fifth Element

5) Tim Roth - Deserved an oscar for Rob Roy.

Best Examples: Rob Roy, Reservoir Dogs, Pulp Fiction, Four Rooms (he didn't suck, the movie kind of did).

6) John Malkivich - This guy has range, have always enjoyed his work.

Best Examples: Rounders, Dangerous Liaisons, Empire Of The Sun, Killing Fields, Places in the Heart

7) Franka Potente - Very talented young lady, wait, she's older than me.

Best Examples: Run Lola Run, Born Identity, Blow

8) Clive Owen - Great actor but chooses crappy movies, he was the only reason I wasted my time on Children of Men, a very crappy movie.

Best Examples: Sin City, I'll Sleep When I'm Dead

9) Chiwetel Ejiofor - Another great actor in the crappy movie Children of Men. First saw him in Serenity, a great underrated movie.

Best Examples: Serenity

10) Kathy Bates - Scared the shit out of me in Misery, seriously, I couldn't touch Fried, Green Tomatoes without the image of her turning James Caan's ankles into jello popping into my head.

Best Examples: Misery, The Waterboy, The Late Shift, Fried Green Tomatoes

11) Daniel Day Lewis - Single handily saved Gangs of New York from DiCaprio and Diaz. Damn fine actor.

Best Examples: My Left Foot, In the Name of the Father, Last of the Mahicans, A Room With A View

12) Christian Bale - Two words: American Psycho. That and my wife thinks he's hot. Hell, I think he's hot.

Best Examples: American Psycho, Batman Begins, Equilibrium, Velvet Goldmine

13) Ewen McGregor - Saved the Star Wars franchise, literally. Made me forget about Hayden Christentian and Natalie Portman's horrific acting and chemistry. Has always made some decent flicks, probably one of my favourite actors, even though he was in The Island.

Best Examples: Trainspotting, Shallow Grave (awesome movie), Big Fish, Rouge Trader, Brassed Off,

14) Ron Perlman - Has been under the radar for years now, mostly because he's under a lot make up in his most prominent roles.

Best Examples: Hellboy, Blade II, Cronos,

Comedy Division

1) Simon Pegg - I've been banging my drum for awhile on this guy. Really like his stuff.

Best examples: Shaun Of The Dead, Hot Fuzz, 24 Hour Party People

2) Martin Freeman - Another Brit, I think you see a theme to my list, barely any Americans.

Best Examples: Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy, Hot Fuzz, Love Actually (So I've Heard)

3) Sam Rockwell - Why doesn't this guy get more raves?

Best Examples: Confessions of a Dangerous Mind, Galaxy Quest, Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy, Safe Men

4) William Shatner - Sooo over the top, so cheesy, but I don't care.

Best Examples: Airplane II, Star Trek sketch on Saturday Night Live, Star Trek (even numbered)

5) Adam Goldberg - First saw him in Dazed and Confused, have been pretty impressed since.

Best Examples: Hebrew Hammer, The Sultan Sea

Overrated

Drama Division

1) Julia Roberts - Acts like that high maintenance girl in high school that everyone wanted to have sex with but no one wanted to deal with. I had a hard time finding any men that actually find her attractive. Tried her hand at broadway which was met with bad reviews, because it's pretty apparent she cant act.

Worst Examples: Pelican Brief, My Best Friends Wedding, The Mexican, Stepmom, Mary Reilly

2) Halle Berry - Probably one of the worst actresses to ever get acclaim, right up there with Morisa Tomei. Has the distinction of having the worst Oscar acceptance speech of all time.

Worst Examples: Catwomen, Monsters Ball, Swordfish, Gothika, Bulworth

3) George Clooney - Looking down then up again in a dramatic fashion is pretty much his only move, if you count that smile and head wiggle, of course. Pretty much acts the same in all movies, though I have to admit he was good in Confessions of a Dangerous Mind and Solaris.

Worst Examples: Intolerable Cruelty, Oceans 12, Oceans 13, Perfect Storm, One Fine Day, Batman and Robin

4) Jack Nicholson - I know I'm going to get a bunch of shit for this (if anyone is reading, of course) but he basically plays himself in everything; psychotic, mean and loud, much like in real life. When I was watching The Shining I kept thinking something was missing, then it hit me like a ton of bricks. In the novel the main character is a normal guy that slowly goes insane. In the movie Jack already looks insane, there was no turning, so it was no surprise when he tried to turn his family into hamburger. I would have guessed that he would have done it anyways even if the place wasn't haunted. He makes decent films, to me he is just overrated.

Worst Examples: Wolf, Somethings Gotta Give, About Schmidt (thanks for the nude scene Kathy)

5) Leonardo DiCaprio - Has spoiled all Scorsese movies that he has been in. Almost single handily destroyed Gangs of New York and The Departed. I haven't seen The Aviator because I couldn't take a baby faced DiCaprio playing Howard Hughes seriously. To me, he can't act, in fact, he overacts in some of his movies. Then there are his overbearing politics and environmentalism. Seriously DiCaprio, if you want me to take you seriously on environmentalism make a lot less movies, which spews a lot of CO2 and produces a lot of waste (when you really think about it), and stress all of Hollywood to do the same. So far he just stresses normal people to change their habits, not celebrities. He does drive a Prius though, which is great considering he lives in multiple mansions, takes private jets, has air conditioned trailers during movie shoots, is carted around in SUVs, etc. See Ed Bagely Jr, at least he practices what he preaches.

Worst Examples: Romeo and Juliet, Titanic, Total Eclipse (god, what a stinker), Blood Diamond, Quick and the Dead

6) Jude Law - I can't say that he can't act or he hasn't been in good movies, I just don't like the guy.

Worst Examples: Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow

7) Gwyneth Paltrow - If you don't like George Bush, just say you don't like George Bush and his administration, don't bash ALL of America just because he was elected, in other words, don't bite the hand that spends money to see your shitty acting skills (See also Ed Norton, Johnny Depp, etc.). Basically plays the whiny women in everything she's in.

Worst Example: Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow, Great Expectations, Duets, Bounce, Shallow Hal, View From the Top

8) Marlon Brando - Mumbling is not an acting skill, neither is being a complete douche-bag

Worst Examples: The Score, The Island of Dr. Monreau, Don Juan DeMarco, Last Tango in Paris

9) Tom Cruise - Plays a "cocky ____" in every movie. For example plays a cocky fighter pilot in the soft core gay porn movie Top Gun. Plays a cocky lawyer in The Firm. You get the idea. He's also guaranteed to have a running scene with his fists pumping in every movie. His recent psychotic incidents don't help much either.

Worst Examples: War of the Worlds (seriously, why did they remake that), Mission Impossible (all of them), Cocktail, The Firm, Jerry McGuire

10) Natalie Portman - Plays either the eccentric chick or the chick that can't stop crying in all her films.

Worst Example: Closer, Mars Attacks! Garden State

11) Sean Penn - Someone REALLY needs to sit this guy down and tell him to cool off or something. Accuses George Bush of being a fascist and also accuses him of censorship yet hops in bed and raves about dictators that actually ARE fascist and censors ALL their critics by either killing or deporting (Chavez, Castro). Someone please explain that to me, seriously, I'm all ears. Always plays the conflicted guy, tends to overact or underact.

Worst Examples: I am Sam, Were No Angels, Shanghai Surprise

Comedy Division

1) Jack Black - The whole drugged up hyperactive over the top act was kind of tired after High Fidelity, but that didn't stop him from continuing to do it.

Worst example: School of Rock, Orange County, Shallow Hal, Envy, Nacho Libre

2) Ben Stiller - Pretty much has only 3 characters he plays: the awkward, every day guy, the over the top asshole, and, and.....nope that's it, only two. Being his agent the last couple of years was probably easier than being Samuel Jackson's, he wouldn't turn anything down, especially the bad ones.

Worst Example: Anything filmed after 1999, except for The Royal Tanenbaums

3) Sasha Baren Cohen - Borat took America by storm with the Borat movie, but I really wasn't impressed. The whole guy with a microphone with a weird accent purposely trying to piss people off with done quite well with Tom Green. Actually, Tom Green did it better. His Ali G character kind of sucks balls too.

Worst Example: The Borat Movie

4) Jim Carrey - I actually did like him until after Dumb and Dumber. Then I kind of started getting annoyed. I actually think he's funnier when he's trying to be dramatic, I laughed my ass off when I saw the first part of the Majestic and Man on the Moon.

Worst Examples: The Mask, Truman Show, The Cable Guy, Fun With Dick and Jane

5) Stephen Colbert - He was pretty refreshing a couple of years ago, now he's kind of annoying. I actually thought of him last night (Sunday 9/23) when he was a guest voice on the Simpsons, really a sucky episode, and he definitely didn't help.

Just Cut Me a Check Division

Now here's the debate for the ages, who has cashed in on their success and have run their careers into the ground so bad that everyone has forgotten all the good things they have done in the past? Basically, who has sold out more, Al Pacino or Robert DeNiro? At least Al has done some decent movies since 2000 (Insomnia for one) but he also starred in Gigli. DeNiro on the other hand hasn't made a decent movie in years. Both actors have done so many bad movies since 1999 that it would take me forever to type them all out.

That's all I can think of, feel free to disagree and write me angry posts.....time for a beer.

Prime Mover 10 - Best Rock Albums

Before I get started I should really point out that music is very, VERY subjective. One man's favourite cd is another man's drink coaster. Given the fact that I have very eccentric tastes in music (or sucky taste, whichever) this list really reflects an era past types like: Stones, Beatles, basically past the sixties. I didn't involve them because 1) I'm not a big fan of the Stones or Beatles and 2) I'm sick of seeing Stones and the Beatles on every fucking list. Besides, this is my list. These are the albums which I have worn out due to listening way too much.

10) Led Zeppelin - Led Zeppelin IV (1971) - Thundering drums, cymbals that ring for a week, a song about a lady buying a stairway to heaven, guitars, another song inspired by Lord of the Rings. All in all Led Zeppelin's best output. When the Levee Breaks was an eerie precursor to the recent Red Sox swoon. What did you think I was going to reference? Katrina?

9) Living Colour - Vivid (1988) - When I finally got cable at the tender age of fourteen I turned to MTV and found four black gentlemen not rapping, but cranking out a great rock tune. Cult of Personality is still one of my favourite songs of all time and Living Colour (even though 2004's Callidiscope sucked balls) never made a bad album in their short tenure. They were (are) extremely talented, and even though Vernon Reid has turned psycho liberal, he's still one of the best guitarists out there.

8) The Cars - The Cars (1978) - First album of The Cars which had a shitload of hits: Good Times Roll, Bye Bye Love, Moving in Stereo, Just What I Needed. They had great albums after but this one stood out.

7) Dream Theatre - Awake (1994) - One album reviewer of Modern Drummer wrote of this album "a record Rush wished they recorded." Not only did he receive roughly 20 million hate letters he was also promptly fired, at least he should have been anyways. But it does not dimish the fact that this is a great album. Basically a band for nerds the fivesome of Dream Theatre are extrodinarily talented, so much so that most musicians in rock pretend they don't exist. Even though the drummer is the showman of the group (which is why he basically drums standing up) and the rest of the crew are as excitable on stage as Ben Stein, they are still unbelievable.

6) Genesis - Abacab (1981) - Before Phil Collins became bald, untalented and started writing shitacular crap rock he did have a hand in this one. This album basically is the album before Genesis started cashing in, so to speak.

5) Hum - You'd Prefer An Astronaut (1995) - Stars is a great rock song. The album is heavy and deep, and the band look like a bunch of physic majors.

4) The Police - Regatta De Blanc (1979) - Before Sting became, well, Sting, he did have an great band whos members wanted to pound him in the head with a tire iron when he was asleep. Prententious, a-hole, sell-out, but he did write some great songs.

3) VanHalen - 1984 (1984) - I know that the preceding albums were a little better but this was the album that introduced me to Van Halen. Hot For Teacher is a song I could never even think about playing on drums and Jump is a great rock song.

2) Yes - 90125 (1983) - I can hear the groans already. This is an album which I have worn the treads off 10 times over. Nearly all of the songs, except the last one, are great.

1) Rush - Moving Pictures (1981) - Don't have to explain this one.

Confessions Of A Rush Fan: A Review Of Snakes and Arrows

I've been a Rush fan since I was 8 years old. On the way to South Bend, Indiana to visit my grandparents my brother put in New World Man from the album Signals, I was very intrigued. Then I found Moving Pictures in my brother's stash and found Tom Sawyer, Rush was instantly my favourite band at the tender age of 9. To me Rush has never made a mediocre album since their debut in 1974 and has been a constant source of enjoyment, enlightenment and influence.

I was giddy as hell when I hear Snakes and Arrows was coming out this year. I have been starved for some new music. Really nothing has piqued my interest since Minus the Bear and Thievery Corporation as far as new music, so I was salivating for some good tunes, especially from my favourite band of all time. Then it came out. I made a bee line to the nearest music store and snagged up Snakes and Arrows. I already was impressed with Far Cry, their first single. I was expecting the typical Rush fair. Then I put it in. I wasn't impressed. No problem, I'll just give it a couple of weeks, after all, I didn't like Test for Echo and after a while and it grew on me. Snakes continued to dissapoint. For the first time Rush made a mediocre album. Musically it wasn't that bad, a couple of hits and misses, but it was the lyrics that really dissapointed me. Neil sounded like he was whining. Just like Sting after Zeyotta Mendotta (The Police), he was whining, it kind of sucked. He railed on Christianity (in interviews) and ignored Muslim extremists, like all of Europe and far, far left liberals here in the states. Seriously, both extremes are dangerous, why not address it? Oh well. I'll go song by song

1) Far Cry - Damn good song, really gets me going, especially during workouts.

2) Armor and Sword - Goes on too long, repeats the same line too much which really drags down the song. Probably should have stopped at the 4 minute mark. Did have the best lyric of the album, "Nobody gets into heaven without a fight" which was repeated way too fucking much.

3) Workin' Them Angels - Third best song of the album. Good tune.

4) The Larger Bowl - Ehh, alright. Kinda folky for my taste.

5) Spindrift - Started out great, then kind of lost its way, turned bad.

6) The Main Monkey Business - Now this is Rush, great instrumental. Probably one of the best.

7) The Way The Wind Blows - It blows sucky. Didn't like this song at all. Blues to rock, back to blues, and also has the whiniest lyrics of the album.

8) Hope - Ehhh, not that great.

9) Faithless - Same as Hope. Not that great.

10) Bravest Face - Ok tune, probably the best lyrics of the album. But it's kind of a downer, makes me want to drank, like now.

11) Good News First - Good music, again whiny lyrics.

12) Malignant Narcissicm - title based on one of my favourite films of all time, Team America (a line from the movie is repeated in the song). Song was made well after recording was done. Geddy was screwing around and Neil and the producer were in the room and decided to make this a last minute addition. Good thing they did, it kicks ass.

13) We Hold On - Rush has always closed out an album with a good tune, Mystic Rythms, High Water, Carve the Stone, Out of the Cradle, Between The Wheels (especially!), all great songs at the end of Rush albums, this is no different.

Album Review: 2 out of 4. Still a good album, but kind of dissapointing.

John-O on Hoodie: A Rebuttal (no mooning involved)

Alright John-O, as Lumburgh said to the Bobs about Peter, "I'm going to have to....disagree" about your take on Belicheck. Yeah, the guy is about as personable as Dick Cheney and more arrogant than Micheal Moore and he does have a huge bulls eye on his back from his success(?) which makes him an easy target, but he still broke the rules. And if it isn't a big deal then why:

1) Did Belecheck bother doing it unless it gives him an edge? and

2) Did the NFL warn all teams not 12 months ago about not videotaping other teams?

It all seems very Watergatey, if that's a word.

Basically everyone else outside of Boston pretty much agrees that the punishment, if you can call it that, was way to light. $500,000 and a loss of a first round draft pick, whoopie, suspend the man. The NFL just got done suspending Bum Philip's grandson for buying HGH for his diabetes for 5 games for messing with the integrity of the game, to paraphrase Godell. What the hell? Belicheck screwed with the integrity of the game and was not suspended. Does the light sentence have to do with Kraft's relationship with Goodell? Favoritism anyone? Sound fishy? It does to me. Back to the punishment, Belicheck can make up the money in speaking engagements. Of course, who the hell would actually hire the human drone to speak to anyone? School of the deaf? Plus taking away a draft pick for 2008 will do nothing because they will still have a pick later on in the draft thanks to the San Fransisco trade. So basically Mr. Personality got away with murder again. As I was thinking before, I always wondered how New England managed to get away with complete murder. The 2003 playoff game in New England where the defenders practically were hanging off of the Colts receivers, the fact that they seemed to know all of the opposing team's plays before they started, the tuck rule, cheap shots, late hits, faking injuries like a couple of soccer player, It goes on and on. A couple of teams have come forward and described some of the events that transpired in New England that were very fishy. Check out Dr. Z's column at Sportsillustrated.com.

http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2007/writers/dr_z/09/13/cheating/index.html

If New England goes 13-3 for the year and win it all without the aid of video I'll shut up. But for now, it's all very fishy and New England and butt chin Brady's "dynasty" is in question.

Best Songs of the Eighties

I was inspired to write this little gem after seeing Stephen King's greatests songs of all time list. As everyone noticed there were absolutely no songs past 1989 on the list which generated a ton of criticism from some music critics and internet basement nerds. I was inspired to do one better than ol' Uncle Stephen, list the best songs of the eighties. Nothing said crappily good more than the eighties; the hairstyles, the commercialism, the big, bad ass synthesizers; the waaaay too big drumset; the style; the drugs; the sitcoms. So I made this list keeping in mind to leave out any indie rock (Husker Du, REM, New Order, etc.). The one thing about Stephen King we should make note of is that he's from Maine, which makes him an insufferable Red Sox/Patriots fan. In other words drunk with success and kind of off his nut, like the rest of that area. Enjoy!

20) Mr. Mister - Broken Wings - Not only did Mr. Mister come up with the worst band name of all
time, they even managed to make an unbelievably cheesy 80's tune you could awkwardly dance
with your pre-teen sweety with. Mind you I was pre-teen also.

19) Survivor - Eye of the Tiger - Theme song for Rocky III, which was basically the beginning of
the end for good Sylvester Stallone films.

18) Dixie's Midnight Runners - Come on Eileen - Before Kevin Rowland discovered women's
clothing and fistfuls of coke he did write this gem. We should have
known something was up with him when he fired the drummer midway through the shooting of the video. I
believe that was a first.

17) Blondie - Call Me - Seen Deborah Harry lately? Father time really took a baseball bat to her.

16) Eddie Grant - Electric Avenue - I had no idea it was a protest song and neither did
anyone else including all the grown ups around me. Maybe Eddie should have done
more interviews.

15) Spandau Ballet - True - I actually really do like this song, no I don't think that's gay.

14) B-52's - Rock Lobster - mixing surf music with indie music being sung by an openly
gay man with two women looking like they were catapaulted out of 50's, no small feat.
What's a Rock Lobster? Who cares, it's a rocking little tune.

13) Culture Club - Do You Really Want To Hurt Me? - I don't think anybody realized she was a he
until they became unpopular, around 1987.

12) Frakie Goes to Hollywood - Relax - Made a top 10 song about gay sex. Good for
him, I think.

11) Big Country - Big Country - god rest Stuart Adamson soul
for not only coming up with a top ten hit Big Country, but also
naming his band Big Country. I think he named his kids Big and
Country.

10) Van Halen - Jump - made the video for $500.
I do like the red rocker but long live Diamond Dave!

9) Wang Chung - Wang Chung - What the hell is Wang
Chung? Doesn't matter, it's the 80's.

8) Tom Sawyer - Rush - Hey, I'm a Rush fan, got to
plug them somewhere in here.

7) Once in a Lifetime - Talking Heads - made clothes
that are waaaaaay too big for you fashionable, which
made life hell for a teenager with a sex drive of a
rhino.

6) Just Like Heaven - The Cure - you gotta love the
Cure, made putting on makeup fashionable and fun for
guys. I know Bauhaus did it , but they were just
creepy.

5) Pat Benetar - Love is a Battlefield - She couldn't
dance a lick but we loved her anyways. Seen her lately?
The opposite of Deborah Harry, smokin' hot.

4) Rio - Duran Duran - I just loved it on South Park
where Santa couldn't remember anymore Santa tunes to
sing and started belting out this one.

3) Katrina and the Suns - Walking on Sunshine - it was
so cheery and cool at the same time. She made me think
I was cool for wearing red converse high tops. All it did was
make me look like a big, fat kid with red shoes.

2) Any Chicago ballad - made we want a girlfriend at
the tender age of 11, and I didn't know why.

1) Starship - We Built this City - The ultimate 80's song. An unbelievably
crappy tune but I love it anyways. Grace Slick was
probably the first of the 60's and 70's rockers (CSNY,
Dillon, The Who, Beatles, Eagles, etc.) to realize
that she could
1) get a boatload of money by making
crappy music.
2) completely and utterly sell out her
soul and not give a crap (Sting anyone?).
3) pile together every 80's song cliche' into one compact
single and......
4) go on tour and jack up admissions in
order to preserve a higher end lifestyle and have
enough money left over for rehab and plastic surgery.
And I say, god bless her for it.

There are plenty others to list, but that's all I can think of right now.

Time for a beer, or three.......

Movies Made Since 1999 That Don't Suck (short version)

Since I've pretty much stop going to movies because they either:
1) Suck
2) Have a message about the war in Iraq or some other cause or
3) It's a sequel or remake, I found it difficult to find movies that I have really enjoyed in the last 8 years or so. So I compiled a list of movies that I found that didn't suck since 1999.

1) Fight Club - 1999

Before Brad Pitt became fodder for tabloids and before Ed Norton became a joyless windbag they did make a really decent movie. Fight Club, written by Chuck Palinuck and directed by underrated David Fincher was a movie against conformity and excessive materialism. Even though it's ironic that Pitt, Norton and Palinuck are now poster boys for excessive materialism it was still a good movie nonetheless. Filled with imaginative, snappy directing that almost made me throw up in the movie theater because I was so drunk at the time. After I saw it sober I really enjoyed it because it was different from what was out there at the time. It was so different that it tanked at the box office, which surprised no one. It's now a cult classic, like Debbie Does Dallas.

2) Snatch and Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels (2000 and 1999)

Before Madonna took Guy Ritchie hostage and told him to never make a good movie ever again he did direct these two gems. Snatch and Lock, Stock were imaginative, funny, inventive and gave us a view of the British gangster world, which is pretty much the wussiest gangster style ever. I enjoyed both movies so much I was actually eager to see Swept Away. Oops. I am now hoping that Guy Ritchie comes to his senses and ditch the old hag, or at the very least chuck her into the Thames.

3) Lord Of The Rings (1 and 2, not 3)

Lord of the Rings, the first two, were unbelievable. Probably one of the greatest translations of book to film since Fight Club. I have to admit that I have never read the Lord of the Rings series, but according to every virgin nerd that I've talked to it's pretty close to enjoyable as reading the novels. The directing was so good that it deserved an oscar, unfortunately the heavy handed and least enjoyable third installment of the series got it. But still, the Return of the King was a hell of a lot better than any movie that it was put against.

4) Sin City - 2005

Another good translation from book, I mean comic book, I mean graphic novel to film. I have to applaud Robert Rodriguez to keeping the film as close to the graphic novel as possible, even making Carla Gugino strip down to nothing but a g-string in most of her scenes (yeah!). Rodriguez also made it seem that Jessica Alba has acting ability, which is not easy by any means. Frank Miller even gave it his stamp of approval, which according to most is not easy since he's a joyless, old drunk now. Like me.

5) Shaun of the Dead - 2004

Loved this movie, directed by Edgar Wright and starring Simon Pegg. I really like Simon Pegg who also starred in a very funny British comedy called Spaced. The movie was born out of Simon Pegg playing Resident Evil 2 and wondering what would happen if London was infested with zombies. We found out; funny and scary. But mostly funny, because their British and drunk.

6) Hot Fuzz - 2007

Another Simon Pegg/Edgar Wright movie. Basically shows what would happen if Bad Boys were white and British. I actually enjoyed it a hell of a lot better than Bad Boys, mostly because I didn't feel intimidated by watching the damn thing.

7) A Scanner Darkley - 2006

I have to admit, I'm a big fan of Keanu Reeves. Even though he's robo- actor half of the time and acts like he's in the fourth dimension full of doped up midgets or something he doesn't use his money and power to make everyone believe what he believes, like all of Hollywood. That makes him awesome in my book. But this movie was a pretty decent translation of the Philip K. Dick book of the same name. Philip K. Dick was pretty insane and did enough drugs that could bring down a bull elephant, but man did he write some good crap. See also Blade Runner and Total Recall.

8) 24 Hour Party People - 2002

Movie that chronicled the life and death of Factory Records located in Manchester, England. Love the movie because I love the acts that it followed namely: Joy Division, New Order and the heavily drugged up Happy Mondays. Made me a big fan of Steve Coogan who was also in the very funny British comedy I am Alan Partridge.

9) Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy - 2005

Great translations of one of my favorite books of all time (yes, I've actually read something once). Martin Freeman was great and this movie made me a fan of Mos Def, until I saw 16 blocks, then I started to hate him.

10) Supertroopers/Club Dread/Beerfest - 2001/2003/2006

Dumb, funny comedy that didn't make me think a whole lot, 'nuff said.

11) Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie - 2007

Love the show even though it seems to be written by two drugged up freaks. Stretching a 10 minute cartoon into a 90 minute movie is no easy task, but they did it. PLUS - IT'S THE MOVIE DEBUT OF NEIL PEART, THE GREATEST ROCK DRUMMER EVER!!!!!!!!! NEIL, PLAY THE DRUM SOLO OF LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

12) Matrix - 1999

Again, big fan of Reeves. I thought it was funny that the directors put in their contracts that they didn't have to do any media events. I guessing because they didn't want to explain the last two Matrix movies and the fact that they are complete, utter freaks. I think one of them is a women now.

13) Hellboy/X-men movies

Probably the only two movies based on comics that worked. Enjoyable to say the least and didn't want me to burn all the comics I had, unlike Daredevil, Ghost Rider, Fantastic Four, The Hulk and the rest of the craptacular movies made from Marvel Comics. I would list Spider Man as good but the movies were held hostage by bad casting. Tobey McGuire is a man child who is 5'2" and 110 lbs and Kirstin Dunst acts like she should be in porn. Then they cast Topher Grace as Venom. The baddest, meanest villain in the Spider Man series is played by a guy that my two year old could beat up. It could have been great.

14) Mean Machine - 2001

Another British movie which is the British homage to The Longest Yard (the original, dammit!). Stars Vinnie Jones as a disgraced soccer (football) player who goes to jail and has to assemble a team to play against the guards. I enjoyed it, even though I really don't like soccer.

15) Layer Cake - 2004

Even though Daniel Craig is so wussy that he's one step away from ovulating, this is still a really good movie. Originally supposed to be directed by Guy Ritchie, but he was reminded that he was married to Madonna and he immediately backed out of the project, you know, because it was good. Matthew Vaughn stepped in and delivered the goods and I immediately wanted to bang Daniel Craig, I mean, Sienna Miller.

16) Road to Perdition - 2002

There is a road, and it leads to perdition, where everyone dies in the movie, including a very annoying Jude Law, gotta love it. I should really learn to use commas, and semi colons, and take a course in writing.

17) Bourne Identity/Bourne Supremacy - 2002/2004

Even though Matt Damon is forever ruined for me (thanks Team America) this was decent. The only complaint I had was the fact that the camera man in Supremacy was acting like he was Micheal J. Fox on Red Bull, there was a LOT of shaking. It was pretty damn annoying after a while, but still enjoyable.

18) Oceans' Eleven - 2001

Before the cast (Damon, Pitt, Clooney, etc.) became a walking, talking US weekly issue they did make a really smart remake. I guessing Clooney made this movie because he believed that this was a way of saving the environment, one of his pet causes (even though he travels by private jet, has multiple mansions, etc.). You know, starring in remakes and sequels is a form of recycling. I'm not saying he's the smartest guy in the world, but he sure is sexy for a 80 year old. But this was a fun movie. Then they made Oceans 12. Then Oceans 13. I'm sure 14, 15, 16 and 17 is in the works. Now I hate Oceans 11. Forget that I mentioned it.

There are others but I can't think of them right now. Please list ones that you like, if you're still reading.

I Have No Idea Why I'm Doing This

Seriously, I'm married with two year old, working and going to school full time, I shouldn't have the time to start writing my alcoholic rants. But hey, it's should be fun. Hope someone besides me will enjoy them.