Hey douchebags. If you're like me you love the environment. As a matter of fact I make love to the earth on a daily basis, the chaffing is aweful and I have to take a shower afterwards, but it's all about saving the world, isn't it? But here's some tips to enjoy Earth Day.
1) Drink diet coke after diet coke (or whatever tasty beverage you prefer) and throw the can in the recycle bin. Make sure to fill the thing because in the end you'll have more to recycle.
2) Get in your car and drive around the country and enjoy the scenery. Make sure to stick your head out the window and take in the flavor. Ahhhhhhh. Didn't get your fill? That's alright go to the nearest gas station for some petrol and keep driving.
3) Enjoy a cigarrette outdoors. Not only are you helping out our tobacco industry your also enjoying a tasty cancer stick around your buddies outdoors. Try not to stare at your friend's neck which looks like a catchers mit.
4) Plant a tree. Trees are great for the environment as a matter of fact it releases a lot of CO2 into the environment at night to.....wait, I thought that excessive amounts of CO2 was the reason we are in this mess. Take that back, cut down a tree because trees make produce a lot of O2 so we can breath.....wait. Hang on a sec....Ok plant a tree then cut down a tree. That should even things out!
5) Give money to the cause. Give money to global warm...sorry...climate change groups because we need massive amounts of money to combat global warming or cooling, or whatever funky thing the earth is doing at the time to fit our agenda. How exactly do we combat climate change? Nobody is sure but at least someone is making a butt load of money.
6) Go get a Prius. I'm talking to you the person that owns a gas guzzler. How dare you have kids and choose to get a car with more room in order to fit said kids in car seats that leave no room for anybody else. Don't you know you're destroying the environment? Get a Prius, you can stuff Junior and the rest of your clan in the back and still have room for one bag of groceries. Just ignore the fact that by ditching your old car your still contributing roughly 27,000 tons of waste and those huge fucking batteries don't exactly grow on trees, total oversight by mother nature I guess. Still, your helping save mother earth.
7) Go enjoy a movie because movie stars care about the environment. Get in your car, drive to a theater and enjoy the nice cool air conditioning of said movie theater while enjoying a flick made by a self proclaimed environmental actor or actress. They love the environment just like you. Just ignore the fact that they use private jets, own huuuge houses around the globe and make use of nice air conditioned sets and trailers. When they say they are for the environment by golly they mean it.
8) Read this article and decide which house you would like. Remember get house #1, because house #2 is owned by a dirty Republican.
There you go. I hope these tips will enable you to enjoy Earth Day as much as I will.