Harold and Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay
Starring: Some Indian Dude, Some Korean Dude, Some Gay Dude, Some Hot Chicks, Some Dumb White Dudes, Some Racist Hillbilly Dudes, Maybe some Cuban Dudes, and some lame ass writing.
Premise: After Harold and Kumar decide to stop touching pee pees they leave White Castle and decide on a impromptu trip to Europe, probably Amsterdam, in order to bake their brains while watching live sex shows. I'm guessing since one of the is brown and since they like pot so much the word bong was mistaken for bomb and they happen to be on the one flight that actually has an air marshal (some dumb white dude) and are apprehended. Since they are brown, well, one of them is light brown, they are considered terrorists and are sent to Guantanamo Bay. Fortunately for them Col. Jessep is nowhere to be seen and they somehow escape to the deep south. Oh boy, you know where they jokes are headed don't you? That's right they meet dumb hillbillies and the Ku Klux Klan. Wow, what writing skills these people have, I mean, poking fun at Republicans and white people, those jokes never get stale do they? Then they get baked again and have sex with hot chicks. Then they go to White Castle which, thankfully, don't have that many white people. The End.
Lesson Learned: White people suck and they have a funny way of driving, it's true, we are soooo lame! Also the war on errorism (get it? I said errorism and not terrorism) is best left for people who are not Republicans, Barak Obama save us from our guns and attachment to religion!!!! Also not all Muslims are terrorists but all white people are dumb or racist or both. They also have attachment to guns and aren't afraid to use them. I'm holding a shotgun and typing this at the same time so I guess it's true.
Ratings:
NUVO: The writing sucks but since it makes fun of white people and Republicans 5 out of 4 starts.
High Times: Instant classic man, 10 stars!! What were we talking about again?
Joe Shearer Indy Star: Sorry, I was too busy stuffing my face with popcorn, I'll just say 3 out of 4 stars.
Fox News: Since we are full of lame white people 2 out of 4. Wait, just to show you whippersnappers that we aren't square 2 1/2 out of 4.
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Happy Earth Day!
Hey douchebags. If you're like me you love the environment. As a matter of fact I make love to the earth on a daily basis, the chaffing is aweful and I have to take a shower afterwards, but it's all about saving the world, isn't it? But here's some tips to enjoy Earth Day.
1) Drink diet coke after diet coke (or whatever tasty beverage you prefer) and throw the can in the recycle bin. Make sure to fill the thing because in the end you'll have more to recycle.
2) Get in your car and drive around the country and enjoy the scenery. Make sure to stick your head out the window and take in the flavor. Ahhhhhhh. Didn't get your fill? That's alright go to the nearest gas station for some petrol and keep driving.
3) Enjoy a cigarrette outdoors. Not only are you helping out our tobacco industry your also enjoying a tasty cancer stick around your buddies outdoors. Try not to stare at your friend's neck which looks like a catchers mit.
4) Plant a tree. Trees are great for the environment as a matter of fact it releases a lot of CO2 into the environment at night to.....wait, I thought that excessive amounts of CO2 was the reason we are in this mess. Take that back, cut down a tree because trees make produce a lot of O2 so we can breath.....wait. Hang on a sec....Ok plant a tree then cut down a tree. That should even things out!
5) Give money to the cause. Give money to global warm...sorry...climate change groups because we need massive amounts of money to combat global warming or cooling, or whatever funky thing the earth is doing at the time to fit our agenda. How exactly do we combat climate change? Nobody is sure but at least someone is making a butt load of money.
6) Go get a Prius. I'm talking to you the person that owns a gas guzzler. How dare you have kids and choose to get a car with more room in order to fit said kids in car seats that leave no room for anybody else. Don't you know you're destroying the environment? Get a Prius, you can stuff Junior and the rest of your clan in the back and still have room for one bag of groceries. Just ignore the fact that by ditching your old car your still contributing roughly 27,000 tons of waste and those huge fucking batteries don't exactly grow on trees, total oversight by mother nature I guess. Still, your helping save mother earth.
7) Go enjoy a movie because movie stars care about the environment. Get in your car, drive to a theater and enjoy the nice cool air conditioning of said movie theater while enjoying a flick made by a self proclaimed environmental actor or actress. They love the environment just like you. Just ignore the fact that they use private jets, own huuuge houses around the globe and make use of nice air conditioned sets and trailers. When they say they are for the environment by golly they mean it.
8) Read this article and decide which house you would like. Remember get house #1, because house #2 is owned by a dirty Republican.
There you go. I hope these tips will enable you to enjoy Earth Day as much as I will.
1) Drink diet coke after diet coke (or whatever tasty beverage you prefer) and throw the can in the recycle bin. Make sure to fill the thing because in the end you'll have more to recycle.
2) Get in your car and drive around the country and enjoy the scenery. Make sure to stick your head out the window and take in the flavor. Ahhhhhhh. Didn't get your fill? That's alright go to the nearest gas station for some petrol and keep driving.
3) Enjoy a cigarrette outdoors. Not only are you helping out our tobacco industry your also enjoying a tasty cancer stick around your buddies outdoors. Try not to stare at your friend's neck which looks like a catchers mit.
4) Plant a tree. Trees are great for the environment as a matter of fact it releases a lot of CO2 into the environment at night to.....wait, I thought that excessive amounts of CO2 was the reason we are in this mess. Take that back, cut down a tree because trees make produce a lot of O2 so we can breath.....wait. Hang on a sec....Ok plant a tree then cut down a tree. That should even things out!
5) Give money to the cause. Give money to global warm...sorry...climate change groups because we need massive amounts of money to combat global warming or cooling, or whatever funky thing the earth is doing at the time to fit our agenda. How exactly do we combat climate change? Nobody is sure but at least someone is making a butt load of money.
6) Go get a Prius. I'm talking to you the person that owns a gas guzzler. How dare you have kids and choose to get a car with more room in order to fit said kids in car seats that leave no room for anybody else. Don't you know you're destroying the environment? Get a Prius, you can stuff Junior and the rest of your clan in the back and still have room for one bag of groceries. Just ignore the fact that by ditching your old car your still contributing roughly 27,000 tons of waste and those huge fucking batteries don't exactly grow on trees, total oversight by mother nature I guess. Still, your helping save mother earth.
7) Go enjoy a movie because movie stars care about the environment. Get in your car, drive to a theater and enjoy the nice cool air conditioning of said movie theater while enjoying a flick made by a self proclaimed environmental actor or actress. They love the environment just like you. Just ignore the fact that they use private jets, own huuuge houses around the globe and make use of nice air conditioned sets and trailers. When they say they are for the environment by golly they mean it.
8) Read this article and decide which house you would like. Remember get house #1, because house #2 is owned by a dirty Republican.
There you go. I hope these tips will enable you to enjoy Earth Day as much as I will.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Snakes And Arrows - Live And In My Pants, I Mean, Ipod!
Snakes and Arrows live was released yesterday on Itunes (and I guess at these places called wr--eck--ord stores?). I didn't bother buying the entire album because I really don't feel like a 7th live version of Freewill or YYZ. So I decided to cherry pick songs that I know they haven't performed live before, or haven't performed for a while anyways (Hold Your Fire). So I purchased the following songs: Digital Man, Mission, Entre Nous and Circumstances. I'll at least review these nuggets.
Digital Man - Not a bad version but kind of muddled and slow. I would rather have the studio version if it really came down to it. I've always been a huge fan of this song because this is the closest I've ever heard of Rush getting "funky". Plus, this is the only song I've ever heard them use elements of ska.
Mission - Pretty straight ahead and better than the Show Of Hands version, IMHO. They didn't really tinker with it too much. I was just glad as hell they decided to play it live. Now how about Time Stand Still?
Entre Nous - French for between your thighs or is it gay milkman? I don't know I didn't take French in high school. They have never performed this live....ever, so this was quite a treat. Again, I would rather listen to the original but it wasn't bad. I wasn't a big fan of the tweek they did at the end of the song.
Circumstances - Another song they have never performed live. It's ok, we'll leave it at that. I mean, they are pushing sixty, I should probably cut them some sort of slack.
Other Rush Tidbits
Rush promises to bring some surprises to the Snakes and Arrows shows. They also mention a new studio album after a while.
While going through the online shop at Rush.com I realized that they sell a lot of junk; dog tags, playing cards even a fucking thong. So I thought I would offer a few suggestions to the boys that could help them make some more dough.
1) Alex Lifeson blow up doll (circa 1985 Alex Lifeson) - you ladies like Alex? Who doesn't? Now you can have the ultimate fantasy with your favorite prog rock guitarist. Though this is not a popular as the Geddy Lee blow up doll which can satisfy two ladies at once (nose joke people).
2) Time Stand Still time machine (completion expected around 2900 A.D.) - Tired of feeling old and out of touch, no problem, just hop into the old Time Stand Still time machine to transport you back to the time when rock ruled and rap was nowhere to be seen.
3) The 2008 Red Barchetta - Specs follow the lyrics of this awesome Rush song. Though we have to be honest, it's just a 1980 Camero with a star man logo on the door, and the car needs some work, like, an engine.
4) Out Of The Cradle sipee cup - Now your little bundle of poo and enjoy his milk with style.
5) Rush condoms - Pregnancies usually happen after rock concerts when couples are completely smashed. Now you can prevent that unwanted pregnancy with the official Rush condom. When properly rolled on it stretches out to resemble the classic starman with his arms outstretched shielding himself from your partner (use our imagination). WARNING - may break and has been know to give some really narly rashes.
6) Emotion Detector - Is your love one completely pissed at you? Now you will know! With the official Rush Emotion Detector. No more wondering if you wife is pissed at you for staring at her sister in a lustful way.
7) Available Light night lite - Now you or your kids can feel safe with the warming glow of the official Rush Available Light night lite.
Anyhoo, can't wait to see them on June 25th.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Weekly Drunk Review 2 Electric Boogaloo
I continue to rip off John-O, but I like his idea, and since I'm a neaderthal Republican I'll bring hippie free news and rants.
So When Will London Be New Mecca?
Disturbing article out of London. Make sure to read the comments after the article, pretty interesting. It's just amazing, I truly think that the rest of the world is afraid of Islamic fascism so much that they now curtail their legal system around them. Imagine if you, as an American, broke a law in Iran do you think they would give a shit about your rights or put up money to let you stay there? I'm pretty sure the answer is no.
Big Corn errr Oil
Interesting little article about the oil companies and ethanol. I just don't think Ethanol is the answer to our eventual energy woes.
File this Under: Who Gives A Shit?
Sean and Jennay probably looked at each other and realized that they were pretty fucking nuts and no one else would put up with their bullshit.
Awesome Cracked Article
Just a fucking hilarious article. One thing that cracked me up was the Chloe Sevingy endorsement. How in the hell did she think that funneling Vincent Gallo's hog a good idea? Plus wouldn't you think that you would be fielding questions about that for the rest of your natural born life? I would ask questions like; how did it taste? Did it taste like you thought it would, artsy but with a funny taste, just like Gallo?
Is He Even A Citizen Of The U.S.?
Hey Elton John umm your country is being taken over by a religious sect that 1) Treats women like second class citizens and 2) Hangs homosexuals. Seriously, STFU, I would be more worried about your home countries than ours. Plus being homosexual doesn't that technically make you misogynostic? Plus Bill is on stage with you and he pretty much treats women like trash and humidors.
Last Nights South Park Episode
Just a great episode, not as good as Major Boobage but still great. I love how they ripped Bill Belicheck. "If you cheat and you win your savvy!" Plus the whole Stand and Deliver homage was great.
So When Will London Be New Mecca?
Disturbing article out of London. Make sure to read the comments after the article, pretty interesting. It's just amazing, I truly think that the rest of the world is afraid of Islamic fascism so much that they now curtail their legal system around them. Imagine if you, as an American, broke a law in Iran do you think they would give a shit about your rights or put up money to let you stay there? I'm pretty sure the answer is no.
Big Corn errr Oil
Interesting little article about the oil companies and ethanol. I just don't think Ethanol is the answer to our eventual energy woes.
File this Under: Who Gives A Shit?
Sean and Jennay probably looked at each other and realized that they were pretty fucking nuts and no one else would put up with their bullshit.
Awesome Cracked Article
Just a fucking hilarious article. One thing that cracked me up was the Chloe Sevingy endorsement. How in the hell did she think that funneling Vincent Gallo's hog a good idea? Plus wouldn't you think that you would be fielding questions about that for the rest of your natural born life? I would ask questions like; how did it taste? Did it taste like you thought it would, artsy but with a funny taste, just like Gallo?
Is He Even A Citizen Of The U.S.?
Hey Elton John umm your country is being taken over by a religious sect that 1) Treats women like second class citizens and 2) Hangs homosexuals. Seriously, STFU, I would be more worried about your home countries than ours. Plus being homosexual doesn't that technically make you misogynostic? Plus Bill is on stage with you and he pretty much treats women like trash and humidors.
Last Nights South Park Episode
Just a great episode, not as good as Major Boobage but still great. I love how they ripped Bill Belicheck. "If you cheat and you win your savvy!" Plus the whole Stand and Deliver homage was great.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Worst Characters On The Best Shows
Ever really like a show but there was always this one character that was horrifically annoying? So bad that every time he/she/it came on screen you wanted to chuck your empty whiskey bottle at the screen? I know I have. I know what I consider a good show and what everyone else considers good is probably light years apart but I'll do this bit anyways. Plus I've been pretty positive on my last couple of posts so it's time for me to be exactly what I was meant to be, a bitter ranting drunk.
The Show: The Simpsons
The Character: Lisa Simpson
Explanation: They seem to spend a lot more time on Lisa then they did in the past maybe because she's considered more liberal than anyone else on the show and the writers have gotten more liberal, or they just want to annoy the shit out of us. Who knows? But she certainly is the wet blanket that ruins more shows than helps. Whenever Homer decides to do something nuts like steal grease from the local school or participate in a gang bang on Ms. Krapobel with the rest of the boys at Moe's Lisa is always there wagging her finger like a bint and subjecting us with her "wisdom" of what is right and wrong. Don't get me started on her environmentalism and political bullshit that creeps into every episode.
The Show: Family Guy
The Character: Brian
Explanation: I have to say Brian (Snoopy with a drinking problem) certainly does have his moments, but that usually when he's baked and/or drunk. But he does the same thing as Lisa does from time to time, subject us with his political/environmental views. That gets old REEEAALLY quick. The one episode where he blows up Wal Mart with a tank was pretty fucking annoying on a couple of fronts 1) If you don't like Wal Mart don't go there 2) I thought violence solving things was wrong and 3) I bet that after blowing up the Wal Mart he and Stewie hopped on over to Starbucks for a triple fat creamy cum shot latte or whatever the fuck they serve there. So not all corporations are evil, just Wal Mart. Got it. Please just stick to Peter and Stewie.
The Show: Seinfeld
The Character: Jerry Seinfeld
Explanation: How can the character that the show is named after be the worst character? It can. Not only does Jerry come off as completely smug he also has this high pitched scream/yell thing that he does when he gets excited that sounds like a thirteen year old trying desperately to hit puberty. That and his stand up act which is pretty sub par, I'm sorry, a complete shit storm of bad jokes. His material would certainly fly at An Evening At The Improv (remember that show?) but whenever he tells a joke Corky from Life Goes On (had to stick him in here somewhere) would have a laughing fit where the rest of us would merley groan or wish we were dead. I used to think that the stand up jokes that started and ended his show was just a watered down thing for the show until I realized that WAS his stand up act. Christ, how in the hell did he not get hit with a beer bottle at a comedy club? He must have opened for Barbara Streisand or something. Also, it doesn't help that his supporting cast is a hell of a lot funnier and memorable than him.
The Show: Friends
The Character: The Entire Cast Of Friends
Explanation: I'm stretching things a bit by calling Friends a good show but I had to stick this in here somewhere. I was subjected to Friends by an old girlfriend of mine back in the day so I actually saw three full seasons of it and I came to one disturbing conclusion, everyone else besides the actual friends are a hell of a lot more funny than they are. From the creepy roommate that replaces Chandler at one point to the creepy guy that has a crush on Rachel to Phoebe's long lost brother who decides to dork someone three times his age to the hairy naked guy that NEVER APPEARS ON SCREEN. All of them, a lot more enjoyable than them. I thought they should have made a spinoff of the these characters than the very unfunny pud Joey.
The Show: Cheers
The Character: Diane
Explanation: Is there really one needed? I thought not. Thankfully Diane (actually Shelly Long) thought she had a future in films, oops. Though I did think that Troop Beverly Hills was a delightful romp.
The Show: Night Court
The Character: All the bailiffs before Roz and Dan Fielding in the first season.
Explanation: The bailiffs that preceded Roz were pretty fucking unfunny and annoying, fortunately for the show (unfortunately in real life) they both died of old age and emphysema before they could do any permanent damage. Dan Fielding in the first season was very uptight and straight laced. Thankfully someone wised up and rewrote his character as the perverted funny man that we all know and love.
The Show: Star Trek: The Next Generation
The Character: Captain Jean Luc Pecard
The Explanation: Spent more time negotiating peace than blowing shit up plus the fact that he didn't bed any women or green alien women. What the hell man?
The Show: Drew Carey Show
The Character: Mimi Bobeck
Explanation: Not only is she hideous to look at she dragged the show down with her constant bitch-fest with Drew. Her low brow bullshit got kind of old after awhile, especially when the jokes kept repeating themselves (Wow! Look at Mimi's hideous make up job for the zillionth time). She also took precious time away from Lewis and Oswald's shenanigans and ESPECIALLY from masturbatory aid Kate O'Brien.
The Show: The Smurfs
The Character: Baby Smurf
Explanation: Baby smurf just suddenly appeared out of nowhere without an explanation of how the hell it was born or if it was the product of a drunken grope-fest you knew that was going to happen involving the only female in the village, Smurfette. How would you like to be Smurfette on a Saturday night around closing time of the village tavern? I would be dead bolting my doors like you wouldn't believe. A bunch of sexually repressed drunk smurfs roaming around with their little blue members.....never mind. Anyways this was just a ploy to keep the ratings up, plus this happened around the time every cartoon turned into a baby show (baby muppets, baby scoobie doo, etc.). I can't believe I have an opinion about the Smurfs.
The Show: Facts Of Life
The Character: George Burnett
Explanation: Actually I just wanted to bash George Clooney, that's all. The guy's acting is no different from this show, to Roseanne to From Dusk Til' Dawn to Michael Clayton. No range whatsoever. He has about as much range as Corky from Life Goes On (I seriously need to abandon that joke).
The Show: Growing Pains
The Character: Luke Brower
Explanation: This show was just humming along just fine then BAM! Boner is gone then this little shit shows up. Actually I thought this was Leonardo DiCraprios best acting job, even better than the retard he played in What's Eating Gilbert Grape. But he seriously dragged this wholesome family fare right into the toilet. Uhh, I actually didn't like Growing Pains, I just watched it because I had a unhealthy crush on Joanna Kerns. I often fantasized about ways she would punish me for being bad....I'll just stop.
The Show: Married With Children
The Character: Steve Rhodes
Explanation: Contrary to popular belief Jefferson Darcy made Married With Children better. After life drainer and joke smuggler Steve Rhodes took off the show became better. Addition by subtraction I guess. Then Jefferson showed up and the show turned horrifically low brow, the way it was meant to be.
I'll probably revisit this topic at a later date, right now I'm seeing pink elephants..Tah!
The Show: The Simpsons
The Character: Lisa Simpson
Explanation: They seem to spend a lot more time on Lisa then they did in the past maybe because she's considered more liberal than anyone else on the show and the writers have gotten more liberal, or they just want to annoy the shit out of us. Who knows? But she certainly is the wet blanket that ruins more shows than helps. Whenever Homer decides to do something nuts like steal grease from the local school or participate in a gang bang on Ms. Krapobel with the rest of the boys at Moe's Lisa is always there wagging her finger like a bint and subjecting us with her "wisdom" of what is right and wrong. Don't get me started on her environmentalism and political bullshit that creeps into every episode.
The Show: Family Guy
The Character: Brian
Explanation: I have to say Brian (Snoopy with a drinking problem) certainly does have his moments, but that usually when he's baked and/or drunk. But he does the same thing as Lisa does from time to time, subject us with his political/environmental views. That gets old REEEAALLY quick. The one episode where he blows up Wal Mart with a tank was pretty fucking annoying on a couple of fronts 1) If you don't like Wal Mart don't go there 2) I thought violence solving things was wrong and 3) I bet that after blowing up the Wal Mart he and Stewie hopped on over to Starbucks for a triple fat creamy cum shot latte or whatever the fuck they serve there. So not all corporations are evil, just Wal Mart. Got it. Please just stick to Peter and Stewie.
The Show: Seinfeld
The Character: Jerry Seinfeld
Explanation: How can the character that the show is named after be the worst character? It can. Not only does Jerry come off as completely smug he also has this high pitched scream/yell thing that he does when he gets excited that sounds like a thirteen year old trying desperately to hit puberty. That and his stand up act which is pretty sub par, I'm sorry, a complete shit storm of bad jokes. His material would certainly fly at An Evening At The Improv (remember that show?) but whenever he tells a joke Corky from Life Goes On (had to stick him in here somewhere) would have a laughing fit where the rest of us would merley groan or wish we were dead. I used to think that the stand up jokes that started and ended his show was just a watered down thing for the show until I realized that WAS his stand up act. Christ, how in the hell did he not get hit with a beer bottle at a comedy club? He must have opened for Barbara Streisand or something. Also, it doesn't help that his supporting cast is a hell of a lot funnier and memorable than him.
The Show: Friends
The Character: The Entire Cast Of Friends
Explanation: I'm stretching things a bit by calling Friends a good show but I had to stick this in here somewhere. I was subjected to Friends by an old girlfriend of mine back in the day so I actually saw three full seasons of it and I came to one disturbing conclusion, everyone else besides the actual friends are a hell of a lot more funny than they are. From the creepy roommate that replaces Chandler at one point to the creepy guy that has a crush on Rachel to Phoebe's long lost brother who decides to dork someone three times his age to the hairy naked guy that NEVER APPEARS ON SCREEN. All of them, a lot more enjoyable than them. I thought they should have made a spinoff of the these characters than the very unfunny pud Joey.
The Show: Cheers
The Character: Diane
Explanation: Is there really one needed? I thought not. Thankfully Diane (actually Shelly Long) thought she had a future in films, oops. Though I did think that Troop Beverly Hills was a delightful romp.
The Show: Night Court
The Character: All the bailiffs before Roz and Dan Fielding in the first season.
Explanation: The bailiffs that preceded Roz were pretty fucking unfunny and annoying, fortunately for the show (unfortunately in real life) they both died of old age and emphysema before they could do any permanent damage. Dan Fielding in the first season was very uptight and straight laced. Thankfully someone wised up and rewrote his character as the perverted funny man that we all know and love.
The Show: Star Trek: The Next Generation
The Character: Captain Jean Luc Pecard
The Explanation: Spent more time negotiating peace than blowing shit up plus the fact that he didn't bed any women or green alien women. What the hell man?
The Show: Drew Carey Show
The Character: Mimi Bobeck
Explanation: Not only is she hideous to look at she dragged the show down with her constant bitch-fest with Drew. Her low brow bullshit got kind of old after awhile, especially when the jokes kept repeating themselves (Wow! Look at Mimi's hideous make up job for the zillionth time). She also took precious time away from Lewis and Oswald's shenanigans and ESPECIALLY from masturbatory aid Kate O'Brien.
The Show: The Smurfs
The Character: Baby Smurf
Explanation: Baby smurf just suddenly appeared out of nowhere without an explanation of how the hell it was born or if it was the product of a drunken grope-fest you knew that was going to happen involving the only female in the village, Smurfette. How would you like to be Smurfette on a Saturday night around closing time of the village tavern? I would be dead bolting my doors like you wouldn't believe. A bunch of sexually repressed drunk smurfs roaming around with their little blue members.....never mind. Anyways this was just a ploy to keep the ratings up, plus this happened around the time every cartoon turned into a baby show (baby muppets, baby scoobie doo, etc.). I can't believe I have an opinion about the Smurfs.
The Show: Facts Of Life
The Character: George Burnett
Explanation: Actually I just wanted to bash George Clooney, that's all. The guy's acting is no different from this show, to Roseanne to From Dusk Til' Dawn to Michael Clayton. No range whatsoever. He has about as much range as Corky from Life Goes On (I seriously need to abandon that joke).
The Show: Growing Pains
The Character: Luke Brower
Explanation: This show was just humming along just fine then BAM! Boner is gone then this little shit shows up. Actually I thought this was Leonardo DiCraprios best acting job, even better than the retard he played in What's Eating Gilbert Grape. But he seriously dragged this wholesome family fare right into the toilet. Uhh, I actually didn't like Growing Pains, I just watched it because I had a unhealthy crush on Joanna Kerns. I often fantasized about ways she would punish me for being bad....I'll just stop.
The Show: Married With Children
The Character: Steve Rhodes
Explanation: Contrary to popular belief Jefferson Darcy made Married With Children better. After life drainer and joke smuggler Steve Rhodes took off the show became better. Addition by subtraction I guess. Then Jefferson showed up and the show turned horrifically low brow, the way it was meant to be.
I'll probably revisit this topic at a later date, right now I'm seeing pink elephants..Tah!
Saturday, April 5, 2008
The Essentials Part Uno Of Bands Not Named Rush
I was thinking of the essential albums of my generation (after the mid 1980's, before 2000 when I became an old man) and I'll list a few....
1) R.E.M - Eponymous - how can a greatest hits album be essential? It can that's why. Besides this was the next to last thing R.E.M did before I officially checked out. Every.......Single.....Song.......Is.....Great.
2) Afghan Whigs - Gentlemen - Greg Dulli and the boys came out with humdinger when I was in college. A man named J. Bundy got me hooked on them.
3) Pink Floyd - Division Bell - I feel the scornful look of all hard core Floyd fans right now. Well there are a couple of reasons I love this album 1) It reminds me of a great summer I had and 2) One of my favorite authors of all time (I have a few) Douglas Adams came of with the title for Pink Floyd.
4) Alice In Chains - Jar of Flies - great album that was a welcome departure from their usual fare, I do love Dirt, but this album was surprising. Those of you that remember Mary from the old days of General Cinema, she sold me this album at the old record store at Eastgate.
5) The Black Crowes - Shake Your Moneymaker - I saw these guys when they opened for ZZ Top back in '91. Love this album. I actually bought the album in Toronto during a band fag trip.
6) Bruce Hornsby - Harbor Lights - what can I say? I'm grew up in Virginia a couple of hours away where Hornsby lives.
7) Dream Theater - Awake - complete nerd album.
8) Eric Johnson - Ah Via Musicon - I was blow away by Cliffs of Dover, the rest of the album is great too.
9) Fishbone - Reality of My Surroundings - always have been a hard core Fishbone fan since way back. Saw these guys in 2000 at the now closed Patio (R.I.P) in Broad Ripple.
10) Live - Mental Jewelry - this and the next album were pretty much the only good output from this band.
11) Living Colour - Time's Up - I know that Vivid was a more successful album but I always liked this more.
12) Peter Gabriel - Us - album came out my senior year it was a long time between releases for this lad. Besides ZZ Top, Gabriel has the best live show.
13) Beastie Boys - Ill Communication - Called the godfather Weilhammer cochese when he started his first cinema job because of one their videos.
14) Dire Straits - Brothers In Arms - no explanation needed.
15) Donald Fagan - Kamakiriad - member of Steely Dan that made a decent solo album.
16) Hum - Heavenward Is Downward/You'd Prefer An Astronaut - Not enough has been made of Hum. A very underrated band.
17) Primus - Sailing The Seas Of Cheese/Pork Soda/Tales From The Punchbowl - haven't made a good album since, but these three are fucking fantastic.
18) Queens Of The Stone Age - Rated R - Josh Homme, great songwriter, VERY underrated.
19) Rancid - And Out Come The Wolves/Rancid (2000) - The lone punk band on this list.
20) Sugar - File Under Easy Listening - Too much Bob Mould? Naw.
21) Tool - AEnima - Completely fucked up band, but VERY talented.
22) 311 - Music - Nothing to see here, move on.
23) Luscious Jackson - Fever In Fever Out - Never got tired of this album.
24) Smashing Pumpkins - Machina - The Machine Of Love/Melancholy and The Infinite Sadness - They should have quit when they were ahead.
25) Soundgarden - Badmotorfinger/SuperUnkown - This band was great, no question.
26) Talking Heads - Naked - band that I'll always have complete respect for.
27) U2 - Achtung Baby - THE last good album of U2.
Too drunk to continue on.....
1) R.E.M - Eponymous - how can a greatest hits album be essential? It can that's why. Besides this was the next to last thing R.E.M did before I officially checked out. Every.......Single.....Song.......Is.....Great.
2) Afghan Whigs - Gentlemen - Greg Dulli and the boys came out with humdinger when I was in college. A man named J. Bundy got me hooked on them.
3) Pink Floyd - Division Bell - I feel the scornful look of all hard core Floyd fans right now. Well there are a couple of reasons I love this album 1) It reminds me of a great summer I had and 2) One of my favorite authors of all time (I have a few) Douglas Adams came of with the title for Pink Floyd.
4) Alice In Chains - Jar of Flies - great album that was a welcome departure from their usual fare, I do love Dirt, but this album was surprising. Those of you that remember Mary from the old days of General Cinema, she sold me this album at the old record store at Eastgate.
5) The Black Crowes - Shake Your Moneymaker - I saw these guys when they opened for ZZ Top back in '91. Love this album. I actually bought the album in Toronto during a band fag trip.
6) Bruce Hornsby - Harbor Lights - what can I say? I'm grew up in Virginia a couple of hours away where Hornsby lives.
7) Dream Theater - Awake - complete nerd album.
8) Eric Johnson - Ah Via Musicon - I was blow away by Cliffs of Dover, the rest of the album is great too.
9) Fishbone - Reality of My Surroundings - always have been a hard core Fishbone fan since way back. Saw these guys in 2000 at the now closed Patio (R.I.P) in Broad Ripple.
10) Live - Mental Jewelry - this and the next album were pretty much the only good output from this band.
11) Living Colour - Time's Up - I know that Vivid was a more successful album but I always liked this more.
12) Peter Gabriel - Us - album came out my senior year it was a long time between releases for this lad. Besides ZZ Top, Gabriel has the best live show.
13) Beastie Boys - Ill Communication - Called the godfather Weilhammer cochese when he started his first cinema job because of one their videos.
14) Dire Straits - Brothers In Arms - no explanation needed.
15) Donald Fagan - Kamakiriad - member of Steely Dan that made a decent solo album.
16) Hum - Heavenward Is Downward/You'd Prefer An Astronaut - Not enough has been made of Hum. A very underrated band.
17) Primus - Sailing The Seas Of Cheese/Pork Soda/Tales From The Punchbowl - haven't made a good album since, but these three are fucking fantastic.
18) Queens Of The Stone Age - Rated R - Josh Homme, great songwriter, VERY underrated.
19) Rancid - And Out Come The Wolves/Rancid (2000) - The lone punk band on this list.
20) Sugar - File Under Easy Listening - Too much Bob Mould? Naw.
21) Tool - AEnima - Completely fucked up band, but VERY talented.
22) 311 - Music - Nothing to see here, move on.
23) Luscious Jackson - Fever In Fever Out - Never got tired of this album.
24) Smashing Pumpkins - Machina - The Machine Of Love/Melancholy and The Infinite Sadness - They should have quit when they were ahead.
25) Soundgarden - Badmotorfinger/SuperUnkown - This band was great, no question.
26) Talking Heads - Naked - band that I'll always have complete respect for.
27) U2 - Achtung Baby - THE last good album of U2.
Too drunk to continue on.....
Friday, April 4, 2008
Maybe I'm Not An Old Crusty Fart After All
Actually I still am but I'm proud to say that I actually like a album produced in 2008, actually TWO. Here they are...
The Whigs - Mission Control - Mind you, they aren't breaking any new ground but they did make a pretty catchy album and it doesn't sound toooo much like the whiny, pussy crap that passes for music nowadays (there's the old fart I know). Decent songs, decent musicians, finally another group besides Minus The Bear that are younger than me that I enjoy. I'm giddy.
the other album
Bob Mould - District Line - Bob Mould is my hero, 47 years old and still banging out great rock tunes. Though some of the tunes on this album are kind of puff there are some decent tracks. Those of you that don't know Bob he's the guitarist/singer/songwriter of Husker Du and Sugar. Husker Du is probably one of my favorite bands of all time.
The Whigs - Mission Control - Mind you, they aren't breaking any new ground but they did make a pretty catchy album and it doesn't sound toooo much like the whiny, pussy crap that passes for music nowadays (there's the old fart I know). Decent songs, decent musicians, finally another group besides Minus The Bear that are younger than me that I enjoy. I'm giddy.
the other album
Bob Mould - District Line - Bob Mould is my hero, 47 years old and still banging out great rock tunes. Though some of the tunes on this album are kind of puff there are some decent tracks. Those of you that don't know Bob he's the guitarist/singer/songwriter of Husker Du and Sugar. Husker Du is probably one of my favorite bands of all time.
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Weekly Drunk Review
I'm totally ripping off John-O. It won't be the last time. Except mine will be very low brow and horrifically cynical in nature.
Tom Crean Hired By Indiana
Congratulations IU. This is the first good move since hiring Hoepner. Why in the hell wasn't this done sooner? Just curious why you first fired Knight in a unbelievably stupid way, then hire shitty Mike Davis because your athletes said they would transfer if they didn't, then hire Sampson who had a trail of indiscretion behind him, Just don't fuck this up please.
Donnie Walsh To The Knicks
This is great, New York continuous to take sloppy seconds from the Pacers. Take O'Neal and Tinsley and his dust pan with you while your at it. Also heard that Donnie was also making all the decisions and Larry really only concentrated on the draft. So Scoop Jackson's shitty article takes on a whole new meaning of crappy journalism.
Maybe It's You That's Racist
Yet another example why Jemele Hill is the worst sports journalist of all time. Maybe the people that automatically think The Bron is King Kong when looking at this photo is actually racist. Jesus Jemele, between saying that it's ok for Randy Moss to take off plays and act like an ingrate and defending Barry Bonds to the hilt you come up with this garbage. ESPN Page 2, you suck at hiring good journalist (yet here I am still reading it). Firejaymariotti.com broke this down better than I ever could.
So I Can Officially Blame My Dad's Gas On Global Warming?
Someone actually took the time to link every story on the internets that blamed global warming on something.
Compassionate Conservatives
Not sure how accurate this article is but it's still a good read. It also doesn't really explain what is considered a liberal or a conservative.
Why? Why? Why? Ahhhhhhhh
That's what I said when I hear the Wachowski brothers were about to destroy one of my favorite old cartoons of all time. Can't Hollywood think of anything new other than remake, sequels and gay cowboys eating pudding?
Tom Crean Hired By Indiana
Congratulations IU. This is the first good move since hiring Hoepner. Why in the hell wasn't this done sooner? Just curious why you first fired Knight in a unbelievably stupid way, then hire shitty Mike Davis because your athletes said they would transfer if they didn't, then hire Sampson who had a trail of indiscretion behind him, Just don't fuck this up please.
Donnie Walsh To The Knicks
This is great, New York continuous to take sloppy seconds from the Pacers. Take O'Neal and Tinsley and his dust pan with you while your at it. Also heard that Donnie was also making all the decisions and Larry really only concentrated on the draft. So Scoop Jackson's shitty article takes on a whole new meaning of crappy journalism.
Maybe It's You That's Racist
Yet another example why Jemele Hill is the worst sports journalist of all time. Maybe the people that automatically think The Bron is King Kong when looking at this photo is actually racist. Jesus Jemele, between saying that it's ok for Randy Moss to take off plays and act like an ingrate and defending Barry Bonds to the hilt you come up with this garbage. ESPN Page 2, you suck at hiring good journalist (yet here I am still reading it). Firejaymariotti.com broke this down better than I ever could.
So I Can Officially Blame My Dad's Gas On Global Warming?
Someone actually took the time to link every story on the internets that blamed global warming on something.
Compassionate Conservatives
Not sure how accurate this article is but it's still a good read. It also doesn't really explain what is considered a liberal or a conservative.
Why? Why? Why? Ahhhhhhhh
That's what I said when I hear the Wachowski brothers were about to destroy one of my favorite old cartoons of all time. Can't Hollywood think of anything new other than remake, sequels and gay cowboys eating pudding?
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Politics! Politics! Politics! Coin Flip 2008
Anyone ever watch Alien Vs. Predator the movie? It was a pretty shitty movie that I saw while tapped out drunk, so I don't remember the ending and I ended up waking up in a puddle of my own vomit with a pissed off wife looking down at me tapping her foot. But it did have a catchy phrase:
Whoever Wins We Lose!
That's how I feel about the upcoming election. The godfather got my creative juices flowing so I thought I would rant about the state of politics thus far. In my last post I was a little more optimistic about the candidates than I have been in years past. Well, let's just say my tone has changed a tad. Let's break down the candidates starting with the Republicans
The Republicans
Presidential Candidate: John McCain
Potential Slogan: I'm not Bush! (taken from the 2004 Kerry slogan).
What's Going For Them: The fact that the Republicans got their shit together and came to a unanimous decision early so they can actually concentrate on their positions and campaign strategy. Republicans basically chose the less crazy of the candidates.....uh oh.
What's Going Against Them: Media punching bag and the cause of everything bad that ever happened (including global warming) Bush has endorsed McCain. Oh, and the media is just a tad liberal so McCain really has no shot in the eyes of the media. Also, the American public is fickle, a Republican has been in office for the last 8 years, so no matter who runs for the Democrats they will probably get nominated just out of pure curiosity.
The skinny on McCain: He's a conservative but not anchored by the tenants of the modern American conservatism that according to wikipedia.org which last I checked was the most accurate source of everything everywhere. So this might be Bush part III, except McCain can actually speak in public without sounding like Corky from Life Goes On (I've been stuck on the joke).
Political Stance In A Nutshell: Stay the course in Iraq, let's get you guys jobs, help me comb my hair goddammit.
The Democrats
Potential Candidates: Borak don't call me Osama Obama, Hillary Clinton
Potential Slogan: We only hate America 10% less than most liberals.
What's Going For Them: They are not Republicans, a strategy that didn't work in 2004, but really not much is going for them now but lots of infighting. If I told you that an advisor said that Barak only got the nomination because he was black and another advisor called Hillary "a monster" you would instantly think a Republican or at the very least Rush Limbaugh were making these statements right? Wrong, all Democrats have made these statements. So much for liberal tolerance and understanding.
What's Going Against Them: Hillary is related to Bill Clinton, enough already, I'm now 33, which means since the age of 13 a Bush or a Clinton has been in office, time for some new blood. Plus the whole universal health care thing make me itch. Which means the job I have and love will be cut by Hillary by 2009, no thanks. This is what confuses me, for the past 8 years many hardcore liberals have complained so much about the American Government and it's spending and now some are supporting MORE government control and MORE spending for a program that will not work. So the same government in charge of Iraq, Katrina and the DMV will be in charge of my health care...gee, I would rather take my chances on insurance companies.
Barak and the Rev. Wright scandal. A lot of Democrat supporters don't find this a big deal, they even point out the fact that McCain cozied up to Jerry Falwell. That's all well and good but Falwell didn't marry the McCain's, baptize their children, go to his church for the last 20 years and take a title from his sermons and use it as the title of his book (Audacity of Hope). That's a huge difference for me. Plus Rev. Wright is highly influenced by Louis Farrakhan, the biggest racist and anti Semite around (as is Rev. Wright). Barak was cheek to cheek with Farrakhan during the million man march a move that Clinton (of the Bill variety) criticized. Remember when the whole Mel Gibson thing blew up? Remember how everyone (rightly) called him nuts for his raving anti Semitic view and wanted him banished? Why exactly is this different? Oh well, I got to give it to Obama, he survived this scandel pretty well. And that's what ticked my off, I was pretty high on Obama, even to the point of putting his little logo on my shitty blog, then this. Sorry Obama, I don't vote for people associated with hate, oh wait, I did vote for a Republican last time.
Christ, where the hell was I? Oh yeah..
The Skinny On Hillary: Liberal dressed up as a centrist. Actually she dresses up in horrible pant suits.
The Skinny On Barak: No pun intended. Still wants to bring everyone together, I hear ya brother but your associates don't sit with me too well, that and your experience, which is almost nil.
Political Stance In A Nutshell (Hillary): Pull out of Iraq, Bill pull out of me, are you unbelievably unhealthy? No problem smoke and drink and eat like shit, we'll take care of the pancreatitis and COPD for free...well, not exactly free, and you might have to wait in line just a liiiittttle bit longer than now. Do you like the Military? Neither do I, we'll just get rid of that right now.
Political Stance In A Nutshell (Barak): Peace brothas and sistas. I will even mandate that the letters e and r will be replaced by a. So the show ER will now be called "A".
Explanation of my post: I work out in a gym where CNN is played continuously, I've been watching it for the last month. Mind you, I watch no political networks at home. This is what CNN covers in a typical hour:
HILLARY, BARAK, HILLARY, BARAK, BARAK ON REV. WRIGHT, HILLARY, INFIGHTING DEMOCRATS, LARRY KING, ANDERSON COOPER, HILLARY STRATEGIST, BARAK STRATEGIST, mccain, HILLARY, BARAK, LARRY KING, ANDERSON COOPER...
Which explains why I have more opinions on the Democrats than Republicans. I actually have no clue what McCain believes in really.
My vote for the 2008: I have to do it again, I have to vote republican. I feel dirty, I feel awful, but I can't stand Hillary and all anti Semitic things aside for Barak he has absolutely no experience. Nader? No, just like all of us he's a raging hypocrite too.
Whoever Wins We Lose!
That's how I feel about the upcoming election. The godfather got my creative juices flowing so I thought I would rant about the state of politics thus far. In my last post I was a little more optimistic about the candidates than I have been in years past. Well, let's just say my tone has changed a tad. Let's break down the candidates starting with the Republicans
The Republicans
Presidential Candidate: John McCain
Potential Slogan: I'm not Bush! (taken from the 2004 Kerry slogan).
What's Going For Them: The fact that the Republicans got their shit together and came to a unanimous decision early so they can actually concentrate on their positions and campaign strategy. Republicans basically chose the less crazy of the candidates.....uh oh.
What's Going Against Them: Media punching bag and the cause of everything bad that ever happened (including global warming) Bush has endorsed McCain. Oh, and the media is just a tad liberal so McCain really has no shot in the eyes of the media. Also, the American public is fickle, a Republican has been in office for the last 8 years, so no matter who runs for the Democrats they will probably get nominated just out of pure curiosity.
The skinny on McCain: He's a conservative but not anchored by the tenants of the modern American conservatism that according to wikipedia.org which last I checked was the most accurate source of everything everywhere. So this might be Bush part III, except McCain can actually speak in public without sounding like Corky from Life Goes On (I've been stuck on the joke).
Political Stance In A Nutshell: Stay the course in Iraq, let's get you guys jobs, help me comb my hair goddammit.
The Democrats
Potential Candidates: Borak don't call me Osama Obama, Hillary Clinton
Potential Slogan: We only hate America 10% less than most liberals.
What's Going For Them: They are not Republicans, a strategy that didn't work in 2004, but really not much is going for them now but lots of infighting. If I told you that an advisor said that Barak only got the nomination because he was black and another advisor called Hillary "a monster" you would instantly think a Republican or at the very least Rush Limbaugh were making these statements right? Wrong, all Democrats have made these statements. So much for liberal tolerance and understanding.
What's Going Against Them: Hillary is related to Bill Clinton, enough already, I'm now 33, which means since the age of 13 a Bush or a Clinton has been in office, time for some new blood. Plus the whole universal health care thing make me itch. Which means the job I have and love will be cut by Hillary by 2009, no thanks. This is what confuses me, for the past 8 years many hardcore liberals have complained so much about the American Government and it's spending and now some are supporting MORE government control and MORE spending for a program that will not work. So the same government in charge of Iraq, Katrina and the DMV will be in charge of my health care...gee, I would rather take my chances on insurance companies.
Barak and the Rev. Wright scandal. A lot of Democrat supporters don't find this a big deal, they even point out the fact that McCain cozied up to Jerry Falwell. That's all well and good but Falwell didn't marry the McCain's, baptize their children, go to his church for the last 20 years and take a title from his sermons and use it as the title of his book (Audacity of Hope). That's a huge difference for me. Plus Rev. Wright is highly influenced by Louis Farrakhan, the biggest racist and anti Semite around (as is Rev. Wright). Barak was cheek to cheek with Farrakhan during the million man march a move that Clinton (of the Bill variety) criticized. Remember when the whole Mel Gibson thing blew up? Remember how everyone (rightly) called him nuts for his raving anti Semitic view and wanted him banished? Why exactly is this different? Oh well, I got to give it to Obama, he survived this scandel pretty well. And that's what ticked my off, I was pretty high on Obama, even to the point of putting his little logo on my shitty blog, then this. Sorry Obama, I don't vote for people associated with hate, oh wait, I did vote for a Republican last time.
Christ, where the hell was I? Oh yeah..
The Skinny On Hillary: Liberal dressed up as a centrist. Actually she dresses up in horrible pant suits.
The Skinny On Barak: No pun intended. Still wants to bring everyone together, I hear ya brother but your associates don't sit with me too well, that and your experience, which is almost nil.
Political Stance In A Nutshell (Hillary): Pull out of Iraq, Bill pull out of me, are you unbelievably unhealthy? No problem smoke and drink and eat like shit, we'll take care of the pancreatitis and COPD for free...well, not exactly free, and you might have to wait in line just a liiiittttle bit longer than now. Do you like the Military? Neither do I, we'll just get rid of that right now.
Political Stance In A Nutshell (Barak): Peace brothas and sistas. I will even mandate that the letters e and r will be replaced by a. So the show ER will now be called "A".
Explanation of my post: I work out in a gym where CNN is played continuously, I've been watching it for the last month. Mind you, I watch no political networks at home. This is what CNN covers in a typical hour:
HILLARY, BARAK, HILLARY, BARAK, BARAK ON REV. WRIGHT, HILLARY, INFIGHTING DEMOCRATS, LARRY KING, ANDERSON COOPER, HILLARY STRATEGIST, BARAK STRATEGIST, mccain, HILLARY, BARAK, LARRY KING, ANDERSON COOPER...
Which explains why I have more opinions on the Democrats than Republicans. I actually have no clue what McCain believes in really.
My vote for the 2008: I have to do it again, I have to vote republican. I feel dirty, I feel awful, but I can't stand Hillary and all anti Semitic things aside for Barak he has absolutely no experience. Nader? No, just like all of us he's a raging hypocrite too.
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