Thursday, November 29, 2007

The Best Worst Movies Of All Time

If you haven't noticed I like to write lists of crap rather than a random post generating my opinion. I was going to write a nasty little blog criticizing The Indianapolis Star for basically supporting a candidate for Mayor of Indianapolis rather than report the news and let us citizens decide on who we would like to vote for. This is why I hate the media of today, they generally mislead us and basically promote their own agendas and opinions (that goes for both sides of the political fence), which is why I and other drunk people go to places like The Onion for our news. Anyways, back to my crappy post, there are movies that everyone and their brother say is awesome and a "classic", these are some I feel are really overrated, hence the best worst movies of all time moniker.

1) Easy Rider (1969) - If I were high as a fucking kite 24/7 I would probably still really hate this movie. It's slow, crappy, and only for hippies who like to get baked and remember the good ol' days, if they can remember them at all.

Worse part of the movie - Hillbillies beat the ever loving crap out of Hopper, Fonda and Nicholson at their camp site with baseball bats. Nicholson dies and apparently Fonda and Hopper are so chocked up about their new friends death that they leave him there and continue on with their journey apparently free of injuries.

2) Shakespeare In Love (1998) - Won the best picture oscar beating out the more deserving Saving Private Ryan. Why? No idea, this movie was awful. It didn't help the fact that it starred chronic whiner Gwyneth Paltrow.

Worse part of movie - When Ben Affleck appears.

3) Forrest Gump (1994) - If someone told me that this would win best picture of the year beating out both Shaweshank Redemption and Pulp Fiction, easily the best of 1994, I would have called you a no good liar, then I would have bet my beer money that it wouldn't happen. I would have lost my shirt. A dumb guy running for 2 hours during the sixties and seventies, that's all the movie is.

Worse part of the movie - The running scene, pretty much the entire movie.

4) Gladiator - (2000) - The battle scenes were confusing, I had no idea who the hell was killing who half the time; it had hair lip Steve (Jacquan Phoenix); it left out some pretty significant facts of the time; and it had resident overrated actor and chronic head case Russell Crowe as the lead. I was disappointed because I usually love Ridley Scott movies.

Worse part of the movie - The awkward kiss between hair lip Steve and his sister.

5) The Godfather Movies (I and II) - I'll start out by saying that I know this is a classic, a majority of the people out there think these movies are the best of all time. I just didn't get it. I tried numerous times to sit down and watch them, the furthest I got was 1 hour, and that was because I was at the hospital bored out of my skull and there was nothing else on in the break room except this. I figured out the reason I didn't cozy up to this classic. I saw Goodfellas and Casino first before I even tried to watch Godfather, which is kind of like getting an ipod then going back to an 8 track a few years later. That was probably a bad analogy. But the main reason was Goofellas and Casino were based on real events, some embellishments of the facts but generally true which made it more interesting. Godfather was largely made up. Goofellas and Casino had nice snappy editing and speed through scenes at break neck speeds, which is great for my ADHD. Godfather was ploddy, slow, like watching two turtles screwing in molasses. Goofellas and Casino had DeNiro and Pesci pre sell out and over the top, Godfather had Marlon (I sound like I'm chewing on bacon when I talk) Brando and a young pre-whooha Al Pacino. Anyways, I know it's a classic, so I'll just agree to disagree.

6) Titanic (1997) - No explanation needed. This movie is the reason I now hate:

a) The academy awards.
b) Leonardo DeCrapio.
c) Any story or documentary on the History channel covering the Titanic.

7) Monsters Ball (2002) - Gave me a headache. Not only did it get best picture nods it also led to Holly Berry winning for best actress and leading up to her giving the loudest most annoying oscar acceptance speech of all time, narrowly beating out Sally Field. Just an aweful movie.

8) Brokeback Mountain (2004) - I had a really good gay friend where I use to work tell me that this was probably the most overrated movie of all time. The characters were crap, the story was crap, plus no homosexual man could get their rocks off watching Ledger and Gyeeennhhalll because there were no true love scenes, if you know what I mean. Those were his words, not mine. After watching about 20 minutes of it I realized my friend was right.

9) The Sixth Sense (1999) - Thanks to M. Night Shamalamadingdong every movie after this started to do the "twist" ending, usually with disastrous results. Cracked.dom covers these movies. In retrospect this movie was really not all that great, especially since M. Knight is probably the biggest egomaniac director around. He thinks he's Spielberg but he's actually Uwe Boll.

Worse part of the movie - "I see dead people."

There are others for sure...I just can't think of them right now.


John-O said...

Laughed out loud when I got to the Shamalamadingdong bit. Agree completely with Gladiator, Titanic (soured me on Leo, as well - and everyone associated with it except Billy Zane and Kate Winslet), and Sixth Sense (possibly the most overrated movie ever).

I think of Forrest Gump in a way I think you will appreciate - it is fluffy. I like the movie, but it was clearly not best picture that year. Pulp Fiction was far superior in every aspect except soundtrack (a tie), and Shawshank Redemption might be the best movie ever (except for, well...The Godfather).

(Actually, I'd put The Silence Of The Lambs and The Usual Suspects ahead of Shawshank aslo - but it's for sure top five.)

You're correct about Goodfellas and Casino being based on actual events and people - Monster's Ball, however, was not nominated for Best Picture.

Prime Mover said...

I could have sworn Monsters Ball was nominated for best pic. Oh well. Your right, Forrest Gump is fluffy and I actually did enjoy it at the time of its release but I was never so ticked when it won over Pulp and Shawshank, which is why I started hating the movie. Plus everyone through the mid to late nineties were doing their "Jennay" impersenations waaaay too much which added to the hatred.

Funny, I almost put Silence of the Lambs on the list of overrated but I came to my senses pretty quick. Though I'm not a big Jodie Foster fan Anthony Hopkins was just way too damn good in the movie.

The other funny thing is that I read people saying The Usual Suspects is one of the most overrated. What the hell are they smoking?