Dane Cook's Guide To Sucksess

On one of my trips to the 'ol pooping hole at work I discovered a 2006 issue of Men's Health magazine. On the cover was Dane Cook, making one of his stupid faces, the title was "Dane Cook's Slacker Guide To Success." I only got through one paragraph before realizing that the road to success for Dane was a shitload easier for him than say a fat comic from Indianapolis. So I decided to rewrite the article for him. So...

Dane Cook's Guide To Sucksess

1) Steal Jokes From Other Comics.

Unethical? Sure. Dick move? You bet, but you can be an unethical dickbag all the way...to the bank. It's as tried and true as the missionary position. Go to an untaped performance of a decent comic, say, Bill Hicks, take notes then basically repeat the jokes without even giving it a second thought. If questioned just ignore it or start yelling at the person doing the questioning. Before you know it your on your way to the top. But Josh, I mean, Dane, how can you rake in a shitload of taxable Obama dollars by stealing jokes? Well what do Carlos Mencia, Robin Williams and Denis Leary have in common? They are all rich as fucking hell and they all blatantly stole jokes from other comics. Hell, Denis Leary did one better and stole an entire persona. Then the poor bastard he stole from died before anyone was the wiser. Denis Leary is a lucky man, and you could be too.

2) Get A Decent Body

Since you'll be stealing jokes like Rosie O'Donnell you will have shitloads more time to work on your abs, gluets and biceps. Grab some weights some Muscle Milk and get your swell on bra. The audience will be less likely to boo you into oblivion if your packing a little heat on stage. Guys like Patton Oswald and Dave Attel have to be on top of their game due to their portly bodies and unsightly facial features. If you bomb at least you can raise your arms in your muscle shirt and squirt out your rock hard junk. Girls will dig it and guys will start thinking that they need to hit the gym without realizing that you told a shitty joke.

3) Make Unnecessary Exaggerated Movements On Stage...Also BE LOUD!

Works for Jim Carrey and Robin Williams and it could work for you. Flail about without any reason while telling a joke, for added effect BE LOUD! Raise your leg like a dancer while reciting a story about banging a chick. Arch your back and scream like Tarzan while doing a Tarzan impersonation. It works damn it! Robin Williams stage performance is 30% flailing, 30% imitating (gay guy, Wizard of Oz, black preacher, etc.), 30% Loud, 5% perspiration, 4.5% inspiration, 0.4% funny and 0.01% actual joke. But Dane, Robin WIlliams is really annoying. That's the fucking point. And look at him now, making tons of dough doing shitty movies and snorting coke off Christy Canyon's ass.

4) Be From Boston.

Or really any little town from Mass and Rhode I. Vermont is kind of pushing it. But take a gander at this list of famous people from Massachusetts. It's HUGE. That that doesn't even count assholes from Pravadance. So being a "southy" from "Bastan" gives you a much needed foot in the door. Even if you have absolutely no talent (Ben Affleck) or are really annoying (Mark Walhberg) or you actually have talent (J Mascis) you have an in. For added success wear your hat with the letter "B" on it and show up at Red Sawks games. Also show up and be really annoying when Bastan makes the World Series. It works I'm telling you. Do you think Steven King would have made it big being from Omaha, Nebraska? I think not. Think Matt Damon would be where he is today if he was from Albuquerque, New Mexico? How about Seth McFarlane of Family Guy fame? No. Fucking. Way. Having that annoying, bastardized version of a New Jersey accent will make you chic in Hollywood circles. Not from Boston? Move there as quick as you can, get the accent, become a fan, get liberal, then edit your Wikipedia and IMDB accounts as much as possible.

5) Be Very Liberal.

Actually this is just an option because you can avoid being political, but being a conservative is a great disadvantage to you in being successful, unless your a politician or a born again Christian preacher. For added success be very smug, arrogant and regurgitate all talking points from op-ed pieces from the L.A. Times, New York Times and Keith Olberman. Call everyone who has a different view from you childish names and hope rape on them and pregnancy on their underage children. Children? Going to far? Nope, just ask Dave Letterman. Make absolutely no sense when you debate someone on national t.v. Scream at them like Jon Stewart if you realize that you are making shit for sense. Also, go green. But Dane, I take private jets and slam more carbon in the air than a fucking volcano. See your ok, just SAY your green, you don't actually have to do it. Your not Ed Begley, Jr. for chrissakes. Works for Brad Pitt, Angolina Jolie, Leonardo DeCarprio, shit, the rest of Hollywood. See being liberal is basically a license to kill card. You can say the most racist insensitive things without being called out on it.

6) Don't Be Black.

Sorry, Dave Chappelle was a anomaly. If you are black you have to be a stereotype to the hilt, and even then you might not live long enough to see the fruits of your labor pay off. The road to success is still very racist my friends.

7) Be Gay (Last Resort)

This works well if your jokes are insanely unfunny (Ant) and if you are and unsightly piece of crap (Harvey Feirstein). It's not a slam dunk but it might work for you if all else fails. Gay rights are big in celebrity circles. Whatever you do, don't be talented and for the love of god do not do anything smacking of originality or hilarity. You could find yourself in obscurity hell like Scott Thompson. Be a stereotypical gay, be flamboyent, loud and annoying. Whatever you do, don't be funny. If your a lesbian, be careful. Rosie O'Donnel only got in because...actually I have no idea how the hell she got in.

8) Come Across As A Huge Slacker.

Kevin Smith started it and Dane Cook, me, kept it rolling. Being a slacker means your cool, man. Like you dig drinking, smoking weed and telling your boss to fuck off. People will instantly love you.

9) When All Else Fails, Dick, Vagina and Fart Jokes.

No explanation needed.

10) Don't Take Acting Lessons.

Complete waste of time unless your British and dig doing Shakespeare. When you make it big acting is a cinch. Why do you think Julia Roberts bombed on Broadway? Because she's a movie star, not an actor. And you can do take after take after take until you get it right. Paris Hilton. There you go.

Congrats! You made it big. But how do I keep the money rolling to keep up with my enormous lifestyle? Easy.

11) Run Out Of Ideas? Recycle, Recycle, Recycle.

Mike Myers movies are all the same and tell the exact same jokes. Hell if you watch Austin Powers 1 thru 3 non-stop you'll realize at some points (2 actually) that the movie started over with the same bits. Look at him now, he will never have to work again (unfortunately he still does). Make the same movie over and over again is the point. Romantic comedies will score you some quick recession proof scratch.

12) Make A Stand Up Comeback.

The stage is calling for you again, but instead of doing a shitty show at 1 am at the Chuckle Hut you will be booking enormous stages across the U.S. Do your stand up bits that made you big and for god sakes don't be funny. Not one fucking bit.

There you go, a quick Dane Cook Guide To Sucksess. See you at the Oscars fuck-o.