Wednesday, January 2, 2008

A Drunken Guide to the 2008 Presidential Elections

If your like me politics makes me itch, every time I vote I feel like I'm in some way contributing to putting some rich, deviant, soul-less jackass into the most powerful position in the free world. Let it be known that I've voted for both Clinton and Bush, so yes I have. In 2004 I was in a quandary, I really didn't feel like voting for Bush, but I REALLY didn't like John Kerry, the Democrats version of Bush. So I basically flipped a coin and voted Bush. I felt dirty. Well, 2008 won't be much better.

The State Of Politics In The U.S.
This country couldn't be more divided than it is right now. The Democrats and Republicans (and especially the voters) are so polarized that whenever the conversation of the war on terror, the war in Iraq, gay marriage, or global warming comes up the conversation usually ends in gun play. It's kind of like a weird version of Star Wars where each side thinks they are Luke and they are the chosen one that needs to slay the Emperor. This polarization came about because of two people, Gore and Bush. Ever since the controversial 2000 elections (and dumb ass blogs like mine were invented) democrat and republican voters turned from happy go lucky to saying things like "I fucking hate insert Republican or Democrat here and I would move away to insert country here if he/she were ever elected" while middle of the road voters like me are left in the middle thinking, what the fuck has happened to this country? It's that bad folks.

But fret not, I will give my drunken and very simplistic descriptions of each candidate in each party, and maybe a third party to help you decide the fate of this fine country.

The Republicans

Overly simplistic view of the voters: Thinks that Muslim werewolves will come into every ones home and rip off every ones nipples if a Democrat is in office. Has a huge truck with a American flag stenciled on the window, gun rack optional. Environment, we don't need no stinking environment. Thinks that all Americans have the right to worship Jesus Christ in their own way. Thinks all illegal immigrants will eventually come in and take all jobs away from decent hard working Americans descended from other illegal immigrants. Regularly waves the American flag and shouts "U.S.A! U.S.A!" at any and all events, even when they take a dump. Think that all babies should be saved because all life is precious but wouldn't bat an eye and flip the switch to any and all know criminals in the world. Thinks Fox News is the ONLY news channel (which, ironically according to a article listed to the right is fair and balanced. Just read the article).

The Candidates

The Candidate: Fred Thompson
Description: Part basset hound part "that guy" from Law and Order
What He Stands For In A Nutshell: Government, hands off! Now all eyes on my wife!
Chances of Winning: 4 to 1
How He'll Blow It: Dying of old age, have you seen him lately?
How He Could Win It: Have you seen his wife? That would be a damn fine looking broad to stare at for the next 4 years. Plus his experience, he seemed to know his job really well in Law and Order.

The Candidate: Rudy Guiliani
Description: 9/11
What He Stands For In A Nutshell: 9/11
Chances of Winning: 9 to 11% chance
How He'll Blow it: 9/11
How He Could Win It: 9/11

The Candidate: Mike Huckabee
Description: Former Governor of Ar Kansas, kind of looks like that dude from Mad TV. You know? Stewie?
What He Stands For In A Nutshell: God and Jesus and maybe some government.
Chances of Winning: 100 Billion to 1.
How He'll Blow It: Will condemn all gays and lesbians to hell for their dirty sinful acts then get caught at a gay porno theater watching Shaving Ryan's Privates.
How He Could Win It: God somehow wipes out all liberals and non baptists in this country.

The Candidate: John McCain
Description: Vietnam war vet, former POW, hopefully didn't have to hide a gold watch up his tuckus like Walken in Pulp Fiction
What He Stands For In A Nutshell: Good jobs at good wages. Hopes that one day he can comb his own hair (ouch! Cheap shot)
Chances of Winning: Slim to none and none just left town, or was it slim? Who knows actually.
How He'll Blow It: Senility will probably kick in at some point.
How He Could Win It: By getting more votes than the other guy......or girl.

The Candidate: Ron Paul
Description: U.S. Rep from Texas that has a stunning likeness to the dad from Alf.
What He Stands For In A Nutshell: The constitution, no tax increases, a prostitute in every home (I made up the last one).
Chances of Winning: 20 to 1.
How He'll Blow It: Has the distinction of being one of the few Republicans to oppose the Iraq War. Republicans don't like that.
How He Could Win: By knocking out all other presidential hopefuls out of the ring in a battle royale Ala wrestlemania.

The Candidate: Mitt Romney
Description: Mormon....with great hair.
What He Stands For In A Nutshell: Things, and more things.
Chances of Winning: Pretty good, actually, all of his wives thinks so anyways. Oh wait, he's against polygamy. At least he says so.
How He'll Blow It: By spending too much time looking in the mirror to know there is an election going on.
How He Could Win It: By getting a lot of money.

The Democrats

Overly simplistic view of the voters: Thinks everyone has the right to speak their mind but would have no problems chaining you to the back of their Toyota Prius and dragging you through red square, I mean time square if they don't agree with you. Thinks the world will end by global warming caused by SUVs driven by Republicans but have no problems with Democrats taking private jets everywhere. Has no idea what a Islamic fascist is and will stuff his/her fingers in their ears when you explain. Thinks anyone who displays the American flag is a hick that can't read. Usually chants clever slogans like: "No blood for oil" "Bush lied, people died" "Don't taze me bro!" and "Fuck you!" Thinks Bush is a dictator but for some reason loves guys like Chavez and Castro who are dictators and have killed and silenced known dissenters.

The Candidates

The Candidate: Hillary Clinton
Description: Robotic kankle machine.
What He, I mean, She Stands For In A Nutshell: Whatever the polls say.
Chances Of Her Winning: 2 to 1
How She Could Blow It: By not having a penis between her legs. Plus, people will be reminded of Bill's last 4 years in office.
How She Could Win It: By not having a penis between her legs.

The Candidate: Borack Obama
Description: Billy Dee Williams meets uptight white guy.
What He Stands For In A Nutshell: Everything and anything that will get him elected.
Chances of Him Winning: Even money.
How He Could Blow It: Well, he's black, and his dad was a Muslim. In the end I'm not sure how America will accept that.
How He Could Win It: One word....Oprah.

The Candidate: Dennis Kucinich
Description: Hippie vegan
What He Stands For In A Nutshell: All basic and deserving rights and access to all medical, dental, mental health care and all the free drugs you can get your mitts on. With no extra cost. By the way, taxes will go up 500% after 2008.
Chances of Him Winning: Snowballs chance in hell.
How He Could Blow It: When people realize that with him in office America will potentially be without a military, drugged up, eating vegan, overrun with immigrants and cows and could have our first canine as vice president and ruled by Muslim werewolves, they'll probably change their minds.
How He Could Win It: By choosing that little dog from Frasier as his running mate. How cool would that be?

The Candidate: John Edwards
Description: Multi Multi Millionaire who likes poor people, but would never let them get anywhere near him.
What He Stands For In A Nutshell: Great hair and a great smile.
Chances of Him Winning: Well, in 2004 he and Kerry couldn't take down dummy and the heart attack kid, which is basically like losing a basketball game to a blind, unconscious amputee. So not good.
How He Could Blow It: See above statement.
How He Could Win It: If he somehow finds the technology to wipe out our memories of 2004.

The Candidate: Bill Richardson
Description: A cleaned up and sober Graham Green.
What He Stands For In A Nutshell: Airing Dances With Wolves 24 hours a day 7 days a week.
Chances of Him Winning: I actually never heard of him until 3 months ago.
How He Could Blow It: Starring in Dances With Wolves 2.
How He Could Win It: Starring in Thunderheart 2.

The Independents (Green Party, Libertarians, Socialist Party)

Overly simplistic view of the voters: Just unbelievably pissed at democrats and republicans, I feel for them, I just wish there were better candidates.

The Candidate: Cynthia McKinney
Description: Pissed off black chick from Georgia.
What She Stands For In A Nutshell: Running down any honkie that tries to get in her way.
Chances of Her Winning: About as much chance as I have bedding Dolly Parton in the next 24 hours.
How She Could Blow it: She has, over and over again.
How She Could Win It: By running down every single honkie in the U.S.

The Candidate: Kat Swift
Description: Pissed off white chick from Texas.
What She Stands For: I'm afraid to find out.
Chances of Her Winning: About as much chance as I have bedding Dolly Parton in the next couple of hours.
How She Could Blow It: I just realized that that last sentence is a reference to oral sex. Tee hee.
How She Could Win It: By running over every single male and people that are skeptics of global warming in the U.S.

The Alternatives To The Alternatives

Surprise Candidate for the Republicans: Curt Schilling
Potential Running Mate: Chuck Norris
How That Could Pan Out: It won't
Could It Work?: The world would get really sick of Schilling's rants and opinions within 2 seconds. Plus his stance of the Red Sox/Patriots/Bruins/Celtics winning it all every year legislation would get old really fast.

Surprise Democrat Candidate: Jon Stewart
Potential Running Mate: Stephen Colbert
How That Could Pan Out: It might.
Could It Work Out?: Well, the first time Stewart starts ranting and screaming at someone about ruining something could very well end it for this duo, and blaming the writers for his foreign policy probably won't cut it. Plus Colbert's smug attitude and fucked up ear could be off putting.

There you go, hope this will help you out in the upcoming elections. matter who for, or how dirty you feel afterwards.


John-O said...

When I got to all those 9/11's, I laughed so hard there were tears in my eyes.

Prime Mover said...

Thanks...It just seemed natural for Guiliani. Right now he and Obama are the only 2 candidates I actually kind of respect, which means neither of them will be nominated from their parties.

John-O said...

I'd like to like Rudy, especially since he's actually a closet liberal - but there are too many shades of Nixon there. He and Hillary both represent the kind of political machine that I think would do more bad than good. Plus, those stories about how he "made" Kerik are just fucking creepy.

I like Obama, too - and don't be too sure that he won't win the nomination. An eight point win in Iowa portends big things for him.