Thursday, July 3, 2008

This Is My Last Role? 'Scuse Me While I Go Die Now

I know all actors would like to go out on top, to be remembered in a way that is dignified and glorious. Heath Ledger's last role was Joker in the Dark Knight, which I hear is receiving serious raves. Sometimes though actors are not as lucky as 'ol Heath. Sometimes an actors last role is the equivalent of the death scene of Elvis; face down, pants down, bloated and fat with the last contribution for the world floating in the john. Yes I ripped off Denis Leary, he ripped off Bill Hicks, were all even. Anyways, here are some actors whose last role I would deem a total shitball.

The Actor: Raul Julia
Best Known For: Kiss of the Spider Women, Moon Over Parador, Addams Family, Presumed Innocent, Tequila Sunrise
Last Movie Role: Street Fighter
Analysis: I loved Raul Julia, I was kind of bummed to hear he passed on, but not as bummed to learn that his last role was Street Fighter, exhibits 1 and 1A of why video games should not be turned into movies. A total shitfest of bad acting, bad action and homeroticism that rivaled Top Gun. To make matters worse his last role was opposite of Jean Claude Van Damme, who's fall from grace was so bad that he actually got a boner on live TV not to long ago. Raul deserved better. Jean Claude deserves a severe beating.

The Actor: Chris Farley
Best Known For: Tommyboy, Coneheads, Airheads, Billy Madison, actually his movies kind of sucked after Tommyboy, but I'll continue.
Last Movie Role: Almost Heroes
Analysis: This movie was so bad I think I shit myself, literally shit on myself. Even though Black Sheep blew and Beverly Hills Ninja was a cornucopia of crap Almost Heroes was just pain inducing bad. I have a feeling that if Farely continued to live he probably would have made a movie so awful that anyone that viewed it would have looked like that kid from The Ring.

The Actor: John Belushi
Best Known For: Animal House, Continental Divide (which I thought sucked but..), 1941, Blues Brothers
Last Movie Role: Neighbors
Analysis: About this time Belushi's drug habit was pretty fucking intense, so much so that the director of this film had no clue whether or not Belushi would even show up sometimes. Though the movie wasn't as bad as Almost Heroes it sure was light years away from Blues Brothers. Like Farely, Belushi died of a drug overdose at the age of 33. Farely, I guess, was following in John's footsteps by starring in shitty movies before 8 balling out.

The Actor: John Candy
Best Known For: Uncle Buck, Planes Trains and Automobiles, Spaceballs, The Great Outdoors, Cool Runnings, Stripes
Last Movie Role: Wagons East
Analysis: Wagons East was so bad that he actually died on the set suffering the indignity of being packed in a piano crate to be shipped back to Canada in order to escape from the film. Even more hardcore than chewing off your own arm when it's trapped in a bear trap. And that's not the worst of it, the movie was dedicated to him, kind of like Denny's dedicating a toilet seat to me. Of course Candy's last released movie was Canadian Bacon, a movie written and directed by Michael Moore, which would have killed me dead.

The Actress: Natalie Wood
Best Known For: West Side Story and other classic movies that I never bothered to see.
Last Movie Role: Brainstorm
Analysis: While I enjoyed Brainstorm a lot of critics did not. Even though Natalie Wood and Louise Fletcher were nominated for their roles it was the Saturn awards, a Sci Fi thing, not exactly the Academy Awards. It also flopped at the box office. Many of the scenes were filmed with stand ins for the remainder of the shoot due to a drunk Natalie Wood betting Robert Wagner that she could swim. I'm going to hell for that last sentence.

The Actor: Peter Sellers
Best Known For: Pink Panther movies, Casino Royale, Being There, The Ladykillers, other classics
Last Movie Role: Trail of the Pink Panther
Analysis: I'm stretching this a bit because he never actually "starred" in the movie because he died of a heart attack before shooting, but it didn't stop Blake Edwards from making the movie scrapping together scant new and old footage of Sellers. The movie is basically a reporter (Jonna Lumley - Ab Fab fame) trying to track down Inspector Clouseau, our favorite bumbling detective. The movie was so shitty that Sellers died again after viewing it.

The Actor: Bela Lagosi
Best Known For: Dracula and other classic movies
Last Movie Role: Plan 9 From Outer Space
Analysis: His last starring role was in a movie that is basically regarded as the worst movie ever made, even more so than Crash, and that's saying a lot. You just can't top that.

The Director: Stanley Kubrick
Best Known For: A Clockwork Orange, 2001, Full Metal Jacket, The Shining, Spartacus, Paths Of Glory
Last Directing Gig: Eyes Wide Shut
Analysis: I know John-O really likes this movie so I'll be gentle. This movie was a big piece of shit. Bad acting, script and a soundtrack that sounded like it was written by a five year old. That and the last lines of the movie was so fucking awful. "What do we do now?" asked Tom Cruise. "Fuck" responded Nicole Kidman in a role that she acted so wooden that if you told me a robot was a stand in I would believe you. Nicole Kidman was even nude for the movie and I still thought it sucked. I'm pretty convinced that Kubrick died for this movie. If he actually lived I'm betting heavily that this movie would have been panned heavily and would probably been nominated for a couple of Rassies. Sorry John-O, I wasn't gentle, your welcome to fillet any movie that I like.

No comments: