Tiger Woods

Since the only golfer ever mentioned on ESPN is Tiger Woods I might as well throw a couple of suggestions to the PGA regarding their most popular player.

1) Every tournament shall now be named The Tiger Woods Classic.
2) If Tiger fails to make a cut, the tournament is cancelled.
3) If Tiger fails to win the tournament there will be a do over.
4) If Tiger fails to win the do over the tournament is cancelled.
5) The Golf Channel will now be named the The Tiger Channel.
6) Every golfer going against Tiger Woods will be renamed The Washington Generals.
7) Every golfer going against Tiger Woods will not be worthy.
8) Jack Nicholson shall be shot since there is no other golfer greater than Tiger Woods.
9) Since Sam Sneed is dead he will not be shot, he will just never be mentioned again and records of him existing will be erased. If he is mentioned as one of the greatest golfers ever next to Tiger the person that mention that shall be shot.
10) The sport of Golf will be renamed the sport of Tiger.

Seriously , golf is not a sport. No endurance needed, no strength is really needed, no speed, no conditioning, no running. And that big huge golf bag? Oh, someone else carries that for you. Oh, and that guy carrying those golf bags? He can give a ton of advice for what seems like a half hour before you take the shot. How in the hell is this considered a sport? Me masturbating burns more calories than playing golf. Sorry for that visual.

The Song I Like And The Things That Ruined Them For Me

When you first hear a song that you love you would like to love it for the rest of your life. But there are some things that ruin the magic and you end up not listening to the song ever again due to adverse circumstances. Here are just a few.

The Song: Under The Bridge - Red Hot Chili-Peppers
Who Ruined It: Radio
Explanation: If there was ever a law passed with songs that should never be played again due to over play this would be first in line. This song was great when first released, then radio got ahold of it and went on to play it every hour on the hour. It got old within 3 weeks. Then it became annoying. Then there was the video with a half naked Anthony Kiedes running towards me in a weird, homoerotic fashion.

The Song: Jeremy - Pearl Jam
Who Ruined It: MTV/VH1
Explanation: In the summer of '92 Pearl Jam released the only album I liked from them. Though the rest of the album wasn't too badly overplayed (though Even Flow was close) there wasn't a time where you couldn't tune into MTV and not see Eddie Vedder's scarecrow face belting out "HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE! (sound of man taking dump, could be Vedder still singing)." Then see a half naked boy blow himself away in front of scared mannequins. Every.....hour.....this.....song....was....on. I was done with it by fall. Then the rest of the album by 1995.

The Song: In Your Eyes - Peter Gabriel
Who Ruined It: Steven (Godfather) Weilhammer
Explanation: Back when we had livers made of steel Steve and I would get a little abbreviated down at the 'ol watering hole named The Casba. The Casba was owned by a Jordidian and a Syrian that called me and Mike and everyone else in our entourage Steve in an accent that could get them ducked taped to a C-130 and transported down to Guantanemo Bay. Whenever this song came on it was pretty much at the point where Steve was feeling pretty lubed up and feeling creative. Without getting into the lyrics he sang that's just say the words: p*ssy, thighs, creamy, open, up, spread and butt cheeks were the predominant words. I can never listen to it again.

The Song: Every Single Motown Song - Every Single Motown Band
Who Ruined It: Hollywood
Explanation: In 1983, against the wishes of good taste, Hollywood unleashed The Big Chill to unsuspecting audiences everywhere. In this movie we see a bunch of drunk yuppies putting away dishes singing and dancing in unison to a motown hit, I forget which one, they destroyed like five of them in this movie. Then hollywood followed that with many more movies with many more yuppies dancing in unison to motown songs destroying virtually every single motown song I liked. Why they use motown is beyond me, maybe because of the fact that many of these movies feature very liberal white people but have absolutely NO black people anywhere in any of them. So they make themselves feel better by featuring motown artist in their movies. Kind of like, "hey, I'm down with blacks, I like their music, I support their plight, but I would never let any of them in my movies or live anywhere near me, but it's cool because I'm liberal and I say I like black people."

The Song: Just What I Needed - The Cars
Who Ruined It: Circuit City
Explanation: Really none is needed, Circuit City took a song from my childhood and has incorporated it into their sales pitch. So instead of me enjoying a song and remembering the good old days I now want to buy a Plasma TV.

The Song: Who Are You, Happy Jack, I Can See For Miles, Magic Bus - The Who
Who Ruined It: TV shows and commercials, but I'll blame Pete Townshend
Explanation: The Who was pretty much the last group I would think that would allow their songs to be licensed out to commercials and TV shows but I was wrong. Ol' Pete Townshend needs the money folks, probably to pay for future legal costs for his crippling child porn addiction.

The Song: Layla - Eric Clapton
Who Ruined It: Goodfellas - Martin Scorsesee
Explanation: I was actually sick of this song before Scorsesee decided to use it in Goodfellas, but now when I hear the song I think of a frozen Carbone hanging off a meat hook.

The Song: Stuck In The Middle With You - Stealer's Wheel
Who Ruined It: Reservoir Dogs - Quentin Tarrantino
Explanation: None needed. My ear still hurts when I hear that song.

The Song: Ring Of Fire - Johnny Cash
Who Ruined It: My wife
Explanation: To quote my wife: "This song would be great for a hemmoroid commercial." So much for that. Thankfully the Wall Of Voodoo version isn't ruined for me.

The Song: What I Got - Sublime
Who Ruined It: A party I attended during mortuary school
Explanation: During mortuary school there was an impromptu party that happened in the house I was staying with music, booze and broads. Well, during this party my roommates decided to break out the fatty boom baddy, pot. I never tried it before but I did get high off second hand smoke during my trips to MSA watching whatever concert was there. Well, trying not to be square I decided, what the hell? It did nothing for me but the rest of my roommates and guests were giggling like mad and talking like Dennis Hopper, then my roommate broke out his guitar and starting singing What I Got, badly, but not bad for being completely high. But he sang it over and over again. Then grabbed my CD and played that song. Then he threw up. He was supposed to be the first to go out to get whoever died that night, well, he was too baked. Guess who was second? That's right, me. Well, lets just say the high hit me really late and I ended up going into town to pick up a poor dead soul. The rest of the story is waaaaay to long to post. Maybe I'll post it later.

The Song: All Mixed Up - 311
Who Ruined It: Greg Cochran
Explanation: I do like 311, I don't know why. All Mixed Up WAS one of my favorite songs. When I was listening to it at IU in the spring of '97 Greg (roommate) came by and quipped: "That sounds like Snow." Shit, thanks Greg now I think of the song Informer while remembering my high school friend blasting it on his stereo while crammed in the back seat of his dying Mustang.

The Song: Jeff Buckley - Last Goodbye
Who Ruined It: A tough break up
Explanation: Never listen to this song after breaking up with someone, it's pretty soul crushing. I did. While every once in a blue moon I'll spin this CD I'll be forever scarred.

The Song: Kashmir - Led Zeppelin
Who Ruined It: It should be P. Diddy or Pee D. or Puff Douch or whatever the fuck he's called but the real blame goes to Jimmy Page.
Explanation: Godzilla, that piece of shit movie from 1998 had a song and video that came with it, Kashmir by Puff Daddy featuring a very fat Jimmy Page desperately trying to remember how to play guitar. The song was basically Jimmy Page playing guitar with an orchestra in the back while P. Shitty was "rapping": "uh-huh, huh huh, uh huh, yeah, baby! Yeah, Godzilla, uh huh, yeah, huh, baby!" over what sounds like Kashmir. Ruined, completely ruined for me.

That's all I can think of. I would put Sting in there somewhere but I kind of got sick of his music before he started selling out.

I Might As Well Call This A Half Assed Rush Tribute Page

I ran into this website during my usual drunken, porn downloading Friday nights. This chronicles (Ha! Get it?) Rush oddities through the years. One of my favorite sections are the screw ups caught on tape during concerts. I actually got to witness a complete screw up in Virginia where Neil's trigger for the end of his drum solo (where he has a horn section and people dancing behind him) did not come on. So it was him playing by himself while glaring at the sound guy. Alex didn't stop laughing until the next song began. There are some other cool things like remixes, odd Rush fans, recovered fade-outs and song played live before the song was even recorded. I spent like three hours on this website, which I guess is better than explaining my crippling porn addiction to my wife. She know, she just doesn't want to talk about it. Enjoy!

Calling All Rush Geeks! Calling All Rush Geeks!

Yesterday Rush announced new tour dates for their extended Snakes and Arrows tour, or as me and my wife call it "We Want To Retire Tour." Thankfully Indianapolis is on the list! The lads will be playing here on Wednesday June 25th at Verizon. I plan to be there with my throwback Signals shirt and will probably be breaking the bank (or hopefully get extremely lucky) and get seats as close to the band as possible. The last time I saw them in 2004 we managed to get front row seats, so close we could see Geddy's neck waddle. And since my lovely wife will be 8 months pregnant at the time we will be making up a shirt saying "Future Rush Fan" with an arrow pointing down. Any of you Rush geeks in?

Note on Snakes and Arrows the album: As usual the album has really grown on me. The songs I kind of liked or I thought were mediocre I really like now such as Armor and Sword, The Larger Bowl and Good News First. I still don't like Spindrift, Faithless or The Way The Wind Blows.

Another Note: They are supposedly going to be putting out a live DVD of the Snakes and Arrows tour. Shit, how much of my money do they want?

God I Hate Bill Simmons, Thankfully So Does Firejaymariotti.com and Roughly 90% of The Country

If your from Boston, or decided to become a bandwagon fan of Boston sports this year, I understand why you would like this guy, I really do. Jason, Mike and to some extent John I understand if you adore this guy's articles. I actually used to like him too, before Boston started winning everything. After that he became a raging asshole. With him being on ESPN.com the amount of Boston and ex-Boston sports writers is up to roughly 1,000, which makes this years Pats perfect season run seem all the more annoying, I mean your sister-in-law having bigger boobs than your wife annoying. Alright, that was bad. What makes Bill annoying is the fact that when Boston teams win not only does he prop up his team he kicks the other team team he hates (Colts, Yankees) when they are down. And when I mean kick, I mean shoot, piss on and light the body on fire down. The problem is you can't fire back because he, for some unknown (actually known) reason, he has left the little comment box in his articles out. How can this be? Even Jemile Hill, the worst writer in sports has that box. Anyways I read Bill's latest Boston is great the Colts suck article. I don't know why, this was probably the first article I've read from him in it's entirety since last year when he was soooo bitter that the Colts won the Super Bowl that I wouldn't have been surprised if his wife (you've heard about his wife haven't you? Did you know she was pregnant? Didn't you? Huh?) would have found him swinging on a shower curtain rod. Anyhoo, after reading this article I wish I had the time to break it all down and rant. Thankfully our boys from firejaymariotti.com did. God bless 'em. The link is below. Enjoy!

Lets Not Build This Up Too Much

Is It Time For Dungy.....To Go?

I only made it through 2 paragraphs of Bob Kravitz's latest mail it in editorial in the Indy Star. And when I say mail it in I'm being pretty generous. Bob just doesn't make safe, predictable, mail-it-in articles, he stuffs the column in the pocket of a retarded hobo and shoves him in the general direction of Pennsylvania Avenue. In the article he suggested that the Colts are like the Atlanta Braves, great in the regular season, unspeakably lousy in the post season. Plus they have both just one ring under their belt. I guess that's a fair comparison (even though Manning has a long way to go before retirement) but that doesn't take the sting out of Sundays lost to the back up of the back ups of the Chargers. A team headed by a Manuel Noriega look-a-like with pits the size of cats, an a-hole egomaniac quarterback who for the entire regular season couldn't hit the blind side of a fucking barn and an all star running back/spoiled brat who treats his quarterback like a hooker who has crabs. Yeah, it really sucked, and really stung, badly. I tried to drown my sorrows to forget that game but my sorrows, they learned to swim. I just can't believe we lost to the Chargers.

Someone also brought up that maybe it's time for Dungy to go. In all honesty the man is genuine, nice and coaches his players like men. But it's obvious that football is not his main priority, and that usually rears its ugly head when game planning and preparing for the tough as balls playoffs. It is well known that he is a Christian who would like to one day do missionary work. That's great, but he has a team, right now, with the talent and potential to win year after year, Super Bowls, not just regular season games. It is the coach, or the players? Would you rather have an unkempt asshole/genius coach that got caught cheating that has won 3 (soon to be 4) Super Bowls with fire and determination to fuck everyone up the pooper to go perfect? Or a nice, genuine coach with a heart of gold and who somehow manages to get outplayed and out game planned by inferior competition. I know they won a Super Bowl last year, but they had the chance to screw the Pats. I should let it go and hope Dungy comes back for more years but this years loss left a bad taste in my mouth, like stripper, bad beer and weed taste in my mouth. And it's not easy to get out.

Are You A Sci-fi Geek?

For you sci-fi buffs. Identify the sounds from popular (and some not so popular) sci-fi movies.

http://www.shegoddess.com/q/sf/

I was an 85 which they said I was a huge geek and that I am probably wearing my homemade Tron outfit right now. How did they know that?

Oh What To Make Of This.....

A poll on news media and believability.

http://www.reuters.com/article/pressRelease/idUS160770+08-Jan-2008+PRN20080108

I usually don't put much stock in polls, but for those who do....enjoy. I just found it interesting.

The New Hampshire Primaries - Report From A Drunk Undecided Voter

Or, Another honky keeps a black man down.

The Democrats

Hillary decides to turn on the water works to sway voters with her emotions. However, Hillary hasn't cried in years due to the hardened shell she has developed being married to chubby chaser Bill, this proved tough for Hillary. In order to get her to cry her campaign staff kicked her in the nuts repeatedly, if finally worked and she pulled out the win.

Obama was reported in saying "goddamn fer schnizzel" when learning of the results. While exiting New Hampshire he turned, raised his fist in the air and said "this ain't over beeatch." For the sake of this country, we hope not. Oprah is already planning an emergency meeting where she will give Obama some strategies and a book to read from her club.

John Edwards was reportedly shooing away staffers while he kept combing his hair, looking in the mirror and giving little kisses to himself while saying "I'd fuck me." If he doesn't win in his own backyard (South Carolina, where the flags are plentiful and the doctors are scared) he might as well go back home and count his money. When asked if his wife's cancer was a distraction during this campaign he was reported saying, "My wife has cancer?!" That was a cheap shot, I'm sorry.

The Republicans

John McCain - Came in first for the Republicans, or according to the media, a distant third overall. Was shocked to hear about the late surge and was reported in saying, "What the fuck am I doing in New Hampshire?! Who the fuck are you?!" We won?! What did we win?" Of course all this will be for naught if he can't perform in Michigan, much like the Detroit Lions.

Huckabee - Came in third and was reported in saying "Jesus doesn't like New Hampshire anyways."

Romney - Came in second, good for him, who gives a shit?

Guiliani - Came in fourth in his own backyard. Apparently reminding people of 9/11 over and over again doesn't help. At some point the American voters want some sort of plan, like any plan.

If you scroll down all the way to the bottom of this sorry excuse of a blog you will see who I will be supporting for President and V.P.

Bowl Season Round Up for the Big Ten

Being a Ohio State fan and a huge Big 10 (11) fan I thought I would round out the surprisingly exciting bowl season.

BCS Championship game - Or Ohio State gets their jocks handed to them again. I didn't see any of the game since I had to work but I'm glad I worked. Instead of losing by 37 like last year, they only lose by 14, but it wasn't even that close. I might be a OSU homer but OSU had no business being in the game. Lets see what was going against them, playing in a dome against a team not named Minnesota, the fact that they are 0-8 against the SEC and the fact that LSU was basically playing a home game, plus oh yeah, LSU is a good team. I don't buy into the whole "the Big 10 is slow, has no athletes and are weak" argument. Just look at this years draft, 11 Big 10 athletes picked in the first 2 rounds of the NFL draft. OSU came out gangbusters then lost their steam quickly. Too much emotion to quickly. Oh well, it will be a while before OSU sniffs a BCS championship game again, we'll always have 2003.

Indiana - Get their first bowl game in a long time and then...ouch. They basically got their jocks, nuts and shirts handed to them by Oklahoma State. Try again next year.

Michigan - Way to go, you out Florida Florida. Just shows how over rated Tim Tebow is. Lloyd Carr goes out on a high note.

Illinois - Did you really think you had a chance? Playing in your first BCS bowl game against another team with home field advantage. The reason OSU couldn't beat Illinois was because the OSU defense couldn't tackle Juice. USC didn't have that trouble. Illinois will bounce back, Zook is a good coach and recruiter.

Purdue - Wins a shootout against a shitty team they played before. Didn't expect them to win and they did. Joe Tiller is a fine coach going against OSU and Michigan recruits. If they let him go in the next couple of years they are nuts.

Michigan State - Did really well against a tough Boston College team. They probably got distracted by Boston College's accents and the way they say "wicked" every 5 seconds.

Penn State - Another year and another win for Jopa. His glassed might get thicker every year but the old man still has it. Beats out a Texas A&M team that was ready.

Wisconsin - Actually scared a good Tennessee team. If it wasn't for a late interception they might have won it.

Team that should have played LSU? Missouri, hands down. Man handled an Ar Kansas team that beat LSU.

I love the bowl season and it's done. Now we have to wait until August.

Top Ten Movies of All Time? How About Some Top Fives

Someone at work asked me what my favorite movie of all time is. I stopped and said Empire Strikes Back. It's always my go to movie, it's been my favorite for years, why not? Then I was trying to come up with a top ten list of all time and realized what a fucktastically impossible task it is, at least for me. My tastes have changed so much over the years. I had my liberal artsy-fartsy years, my binge-drinking-movie-seeing years and I also had my all U.S. movies suck so I'll stick to foreign movies years which I'm currently getting over right now. But I will probably go back to since the U.S. will only produce crap, remakes or movies with a number after its title. So why not break it down into categories? Inspired by High Fidelity, I will give my top fives of all time.

Foreign Division

5. No Mans Land
4. Run Lola Run
3. Kung Foo Hustle
2. The Chorus - The one and only French movie I've ever seen.
1. Das Boot

Sports Drama Division

5. Wind
4. Chariots of Fire
3. Shoalin Soccer - Same maker as Kung Fu Hustle
2. The Natural
1. Hoosiers

Dumb Comedy Division

5. SuperTroopers
4. Orgazmo
3. Airplane II
2. Tapeheads - Early Tim Robbins and John Cusack, before they developed soapboxes on their feet.
1. Naked Gun

"I Can Only Watch This While Drinking" Movies

5. BASEketball
4. From Dusk Till Dawn
3. Beerfest
2. Aqua Teen Hunger Force
1. Animal House

Classic Comedy Division

5. Young Frankenstein
4. Airplane
3. A Night At The Opera
2. Blazing Saddles
1. Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Best Cohen Brothers Movies Division
Our lord and saviors of film, the Cohens. Note: I have not seen No Country for Old Men yet.

5. The Big Lebowski
4. Barton Fink
3. Raising Arizona
2. Fargo
1. Millers Crossing

Animated Movies Division

5. Renaissance
4. Animatrix - Series of shorts revolving around the Matrix
3. Final Fantasy
2. Heavy Metal - Remember this movie?
1. South Park

War Movie Division

5. Full Metal Jacket
4. Patton
3. Black Hawk Down
2. Glory
1. Saving Private Ryan

Sci Fi Division - Expanded Since I'm a sci fi geek

10. A Scanner Darkley
9. The Matrix - "Whoa"
8. 2001: A Space Odyssey
7. Terminator
6. Aliens
5. Spaceballs - Ummm......err.....why not?
4. Alien
3. Star Wars Episode IV
2. Blade Runner
1. Empire Strikes Back or Star Wars Episode V

Movies That Double as Soft Core Gay Porn

5. Bound
4. Lord of the Rings - The Return of the King
3. Brokeback Mountain - Didn't like the movie all that much, but it fits here.
2. Heavenly Creatures
1. Top Gun

John Cusack Division
Again, before growing soap boxes on his feet and thinking he's some sort of political genius.

5. Eight Men Out
4. One Crazy Summer
3. Better Off Dead
2. High Fidelity
1. Gross Pointe Blank

Sports Comedy Division

5. Slap Shot
4. Mean Machine
3. Caddyshack
2. Bull Durham
1. Major League

Action Division

5. Sin City
4. Boondock Saints
3. Braveheart
2. The Wild Bunch
1. Fight Club

Best Adaptation From A Novel(s)

5. Fight Club
4. A Scanner Darkley
3. Lord of the Rings Series
2. Blade Runner (Book was titled "Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep")
1. Could quite possibly be No Country for Old Men, but since I haven't seen it...The Thing (Originally titled, "Who Goes There!")

Horror Division

5. Evil Dead II
4. Night of the Living Dead
3. Psycho
2. The Thing
1. Freaks - Only because of the last scene where all the freaks are coming after Venus - Just creepy.

British Division

5. Snatch
4. Shaun of the Dead
3. Layer Cake
2. Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels
1. Hot Fuzz

College Movies Division
Movies set in college.

5. Dead Poets Society
4. Back To School
3. Animal House
2. Rules of Attraction
1. Revenge Of The Nerds

Gangster Movies Division

5. Gangster No. 1
4. Donnie Brasco
3. Eastern Promises
2. Casino
1. Goodfellas

Drama Division

5. The Pianist
4. Pulp Fiction
3. American History X
2. Shawshank Redemption
1. The Usual Suspects

Stephen King Division

5. The Green Mile
4. Misery
3. Stand By Me
2. The Dead Zone
1. Shawshank Redemption

The Oscars Actually Got It Right! Division

5. Schindlers List
4. Chariots Of Fire
3. The French Connection
2. Patton
1. Amadeus

The Oscars Got it Wrong! Division

5. Forrest Gump
4. Gladiator
3. Million Dollar Baby
2. Crash
1. tie - Titanic/Shakespeare In Love

Best Remakes Division

5. Insomnia
4. The Ring
3. Reservoir Dogs
2. Solaris
1. The Italian Job

Note: Had no idea the Departed was a remake of a Japanese movie.

I could go on and on. But I need to get started preparing for the OSU/LSU game.

This Is Just Wrong...But So Damn Funny

100 worst pickup lines.

A Drunken Guide to the 2008 Presidential Elections

If your like me politics makes me itch, every time I vote I feel like I'm in some way contributing to putting some rich, deviant, soul-less jackass into the most powerful position in the free world. Let it be known that I've voted for both Clinton and Bush, so yes I have. In 2004 I was in a quandary, I really didn't feel like voting for Bush, but I REALLY didn't like John Kerry, the Democrats version of Bush. So I basically flipped a coin and voted Bush. I felt dirty. Well, 2008 won't be much better.

The State Of Politics In The U.S.
This country couldn't be more divided than it is right now. The Democrats and Republicans (and especially the voters) are so polarized that whenever the conversation of the war on terror, the war in Iraq, gay marriage, or global warming comes up the conversation usually ends in gun play. It's kind of like a weird version of Star Wars where each side thinks they are Luke and they are the chosen one that needs to slay the Emperor. This polarization came about because of two people, Gore and Bush. Ever since the controversial 2000 elections (and dumb ass blogs like mine were invented) democrat and republican voters turned from happy go lucky to saying things like "I fucking hate insert Republican or Democrat here and I would move away to insert country here if he/she were ever elected" while middle of the road voters like me are left in the middle thinking, what the fuck has happened to this country? It's that bad folks.

But fret not, I will give my drunken and very simplistic descriptions of each candidate in each party, and maybe a third party to help you decide the fate of this fine country.

The Republicans

Overly simplistic view of the voters: Thinks that Muslim werewolves will come into every ones home and rip off every ones nipples if a Democrat is in office. Has a huge truck with a American flag stenciled on the window, gun rack optional. Environment, we don't need no stinking environment. Thinks that all Americans have the right to worship Jesus Christ in their own way. Thinks all illegal immigrants will eventually come in and take all jobs away from decent hard working Americans descended from other illegal immigrants. Regularly waves the American flag and shouts "U.S.A! U.S.A!" at any and all events, even when they take a dump. Think that all babies should be saved because all life is precious but wouldn't bat an eye and flip the switch to any and all know criminals in the world. Thinks Fox News is the ONLY news channel (which, ironically according to a MSNBC.com article listed to the right is fair and balanced. Just read the article).

The Candidates

The Candidate: Fred Thompson
Description: Part basset hound part "that guy" from Law and Order
What He Stands For In A Nutshell: Government, hands off! Now all eyes on my wife!
Chances of Winning: 4 to 1
How He'll Blow It: Dying of old age, have you seen him lately?
How He Could Win It: Have you seen his wife? That would be a damn fine looking broad to stare at for the next 4 years. Plus his experience, he seemed to know his job really well in Law and Order.

The Candidate: Rudy Guiliani
Description: 9/11
What He Stands For In A Nutshell: 9/11
Chances of Winning: 9 to 11% chance
How He'll Blow it: 9/11
How He Could Win It: 9/11

The Candidate: Mike Huckabee
Description: Former Governor of Ar Kansas, kind of looks like that dude from Mad TV. You know? Stewie?
What He Stands For In A Nutshell: God and Jesus and maybe some government.
Chances of Winning: 100 Billion to 1.
How He'll Blow It: Will condemn all gays and lesbians to hell for their dirty sinful acts then get caught at a gay porno theater watching Shaving Ryan's Privates.
How He Could Win It: God somehow wipes out all liberals and non baptists in this country.

The Candidate: John McCain
Description: Vietnam war vet, former POW, hopefully didn't have to hide a gold watch up his tuckus like Walken in Pulp Fiction
What He Stands For In A Nutshell: Good jobs at good wages. Hopes that one day he can comb his own hair (ouch! Cheap shot)
Chances of Winning: Slim to none and none just left town, or was it slim? Who knows actually.
How He'll Blow It: Senility will probably kick in at some point.
How He Could Win It: By getting more votes than the other guy......or girl.

The Candidate: Ron Paul
Description: U.S. Rep from Texas that has a stunning likeness to the dad from Alf.
What He Stands For In A Nutshell: The constitution, no tax increases, a prostitute in every home (I made up the last one).
Chances of Winning: 20 to 1.
How He'll Blow It: Has the distinction of being one of the few Republicans to oppose the Iraq War. Republicans don't like that.
How He Could Win: By knocking out all other presidential hopefuls out of the ring in a battle royale Ala wrestlemania.

The Candidate: Mitt Romney
Description: Mormon....with great hair.
What He Stands For In A Nutshell: Things, and more things.
Chances of Winning: Pretty good, actually, all of his wives thinks so anyways. Oh wait, he's against polygamy. At least he says so.
How He'll Blow It: By spending too much time looking in the mirror to know there is an election going on.
How He Could Win It: By getting a lot of money.

The Democrats

Overly simplistic view of the voters: Thinks everyone has the right to speak their mind but would have no problems chaining you to the back of their Toyota Prius and dragging you through red square, I mean time square if they don't agree with you. Thinks the world will end by global warming caused by SUVs driven by Republicans but have no problems with Democrats taking private jets everywhere. Has no idea what a Islamic fascist is and will stuff his/her fingers in their ears when you explain. Thinks anyone who displays the American flag is a hick that can't read. Usually chants clever slogans like: "No blood for oil" "Bush lied, people died" "Don't taze me bro!" and "Fuck you!" Thinks Bush is a dictator but for some reason loves guys like Chavez and Castro who are dictators and have killed and silenced known dissenters.

The Candidates

The Candidate: Hillary Clinton
Description: Robotic kankle machine.
What He, I mean, She Stands For In A Nutshell: Whatever the polls say.
Chances Of Her Winning: 2 to 1
How She Could Blow It: By not having a penis between her legs. Plus, people will be reminded of Bill's last 4 years in office.
How She Could Win It: By not having a penis between her legs.

The Candidate: Borack Obama
Description: Billy Dee Williams meets uptight white guy.
What He Stands For In A Nutshell: Everything and anything that will get him elected.
Chances of Him Winning: Even money.
How He Could Blow It: Well, he's black, and his dad was a Muslim. In the end I'm not sure how America will accept that.
How He Could Win It: One word....Oprah.

The Candidate: Dennis Kucinich
Description: Hippie vegan
What He Stands For In A Nutshell: All basic and deserving rights and access to all medical, dental, mental health care and all the free drugs you can get your mitts on. With no extra cost. By the way, taxes will go up 500% after 2008.
Chances of Him Winning: Snowballs chance in hell.
How He Could Blow It: When people realize that with him in office America will potentially be without a military, drugged up, eating vegan, overrun with immigrants and cows and could have our first canine as vice president and ruled by Muslim werewolves, they'll probably change their minds.
How He Could Win It: By choosing that little dog from Frasier as his running mate. How cool would that be?

The Candidate: John Edwards
Description: Multi Multi Millionaire who likes poor people, but would never let them get anywhere near him.
What He Stands For In A Nutshell: Great hair and a great smile.
Chances of Him Winning: Well, in 2004 he and Kerry couldn't take down dummy and the heart attack kid, which is basically like losing a basketball game to a blind, unconscious amputee. So not good.
How He Could Blow It: See above statement.
How He Could Win It: If he somehow finds the technology to wipe out our memories of 2004.

The Candidate: Bill Richardson
Description: A cleaned up and sober Graham Green.
What He Stands For In A Nutshell: Airing Dances With Wolves 24 hours a day 7 days a week.
Chances of Him Winning: I actually never heard of him until 3 months ago.
How He Could Blow It: Starring in Dances With Wolves 2.
How He Could Win It: Starring in Thunderheart 2.

The Independents (Green Party, Libertarians, Socialist Party)

Overly simplistic view of the voters: Just unbelievably pissed at democrats and republicans, I feel for them, I just wish there were better candidates.

The Candidate: Cynthia McKinney
Description: Pissed off black chick from Georgia.
What She Stands For In A Nutshell: Running down any honkie that tries to get in her way.
Chances of Her Winning: About as much chance as I have bedding Dolly Parton in the next 24 hours.
How She Could Blow it: She has, over and over again.
How She Could Win It: By running down every single honkie in the U.S.

The Candidate: Kat Swift
Description: Pissed off white chick from Texas.
What She Stands For: I'm afraid to find out.
Chances of Her Winning: About as much chance as I have bedding Dolly Parton in the next couple of hours.
How She Could Blow It: I just realized that that last sentence is a reference to oral sex. Tee hee.
How She Could Win It: By running over every single male and people that are skeptics of global warming in the U.S.

The Alternatives To The Alternatives

Surprise Candidate for the Republicans: Curt Schilling
Potential Running Mate: Chuck Norris
How That Could Pan Out: It won't
Could It Work?: The world would get really sick of Schilling's rants and opinions within 2 seconds. Plus his stance of the Red Sox/Patriots/Bruins/Celtics winning it all every year legislation would get old really fast.

Surprise Democrat Candidate: Jon Stewart
Potential Running Mate: Stephen Colbert
How That Could Pan Out: It might.
Could It Work Out?: Well, the first time Stewart starts ranting and screaming at someone about ruining something could very well end it for this duo, and blaming the writers for his foreign policy probably won't cut it. Plus Colbert's smug attitude and fucked up ear could be off putting.

There you go, hope this will help you out in the upcoming elections. Remember....vote.....no matter who for, or how dirty you feel afterwards.