Friday, October 5, 2007

Movies/Shows and the Causes They Have Wrecked

There are some movies and shows that have come out in the last couple of years that have tried to persuade us to live and think a certain way but failed miserably because they are so gosh darn awful. I'll cuss better later on in this rant. Here are a few......

The Sara Silverman Show

The Cause: That Sara Silverman is actually funny.

Where it failed: Well, everywhere. She is such a comedic black hole that she has now officially ruined Jimmy Kimmel. She should probably take a note from Margaret Cho; being foul mouthed comedian without any jokes does not make you funny, just a hack with a foul mouth.

The Solution: Just quit, seriously, porn is calling, maybe a underground tape of Silverman, Kimmel and Pamela Anderson in a three way would help you recoup your losses.

American Dad

The Cause: That conservatives are joyless, war mongering, neanderthals.

Where it failed: Giving all the good lines and jokes to the conservative neanderthal and giving all the unfunny and crappy lines to the liberal, named Haley, REALLY doesn't help. Unless, that how it is in real life. There is also the unflattering representation of Haley where she's always baked past noon and can barely get through community college. Plus the fact that Stan Smith (the neanderthal) is routinely viewed as a sympathetic figure, especially at the end.

The Solution: You know what? Steve Smith is pretty much carrying that show, send Haley to a real college or something.

The Mind of Mencia

The Cause: That Carlos Mencia creates and uses his own jokes.

Where it failed: YouTube ran a video showing where Mencia ripped off his jokes. The fact that Joe Rogan, who can barely pronounce his own name, exposed him is especially damning. There was also a YouTube skit (too lazy to post it) that shows Rogan out thinking and out maneuvering a grasping at straws Carlos while they were on stage duking it out, comically, not physically.

The Solution: Write your own jokes douchebag.

Passion of the Christ

The Cause: Not sure what the cause was. To convert non-believers to Christianity? We'll go with that.

Where it failed: Pretty much everywhere. The over use of slow motion, the deranged Hollywood actor drunk with power, money and hatred of Jews directing; the fact that this movie was really nothing more than a 3 hour snuff film; the fact that I wanted to convert to Buddhism within the first 10 minutes of the film and forget that I was ever a Lutheran from New Jersey; the whipping scenes that go on longer than it really should have; it goes on and on.

The Solution: Give Mel his own island ala Napoleon Bonaparte and make sure he never gets ahold of a camera again, then round up all Christians who actually thought this movie was good and give them a good spanking.

Battlefield Earth

The Cause: Scientology (please don't sue me!)

Where it failed: Same as Passion, everywhere. If Jon Travolta said that this movie is a comedy and not to take too seriously I think everyone would forgive him, eventually, because it was really funny. But the fact that he took this movie very seriously and the damning fact that this is considered one of the worst movies of all time should have really made everyone reconsider the religion that is Scientology. Then compound that with the fact that Travolta was willing to front his own movie to make a sequel should have given him a one way ticket to an insane asylum. But you have to admit, a religion which is based off a man who was knocking back Coronas on his boat wondering if he could get followers by making up a bunch of crap about aliens to get him more dough, you just have to marvel at that.

The Solution: Considering that fact that a lot of high profiled and rich Hollywood actors are involved in this, there really is no solution. But at least we know there won't be a sequel.

The Day After Tomorrow

The Cause: Global Warming

Where it failed: This web site will give a much better explanation of why this movie failed. Other than the fact that Al Gore was promoting this movie pounding on the podium that this kind of thing will happen in the future while the temperate outside was -2 degrees Celsius. Compound that with the fact that all global warming experts and Al Gore refuse to debate or take any questions from any detractors on the validity of their scientific findings in an open forum, making the cause very suspect.

The Solution: Debate or come clean, one or the other, quit hiding behind your boys from the media.

Super Size Me

The Cause: Vegetarianism, corporations are evil

Where it failed: Actually it didn't at first. Morgan Spurlock and his vegetarianism propaganda machine was doing pretty well. This documentary was chugging along with a lot of followers until common sense questions started to creep in.

1) Who can afford or have the time to eat McDonalds 3 times a day?

2) When you are a strict vegetarian (as Morgan Spurlock is) isn't the body going to reject any sort of processed food, making you throw up?

3) Who in the hell is dumb enough to eat McDonalds 3 times a day and believe that you won't gain massive amounts of weight and have body organs shutting down on you eventually?

4) Instead of pointing the finger at McDonalds for the poor diet of Americans shouldn't we be pointing the finger at ourselves? It's caused freedom of choice, we have the choice to eat or not eat McDonalds. We have the choice to eat healthy or crappy, to be in or out of shape. Why don't I drink nothing but beer for 30 days and I'll get back to you on how it works out, then we can go after the evil beer corporations.

The solution: Well, Spulock has pretty much disappeared, so there you go. It didn't help that he folded like origami under scrutiny during one news show.

There you go. Time for a beer, and some big macs.

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