Sunday, October 28, 2007

Sports Guy Mock World Series Game 4 Running Diary

Since Boston is about to win the world series that means all of ESPN.com is about to explode with stories, articles and nonsensical Boston BS. One of the lead writers on ESPN is Bill (I only got this job because I'm a Boston sports fan) Simmons. He is probably the biggest Boston homer they have on the web page, he also makes fun of Indy sports teams waaaay too much (see "the Manning face"). He goes out of his way to do so contantly, even this year with the Colts. Since ESPN has only Jay Mariotti representing the midwest (seriously, look it up, 7 Boston writers for 3 teams, 1 midwest writer for a shitload of midwest teams) I thought I would make a typical mock diary of Bill Simmons for tonights inevitable Boston win.

8:00 - We come at you live for game five of the world series with Boston battling, um, some team from Colorado, seriously, does Colorado have a team? I only know the Red Sox and the hated Yankess.

8:15 - Me, House, Jay-Bug and the rest of the Goonies were circle jerking each other the other day while watching Good Will Hunting when House asked if there was a better team then the 2004 Red Sox. We all said the 2007 Red Sox.

8:20 - Tim McCarver is dumn (insert typical dumn McCarver quote).

8:30 - Second pitch is hit and the Red Sox are on base. It's in the bag. I'm already preparing to write "Now I can Die In Peace II, Electric Boogaloo."

8:45 - My dad called me after the Red Sox scored their first run, "hey son, I'm not your real dad, by the way, go Sox".

9:00 - "THIS IS OUR COOOOUNTRY."

9:14 - My wife comes in all mad at something, I don't know why, maybe I'll give her her own crappy article to write that no one will read in my colums on ESPN.com. By the way, did you know that I'm a Boston Red Sox fan?

9:20 - Boston 2, St. Louis - 0. I know that St. Louis isn't in the world series, it's just that I don't any other team other than Boston and the Evil Empire.

9:25 - I would f**k Jason Varitek on my coffee table right now with Big Papi's c**k in my mouth.

9:40 - (some stupid anecdote about some shitty reality TV show on MTV that no 30 year old should be watching).

9:45 - (Name drop about a celebrity that he knows).

9:50 - Tom Brady is dreamy - Red Sox 2, White Sox - 0.

You get the idea.

31 comments:

Michael Maier said...

That's really good!

I love Simmons. I am a Red Sox fan, but he is really funny too. You have to take everything he says with a grain of salt, but he does have some neat insights about sports in general.

And you can't tell me that Mellonball's "Our Country" song doesn't suck donkey c*ck. It's the only commercial guaranteed to make me change the channel no matter what's happening in the game. Without fail.

I would gladly pour the gasoline on Joan Cougar Melonbush (tip of the hat to Bob & Tom there) and strike the match as revenge for that song being inflicted upon my psyche.

Prime Mover said...

I think the only way you could be a Bill Simmons fan is if your a Boston fan, and that's about it. firejaymariotti.com made a good point on how Bill Simmons must be the most hated writer on ESPN.com because his posts are the only one without a comment box (I'm surprised Jemele Hill's does). I really used to like Bill (even as a Yankee fan) but then he started writing the same shit over and over again and started to take pot shots at Indy teams without fear of retrobrutions (sp) or any semblence of reasoning, only because they beat his beloved teams. I really started hating him last year when when he became a bitter Pats fan when Indy beat them. He did not give Indy ANY credit for coming back and sounded like a drunken Sully at the end of a Boston bar. He stopped with the insights and began with the Boston pom-pomming and the cheap shots. I just wish ESPN.com would actually hire someone not in Boston or in L.A. Like, the midwest, to counter Bill.

He started going down hill when Boston teams started winning.

I whole heartedly agree that Mellonhead's song sucks complete ass (as does Mellonbush) even before they started cramming it down our throats. It's just a typical thing that Simmons puts in his diaries.

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