Saturday, June 21, 2008

The Most Overrated Directors Of All Time

A thought occurred before I started writing this crappy post. The Godfather and John-O, the two I originally hooked with up on the blogosphere, most of our friends are either currently working or have at one point in time worked at a movie theater. Weird. Anyway, I was inspired to write this post because a certain movie came out and it's no surprise that most critics are kicking the shit out of it. A little hint, it was originally called The Green Effect. But I thought I would compile a list of directors I think are totally overrated. Enjoy, or don't, whatever.

The Director: Clint Eastwood

High Times: Bird, Firefox, Outlaw Of Josie Wales, Pale Rider, Heartbreak Ridge
Low Times: Blood Work, The Rookie, True Crime

The Overrated: Unforgiven (Oscar winner), Million Dollar Baby (Oscar winner), Flags Of Our Father, Letters From Iwo Jima

Analysis: All the overrated movies suffer from the same exact thing, slow as fucking hell. The pacing makes me want to grab a couple of ensures and crap in my adult diapers while complaining that it's "too cold in here." Unforgiven was just boring and brutal, a shitty combination, Million Dollar Baby was horrifically overrated and unrealistic (seriously, that many people would show up at a womens boxing match?!) and both Flags and Letters just made me so depressed I wanted to crawl in the back of a hearse.

The Director: Spike Lee
High Times: Malcolm X
Low Times: Practically everything else.

The Overrated: Do The Right Thing, Mo' Better Blues, Jungle Fever

Analysis: We get it Spike, you hate white people now how making some good movies you friggin midget. In all reality Spike should of just quit after making Malcolm X because there was absolutely no farking way in hell he would ever top that again. All of his movies look like they were directed by NYU film school dropouts and the music in his movies are so fucking overbearing I feel that the orchestra pit is sitting directly behind me and not in the movie.

The Director: M. Knight Shamilamadigleberry
High Times: Sixth Sense
Low Times: Lady in the Water, or was it lake? Who gives a shit?

The Overrated: Everything else.

Analysis: I give M. Knight credit he does have a unique directing style, too bad his scripts suck out loud. His ego is Hulk huge, almost like he pays people around him to say shit like: "Signs does make sense, don't you change a thing." "Come on M. Knight, the movie studios have no idea how good Lady in the Water will be." "Make the Happening, it doesn't sound stupid. Make it your environmental movie, people will really think that they could be infected with a neuro toxin and die in horrific ways if they are bad to the environment." Whoops sorry, SPOILER ALERT. I admit, I have not seen The Happening and I only managed to get through roughly 30 minutes of The Village and about 5 minutes of Lady before taking out the DVD and chucking it back at the general direction of Blockbuster. But I already knew the endings so what's the point of going on? Actually I don't know the ending of Lady and somehow I don't give a shit.

The Director: Steven Spielberg
High Times: Saving Private Ryan, Shindler's List (or fist if you're into the porn), Raiders of the Lost Ark, Indiana Jones Last Crusade, Jurassic Park
Low Times: Always, AI (complete crap), Minority Report, Hook, The Terminal, War of the Worlds, Jurassic Park II and III

The Overrated: E.T., Catch Me If You Can, Munich, especially Munich, Jaws

Analysis: I really never thought Jaws was that great of a movie, there are a couple of good lines and I have always liked Roy Scheider as an actor but I just never thought it was all that great. E.T. and AI I have always thought were pretty much the same fucking movie, and when he digitally removed the guns from the people going after Sam Cassel, I mean E.T. I really started to hate Spielberg. Munich I thought was pretty much the ol' "let's not fight back if terrorist attack, let's be like France and let someone else deal with it" typical BS that hard core liberals are throwing around nowadays.

The Director: Ang Lee
High Times: Nothing
Low Times: Hulk

The Overrated: The Ice Storm, Brokeback Mountain, Eat Drink Man Women

Analysis: I saw roughly 30 minutes of Brokeback Mountain and I wanted those 30 minutes back. If Brokeback replaced the gay couple with a straight couple it would probably have been voted the worst movie of the year. I actually sat through Hulk and I wanted to shoot Stan Lee for even making the character Hulk. After watching The Ice Storm I can see way people living outside of the U.S. would think Americans suck. Eat Drink Man Women? Never saw it I have to admit, it just looked too artsy fartsy for me.

The Director: Oliver Stone
High Times: Platoon, Wall Street, Talk Radio
Low Times: Any Given Sunday, U Turn, Natural Born Killers, World Trade Center, Alexander, Nixon, Heaven and Earth

The Overrated: JFK

Analysis: The guy pretty much lost it after 1988 producing no movies with any redeeming qualities. He actually blamed the right wingers for the failures of Alexander completely ignoring the fact that the movie was a complete abortion. As for JFK? There was a great documentary on the JFK assassination on the History Channel which showed that Lee Harvey Oswald could in fact have killed JFK by himself. The one HUGE thing in the movie that was completely ignored was the fact that Oswald was an exceptional marksman. Oh and also the gun could be fired within the time allotted to blow off JFK's dome. Oh, and most of the "facts" in the movie were in fact complete lies. I felt violated when I learned this, I actually took some of the movie for fact. The documetary makers actually called for Stone to come in and be interviewed about his movie but he refused. When asked about his innaccuracies all he had to say was that he needed to make the movie entertaining, he had to exaggerate the facts a little. This is about the time I started to hate liberals.

The Director: Alan Smithee

High Times: Nothing
Low Times Everything

The Overrated: Nothing, all his movies suck

Analysis: This guy keeps getting job after job even though his movies suck complete balls. How this complete waste of space still manages getting gigs even though it's obvious that he has no talent is way beyond me. I mean, Jesus Christ monkey balls!

Note: I'm kidding.

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