Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Worst Characters On The Best Shows

Ever really like a show but there was always this one character that was horrifically annoying? So bad that every time he/she/it came on screen you wanted to chuck your empty whiskey bottle at the screen? I know I have. I know what I consider a good show and what everyone else considers good is probably light years apart but I'll do this bit anyways. Plus I've been pretty positive on my last couple of posts so it's time for me to be exactly what I was meant to be, a bitter ranting drunk.

The Show: The Simpsons
The Character: Lisa Simpson
Explanation: They seem to spend a lot more time on Lisa then they did in the past maybe because she's considered more liberal than anyone else on the show and the writers have gotten more liberal, or they just want to annoy the shit out of us. Who knows? But she certainly is the wet blanket that ruins more shows than helps. Whenever Homer decides to do something nuts like steal grease from the local school or participate in a gang bang on Ms. Krapobel with the rest of the boys at Moe's Lisa is always there wagging her finger like a bint and subjecting us with her "wisdom" of what is right and wrong. Don't get me started on her environmentalism and political bullshit that creeps into every episode.

The Show: Family Guy
The Character: Brian
Explanation: I have to say Brian (Snoopy with a drinking problem) certainly does have his moments, but that usually when he's baked and/or drunk. But he does the same thing as Lisa does from time to time, subject us with his political/environmental views. That gets old REEEAALLY quick. The one episode where he blows up Wal Mart with a tank was pretty fucking annoying on a couple of fronts 1) If you don't like Wal Mart don't go there 2) I thought violence solving things was wrong and 3) I bet that after blowing up the Wal Mart he and Stewie hopped on over to Starbucks for a triple fat creamy cum shot latte or whatever the fuck they serve there. So not all corporations are evil, just Wal Mart. Got it. Please just stick to Peter and Stewie.

The Show: Seinfeld
The Character: Jerry Seinfeld
Explanation: How can the character that the show is named after be the worst character? It can. Not only does Jerry come off as completely smug he also has this high pitched scream/yell thing that he does when he gets excited that sounds like a thirteen year old trying desperately to hit puberty. That and his stand up act which is pretty sub par, I'm sorry, a complete shit storm of bad jokes. His material would certainly fly at An Evening At The Improv (remember that show?) but whenever he tells a joke Corky from Life Goes On (had to stick him in here somewhere) would have a laughing fit where the rest of us would merley groan or wish we were dead. I used to think that the stand up jokes that started and ended his show was just a watered down thing for the show until I realized that WAS his stand up act. Christ, how in the hell did he not get hit with a beer bottle at a comedy club? He must have opened for Barbara Streisand or something. Also, it doesn't help that his supporting cast is a hell of a lot funnier and memorable than him.

The Show: Friends
The Character: The Entire Cast Of Friends
Explanation: I'm stretching things a bit by calling Friends a good show but I had to stick this in here somewhere. I was subjected to Friends by an old girlfriend of mine back in the day so I actually saw three full seasons of it and I came to one disturbing conclusion, everyone else besides the actual friends are a hell of a lot more funny than they are. From the creepy roommate that replaces Chandler at one point to the creepy guy that has a crush on Rachel to Phoebe's long lost brother who decides to dork someone three times his age to the hairy naked guy that NEVER APPEARS ON SCREEN. All of them, a lot more enjoyable than them. I thought they should have made a spinoff of the these characters than the very unfunny pud Joey.

The Show: Cheers
The Character: Diane
Explanation: Is there really one needed? I thought not. Thankfully Diane (actually Shelly Long) thought she had a future in films, oops. Though I did think that Troop Beverly Hills was a delightful romp.

The Show: Night Court
The Character: All the bailiffs before Roz and Dan Fielding in the first season.
Explanation: The bailiffs that preceded Roz were pretty fucking unfunny and annoying, fortunately for the show (unfortunately in real life) they both died of old age and emphysema before they could do any permanent damage. Dan Fielding in the first season was very uptight and straight laced. Thankfully someone wised up and rewrote his character as the perverted funny man that we all know and love.

The Show: Star Trek: The Next Generation
The Character: Captain Jean Luc Pecard
The Explanation: Spent more time negotiating peace than blowing shit up plus the fact that he didn't bed any women or green alien women. What the hell man?

The Show: Drew Carey Show
The Character: Mimi Bobeck
Explanation: Not only is she hideous to look at she dragged the show down with her constant bitch-fest with Drew. Her low brow bullshit got kind of old after awhile, especially when the jokes kept repeating themselves (Wow! Look at Mimi's hideous make up job for the zillionth time). She also took precious time away from Lewis and Oswald's shenanigans and ESPECIALLY from masturbatory aid Kate O'Brien.

The Show: The Smurfs
The Character: Baby Smurf
Explanation: Baby smurf just suddenly appeared out of nowhere without an explanation of how the hell it was born or if it was the product of a drunken grope-fest you knew that was going to happen involving the only female in the village, Smurfette. How would you like to be Smurfette on a Saturday night around closing time of the village tavern? I would be dead bolting my doors like you wouldn't believe. A bunch of sexually repressed drunk smurfs roaming around with their little blue members.....never mind. Anyways this was just a ploy to keep the ratings up, plus this happened around the time every cartoon turned into a baby show (baby muppets, baby scoobie doo, etc.). I can't believe I have an opinion about the Smurfs.

The Show: Facts Of Life
The Character: George Burnett
Explanation: Actually I just wanted to bash George Clooney, that's all. The guy's acting is no different from this show, to Roseanne to From Dusk Til' Dawn to Michael Clayton. No range whatsoever. He has about as much range as Corky from Life Goes On (I seriously need to abandon that joke).

The Show: Growing Pains
The Character: Luke Brower
Explanation: This show was just humming along just fine then BAM! Boner is gone then this little shit shows up. Actually I thought this was Leonardo DiCraprios best acting job, even better than the retard he played in What's Eating Gilbert Grape. But he seriously dragged this wholesome family fare right into the toilet. Uhh, I actually didn't like Growing Pains, I just watched it because I had a unhealthy crush on Joanna Kerns. I often fantasized about ways she would punish me for being bad....I'll just stop.

The Show: Married With Children
The Character: Steve Rhodes
Explanation: Contrary to popular belief Jefferson Darcy made Married With Children better. After life drainer and joke smuggler Steve Rhodes took off the show became better. Addition by subtraction I guess. Then Jefferson showed up and the show turned horrifically low brow, the way it was meant to be.

I'll probably revisit this topic at a later date, right now I'm seeing pink elephants..Tah!


Godfather Weilhammer said...

Hahahahahahaha....dammit, boy, you need to write a book. Corky, Jerry, Boner, hahahahahaha. I agree on so many of these, it's scary. Hahaha, awesome.

Prime Mover said...

Thanks! But it would be a horrific book full of grammatical and spelling errors and very drunk rants. My wife made me post that she does not agree with me on Pecard.

Godfather Weilhammer said...

Ol' Jean Luc, you know he was tappin' Tasha and Deanna, altho I think Data was experimenting with Tasha Yar as well. Your wife had a thing for know she did.