Saturday, March 28, 2009

The Shittiest Rock Bands Of All Time

There are bands where you start thinking that god truly does not exist for letting these knobs roam the face of the Earth distributing their crappy music and horrific talent. Now, these are bands that I find 1) untalented and 2) write shittiest songs ever made. I mean SHITTY songs. The type of songs that you would risk a head on collision with a semi to hurriedly turn the station. This is why I love my ipod. Suck it you anti corporate snobs. Anyways here they are.

10) Nickelback - Not only do they suck but the lead singer hates his fans. Their songs sound like frozen bile in a sock beating a cat. It's awful, how these guys don't trip over vomit on the way out of their show is beyond me because I would throw up, convulse and then die in a pool of my own crap and piss if I were forced to see them.

9) Maroon 5 - Ugh, their damn music gives me cavities. Absolutely no talent, you can actually hear the drummer thinking before hitting the snare.

8) Rolling Stones - Go ahead and flame me bitches because seriously, they have no talent. I know that Charlie Watts plays decent jazz but he plays the same goddamn rhythm on each farking song. It looks like a retarded monkey trying to figure out how to jerk off. Bassists? There's a bassist? They need two guitarists to do the work of one and Mick Jagger couldn't hit a fucking note if a note was a fat fish in a small bucket and he's standing over it with an anti-fish bazooka. "hey Mick give me a C." OOOH. "No, a fucking C!" OOOOOOOHH! "God you suck." Yes, I know, Paint it Black is a great tune as is Gimme Shelter but having to sit through the rest of their repretoire gives me gas.

7) Hootie and the Blowfish - I know they are a great bunch of guys and it would be a hoot to sit through Bible study with them but Lord help me they are awful. Hold My Hand makes me feel like I'm in a middle of a Christian Rock band concert looking up and crying while touching pee pees with other converts in the building. This is why I really think Hootie blows.

6) Fall Out Boy - Alright, I give them credit, they did name their band from a Simpson character but fcuk me! Talentless and writing their songs consists of talking about their feelings while bitching about how their mascara smudges when they cry. They have to be ovulating right now as we speak.

5) Creed - If these guys were overweight assholes from Wisconsin they would be laughed off the stage. Scott Stapp has to take off his shirt in order to take the attention away from his crap songs. Their lyrics sounds like it was written by Sam from I Am Sam after suffering a debilitating, crushing head blow.

4) Bruce Springsteen - Sorry, him and his menopausal backing band from the 1870's are completely talentless. After watching his Super Bowl performance I have a hard time trying to figure out why baby boomers pony up multiple minivan payments in order to see him. He said that he's for the working class. Really? Then why does it cost $800 for an upper row balcony seat to see your shitty music. Seriously, after listening to Dancing In The Dark tell me that he actually has talent.

4) Don McLean - American Pie. I hate you. I fucking fucking fucking hate you you fucking waste of space. Getting ball smashing drunk still doesn't get the song out of my head. That shitty song is already stuck in my head by writing these words. These words right here. And here. And a little here. ......and here.

3) Green Day - Your best song is about jacking off. Really original gays, I mean, guys. I think the name of their next album is "Search for the Fourth Cord." I misspelled it on purpose because they are a bunch of really dumb fucks that only thing they know how to do is look good in front of the camera and selling out so much that even Moby has to speak up and say something.

2) Hole - My god, the only reason, and I mean the ONLY reason Courtney Love got this abortion off the ground is because Kurt Cobain couldn't take her music anymore and took the easy way out. I would eat a shotgun too if I had to listen any Hole songs. Hole? Oh, I get it, it has something to do with your vagina. Clever, get together with Green Day and write a completely shitty song that would instantly kill a human. I would rather listen to rap music made after 2000 then listen to this crap. Trust me, that's saying a lot.

1) Bush - Christ, where do I begin? From the shitty songs, song titles and lyrics to the awful fucking videos these guys just know how to make me wish my tinnitus was worse than it is. Their songs sound like emus being raped very slowly. I never jump at a radio station faster than I do when a Bush song comes on. Bush? Wow, really original. I'm sure it wasn't named after the presidents. I take it your girlfriends don't shave. The lead singer is the most talentless hack that ever crapped on a track. I actually thought their song Glysterine was called Listerine.

Dishonorable mentions: Motley Crue, Poison, pretty much every 80's hair band, White Stripes (probably should have been on this list), Coldplay, Goo Goo Dolls, U2 (after 1997), Phil Collins, Oasis, Lifehouse.

1 comment:

Michael Maier said...

Do NOT diss the hair bands or 80's metal.

That's so wrong it's not even funny.