Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Father Time And A Baseball Bat

I upgraded my Dish channels the other day and was happy as hell to learn that VH1 classic came with it. Well, in the course of enjoying 120 minutes (man I LOVED that show back in the day) a video from Blondie came on, a recent one. I couldn't believe my eyes. What in the hell happened to Debbie Harry? She looked horrific. I know we can't all grow gracefully like Sean Connery or Judy Densch but these next few really looked like father time took a baseball bat to them.

Tim Robbins
What he was then: A hard bodied Nuke Laloosh throwing heaters at mascots and screwing everything that moves. He was also the replacement for Goose in the soft core gay porn movie Top Gun.

What he is now: A 50 year old lesbian.

What happened: Given his meandering speeches about stiff winds and loss of free speech I'm guessing drugs. That and living with Susan Surandan.

Michael Stipe
What he was then: It could be argued that Stipe never really looked all that good, like his guitarist. But there were some times he didn't look bad, especially when he rocked the long hair.

What he is now: A white Starvin Marvin with huge pits.

What happened: Drugs. I'm also guessing god punished Stipe for writing Shiny Happy People.

C. Thomas Howell
What he was then: Pony Boy, the fresh faced kid who was in classics such as The Outsiders, Soul Man and Side Out.

What he is now: Old. The guy is only 41 years old and he looks 61, fuck me man chow down on some placenta or something.

What happened: Unknown but I'm guessing drugs, lots of drugs and a shit load of aging pills. If such a thing exists.

Priscilla Presley
What she was then: Frank Dreben's love interest, oh, I guess she was married to someone really famous that died. I forget who exactly.

What she is now: What looks like a tranny who god his/her face bashed in.

What happened: Pills, lots of pills and a couple of botched plastic surgeries.

Melanie Griffith
What she was then: The working girl with big blond hair and a nice rack.

What she is now: What looks like a deflated blow up doll with fucked up lips.

What happened: Alcohol and pills with a crappy botox injection mixed in. On a side note you got to hand it to Antonio Banderas, he's stuck by his disfigured women.

Brigette Nielson
What she was then: Every teenage boy's mid to late 80's fantasy and Sylvester Stallone's personal trainer.

What she is now: A very tall, wrinkly, used up F list celebrity.

What happened: Alcohol, pure alcohol. Which would explain her having sex with Flavor Flav.

Cameron Diaz
What she was then: A fairly good looking girl with a great bod, at least in Mask anyways.

What she is now: A troll doll without the funky hair.

What happened: Pure genetics, her face is just a dumping ground for wrinkles and blotches.

Sylvester Stallone
What he was then: The Italian Stallion hugging and kissing Apollo Creed.

What he is now: A walking anti steroid ad. His face looks like he swallowed a bike tire pump. Plus old men with muscles really makes me lurch.

What happened: Enough steroids that would take down the entire East German Olympic team.

Debbie Harry
What she was then: Mastubatory aid to all new wave fans world wide.

What she is now: Just. Looks. Awful.

What happened: What I didn't realize was the fact that Debbie made it big with Blondie when she was 32 years old. I never realized she was that old. So she's just an overweight 63 year trying to rock on stage. I'll just cut her a little slack.

Anna Nicole Smith
What she was then: A Playboy playmate with a million dollar rack and a 5 cent head.

What she is now: A coffin stuffer

What happened: Too soon?

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