Sunday, July 27, 2008
He Sure Is Green....(sneezing sound) Bullshit!
Even after the green overhaul. Al Gore, our boy, continues to be a hypocrite. Read it here. Please don't give me that crap that his office is located in his home. I mean seriously, if you burn that much energy your office must be lit 24/7.
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Rush! Rush! Rush! Rush!
I have no idea if any of you bums made it out to a pretty fucking cool show but me and the Godfather ventured out to Deer Crack to see the best band ever blister through a 3 plus hour set. But if none of you dudes were cool enough to come out with me and Godfather then fear not, my drunken review will break it all down.
In The Beginning: Noticed a lot of young dudes with their dads. It made me feel really old that these kids weren't even a twinkle in their dad's eye when I first saw Rush live on June 12, 1990, Hampton Coliseum, Hampton, VA. Of course I was only 15 at the time but still, I felt really old. And it isn't because my balls are starting to hang down lower and I'm starting to look like a great dane walking away or the fact that I fall asleep while masturbating now and I only wake up when I fart. Too much? Anyways it was pretty cool to see. Not my balls but the young guys with their dads. That last sentence doesn't look good.
Introductory Video: Funny as hell.
The Fellas: Looking good and spry as ever and loose. Being their last show of the tour Geddy and the boys were a little more talkative and in a silly mood. The drunk chicken was a plus.
Best (New) Songs: Main Monkey Business is fast becoming my favorite instrumental (behind YYZ and close, and I mean close behind La Villa). Sounded great live, even the monkeys screwing in the background made me laugh. Larger Bowl - Thanks to the concert I cozied up to this song a little more. John-O would have appreciated the bleeding heart liberal images during the song. The McKenzie brothers introducing the song was a major plus. Too bad Count Floyd was busy. Far Cry was great live I have to say. Spindrift, not bad, good song live. The Way The Wing Blows? Meh, still not big on this song. The Trees (not new I know) love Geddy's "improv" with the South Park/Family Guy/Simpson sound bites. Speaking of which......
South Park Intro to Tom Sawyer: Fucking hilarious.
The Old Reliables: Freewill, Limelight, Spirit of Radio, 2112 (with Temple of Syrinx!!!!!), Dreamline, Natural Science, Mission, The Analog Kid, Subdivisions. All sounded awesome.
A Little Surprising: Nothing older than 2112. So nothing from the first 3 albums. I was hoping for Fly By Night or at the very least By Tor and the Snow Dog.
Surprise Song: Ghost Of A Chance. This came out of left field. I honestly don't remember if they ever played this during their Roll The Bones tour. I'm thinking no.
Drum Solo: Unbelievable as usual. I take back my top ten list Neil Peart is the best rock drummer of all time. Here's why, John Bohnman, Keith Moon, all great drummers but they both only had 11 years and 13 years respectively on their resumes. Even before they died (may they rest in peace) their drumming quality dropped dramatically. Neil has been doing this for over 33 years now, still playing the same songs with the same intensity with absolutely no drop off anywhere. He even came back strong after his personal tragedy!!! Fuck it, he's the best. Plus he played for almost 3 hours at the age of 55!!!!!!! Chew on the Rolling Stone and The Rock and Roll Hall Of Fame you fucking aging hippie douchebags.
Fuck Ups: One. Alex decided to go faster when the rest of the band went slower. Alex immediatley starting laughing, Geddy fired a troll at him. Everyone laughed.
Encore: Sublime. The uhhh, air drumming chorus line complete with the drunk chicken in the middle was interesting. But who doesn't love a drunk dude in a chicken suit?Almost outdoes the fat dude with a cigar in a bunny suit coming on stage to give Alex a cocktail. Wait, was Tom Sawyer during the encore? Fuck it wasn't. Anyways the boys came out with YYZ, 2112 and I can't remember the last song, but it was a great encore.
Overall Concert: Great as usual. Will probably never beat the concert I saw back in July of 2004 where I had front row center seats but this was awesome. Thank you Rush for being around to show up these young punk assholes who are in touch with their feelings and singing horrifically wussy, shitty songs. Please come back with a new album, I beg you.
How Drunk Was I: Well, thanks to the Godfather I had a fun ride home. Not blaming him for anything he did offer for me to stay at his place and I didn't exactly push away any Jager bombs but the ride home was great. All windows down, stereo pumping, cruise control on, diet coke flowing and I had to take a wizz so bad it would have drowned a horse. Great times, took me back to 1999. My wife was not really amused though. Ehh, it was worth it.
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Best Movies That I Could Only Watch Once
There are movies out there that are so good, so powerful and so fucking depressing that you can only view it once. If you view more than that your either into self abuse or you really like watching depressing movies. If you've seen these movies more than once.....seek help.
Schindler's List (1993)
Why It's So Good: A powerful drama chronicling the plight of the Jews during the second world war where a womenizing, inept business man saves the lives of thousands of Jews. Liam Neeson and Ralph Fiennes (robbed by the academy) do great acting jobs. Hell, I was even able to put up with Ben Kingsley's for the entire thing.
Why You Can Only Watch It Once: Well, between the numerous executions and the horrendous living environment and the war torn scenery, oh and the one kid that decided he would rather jump to the bottom floor of an outhouse rather than go anywhere near a Nazi makes it pretty gosh darn depressing. Then there is the Kristal Nacht scene.
Gallipoli (1981)
Why It's So Good: Shows the brutality that was WWI. Chronicles the Battle of Sulva Bay between August 1915 and January 1916. Not trying to make light of the current Iraq War but the death toll is now at 4100 dead American soldiers since 2002. The Battle of Sulva bay cost the allies 250,000 in less than 6 months, chew on that for a while. The movie was very well acted and shows a young pre crazy Mel Gibson. Though overly simplistic (and inaccurate) in showing the British as uncaring assholes it was still well made.
Why You Can Only Wiew It Once: The brutal violence. When charging the Turks roughly zero Australians and New Zealanders make it anywhere near their lines, cut down my machine gun fire as soon as they come up from their trenches. Knowing that everyone that charges is not coming back makes viewing the movie excrutiating.
Leaving Las Vegas (1995)
Why It's So Good: It's not really all that good. Playing a drunk guy is about as challenging as beating up your grandma in an MMA match so I have no idea why the academy thought Nicholas Cage deserved to win. Plus shouldn't you be less symphthetic to a dumb ass who decides to drink himself to death? I did enjoy Cage dancing in the grocery store with a shitload of liqour in his shopping cart.
Why You Can Only View It Once: Three words: anal rape scene. Nothing like getting beaten up then analy raped by a bunch of asshole frat guys, getting shit from the cabby on the ride home, doing the penquin walk all the way to your apartment where you're thrown out by your land lady. Then the kicker, crying naked in the shower with a trail of blood coming from your tuckus. That five minute span of the movie was seared into my head. And I didn't even touch the drunken, depressing Cage scenes. After viewing this movie I went looking for a bar to drink heavily to forget I saw it. Didn't work, I still remember the damn thing.
Dead Poets Society (1989)
Why It's So Good: Shows a pre horrifically annoying family friendly Robin Williams in a movie about teenagers coming to grips with.....something.
Why You Can Only View It Once: The ending. Nothing like a good suicide scene to brighten up your day. "Hey dad, I really like acting, I really feel like myself." "Forget it, no son of mine is going to be a faggot actor." "Fine I'll go commit suicide now." "OHHHH NOOOO, MY SON!!! WHY??! I'm going to blame Mrs. Doubtfire for this!!!" Then the whole "Captain, my Captain" standing on chairs thing at the end, could only get through that thing once.
Saving Private Ryan (1998)
Why It's So Good: Shows the brutality of WWII in such detail that war veterans actually got shell shock sitting in the theater. The Normady beach landing will probably go down as the best war scene of all time narrowly beating out the castle storming scene in Army Of Darkness. So unbelievably real and well acted that it deserved best picture, oh right, Shakespeare in Love got that. What a bunch of shit. Even though it looked like it only took a couple of minutes to reach the beachheads at Normady in actuality it took nearly 9 hours, countless lives and shitloads more brutal than portrayed. So Speilburg actually "lightened up" on the brutality.
Why You Can Only View It Once: The beach scene alone was hard enough to get through with arms and legs and torsos flying all over the place. Mix in a bunch of screaming and Vin Diesel and you got yourself hard film to watch. Not to mention the end where almost everyone dies saving Bawston Matt only for him to go home and be the drunk asshole at Fenway Park screaming "wicked" and "Nomaaar".
Black Hawk Down (2001)
Why It's So Good: Same as Saving Private Ryan, brutal, honest, well acted.
Why You Can Only View It Once: Two soldiers sacrifice their lives to save a fellow downed helicopter pilot with no hope of reinforcements. They get killed holding off an ambush, get stripped and their bodies are drug through the streets. This is like one of the many brutal scenes in the movie. It just kept coming for two hours. Also funny to see anti American activities and America sticking their heads in another countries' business during the Clinton administration, I thought that started when Bush came into office. Weird.
Schindler's List (1993)
Why It's So Good: A powerful drama chronicling the plight of the Jews during the second world war where a womenizing, inept business man saves the lives of thousands of Jews. Liam Neeson and Ralph Fiennes (robbed by the academy) do great acting jobs. Hell, I was even able to put up with Ben Kingsley's for the entire thing.
Why You Can Only Watch It Once: Well, between the numerous executions and the horrendous living environment and the war torn scenery, oh and the one kid that decided he would rather jump to the bottom floor of an outhouse rather than go anywhere near a Nazi makes it pretty gosh darn depressing. Then there is the Kristal Nacht scene.
Gallipoli (1981)
Why It's So Good: Shows the brutality that was WWI. Chronicles the Battle of Sulva Bay between August 1915 and January 1916. Not trying to make light of the current Iraq War but the death toll is now at 4100 dead American soldiers since 2002. The Battle of Sulva bay cost the allies 250,000 in less than 6 months, chew on that for a while. The movie was very well acted and shows a young pre crazy Mel Gibson. Though overly simplistic (and inaccurate) in showing the British as uncaring assholes it was still well made.
Why You Can Only Wiew It Once: The brutal violence. When charging the Turks roughly zero Australians and New Zealanders make it anywhere near their lines, cut down my machine gun fire as soon as they come up from their trenches. Knowing that everyone that charges is not coming back makes viewing the movie excrutiating.
Leaving Las Vegas (1995)
Why It's So Good: It's not really all that good. Playing a drunk guy is about as challenging as beating up your grandma in an MMA match so I have no idea why the academy thought Nicholas Cage deserved to win. Plus shouldn't you be less symphthetic to a dumb ass who decides to drink himself to death? I did enjoy Cage dancing in the grocery store with a shitload of liqour in his shopping cart.
Why You Can Only View It Once: Three words: anal rape scene. Nothing like getting beaten up then analy raped by a bunch of asshole frat guys, getting shit from the cabby on the ride home, doing the penquin walk all the way to your apartment where you're thrown out by your land lady. Then the kicker, crying naked in the shower with a trail of blood coming from your tuckus. That five minute span of the movie was seared into my head. And I didn't even touch the drunken, depressing Cage scenes. After viewing this movie I went looking for a bar to drink heavily to forget I saw it. Didn't work, I still remember the damn thing.
Dead Poets Society (1989)
Why It's So Good: Shows a pre horrifically annoying family friendly Robin Williams in a movie about teenagers coming to grips with.....something.
Why You Can Only View It Once: The ending. Nothing like a good suicide scene to brighten up your day. "Hey dad, I really like acting, I really feel like myself." "Forget it, no son of mine is going to be a faggot actor." "Fine I'll go commit suicide now." "OHHHH NOOOO, MY SON!!! WHY??! I'm going to blame Mrs. Doubtfire for this!!!" Then the whole "Captain, my Captain" standing on chairs thing at the end, could only get through that thing once.
Saving Private Ryan (1998)
Why It's So Good: Shows the brutality of WWII in such detail that war veterans actually got shell shock sitting in the theater. The Normady beach landing will probably go down as the best war scene of all time narrowly beating out the castle storming scene in Army Of Darkness. So unbelievably real and well acted that it deserved best picture, oh right, Shakespeare in Love got that. What a bunch of shit. Even though it looked like it only took a couple of minutes to reach the beachheads at Normady in actuality it took nearly 9 hours, countless lives and shitloads more brutal than portrayed. So Speilburg actually "lightened up" on the brutality.
Why You Can Only View It Once: The beach scene alone was hard enough to get through with arms and legs and torsos flying all over the place. Mix in a bunch of screaming and Vin Diesel and you got yourself hard film to watch. Not to mention the end where almost everyone dies saving Bawston Matt only for him to go home and be the drunk asshole at Fenway Park screaming "wicked" and "Nomaaar".
Black Hawk Down (2001)
Why It's So Good: Same as Saving Private Ryan, brutal, honest, well acted.
Why You Can Only View It Once: Two soldiers sacrifice their lives to save a fellow downed helicopter pilot with no hope of reinforcements. They get killed holding off an ambush, get stripped and their bodies are drug through the streets. This is like one of the many brutal scenes in the movie. It just kept coming for two hours. Also funny to see anti American activities and America sticking their heads in another countries' business during the Clinton administration, I thought that started when Bush came into office. Weird.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
"Today's Tom Sawyer...Hey Get The Fuck Out Of Here!"
Rush was on The Colbert Report last night, if you don't know the show it's where a liberal douchebag acts like a conservative douchebag but ends up still being a liberal douchebag. Colbert's lame ass act aside the interview was kind of weird because Alex hardly says a word and Neil never shuts up his lyric hole, well, because he gets asked the most questions. This was a shock to me because I've only read Neil interviews, I've barely ever heard the man speak. Dude's got a deep voice. The band plays Tom Sawyer for the rowdy liberal crowd ages 18 - 25 (probably future conservatives once they enter the work force). Everything is going great until freaky ear McGee decides to jump in right before the last drum breakdown to announce the song is over then quickly jumps out when he realizes that it isn't. Then they go to commercial before the song is over!! That's right my friends, I experienced nerd blue balls, the entire thing is ruined. Fucking Colbert.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Wha Wha Wha Whaaaaaaaa!?!?!!?!?
Supposedly Rush will be performing Tom Sawyer on the Colbert Report this Wednesday. More details here. I seriously don't like the Colbert Report since it's pretty much a one joke show pandering to those ages 18 to 24. Makes me wonder if anyone in the audience will even know who Rush is. But I'll be recording this since I'll probably be at work.
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Top Ten Bassists Of All Time
Even though I don't play bass and have never attempted to I knows what I like dammit. These are the best that I've heard in my lifetime. As with all top ten lists, this is just my opinion, there are probably bassists out there I've never heard of that are kick ass.
10) Jack Bruce - Cream, Solo - I'm a huge Cream fan and I always thought that Bruce was one of the best that complemented Eric Clapton well.
9) John Taylor - Duran Duran - Very underrated bassist. The dude from Live (can't remember his name) once stated that he hated Rush and would just noodle to Duran Duran all day.
8) John Myung - Dream Theater - Felt obligated to put him on this list. Though he sounds "robotic" at times he is still one hell of a talent.
7) Scott Shiflett - Face To Face - Kind of a stretch to put him on this list but he's damn good. Got to see them live in Chicago back in '01 and was thouroghly impressed. But don't take my word for it, go buy Face To Face's self titled album.
6) Matt Freeman - Rancid, Operation Ivy - This guy has some serious chops as seen here. Was happy to see these guys live a few years back, old punkers never die.
5) Muzz Skillings - Living Colour - Complete sentimental favorite of mine. Was kicked out of the band after Times Up. No idea why. But he was replaced by another awesome bassist in Doug Wimbish.
4) John Paul Jones - Led Zeppelin - Overshadowed by the others in the group but was (well, is) a great talent. I would give my left nut to see them live, even with Jason Bohnam on drums. His bass line in Immigrant Song is fucking fantastic.
3) Geddy Lee - Rush - Yeah, I know, blah, blah blah Rush is great, blah blah.
2) Tony Levin - Peter Gabriel, King Crimson - Just a freak of nature on the bass. The reason why I love Peter Gabriel so much and he single handedly saved Pink Floyd's Momentary Lapse of Reason. Got to see him with Peter Gabriel on the WOMAD tour back in '93.
1) John Entwisle - The Who - Undisputed best bassist in rock. Was actually kind of bummed when he passed. When I first heard him as a kid I really wanted to play bass, then I heard his counterpart Keith Moon and changed my mind. Still just an unbelievable talent. My mom (who listens to nothing but classical) even thought he was great, that's saying something, believe me.
Honorable Mentions
Flea - Red Hot Chili Peppers - Should be on this list but I find RHCP kind of arrogant and annoying, how many farking songs can you write about California?
Mike Rutherford - Genesis
Tina Weymouth - Talking Heads
Stefan Olsdal - Placebo
Jimbo Wallace - Reverend Horton Heat
Ben Shepard - Soundgarden
Sting - The Police - He actually is pretty good
Justin Chancellor - Tool
Chris Square - Yes - Another one that should be on the list, but oh well.
10) Jack Bruce - Cream, Solo - I'm a huge Cream fan and I always thought that Bruce was one of the best that complemented Eric Clapton well.
9) John Taylor - Duran Duran - Very underrated bassist. The dude from Live (can't remember his name) once stated that he hated Rush and would just noodle to Duran Duran all day.
8) John Myung - Dream Theater - Felt obligated to put him on this list. Though he sounds "robotic" at times he is still one hell of a talent.
7) Scott Shiflett - Face To Face - Kind of a stretch to put him on this list but he's damn good. Got to see them live in Chicago back in '01 and was thouroghly impressed. But don't take my word for it, go buy Face To Face's self titled album.
6) Matt Freeman - Rancid, Operation Ivy - This guy has some serious chops as seen here. Was happy to see these guys live a few years back, old punkers never die.
5) Muzz Skillings - Living Colour - Complete sentimental favorite of mine. Was kicked out of the band after Times Up. No idea why. But he was replaced by another awesome bassist in Doug Wimbish.
4) John Paul Jones - Led Zeppelin - Overshadowed by the others in the group but was (well, is) a great talent. I would give my left nut to see them live, even with Jason Bohnam on drums. His bass line in Immigrant Song is fucking fantastic.
3) Geddy Lee - Rush - Yeah, I know, blah, blah blah Rush is great, blah blah.
2) Tony Levin - Peter Gabriel, King Crimson - Just a freak of nature on the bass. The reason why I love Peter Gabriel so much and he single handedly saved Pink Floyd's Momentary Lapse of Reason. Got to see him with Peter Gabriel on the WOMAD tour back in '93.
1) John Entwisle - The Who - Undisputed best bassist in rock. Was actually kind of bummed when he passed. When I first heard him as a kid I really wanted to play bass, then I heard his counterpart Keith Moon and changed my mind. Still just an unbelievable talent. My mom (who listens to nothing but classical) even thought he was great, that's saying something, believe me.
Honorable Mentions
Flea - Red Hot Chili Peppers - Should be on this list but I find RHCP kind of arrogant and annoying, how many farking songs can you write about California?
Mike Rutherford - Genesis
Tina Weymouth - Talking Heads
Stefan Olsdal - Placebo
Jimbo Wallace - Reverend Horton Heat
Ben Shepard - Soundgarden
Sting - The Police - He actually is pretty good
Justin Chancellor - Tool
Chris Square - Yes - Another one that should be on the list, but oh well.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
They Had It, Then Lost It
Cracked.com ran an interesting little story labeled "Sick Boy Syndrome, Top 5 Comedians That Had It, Then Lost It." Sick boy is the dude from Trainspotting who tells the hero of the story of Sean Connery, had it, but lost it and only got the oscar for The Untouchables because the Academy felt like they had to give him something. Well the comedians they claimed that lost it were: Jim Carrey, Mike Myers, Eddy Murphy, Robin Williams and Steve Martin. I agreed with them all except Mike Myers, I don't think he neccesarily lost it, I just think he ran out of original jokes midway through Wayne's World II. Even Austin Powers had a ton of jokes lifted directly from Wayne's World. I actually like Mike Myers but were all going to have to get used to the fact that his last funny moment was his reaction to Kanye West's rant about Bush. Anyways, I thought I would continue the list of those who had it, but lost it.
Ed Norton
In The Beginning: Primal Fear, American History X, People Vs. Larry Flynt, Rounders
Peaked: Fight Club
The First Indication Something Was Wrong: Keeping The Faith
The Demise: Everything since. I know people like Hulk but fuck me, he's basically Tyler Durden again, but instead of turning into Brad Pitt smoking, beating the shit out of people and banging everything that moves he turns into the exact same thing Eric Bana turned into in 2003. All of his political and environmental hypocricy aside he really hasn't starred in a good movie since Fight Club, I even thought The Illusionist was a complete bore.
John Cusack
In The Beginning: Better Off Dead, Tapeheads, One Crazy Summer, Eight Men Out, The Grifters
Peaked: Somewhere between Gross Point Blank and High Fidelity
The First Indication Something Was Wrong: Identity
The Demise: The Iraq War. Hey, if you don't like the war and really hate Bush be my guest, it's definatley your right to say so but at least make some decent fucking movies. Grace Is Gone? War, Inc.? Crap. His overly simplistic view of the U.S. profiteering off war was kind of funny because technically he's making money off the war with his movies with the Iraq War as a backdrop. Unless he's giving the profits to charity. I didn't think so. Even his non protest movies suck; The Ice Harvest, American Sweethearts, Serendipity, Must Love Dogs. Jesus, just complete sell out shit movies.
Adrien Brody
In The Beginning: Basically hit and miss movies throughout his career such as Bread and Roses, Harrison's Flowers and Thin Red Line (Hey, I liked it).
Peaked: The Pianist
The First Indication Something Was Wrong: Dummy. The Pianist was so good and so gut wretching that I could only see it once, like Schindler's List. It was one of the few nominations that I actually agreed with the Academy. Then Adrien went the way of Cuba Gooding, Jr. and hasn't starred in a good role since. I have yet to see the Darjeeling Limited but I've heard it was pretty disapointing. Well, for some fucking reason I liked The Life Aqautic with Steve Zassou.....
Brad Pitt
In The Beginning: Seven, Legends Of The Fall (yes, I liked it, sue me), Interview With A Vampire, Twelve Monkeys, Fight Club, Snatch
Peaked: Ocean's Eleven
The First Indication Something Was Wrong: The Mexican. Really this isn't Brad's fault, he's more TMZ now than an actor. So when I saw Assissination of Jesse James (pretty boring by the way, and fucking looong. I didn't finish it) all I could think of was Bradgelina, or Angiebrad or whatever the fuck they call themselves. But really his film qualities have dipped since Ocean's Eleven.
Kevin Spacey
In The Beginning: Henry and June, Glengarry Glen Ross (GO TO FUCKING LUNCH YOU FUCK!!!), Usual Suspects, Seven, The Ref, Doomsday Gun, The Big Kahuna, L.A. Confidential, Midnight In The Garden Of Good And Evil
Peaked: American Beauty
The First Indication Something Was Wrong: K-PAX. Unfortunately Kevin Spacey is clearly in his check cashing mailing it in phase along with with the likes of Al Pacino and DeNiro.
Actors who have been pretty steady their entire career: Morgan Freeman, Harrison Ford (well, kinda), Sam Rockwell, Tony Shaloub, Stanley Tucci, Helena Bohnam Carter, Ewan McGregor (though he has starred in complete shitballs), Christian Bale, John Malkovich, Liam Neeson, Ralph Fiennes and others I can't think of.
Ed Norton
In The Beginning: Primal Fear, American History X, People Vs. Larry Flynt, Rounders
Peaked: Fight Club
The First Indication Something Was Wrong: Keeping The Faith
The Demise: Everything since. I know people like Hulk but fuck me, he's basically Tyler Durden again, but instead of turning into Brad Pitt smoking, beating the shit out of people and banging everything that moves he turns into the exact same thing Eric Bana turned into in 2003. All of his political and environmental hypocricy aside he really hasn't starred in a good movie since Fight Club, I even thought The Illusionist was a complete bore.
John Cusack
In The Beginning: Better Off Dead, Tapeheads, One Crazy Summer, Eight Men Out, The Grifters
Peaked: Somewhere between Gross Point Blank and High Fidelity
The First Indication Something Was Wrong: Identity
The Demise: The Iraq War. Hey, if you don't like the war and really hate Bush be my guest, it's definatley your right to say so but at least make some decent fucking movies. Grace Is Gone? War, Inc.? Crap. His overly simplistic view of the U.S. profiteering off war was kind of funny because technically he's making money off the war with his movies with the Iraq War as a backdrop. Unless he's giving the profits to charity. I didn't think so. Even his non protest movies suck; The Ice Harvest, American Sweethearts, Serendipity, Must Love Dogs. Jesus, just complete sell out shit movies.
Adrien Brody
In The Beginning: Basically hit and miss movies throughout his career such as Bread and Roses, Harrison's Flowers and Thin Red Line (Hey, I liked it).
Peaked: The Pianist
The First Indication Something Was Wrong: Dummy. The Pianist was so good and so gut wretching that I could only see it once, like Schindler's List. It was one of the few nominations that I actually agreed with the Academy. Then Adrien went the way of Cuba Gooding, Jr. and hasn't starred in a good role since. I have yet to see the Darjeeling Limited but I've heard it was pretty disapointing. Well, for some fucking reason I liked The Life Aqautic with Steve Zassou.....
Brad Pitt
In The Beginning: Seven, Legends Of The Fall (yes, I liked it, sue me), Interview With A Vampire, Twelve Monkeys, Fight Club, Snatch
Peaked: Ocean's Eleven
The First Indication Something Was Wrong: The Mexican. Really this isn't Brad's fault, he's more TMZ now than an actor. So when I saw Assissination of Jesse James (pretty boring by the way, and fucking looong. I didn't finish it) all I could think of was Bradgelina, or Angiebrad or whatever the fuck they call themselves. But really his film qualities have dipped since Ocean's Eleven.
Kevin Spacey
In The Beginning: Henry and June, Glengarry Glen Ross (GO TO FUCKING LUNCH YOU FUCK!!!), Usual Suspects, Seven, The Ref, Doomsday Gun, The Big Kahuna, L.A. Confidential, Midnight In The Garden Of Good And Evil
Peaked: American Beauty
The First Indication Something Was Wrong: K-PAX. Unfortunately Kevin Spacey is clearly in his check cashing mailing it in phase along with with the likes of Al Pacino and DeNiro.
Actors who have been pretty steady their entire career: Morgan Freeman, Harrison Ford (well, kinda), Sam Rockwell, Tony Shaloub, Stanley Tucci, Helena Bohnam Carter, Ewan McGregor (though he has starred in complete shitballs), Christian Bale, John Malkovich, Liam Neeson, Ralph Fiennes and others I can't think of.
Thursday, July 3, 2008
This Is My Last Role? 'Scuse Me While I Go Die Now
I know all actors would like to go out on top, to be remembered in a way that is dignified and glorious. Heath Ledger's last role was Joker in the Dark Knight, which I hear is receiving serious raves. Sometimes though actors are not as lucky as 'ol Heath. Sometimes an actors last role is the equivalent of the death scene of Elvis; face down, pants down, bloated and fat with the last contribution for the world floating in the john. Yes I ripped off Denis Leary, he ripped off Bill Hicks, were all even. Anyways, here are some actors whose last role I would deem a total shitball.
The Actor: Raul Julia
Best Known For: Kiss of the Spider Women, Moon Over Parador, Addams Family, Presumed Innocent, Tequila Sunrise
Last Movie Role: Street Fighter
Analysis: I loved Raul Julia, I was kind of bummed to hear he passed on, but not as bummed to learn that his last role was Street Fighter, exhibits 1 and 1A of why video games should not be turned into movies. A total shitfest of bad acting, bad action and homeroticism that rivaled Top Gun. To make matters worse his last role was opposite of Jean Claude Van Damme, who's fall from grace was so bad that he actually got a boner on live TV not to long ago. Raul deserved better. Jean Claude deserves a severe beating.
The Actor: Chris Farley
Best Known For: Tommyboy, Coneheads, Airheads, Billy Madison, actually his movies kind of sucked after Tommyboy, but I'll continue.
Last Movie Role: Almost Heroes
Analysis: This movie was so bad I think I shit myself, literally shit on myself. Even though Black Sheep blew and Beverly Hills Ninja was a cornucopia of crap Almost Heroes was just pain inducing bad. I have a feeling that if Farely continued to live he probably would have made a movie so awful that anyone that viewed it would have looked like that kid from The Ring.
The Actor: John Belushi
Best Known For: Animal House, Continental Divide (which I thought sucked but..), 1941, Blues Brothers
Last Movie Role: Neighbors
Analysis: About this time Belushi's drug habit was pretty fucking intense, so much so that the director of this film had no clue whether or not Belushi would even show up sometimes. Though the movie wasn't as bad as Almost Heroes it sure was light years away from Blues Brothers. Like Farely, Belushi died of a drug overdose at the age of 33. Farely, I guess, was following in John's footsteps by starring in shitty movies before 8 balling out.
The Actor: John Candy
Best Known For: Uncle Buck, Planes Trains and Automobiles, Spaceballs, The Great Outdoors, Cool Runnings, Stripes
Last Movie Role: Wagons East
Analysis: Wagons East was so bad that he actually died on the set suffering the indignity of being packed in a piano crate to be shipped back to Canada in order to escape from the film. Even more hardcore than chewing off your own arm when it's trapped in a bear trap. And that's not the worst of it, the movie was dedicated to him, kind of like Denny's dedicating a toilet seat to me. Of course Candy's last released movie was Canadian Bacon, a movie written and directed by Michael Moore, which would have killed me dead.
The Actress: Natalie Wood
Best Known For: West Side Story and other classic movies that I never bothered to see.
Last Movie Role: Brainstorm
Analysis: While I enjoyed Brainstorm a lot of critics did not. Even though Natalie Wood and Louise Fletcher were nominated for their roles it was the Saturn awards, a Sci Fi thing, not exactly the Academy Awards. It also flopped at the box office. Many of the scenes were filmed with stand ins for the remainder of the shoot due to a drunk Natalie Wood betting Robert Wagner that she could swim. I'm going to hell for that last sentence.
The Actor: Peter Sellers
Best Known For: Pink Panther movies, Casino Royale, Being There, The Ladykillers, other classics
Last Movie Role: Trail of the Pink Panther
Analysis: I'm stretching this a bit because he never actually "starred" in the movie because he died of a heart attack before shooting, but it didn't stop Blake Edwards from making the movie scrapping together scant new and old footage of Sellers. The movie is basically a reporter (Jonna Lumley - Ab Fab fame) trying to track down Inspector Clouseau, our favorite bumbling detective. The movie was so shitty that Sellers died again after viewing it.
The Actor: Bela Lagosi
Best Known For: Dracula and other classic movies
Last Movie Role: Plan 9 From Outer Space
Analysis: His last starring role was in a movie that is basically regarded as the worst movie ever made, even more so than Crash, and that's saying a lot. You just can't top that.
The Director: Stanley Kubrick
Best Known For: A Clockwork Orange, 2001, Full Metal Jacket, The Shining, Spartacus, Paths Of Glory
Last Directing Gig: Eyes Wide Shut
Analysis: I know John-O really likes this movie so I'll be gentle. This movie was a big piece of shit. Bad acting, script and a soundtrack that sounded like it was written by a five year old. That and the last lines of the movie was so fucking awful. "What do we do now?" asked Tom Cruise. "Fuck" responded Nicole Kidman in a role that she acted so wooden that if you told me a robot was a stand in I would believe you. Nicole Kidman was even nude for the movie and I still thought it sucked. I'm pretty convinced that Kubrick died for this movie. If he actually lived I'm betting heavily that this movie would have been panned heavily and would probably been nominated for a couple of Rassies. Sorry John-O, I wasn't gentle, your welcome to fillet any movie that I like.
The Actor: Raul Julia
Best Known For: Kiss of the Spider Women, Moon Over Parador, Addams Family, Presumed Innocent, Tequila Sunrise
Last Movie Role: Street Fighter
Analysis: I loved Raul Julia, I was kind of bummed to hear he passed on, but not as bummed to learn that his last role was Street Fighter, exhibits 1 and 1A of why video games should not be turned into movies. A total shitfest of bad acting, bad action and homeroticism that rivaled Top Gun. To make matters worse his last role was opposite of Jean Claude Van Damme, who's fall from grace was so bad that he actually got a boner on live TV not to long ago. Raul deserved better. Jean Claude deserves a severe beating.
The Actor: Chris Farley
Best Known For: Tommyboy, Coneheads, Airheads, Billy Madison, actually his movies kind of sucked after Tommyboy, but I'll continue.
Last Movie Role: Almost Heroes
Analysis: This movie was so bad I think I shit myself, literally shit on myself. Even though Black Sheep blew and Beverly Hills Ninja was a cornucopia of crap Almost Heroes was just pain inducing bad. I have a feeling that if Farely continued to live he probably would have made a movie so awful that anyone that viewed it would have looked like that kid from The Ring.
The Actor: John Belushi
Best Known For: Animal House, Continental Divide (which I thought sucked but..), 1941, Blues Brothers
Last Movie Role: Neighbors
Analysis: About this time Belushi's drug habit was pretty fucking intense, so much so that the director of this film had no clue whether or not Belushi would even show up sometimes. Though the movie wasn't as bad as Almost Heroes it sure was light years away from Blues Brothers. Like Farely, Belushi died of a drug overdose at the age of 33. Farely, I guess, was following in John's footsteps by starring in shitty movies before 8 balling out.
The Actor: John Candy
Best Known For: Uncle Buck, Planes Trains and Automobiles, Spaceballs, The Great Outdoors, Cool Runnings, Stripes
Last Movie Role: Wagons East
Analysis: Wagons East was so bad that he actually died on the set suffering the indignity of being packed in a piano crate to be shipped back to Canada in order to escape from the film. Even more hardcore than chewing off your own arm when it's trapped in a bear trap. And that's not the worst of it, the movie was dedicated to him, kind of like Denny's dedicating a toilet seat to me. Of course Candy's last released movie was Canadian Bacon, a movie written and directed by Michael Moore, which would have killed me dead.
The Actress: Natalie Wood
Best Known For: West Side Story and other classic movies that I never bothered to see.
Last Movie Role: Brainstorm
Analysis: While I enjoyed Brainstorm a lot of critics did not. Even though Natalie Wood and Louise Fletcher were nominated for their roles it was the Saturn awards, a Sci Fi thing, not exactly the Academy Awards. It also flopped at the box office. Many of the scenes were filmed with stand ins for the remainder of the shoot due to a drunk Natalie Wood betting Robert Wagner that she could swim. I'm going to hell for that last sentence.
The Actor: Peter Sellers
Best Known For: Pink Panther movies, Casino Royale, Being There, The Ladykillers, other classics
Last Movie Role: Trail of the Pink Panther
Analysis: I'm stretching this a bit because he never actually "starred" in the movie because he died of a heart attack before shooting, but it didn't stop Blake Edwards from making the movie scrapping together scant new and old footage of Sellers. The movie is basically a reporter (Jonna Lumley - Ab Fab fame) trying to track down Inspector Clouseau, our favorite bumbling detective. The movie was so shitty that Sellers died again after viewing it.
The Actor: Bela Lagosi
Best Known For: Dracula and other classic movies
Last Movie Role: Plan 9 From Outer Space
Analysis: His last starring role was in a movie that is basically regarded as the worst movie ever made, even more so than Crash, and that's saying a lot. You just can't top that.
The Director: Stanley Kubrick
Best Known For: A Clockwork Orange, 2001, Full Metal Jacket, The Shining, Spartacus, Paths Of Glory
Last Directing Gig: Eyes Wide Shut
Analysis: I know John-O really likes this movie so I'll be gentle. This movie was a big piece of shit. Bad acting, script and a soundtrack that sounded like it was written by a five year old. That and the last lines of the movie was so fucking awful. "What do we do now?" asked Tom Cruise. "Fuck" responded Nicole Kidman in a role that she acted so wooden that if you told me a robot was a stand in I would believe you. Nicole Kidman was even nude for the movie and I still thought it sucked. I'm pretty convinced that Kubrick died for this movie. If he actually lived I'm betting heavily that this movie would have been panned heavily and would probably been nominated for a couple of Rassies. Sorry John-O, I wasn't gentle, your welcome to fillet any movie that I like.
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