The New Hampshire Primaries - Report From A Drunk Undecided Voter

Or, Another honky keeps a black man down.

The Democrats

Hillary decides to turn on the water works to sway voters with her emotions. However, Hillary hasn't cried in years due to the hardened shell she has developed being married to chubby chaser Bill, this proved tough for Hillary. In order to get her to cry her campaign staff kicked her in the nuts repeatedly, if finally worked and she pulled out the win.

Obama was reported in saying "goddamn fer schnizzel" when learning of the results. While exiting New Hampshire he turned, raised his fist in the air and said "this ain't over beeatch." For the sake of this country, we hope not. Oprah is already planning an emergency meeting where she will give Obama some strategies and a book to read from her club.

John Edwards was reportedly shooing away staffers while he kept combing his hair, looking in the mirror and giving little kisses to himself while saying "I'd fuck me." If he doesn't win in his own backyard (South Carolina, where the flags are plentiful and the doctors are scared) he might as well go back home and count his money. When asked if his wife's cancer was a distraction during this campaign he was reported saying, "My wife has cancer?!" That was a cheap shot, I'm sorry.

The Republicans

John McCain - Came in first for the Republicans, or according to the media, a distant third overall. Was shocked to hear about the late surge and was reported in saying, "What the fuck am I doing in New Hampshire?! Who the fuck are you?!" We won?! What did we win?" Of course all this will be for naught if he can't perform in Michigan, much like the Detroit Lions.

Huckabee - Came in third and was reported in saying "Jesus doesn't like New Hampshire anyways."

Romney - Came in second, good for him, who gives a shit?

Guiliani - Came in fourth in his own backyard. Apparently reminding people of 9/11 over and over again doesn't help. At some point the American voters want some sort of plan, like any plan.

If you scroll down all the way to the bottom of this sorry excuse of a blog you will see who I will be supporting for President and V.P.